


Guilty Pleasure

by jaemibbeom



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Possessive Behavior, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:36:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 99,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16436354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemibbeom/pseuds/jaemibbeom
Summary: "Kiss me," he said. "Kiss me like how the devil kisses his sins."Slowly, I kissed him back. His lips were the gates to hell--hot like the blazing fire in it. This isn't how our sin should taste like, but I love it. I love every bit of it. If this is a sin, then let me be the devil.Because damn, loving him is a sin itself already.These stolen moments are our guilty pleasure. Because isn't that how it's supposed to be? The things we love, but do not tell anyone. It's not right in the eyes of people, but in your heart, your actions are justified. Yes, I love him... but only clandestinely.Because "he" owns me.Yet he is not that "he".And fuck, painful bolt of guilt is continuously striking me.----------------------------(( To which Jaemi is in a happy relationship with Jae, but there comes Jae's best friend Brian in the scene, all of a sudden telling her that she has to break up with him as he confesses that he's also in love with her... right after he makes out with his girl for the day. ))





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: THIS CONTAINS CURSES, MATURE SCENES, AND REVOLVES AROUND A SENSITIVE TOPIC: CHEATING.
> 
> I wrote this not to romanticize cheating nor justify it. I wrote this to show how cheating ruins people. I wrote this to show how ugly it is. How people make mistakes and how they should face the consequences of their actions.
> 
> REMINDER: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. EVERYTHING IS MADE UP. PLEASE SEPARATE ME AND MY VIEWS FROM MY WORK.
> 
> ((So uhm, this story has been stuck in my head for ages and I'm actually finally doing this because bad boy brian is a yum, jealous brian is a yum, so it's a yumyum HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA isn't playboy!Brian what we all want?
> 
> (don't be fooled, this is angst)
> 
> I also kinda want to prove that one Young K stan can never be "only" a soft stan haha))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MATURE SCENES AND CURSES.
> 
> IF YOU DON'T LIKE TO READ ANYTHING OF THAT SORT, FEEL FREE TO CLOSE THE TAB AND EXIT THIS STORY. THANKS.
> 
> You've been warned

It’s annoying how until now, it still perplexes me how there are actually people who don’t know how to be contented with only one, or anything that is _just one._

I shifted my gaze and just decided to turn my attention to the report I was currently finishing. I was in a rush and I had to concentrate and minimize mistakes, but there was this particular word that I was repeatedly getting the spelling incorrect because I was losing my focus.

 _Again._ My eyes accidentally moved back towards the direction of the table across me, where there sat the same guy who’s been around for an hour or so already, and three other girls who were almost undressed, surrounding him. My forehead creased when I saw one girl start unbuttoning his shirt.

Seriously? This is a freaking library, you dogs!

My eyes widened when the guy looked up and stared right into my direction, and I immediately avoided any eye contact that could take place.

“Brian…” one girl half called-half moaned as she removed the hand of the other girl who was unbuttoning Brian’s polo.

“Hmm?” Brian, who was now being kissed by the third girl on his jawline, responded.

I could only grimace at the sight. Damn. Why am I even looking at them?!

I glanced again and suddenly, our eyes met. I couldn't help but get drawn to his gaze. Yet as we spoke through our stares, his smile suddenly vanished, and sadness started to creep upon his brown orbs. My breath hitched; no matter how hard I try, whenever this happens, it always ends up this way:

_I can never break away from his gaze._

The girl who was busy kissing his damn jawline advanced and attempted to connect her lips with Brian’s when he suddenly pushed the girls around him and leapt to his feet which startled me.

“W-Where are you going?!” one of his girls blurted out in panic.

“SILENCE!!!” the librarian reprimanded.

“Brian!!!” the three all called in chorus.

I immediately returned my gaze to the reference book I was using for my report that was situated on top of the table. But the moment Brian passed by, I couldn’t help but to steal glances, until he was out of my vision. His girls abruptly followed, and I realized there were other girls who were even waiting for him outside, but I decided not to mind them anymore.

If there was one person in this world that I know I should give a wide berth to, it is him. Brian Kang, the playboy. The heartbreaker. Womanizer. Ruthless. Vulgar. Filthy rich. Arrogant. His whole existence screams one word—one that is written in bold, bright red, and in huge and capital letters: **DANGER**. Every woman in our university (and even outside the university)'s wet dreams. He's not my wet dreams because that's gross, alright, but I would be lying if I say that I am not under his charm.

And this is freaking wrong.

My phone vibrated, jolting me from my reverie. Fishing it from my pocket, my brows furrowed as I opened the text message to see who it came from.

_Jaehyungie:_

_Hey love. Are you free tonight? Let's have dinner together at El Tercero. I missed you. :( I love youuuuuuuuu aaAaaaAAAaaAAAaaaAAAaA_

Abruptly, all the frustrations I’ve been bottling up within me for the past few days magically vanished. Here comes my lifesaver. Just in time!

My hand moved on its own and typed a reply quickly.

_Me:_

_Okay, love. See you later. I miss and love you too! Let’s just meet there, don’t be so clingy ugh_

I smiled. Jae sent me another _“But I love youuuu”_ message before I placed my phone back to my pocket. Sometimes Jae can be really clingy too, and I take those rare times as an opportunity to get back at him for being such a tsundere, especially when I get super clingy to him. Hah! (I’ll probably regret this later)

I immediately fixed all the stuff I scattered on the table while I was working on my report. I’ll just go home and finish this when I feel like doing so, the deadline’s not anytime soon, anyway. But as I treaded towards the library’s door, I felt a strong urge to look back at the table _he_ was at. And I suddenly visualized his visage earlier. His face that was painted with loneliness. With pain. His eyes… They look as if they were speaking to me… Asking me to comfort them…

I shook my head. It’s not my fault that he looked like that. It’s not like I care, he should just have his eyes fixed or something. I shouldn’t give a damn.

I drove home and just started dolling up to prepare for Jae and I’s, uh, date?

“Where are you heading to?” it was my mom, peeping at my room’s door.

I smiled at her as I combed my hair one last time. “I’ll meet Jae tonight, mom.”

She raised her brows, “Oh really? Tell Jae to visit too, it’s been months since I last saw him.”

I laughed at her request. My mom really likes Jae for me, and they’re really close—to the point that sometimes I feel like Jae’s her real child, not me. Not that I’m complaining, though. It’s really nice to see them bond together. I like the people who make my mom feel happy and comfortable.

“Sure, but I can’t guarantee his visit will be anytime soon, he’s busy.”

“Kids these days get so busy as if they’re already working their asses off.”

I sighed. It was true. Jae has been really busy these days, we could hardly meet. That’s why I was really happy when he texted me earlier and told me we would meet tonight.

I took one last good glance at myself at the mirror before standing up. I wore this pretty pink dress I bought the other week while I was strolling around the mall and saw someone I didn’t want to see so I pretended to go inside this expensive store and had to buy something to make it more convincing.

Our family driver drove me to El Tercero Hotel, and I told him Jae will just take me home later so he doesn’t have to wait. I felt gravity yanking my feet as I entered the hotel and strode my way to the restaurant we went to last time. Jae liked the food they served, maybe that’s why he wanted to come back. I didn’t want to, but how do I explain to him why I don’t want to come back here again?

I heaved a deep sigh. Just before I could look around and search for him, I heard someone call my name.

“Jaemi!” I gazed at the direction where the voice came from, and smiled when I saw Jae sitting at the left side of the restaurant. I waved at him and approached him, he then stood up and offered me a seat. Ah, my heart is melting.

“Did you wait for too long? I’m sorry, love.” I apologized.

He shook his head. “No, it’s alright.” Then he smiled at me. “You look really beautiful.”

I giggled and took the seat. “Thanks, I know I do.”

Jae then sat at the chair across me and scoffed. “Don’t you know how compliments work? You should return the compliment to me.”

I pretended not to hear him. Jae rolled his eyes comically and I chuckled. “Just kidding. You look great, Jae.”

Jae pouted, an action that I knew meant that he was stopping himself from smiling. But to no avail, he couldn’t stop his nostrils from flaring. He beamed me a bright smile. “I love you.”

I gazed at him, lovingly looking at me. “I love you too, Jae.”

“Let’s order first?”

I nodded, and he called a waiter right away. Jae looked at the menu and started enumerating what he wanted to order, but I couldn’t focus on what he was saying because someone caught my attention.

My chest congested, and I think I even grew pale. Shit. This is why I don’t want to come back here again.

“Jaemi? What do you want?” I turned to Jae and realized he has finished telling the waiter what he wanted to eat. Still dazed, I was disoriented. “I-I’ll take what you ordered.” I stuttered.

His forehead creased for a moment before he turned to the waiter. “Make it two, then.”

The waiter nodded and it was his cue to leave. My eyes found their way to Brian and damn, he was walking towards us with an evil grin. I fidgeted in my seat as he approached nearer and nearer.

“You’re making this your dating place, huh.” said Brian as he took the seat beside me.

Fucking fuck. I grew cold.

Jae chortled and did this fist bump thing with Brian. “Who’s your chef? He’s amazing, man!”

"Don't even think about pirating our chef to work for your restaurant." Brian laughed. I froze when he turned to me and beamed me a smile.

I couldn’t smile back. I was getting more and more flustered as time passed by. Why did he come here? What does he want? Why is he still doing this?

“Your dress looks good on you. I knew it would, even when you were still picking that from that store.” he blurted out.

I bit my lip when I recalled how I tried to stray away from his line of vision that day so I pretended to buy this dress, which I ended up buying anyway.

Jae tilted his head as he listened. “Oh, you were together when you bought that, love?”

“No!” I denied.

Jae chuckled as he looked at Brian. “Look at the strong denial of your existence, Bri. What did you do to her this time?”

Brian shrugged. “I didn’t do anything.” He looked at me. “Do you _hate_ me now, Jaemi?”

I fell stiff on my spot. I averted my gaze and shook my head. “N-No, that’s not what I meant. I-I was just saying that… he wasn’t with me that day.”

Jae nodded while Brian just abided piercing me with his gaze. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. This is why I don’t want to come here again. I don’t want to get involved again with this guy.

I have successfully placated myself when Jae spoke. “Anyway, love, are you free tomorrow?”

“Why?” I queried.

“We have our practice and I thought, maybe you’d like to watch your amazing boyfriend play badminton?” he jested.

“Sure, love.”

I smiled at him. My beloved Park Jaehyung. Damn handsome, no one would dare to argue with that. A huge part of the female population of our university likes him and I'm lucky he's in love with me. Aside from being one of the best badminton players in our university, he's also the lead guitarist of their band DAY6. Well, Brian is a member too. He's the bassist. He also goes by the stage name "Young K". Their band is also popular even outside our university, which is why the female population who likes him is not limited to only those that are in our school.

Which reminds me, I just got another death threat today. But that’s another story.

Jae and I have been in a relationship for 3 long years already. Our relationship has been steady, but not stale, and so far, the worst I got was a book flying right into my face when one of his fangirls could no longer hold back her _anger_ towards me for _stealing her oppa_ from her. Like I didn’t have the right to spend time with _my_ boyfriend. And in these three years, he has been nothing but a good boyfriend. He might be annoying sometimes, but I really do love him.

“You two are so corny.” Brian interjected while rolling his eyes.

I rolled my eyes too. “Then just leave if you don’t want to witness how corny we are.”

He smirked, which annoyed me, but also made my heart flip somersaults, much to my chagrin. “Sorry, this hotel’s mine.”

Like I care, you sly filthy rich heartbreaker?!

The appetizer arrived so I started eating it. They also started conversing between themselves. But even so, I could still feel Brian’s furtive glances on me, so I decided to just fully pay my attention to my food.

“The intramurals is fast approaching, we have to intensify our practices. Next week will be a jam-packed week for us, players.” Jae was still talking to Brian.

Brian raised a brow. “That’s awful. No girls for a week?”

Jae shot him a glare. “Shut up, dude. You know that I only love Jaemi.”

Brian stared at him for a moment and then guffawed at Jae’s remark. “Yeah right. You’re not like me. Okay, whatever. Good luck on your practice, then.”

“And about that…” Jae resumed. “Brian, you know the drill. Guard this love of mine while I’m busy, okay? She might get stolen from me. Just had to secure my property.”

Brian shamelessly gawked at me. “Sure, bro. I’m good at guarding things.”

And if I was pale earlier, I think I just lost all the colors on my face. Damn it, Jae. You shouldn’t entrust me with this guy!

“I can handle myself.” I interfered in their conversation, which earned me a look from the both of them.

"Yes, you can. But still, I want to make sure that you're mine alone so just let Brian accompany you." Jae insisted.

“You heard _your love_ , Jaemi.” Brian pretended to concur with what Jae suggested.

I felt chills down my spine when he uttered my name once again. I really have to leave this suffocating place as soon as possible before I die from a heart attack because I swear, this guy beside me will be the death of me.

“I’ll just go to the wash room, excuse me.” I didn’t wait for their response and stood up right away and trudged to the wash room, heart still feeling congested, mind still in haze.

Immediately, I took a look at myself at the mirror. I was right. I did grow pale. Dammit!

After I colored my lips with my red lipstick, I stared at my reflection. I sighed, one that is deep and depressing. I know this isn't right. I am perfectly aware. They're best friends. I don't want to ruin their friendship. I don't want to ruin them. I hate myself for this.

Another sigh escaped from my lips before I decided to go back. But just when I reached the door, the guy I have been avoiding, was standing right before me, yet again.

“Move.” I told him, but he didn’t move. I was about to just ignore him again and pass by him when he held my arm to stop me from running away, _like I always do._

“I told you to break up with him, right?” his dark brown eyes darted on mine. _Dark_ , like how I have always viewed him and the world he belongs to. Orbs full of woes. But these eyes are again speaking to me… seeking for comfort.

I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see them. I tried to let go from his grip but he just held me tighter. And I could only sigh.

Yes, he told me that. But it's wrong to do so because there's no fucking reason why I should. But it's even worse because I think my system has begun to like what he has been telling me because right now, my legs are getting wobbly from how intense his stares are, and I might just succumb to his temptations soon.

Damn the Young K effect.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, I lost my appetite.

I have only eaten 3 bites of the chicken in front of me yet I don’t think I can still continue eating this. My stomach is churning because of everything that is happening around me. Annoyed, I stabbed the chicken with my fork and scoffed.

“Girl, the chicken’s already dead. You still want to kill it with your glare?” Nayeon, one of my best friends, deadpanned.

I rolled my eyes heavenwards and darted my gaze back to the girls who were squealing like dying whales at the table on the other side of the cafeteria. This scene isn’t even new to me anymore, yet I still get annoyed whenever I witness this. And today, I am extra annoyed because I lost my appetite due to these dogs, shamelessly flirting in the cafeteria where everyone can see their malicious acts! I want a refund for the money I paid for my meal!

I forced myself to take another bite from my food but almost choked when I saw someone faint from the other table.

“OMG Brian, she fainted!” one of the female dogs exaggeratedly vociferated, I think her voice could be heard even from the next building.

Brian nodded. “I saw it too.”

What a jerk! His remark made me roll my eyes again. I heard Nayeon giggle beside me. I turned to her and saw her heart-shaped eyes.

“Brian is so handsome! Her girlfriend of the day must be so lucky!” she dreamily uttered.

Girlfriend of the day, yeah right. The great Brian Kang and his schedule of girls.

“He’s an ass.” was my only response.

“At this point, does that even still matter? I mean, hello? That’s “THE” Brian Kang we are talking about. Everyone’s practically dying to be _scheduled_.” Nayeon was still looking at their direction.

 _Everyone_ , she said. And I couldn’t find it in me to argue. Even though my insides are dying to retort that she’s wrong, because I am not like everyone else. I don’t want to be a part of his schedule of girls. I have my own man. But I couldn’t put it into words.

The girls started screaming that had me covering my ears. Brian lifted his head and openly stared at me. I gulped. He knows I’m here? How did he know when we were sitting literally on opposite sides of the place?

There went his infamous smirk, which, legend says, could make any girl’s underwear disappear in a second. Nayeon noticed Brian was looking our way and started fangirling over him. I almost face-palmed. My friend should seriously enforce her boundaries and start learning how to control herself in front of drop-dead gorgeous guys.

"Brian, are you free tonight? No one's at home..." It was Heejin

He shrugged while still looking at me. "I have something to do later, I’m sorry.”

"Then let's just go on a date today!"

I had to facepalm mentally otherwise I would die of secondhand embarrassment. Oh, when will her obsession over Brian even stop? Poor girl. And that stupid Brian is really going overboard! How could he play with their hearts and leave like nothing happened?

The girls started arguing over who would spend the day with Brian, and that Heejin has such a thick face for thinking she deserves to spend time with “THE” Brian Kang. It was getting more and more annoying.

“You are so noisy.” I mumbled.

“Sorry, I didn’t know this was the library?” Brian’s boisterous laughter filled the cafeteria.

And he fucking heard me? I almost threw my plate to him. Calming myself, I stood up. I need to vacate this place. I need a quiet place. I need to go the the freaking library!

I heard Nayeon calling my name. I didn’t even bother looking back and just continued trudging towards the exit. Jimin will arrive soon, Nayeon wouldn’t be alone for long. I just really need to unleash these frustrations I’ve been piling up again. I also ignored everyone I met along the way, that was how sour my mood was.

How could _he_ act like that? And in front of me, really? He’s such a whore. Always thirsty for women. Disgusting.

Luckily, I didn’t forget to bring my textbook in accounting with me, otherwise all of these will be pointless. I have to study, I’ve missed out on a lot recently. I clicked my tongue when I felt my hand sting. Probably because I only used one hand to carry it earlier, and I forgot to mention that my textbook is _really_ thick.

Immediately, I started scanning my textbook. I began reading the topics I wasn’t able to read during the past week. And just like after every encounter with him, I’ve lost my focus again. I couldn’t comprehend anything from the book I was reading.

I was startled when I felt someone straightening the crease on my forehead. As I lifted my head, I saw Jae smiling at me. My eyes widened.

“J-Jae! W-Why are you here?” another dumb question escaped my mouth.

He laughed at my reaction. “Of course I would be here. You’re here. Like, always here.”

Jae sat beside me and I fixed the way I was sitting. “You’ve been absent for a week so I thought you’d be here again to study.” Jae inched closer and tucked the stray hair strands that were obstructing my vision to the back of my ear.

“I was absent for a week because I was sick, but you didn’t visit me, even once.”

Jae let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. It was just difficult to slip out from my tight schedule. You know, practice and acads? I’m really sorry…”

I beamed at him. “I understand.”

Of course, that’s all I could do, right? To understand him, even though I was really disappointed deep down, I can’t voice that out.

I'm not selfish. I don't want him to sacrifice his passion for me. I don't want him to skip his practice games for the badminton game this month. I don’t want him to sacrifice the little time he has to spare for reviewing for his subjects.

Jae, the only son of the owner of the biggest law firms in South Korea. A family of lawyers. He’s currently taking up Political Science, and he will be going to law school after he graduates. I know that he’s under pressure because of his family background. Sometimes it makes me appreciate the fact that my family doesn’t pressure me. Even if I belong to a family of architects and engineers because our line of business is mainly infrastructure and stuff, they still allowed me to major in accounting. I am totally aware of how crucial Jae’s pre-law course is, so I don’t really want to get in the way of his chosen path.

I’m just really upset that he didn’t visit me even if I was only sick for 2 days and just got lazy to go to school for the rest of the week.

Jae sighed and reached out to hold my left hand. “Tell me, how do I make it up to you?”

I smiled. “You don’t have to, love. I understand.”

“But I missed you…”

That one line broke my heart. I missed him too. I am undeniably in love with him. But there's just something wrong with me that I can't decipher.

I pouted, and then Jae pouted too, mimicking me. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me for a hug. One that was so warm. One that was definitely my favourite. One that always feels reassuring when given to me. One that was from Jae. I hugged him back. “I missed you too.”

He raised his hand to caress my hair, another gesture that made my heart swell.

“Let’s go to your favourite ice cream parlor later?”

I broke from the hug. “Are you serious?!”

“When did I ever lie to you?” he smiled at me again.

His beautiful eyes took me to a place that's pure bliss. I could stare at him forever. I just love Jae so much.

We spent two full hours together, only the two of us snuggling each other in silence. Jae doesn’t really initiate skinships, there are only a few cases where he did, and this is included. He’s not against it, just not the person who would openly suggest to cuddle. But I know just how much he loves cuddles, just as much as I do.

It’s intramurals week, he’s probably busy but he went here to find me, to make up for the times we couldn’t be together.

“Is your band going to play for the party on Friday?” I queried, remembering that he’s also part of a band.

“Hmm?” he looked at me with his arm still wrapped around me. “Yeah, you’ll watch, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I snorted. “I want to see you breaking your back again while playing your electric guitar.”

Jae hissed. “Excuse you, but I look cool doing that.”

“Sure, sure.” I laughed. He laughed eventually when I hugged him tighter. Ah, Jae. Always thirsty for compliments. But he deserves those compliments, anyway.

Jae eventually had to leave because he had a class and still had to prepare for his practice later, his game will be over morrow. I abided reading my accounting book, and lost tract of the time while doing so. I didn’t even realize that it was already late, and perhaps I was the only student remaining in the library. I kind of regret skipping school a week before the intramurals. Not only because I had to work harder in catching up with the lessons I missed, but I also have a lot to do as an officer in our organization.

And heck, I didn’t understand a single thing from what I’ve been reading right now.

Suddenly, I felt a strong pair of arms hugging me from behind. “I missed you, sugar.”

That voice. Darn it.

I closed my eyes firmly before opening them again, and turned to him. “Stop it, Brian.”

“What now? I didn’t kiss any other girls today!” he responded defensively.

“Then what did you do? Played rock papers and scissors with them? Are you now done with your schedule of girls for today?” I rolled my eyes as the scene at the cafeteria replayed in my head. I hissed in annoyance.

“You’re jealous now, huh.”

I forcefully removed his arms that he snaked around me. He chuckled and sat beside me.

"I'm not. And please, stop bothering me.."

He looked around the place. "We're the only ones here. Can I kiss you?"

I gasped. "I said, stop it, Brian!"

He pouted. He's darn cute. But I am darn pissed so I brushed the thought off.

"You were absent for a week, and now you're being mean to me. That hurts, sugar."

Fuck that endearment. My heart is flipping another set of somersaults within my chest.

I ignored him and just proceeded to just reviewing again albeit all my efforts are futile.

"What's that?" Brian took the book from my hand.

"Hello? Are you stupid? Obviously, it's a book."

"Well, of course it's a book sugar. I'm asking what's that red line on your right hand."

It was when I realized, he took the book to take a better look of my hand. He reached for it and raised it, and then stared at it as if there was something he would discover from it.

“What happened to your hand?” his brows furrowed.

I broke away from his hold. “Nothing.”

“It’s swelling, and you’re saying it’s nothing?”

Okay, he’s mad. I know. He has this certain expression when he gets mad. I shook my head, it was true. It was just nothing. Maybe it’s just because I carried my thick book with one hand, and I forgot that my hand was small and sensitive.

Brian inched closer to me and reached out for my hand. He then started kissing each of my fingers, looking at them with such affection. “Please take better care of yourself, sugar.”

 _Sugar_. That endearment with that low voice will be the death of me.

My heart started to swell as I take in the sight of him. There goes his lonely eyes again. I bit my lower lip as I felt it tremble. I don’t want to see him like this again. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. He was still holding my hand.

“Brian, whatever you’re doing… Please stop it.” I pleaded. For the nth time.

As I opened my eyes, he shook his head and fixated his gaze on me. On my eyes. I could almost see despair in his.

“No, Jaemi. I won’t stop this.” he responded, voice guarded with conviction.

I took my hand from him and tried to calm myself. I could feel my tears welling in my eyes. But no, I can’t cry in front of him. “Why are you doing this? Are you that bored that you want to toy even with your best friend’s girlfriend? Do you see me as a trophy because of all the girls here in the university, I am the only one that is not affected by that fucking ‘Young K effect’? Because if that’s the case, then just fucking stop! This is not a game! I am not a fucking trophy that you can win! And I am taken! I’m your best friend’s girlfriend, for fuck’s sake!"

Hot drops of liquid started to cascade down my cheeks. I was breaking down. I don’t like how he’s making me confused even when I know I shouldn’t, because someone else already owns me. I shouldn’t be confused, but everything is baffling me right now. I always find myself befuddled and conflicted by his words and actions, which I know are empty. I don’t like it because my system keeps on craving for him. And I am perfectly aware that this is fucking wrong.

“I know you are. Everyone knows you’re taken. But fuck, what can I do if I’m also in love with you?”

There goes his empty words again. Telling me he loves me.

I shook my head and turned to him. “Just go play with someone else, Brian. Stop pretending that you’re in love with me just so you can get what you want. Jae is my boyfriend. Jae is your best friend. Do you understand that? I don’t want to hurt him, especially you as the reason.” I stared right into his eyes.

“Damn those beautiful eyes…” his right hand caressed my left cheek, tracing the end of my left eye, and then wiped my tears away.

I almost ceased my breath. I was drowning in his gaze.

"These eyes... are the reason why I can't stop. I can't last a day without looking at them."

I closed my eyes firmly as I felt my heart pound continuously inside of me. I should make use of my brain that I’ve always been proud of. I can’t make stupid mistakes again. _I can’t hurt him._ I chanted like a mantra so I can muster my strength to walk away from this man that was in front of me.

I shook my head and opened my eyes. Without a word, I stood up and took my book. I immediately turned around and started marching steps away from him when he spoke again.

"I can be your clandestine love, sugar… I’ll take whatever I can get. Just please...” his voice was shaking. I could feel his despair and sadness. I bit my lip as he continued. “Don't make me stop loving you."

I continued walking away as if I heard nothing. Right, I shouldn’t let him get under my skin. I should also enforce my boundaries.

Who would believe a playboy, anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

You know that eerie sound of void that is found during a deafening silence? On a normal day, I would not even want to drown in that ear-splitting cacophony. Yet right now, even amidst the steamy rivulets from the shower falling down on me, and all the noise that I wouldn’t even notice usually, I was yearning for that piercing hush to take over my system.

The water continued to descend from the metallic head that hung loosely above my head—warm and comforting—except that it couldn’t actually soothe the ache that clawed at my limbs, and the pain that dwelled in my chest.

The bathroom was still filled with steam. And then it started again: the noise. It’s not about the dripping water, it never was. It was this low voice that just wouldn’t leave me alone. Like an annoying itch that just wouldn’t stop.

_"I can be your clandestine love, sugar… I’ll take whatever I can get. Just please... Don't make me stop loving you."_

Letting the heat soak into my skin, I looked up and tried to focus on the shower head and met each fall of the single spheres of water to avert my attention, but it just rang louder.

_“Don't make me stop loving you."_

His downcast eyes appeared again in my mind. I shook my head and struggled to visualize Jae’s eyes instead.

I reached out for the lever to turn off the shower and ripped the shower curtain open. Even with my foggy vision, I marched baby steps towards the towel rack where the bathrobe hook lies beside. I have to get my shit together.

It’s been hours, but his baritone voice seeping with sorrow has been playing on repeat in my memory. I couldn’t even do the stuff I was supposed to do, I even had to ignore the emails that my co-officers had been flooding me since this afternoon, because I was aware that I was not in the perfect condition to work, and I couldn’t commit on anything knowing that I can’t give my hundred percent.

It was difficult even just dressing myself up after my long episode of life realizations in the bathroom. Thoughts were still clouding my brain. I flopped down my bed after I dried my hair. I could feel the exhaustion start to yank me to drift into slumber, but my mind was still fully awake.

“THE” Brian Kang—whose name alone can leave you slumped lethargic, whose smile draws in almost every girl that he encounters, whose favorite hobby is disposing women like trash after he grows sick of them (alternatively, according to legend, after he beds them once). He literally could just wink at girls and they’ll take it as him, asking them to undress. And what’s ridiculous is the fact that all these are real. He’s literally living _the life_. He’s rich, filthy rich for that matter. I heard he was also doing well in school despite all the things going on in his life, he could still squeeze whatever the hell new hobby he likes.

The fact that he’s been telling me that he loves me—me, who actually came from an affluent family, and yes, I know that I am not ugly. I also excel in my studies. And ultimately, I have a boyfriend. Does that make me his _new hobby_? Was that why he’s so desperate in convincing me to break up with Jae, just so he can toy with me and then just dispose of me afterwards?

It’s still vivid in my memory, when all this started. Like a few mistakes ago, I was still living a tranquil life. And then _that_ happened.

_I get along with a lot of students because I was dubbed as one of the best students in our department, and I am respected for that. And because I am Jae’s girlfriend. Jae’s popular, and you know how fragrance just spreads rapidly when you’re with someone who smells good? That’s that. However, with the context of “a lot of students” that I get along with, the rest of the student population just hates me._

_And it’s because of the same reasons that people like me._

_I sighed as I remember the flying textbook I received with my face yesterday, the whole scene made me ponder, maybe I’d make a good volleyball player?_

_Not to mention the piles of death threats that I receive in my locker, and even in my inbox in my sns accounts. I just came to master the art of ignoring them. Life’s good, I don’t have the luxury to pay them any attention. I have a lot more things to busy myself with._

_I rolled my eyes when I saw two girls who were shamelessly gawking at me while whispering to each other. I just ignored them and continued walking downstairs, I just finished passing my requirement for a particular subject this semester. I took my phone and texted Jae that I’d be on my way home soon. I also texted our driver to pick me up today since my car broke down this morning, and I’m actually not in the perfect condition to drive since I only had an hour of sleep. I stood beside a huge post just before the parking lot, I’ll just wait here._

_I wondered what Nayeon and Jimin were up to today. I couldn’t hang out with them recently because I’ve been really busy with org duties._

_“Jaemi?” I was startled by the sudden low voice that called my name._

_It was Sungjin, and he was with Dowoon, the sophomore kid who plays the drums in their band. “Oh, hey Sungjin. What is it?”_

_He looked around. “Who are you with? Do you want to come with us? We’re going to Jae’s house and practice there.”_

_He was talking about their gig at a club on Saturday. And he wasn’t talking about Jae’s house as in his family’s house. That’s taboo in their household. He’s literally not allowed to do things outside the conditions of all the preparations he needed to become an amazing lawyer, just like the rest of his family. He’s just doing this band stuff when he has free time, and that’s why he’s living alone right now. He wanted to break free. Somehow, maybe._

_I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I’m kinda busy right now. Thanks for offering though.”_

_He shrugged. “Okay.” And then they left._

_I sighed. The sky was getting darker. It’s past 6PM but it’s not completely dark yet since it’s still summer, and days are longer than nights. I was getting impatient with how long our driver was taking to arrive when my gaze landed on a familiar physique not too far from me._

_About 10 meters away from me was a red Ferrari, and beside it stood a man in a black padding jacket—one that was very familiar for me not to recognize—a jacket that says “BUSINESS SCHOOL. Business Administration”. And he was not alone, which didn’t even surprise me. He was with a woman sporting a maroon off-shoulder dress, with her breasts almost standing in their utmost confidence._ Disgusting. _They started to lock their lips, and even from afar, I could see the woman palming him—what the actual fuck!_

_That was Brian Kang. The man who exudes this rough aura—one so sturdy you cannot bring him down that easily. Always surrounded by women. Sex and booze are definitely his favorite words. I don’t understand why I’m friends with this guy, I mean, he’s utter disgusting. I hate everything that his existence manifests. And the only normal conversation I had with him was when I had to nurse him for like, a whole week in the infirmary when he injured himself in one of his games and he was too hard-headed and still went to school everyday. He was sent to the clinic everyday too and wasn’t allowed to play for a whole month. I had to nurse him because he was Jae’s best friend, and if another girl was to take care of him, it’ll definitely end up with a different context of “taking care”._

_Right, not to mention, he’s one of the basketball varsity players in our university. It doesn’t matter to me, I was never fazed by the fact that everyone here practically worships him. Who does he think he is? Trying to kill every woman in the planet with those sparkly, tantalizing eyes?_

_They continued making out so I averted my gaze. I tried to brush off the nasty scene from my head and decided to take my phone and just surf the internet to entertain myself, when I saw Jimin approaching nearer._

_My brows creased when I saw her hair all messy, and then I realized she was hurrying towards the parking lot. “Jimin!” I called her._

_She stopped by her tracks and looked at me as if she saw a ghost. “J-Jaemi! Why are you still here?”_

_I smiled at her and strode towards her. I raised my hand and started fixing her hair. “I’m waiting for our driver. How about you? And why are you walking around with this messy hair? And you’re so sweaty?”_

_Jimin bit her lower lip. “Ah… I had to run a few errands here and there for our department.”_

_I nodded. “You’re going home now?”_

_“Yes…”_

_“Uh, okay. Take care. Drive safely.” I also fixed her hair clip. “By the way, fix your lipstick, girl. You’re being careless again.”_

_Jimin closed her eyes firmly as if placating a raging headache. “I will. I’ll go now. Bye, sis.”_

_Jimin Park. One of my best friends, along with Nayeon. We’ve been friends since freshmen year, although Nayeon and I have been friends since we were little. Being friends with them was like being in between them. Nayeon and Jimin were the extremes. Nayeon, always jolly, always cheerful. Jimin, chic and secretive. I have always been there to balance. Sometimes I’m kinda Nayeon, sometimes I’m Jimin. And that reflects just how indecisive I often get. I don’t know where I had to stand._

_I looked back to where Brian was earlier, since he’s still a friend (I had to tell him about the band practice which he probably forgot again because his head is full of women and he’s careless like that) but my heart raced when I saw him heading my direction, long strides of his long legs made it look like we were only three meters apart with how fast he was approaching me._

_Hair dishevelled, his padding jacket now gone and his chest exposed as if purposefully for everyone to feast on—the first 3 buttons of his shirt now unbuttoned. It didn’t take long until he was standing in front of me._

_Right, I had to tell him about the band practice. “B-Brian—”_

_“You have to break up with Jae.” He blunted._

_What the hell? “What?”_

_Brian stepped closer and stretched out his hand to hold my left arm, as he looked straight into my eyes. “I love you. Break up with him.”_

_What the actual… fuck? He dared say that with that smudged lipstick stain on his face? Right after I witnessed him almost devour the woman he was with earlier?_

_I removed his grip on me. “Look, whatever the fuck this is you’re talking about, stop shitting on me. I don’t have the luxury to entertain you and your stupid games. Go rot in hell.”_

_How could he say that to me? To me, who was his best friend’s girlfriend? And right after he made out with his girl for the day?!_

That was five months ago. And that was how it had been during the first month, but then he suddenly became more aggressive with making me break up with Jae. He abided his scheme, while still drowning in his pool of girls. Nice try, Brian. But try harder. You manwhore.

The next day was pretty much normal. I only had one class, and was on my way to Gym 1, where the badminton game was taking place. I promised Jae I will watch his game. But before I could even arrive at the gym, someone wearing a black and red jersey pulled me and started dragging me to the opposite direction.

“Let me go, Brian! I’m going to watch Jae play!” I demanded but he just ignored me.

It was lucky that there were no students lurking around the vicinity, must be busy with their own sports, or merely watching others play. No one would hear our arguments. I don’t want to be associated with this guy, because being involved with him would only mean more death threats for me to eat for breakfast.

“Badminton is boring, just go watch me play basketball.”

I couldn’t even argue with him anymore because we have already arrived at Gym 3. My eardrums almost broke when girls started screaming as soon as they took the sight of Brian. He made me sit on the nearest row of the bleachers, and nearest row meant the territory of the fangirls.

My heart started racing at the thought that an issue might start after this. Especially when I saw a group of girls glaring at me, almost looking as if they would hit me with the huge board they were holding, one that says “Brian Kang, pls shoot us next”, like that wasn’t sickening.

I stayed silent and just opted to sit until the game was over. I had to look down most of the time because I was avoiding any eye contact we could make. But sometimes, I would steal glances of him whenever he shoots 3 points ringless. He really looked cool playing like that, looking like he was having the time of his life. Everytime he could add points to their team’s score, the whole gym would roar, brassieres flying everywhere.

Not unusual, but still not a nice thing to see.

As soon as the third quarter ended, I got up and hurried towards the exit. The game was still not done but I was already running away, like what I always do to him. I was always only good at escaping whenever I couldn’t stand my problems. I took a deep breath when I was finally out, but the catharsis was short-lived, because I was then getting dragged away.

“Brian let me—”

“Ssshh…” he hushed me and mouthed, _“They’re following me, we should hide.”_

I looked over his shoulder and saw the girls who were once part of his schedule (I know because I always see them making a scene), and I started to panic. They can’t see me with him. Brian pulled me before they could spot us, and I just found myself at the locker room of the basketball players. Brian instantly locked the door.

“I-I have to leave…” I whispered to him.

His brows furrowed. “They’ll see you come out from here.”

“Then why did you even bring me here?!” I was getting agitated. I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone with him in one closed room. Wasn’t this the exact thing I’ve been avoiding all this time?

Brian looked away. “Just sit here for a while, I’ll shower first.” He pointed the grey door adjacent to the wall I was leaning on.

“And why did you leave your teammates just like that?”

There was still one quarter remaining before the basketball match officially ended but he just escaped as if he wasn’t hard carrying the whole team during games.

He pierced his gaze on me. “Why did you leave?”

I fell silent. I turned around so I wouldn’t see him. I then heard footsteps, and I knew it was him heading to the shower room. When I heard a clicking sound, I finally let out the breath I was holding. God, what am I even doing here?

Minutes passed before I heard another clicking sound. Wow, finally, he’s done showering. I stood up and turned around, annoyed. “I thought you already drowned—”

It felt as if I have swallowed my tongue. I couldn’t continue what I was ranting. My eyes had been welcomed by a Brian Kang, torso dripping wet—a sign that he has just finished showering. Rivulets spread across his broad chest, water still descending from the tips of his hair down his physique. Abs perfectly chiselled, shoulders ultimately broad—as if calling you to take a rest because they scream security—isn’t that what broad shoulders are for? His well-built physique, which made me recall how I’ve always liked the cute, lean, and nice guys. Not the ruthless men. Never the crude playboys. But the raw beauty standing before me made me question my life decisions—for the nth time. And as my eyes travelled south, towards somewhere that was covered by an annoying white cloth called towel—and did I really call that towel annoying?

“Enjoying the view, sugar?” he teased as he stretched out his arms, as if wanting to expose more of what my eyes have been feasting on.

I felt all my blood gushing to my face. “Get dressed!”

My heart was pounding loudly in my chest. What the hell just happened?!

Immediately, he took a black polo shirt and a pair of pants from an open locker, which I assumed to be his. I turned around as I listened to him laugh boisterously. I was having a hard time to breathe as I started to picture him getting dressed, all that naked glory of him—no, stop it, Jaemi!

“I’m done.” He blunted. I didn’t turn around, he might just be playing again with me. For all I know, he could have stripped even that annoying towel, waiting for me to turn around to view his naked glory.

Hot breath against my skin, and yet it sent chills to my spine. “Look at me now, sugar.”

I chewed on my lip as I remained not looking at him. Brian wreathed me into a back hug, and then rested his cheek on my shoulder. “I missed you. Do you know that?”

“You always say that.” that they’ve become empty words, I wanted to add. Not that I’m expecting him to mean what he just uttered. I can never expect that from him.

He snuggled me closer and embraced me tighter. “But I do… You and I could be like Sonny and Cher…” he kissed my shoulder blade, fuck, it was a bad idea that I wore an off-shoulder dress today. “Honey and bears…”

“Oil and water.” I added.

He chuckled, one that was boyish in every sense. “Would you look at me now, sugar?”

I closed my eyes firmly before turning around, yet I must have pivoted on a wrong heel because suddenly I was falling face-first, but Brian and his inhuman reflexes made his magic. He spun me around and swiftly changed places with me, causing him to fall on the floor on his back, protecting me.

My eyes widened, flabbergasted. “B-Brian! Are you okay?!”

His arms remained draping around my body. “Are you okay?”

“Why are you asking me? You’re the one who fell!” I pointed out.

“I know, but are you okay?” he queried for the second time, dismissing the fact the he fell.

His hold, although firm, was tender, if that even made sense. I felt secured and protected with the way he wreathed me in his arms. I remained staring at him; eyes fixated on his. The same guy I’ve been steering clear from, is the same guy who was holding me close, whose breath was ghosting over my lips. He removed one hand from his grip and raised it to cup my cheek, gently brushing it, until it went down, tracing my skin all the way to my lips, and then brushing them again.

“You look so scared.” He whispered. “Scared that your saint of a boyfriend might find out?”

And Jae’s face flashed in my mind. I remembered how I should be in his arms right now and not in this guy’s. I remembered how his skin felt when brushed with mine, and only his skin. I remembered his lips… but the image vanished quickly as Brian inched closer and closed the gap between our lips in a kiss that’s slow, but torrid. Like a desert that’s been under the searing heat of the sun for decades, and no amount of rain could douse the fire that’s burning in him.

And I just like that, found myself hooked in, like a fish on a hook.

I parted my lips to welcome him, tongue hot against mine, tasting both sweet and bitter. _Booze_. He tasted like the word that defines him. _Dark_. Brian swiftly exchanged positions and suddenly he was on top of me, without breaking the kiss. _Magic_. His arms looped on my waist and remained still, as if putting me in the place where I truly belong—under him. Under his skin. Under his spell. While mine travelled from his chest to his nape, as the kiss deepened. I was rendered breathless; unable to think in the heat of the moment.

We had to eventually stop to catch our breaths. Brian looked at me, full of fervor and desire. Like a predator who successfully cornered its prey. He gazed at me fervently, as if planning to devour me—raw and whole.

His infamous smirk etched again on his face, and then held the hem of his shirt. “Should I take this off again?” and motioned to strip once again.

The whole image of him topless earlier had me flaring into crimson. I was still feeble after the heated kiss that we shared. “T-That shouldn’t have happened.”

A long pause. “Why?”

I couldn’t utter a response. _Jae. Jae. Jae._ My entirety is screaming in guilt. _This is wrong_. I firmly closed my eyes in attempt to stop them from welling tears. _Jae is the one I love_. I chanted like crazy to remind myself of the truth. That this was wrong, and Jae was the one I truly love.

“Then why did you kiss me back?”

_Why did I kiss him back?_

For the past five months, I have been conflicted. I didn’t want to succumb to any of his temptations. Yet when I looked up and met his dark orbs, the fire in my gut intensified.

"Kiss me," he said. "Kiss me like how the devil kisses his sins."

_No, I can’t let go of him._

Slowly, I kissed him back. His lips were the gates to hell—hot like the blazing fire in it. This isn't how our sin should taste like, but I love it. I love every bit of it. If this is a sin, then let me be the devil.

“We’re going to hell for this.” I whispered in between in our kisses. I felt Brian shake his head. He broke the kiss and darted his gaze on my eyes, as if speaking right into my soul. He smiled, one that was weak, like he was so exhausted of the chase.

“Fuck that. I’m willing to burn in hell if in exchange I can get even a little love from you in moments like this.”

And then he leaned in to close again the distance between our lips.


	4. Chapter 4

I was rummaging through the papers before me when my phone vibrated again, jolting me from my seat. I quickly took it from my pocket and my heart skipped a beat when I saw who it came from. It was him.

_B.K.:_

_Sugar._

Immediately, I locked my phone. But not even a minute passed when it vibrated again.

_B.K.:_

_Sugar, why are you ignoring me? :(_

I sighed and ignored him again. He’s been flooding me with messages the whole day and I’ve also been blatantly ignoring his texts. Aside from the fact that I am busy with my org duties, I’m still not used to this—he and I exchanging texts like we’ve been friends, or lovers, or whatever—since forever.

It’s been 2 days since _that_ happened. And I don’t really know how things will turn out now. I buried my face in my hands. Suddenly, I felt like crying. After what happened the other day, I left Brian in the locker room and had the audacity to appear in front of Jae, as if I did not do anything behind his back just minutes before.

I felt my phone vibrate again but didn’t even bother reading it. I turned it off and went back to finding the report that my classmate left and probably got combined with the other reports here in our organization’s office.

I yawned. Sleep had been really intractable for me recently. I just had two hours of sleep last night and then had to go to school early because I had a 7:30AM class this morning. When I found the report, I trod towards a vacant table and decided to just finish my work.

My head was throbbing, must be due to lack of sleep. I stared at the screen of my laptop and sighed at all the financial statements I had to finish for our organization. A congratulatory party for the newly licensed Certified Public Accountants alumni of our university had been held and we, being in the department of accountancy, were obligated to attend and take care of all the expenses and needs of the party. And now that it’s done, we’re left with all these work.

“Jaemi, you look so tired. Do you want me to work in your stead first? You can go take a nap for a while.” I glanced up at Wonpil, my classmate, who is also the Vice President for Finance. I am the Vice President for Accounts and Records and we’re the ones who make the financial statements. He flashed me a smile. “Ah, I’m not asking you. I’m telling you to make me work in your stead. You go sit somewhere else first, I’ll be fine here.”

The corner of my lips tugged a smile. “Thanks, Pil! I wasn’t actually thinking of saying no.”

He pouted. “It’s okay, I’m used to you enslaving me.”

I gasped. “When did I ever do that to you?”

He shook his head. “I was kidding. I was talking about Jae. Now go get some rest. You need it.”

I nodded and got up from the swivel chair I was sitting on here in our office. That wasn’t the first time that Wonpil offered to help me, even if we actually had to divide the workload between us. Sometimes, he would do even the work assigned to me. Wonpil Kim. He’s a good friend, and good thing there’s someone I can talk to in our organization aside from our president, Ayeon. He’s also good friends with Jae and a part of the band he is in.

I looked at my wristwatch and it’s only 9 in the morning.

I walked towards the farthest chair, one that was located beside the window, just below the air conditioner and rested my head on the table in front of me. My eyes roamed at the pristine color of white which painted the walls of the whole office. Serene, exactly the way I want it. Soon enough, I drifted to sleep.

I woke up hours after, only to be almost sent back to sleep permanently—I almost had a heart attack when I saw Wonpil gawking at me right after I woke up. He was frowning. I held my chest to calm myself and sat straight as I faced him. “What’s up, Pil?”

“I have to do something but I couldn’t leave you here alone, Jae will kill me. So I just waited for you to wake up, but I didn’t expect you to sleep for four full hours.” He was sulking, and then I realized he was holding this chicken plush doll and gestured to hit it on the corner of the table.

“Four hours?” I glanced at my watch it was already past 1PM. I palmed my face and immediately apologized. “I’m so sorry, Wonpil, I also didn’t expect that I’d sleep for that long. Sorry, you could’ve just called Jae, he doesn’t have a class today.”

Wonpil took the notebook that I rested my face on earlier while sleeping. “I wouldn’t be able to leave anyway, I needed this notebook.”

I beamed at him. “Sorry…”

He playfully clicked his tongue and made a funny face. “It’s okay. Just tell Jae to minimize his bullying, I might actually fight back one of these days.”

I giggled. “Yeah, I’ll tell him.” I stood up and looked for my bag. “I have to go now, though. Did you finish the financial statements?” Before he could even answer, I grinned at him. “You have to finish it, Pil. Because I’m leaving. Bye!”

“B-But—!”

“Bye!”

I was laughing while running away from our office. Before I arrived at the stairs, 2 arms linked on both of mine, stopping me from my tracks. It was Nayeon and Jimin.

“Where are you going?” Nayeon asked as she clung onto me tighter.

I tried to break free from their hold but they just wouldn’t budge. “I don’t know, I was just running away from Wonpil. How about the two of you?”

Nayeon grinned. “To the cafeteria. Wanna come with us?”

Right, I haven’t eaten lunch yet and it’s past lunch time already. We went to the cafeteria, I only bought a clubhouse sandwich for myself and a soda since I wasn’t really feeling hungry. Jimin didn’t buy anything but soda though. While Nayeon bought salmon sushi. A lot of salmon sushi. I rolled my eyes and just sat at the nearest table, which actually was the largest table in the cafeteria. Jimin sat across me while Nayeon sat on my right.

“So… How are things going?” Nayeon blurted out all of a sudden.

“What things are you talking about?” I asked back. Jimin looked at us while drinking.

She shrugged. “I don’t know, what do you want to share? We haven’t talked to each other since Monday and I missed you.” She even faked crying.

I giggled. “Clingy.” Then took a bite on my sandwich. “Nothing. Just the normal stuff—”

An arm draped on my shoulders, alarming me. I turned to the person who sat on my left and saw Jae.

I sighed in relief. It was Jae. It wasn’t that scandalous man. “Hey.” He greeted as he pecked my cheek.

I smiled at him. “Hey, love.”

But then again, ever since getting associated with that guy, my life has never been peaceful again. My heart raced as I recognized him, together with their other friends, approaching our direction.

I looked away and darted my eyes on Jae instead. “L-Love… why are you here?”

“Oh, love birds!” Nayeon commented.

“Correction, one of them is a chicken.” Jimin deadpanned which earned a laugh from the ever jolly Nayeon. I just ignored them and turned my attention to Jae.

He raised a brow. “Why? You don’t want to see me?”

“No, I mean… I thought you don’t have a class today?” I gulped nervously as Brian took the seat across Jae and beside Jimin, which means he’s in front of us.

Normally, I would greet them whenever I see them around, but this time, after what has happened the other day, I couldn’t. I wanted to shrink in my seat. I wanted to run away again. I never really liked upfront confrontations like this, especially one that involves Brian.

Good thing Wonpil was there too. “Do you know what your good girlfriend did to me, Jae? She made me do all of her workload! She ran away and left me alone to do the financial statements!” he ranted as he sat beside Brian.

Jae chuckled as he pulled me closer to him. “Well, sometimes Wonder Woman gets tired too.”

Sungjin took the seat beside Jae and started eating chicken silently. I realized that Dowoon wasn’t present, so the gang wasn’t complete.

“Apparently, Wonder Woman loves running away.” It was Brian.

I bit my lower lip as I grew more conscious of his presence. I knew what he meant. Jae snickered and started caressing my hair, making me face him.

“I know you’re working hard, especially recently. I just want to tell you that you’re doing well, love.” the corners of his lips arched while he stared at me intently. “I’m proud of you.”

My lips quivered as my throat tightened. I shook my head and looked down, and tried to calm myself. No, Jae. You shouldn’t. You can’t be proud of me. Because I can never be proud of what I am doing to you.

My breath almost halted when he inched closer and placed a soft kiss on my lips, earning a loud _eew_ from Wonpil, and a shameless squeal from Nayeon.

“Don’t be sad anymore. I know you’re tired.” there goes his angelic smile again.

I pursed my lips. Jae, you’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.

As Jae pulled me to rest my head on his shoulder, I felt the presence of a piercing glare in front of me.

Brian was looking at us; neither annoyed, nor amused. His face was expressionless, but he continued to gawk at us shamelessly, not even trying to hide it.

“Can you not do that in public?” his gaze remained glued on me which made me shiver. He screamed hazard, like the dangerous man he really was. My chest congested in too much vehement emotions that were reeling inside of me. It felt awkward and thrilling at the same time. Awkward, because Brian witnessed the whole scene. Thrilling, because even if his expression doesn’t manifest it, his eyes were giving him away. I know that I was earning a reaction from him. Not that I like the idea. It’s just… unusual. It felt weird.

Jae tilted his head and faced him. “Since when did the great Brian Kang start giving a damn about what other people think about PDA?” he smirked. “Plus, she’s my girlfriend. I don’t see anything wrong with what we just did.”

I closed my eyes and tried my best to block their voices from my senses. I don’t want to hear any more of this conversation. My heart was still pounding, I think I might throw up in all this anxiety he’s bringing me.

And then a girl’s moan was heard. Startled, I looked for where the sound came from and all of a sudden, a girl wearing a black top with plunging neckline was seen clinging on Brian.

“Master…” she called him as he wrapped her arms around his neck and sat on his lap. “Will you play with me today?”

Wow... Master? What is she, his slave?

Brian closed his eyes for a moment before glancing on his luxurious wristwatch that probably costs millions. “I have something to do back in the hotel. I’ll be leaving first.” then he stood up and exited, pointedly ignoring the girl who was literally serving herself for Brian to eat.

“Oops, look like someone’s not in a good mood.” Sungjin commented from the side as we all followed Brian with our eyes.

Jimin, who just finished her soda, shrugged. “Bad boys are just really like that. Dramatic entrances and dramatic exits.”

I turned to her and she continued staring at the empty can in front of her. It’s been a while since I’ve had a normal conversation with Jimin. My heart ached at the thought that maybe, we’re drifting apart from each other. And not only from me. She’s been withdrawing from everyone around her. And honestly, it’s making me worried.

“Don’t mind him. You know that he’s being trained by his family since he’s the heir to their business, right?” Jae said, holding my hand. “Maybe something urgent just needed to be taken care of in their hotel.”

I nodded and pretended not to care. Which I really should do. It’s not like I’m in a relationship with him. I mean… Jae is my boyfriend. And not Brian. And I shouldn’t feel guilty about not giving a shit on whatever the hell he’s going through. I should be guilty that I felt conflicted about my emotions earlier, instead.

Soon enough, we decided to vacate the cafeteria as well. Jae and the others were heading to a golf club to let pass time as they wait for Brian and Wonpil. I bade them goodbye and joined Wonpil as we head back to the office to finish the financial statements we’ve been doing for the past days (we’ve been slacking off that’s why it’s taking us too long).

I stopped before we could arrive at our department’s building, I remembered the signed letter that I had to retrieve from the dean’s office.

“Uh, Pil, you go ahead. I’ll drop by the dean’s office and get the letter we sent the other day.” I told him.

He raised his brows. “Okay? Just hurry up so we can finish our work today.”

“Yes, thanks!”

I retracted and started striding towards the opposite building. It was only meters away from the accounting department’s building, so I could just sprint, if hastening my pace wasn’t enough. But before I could do so, I was dragged inside the ladies’ comfort room, and then the door clicked.

My eyes rounded in horror when I saw who pulled me inside. “B-Brian?!”

His expression did not change. He was still looking at me with those eyes burning in fury. I flinched when abruptly, he attacked me with his lips—angry and full of fire. He started stepping forward and all I could do was to step back, until my back bumped to the cold wall of the comfort room. His tongue prod at my lips, as if ordering me to open my mouth for entrance. I kept my mouth closed as he reached for both of my hands and raised them above my head. But then Brian bit my lower lip, causing me to eventually open my mouth. And there started his invasion—our tongues fought for dominance. As the kiss went on, I was growing breathless.

Brian’s right hand kept my hands still above me while the other one travelled across my chest, and found refuge in the mounds. I softly moaned when he slipped one hand under my halter top and squeezed one of my breasts, and then his lips trailed down my jawline, then ran his tongue on the skin under my earlobe. “B-Brian…” I called him, wild tremors travelling through my nerves.

“Hmm?” he hummed as he started kissing my neck, skimming my collarbone, then my shoulders.

“L-Let…” my legs were getting more and more wobbly as time passed by. “Let go of my hand…”

He then followed suit. I took the chance to cling my arms on his neck, and then ascended to his hair, which I started pulling because I couldn’t take it anymore. Brian smiled as he went back to attacking my lips. I was getting drunk in his kisses, I couldn’t stop anymore. His eyes stared straight into mine—looking at the devil that was within me.

It’s not the first time that I have kissed a man, hell, I’ve had a fair share of experience in making out. But never have I felt this way. Like every square inch of my body was melting into his. Like the world around me was fading away. Like the only important thing was how I could prolong the moment that my lips were attached to his.

Brian’s hands found their way to my waist. We were both panting as he inched closer and rested his forehead on mine. Then he lifted one hand and brushed my lips gently. “There. I’ve already erased the trace of his kiss from you.”

My brows furrowed, confused by what he just said. And then it dawned on me. Jae kissed me earlier, in front of him.

I closed my eyes at the thought of Jae.

Jae’s kisses were very different. Sure, we would make out every now and then, but his kisses were completely different from Brian’s kisses. Jae would always be delicate. Hot, but very gentle. Like he was so afraid to hurt me even the slightest. Gentle—like what anyone’s impression of Jae is. Open-mouthed kisses with Jae are always good, not that invasive, but not too chaste as well. And even the way Jae touches me is different from Brian.

Like night and day, they are opposites. One bright and warm, the other dark and cold.

“You were ignoring me the whole day, and that’s what I’ll get when I see you?” his voice was dripping with venom.

Brian looped an arm on my waist and pressed me closer to him. “You’re mine, sugar.” He whispered. “Make me jealous again and we’re going to have another session here in the comfort room.”

I flushed bright red when I heard him call what just happened a _session._ My eyes stopped right on his lips. Those bright, moist lips. Wet from all the kissing we’ve done. _I want to kiss him again._ I bit my lip as I removed my arms from him. I gathered all my strength to stand properly, because his touches just made me weak, left with little to almost no strength.

He smirked when he noticed I was looking at his lips, and then snatched another kiss. “And what Brian Kang wants, Brian Kang gets.” he said in his low, husky voice.

I shoved him away from me and he chuckled, much to my annoyance. Immediately, I ran towards the mirror in the comfort room. Fuck. I look like a mess. How am I supposed to return to the office now?

I combed my hair with my hands and wiped the trail of saliva that remained on my chin. That fucking Brian, really! He’s really a dog!

Brian stood at the back, his back leaning on the wall with one leg resting at the wall too, and both arms folded. He continued observing me like I was some kind of research he was conducting. It made me uncomfortable. And then my eyes accidentally looked at his lips again. And… fuck!

“Go to hell.” I blurted out as I quickened my pace, striding towards the door of the freaking ladies’ comfort room.

Brian’s boisterous laughter roared within the four walls of the room. “Ah, I love you sugar!”

My cheeks flared into crimson at what he just said. “Fuck off!” then shut the door right into his face.

Heart pounding, extremities quivering, hair messy and mind dazed. That was what became of me, and it’s always the same whenever he’s around. Always rendering me breathless. Always driving me crazy.

_“What Brian Kang wants, Brian Kang gets.”_

Really, huh.


	5. Chapter 5

“O-Oh fuck… Jae—” I moaned his name as I felt my back hit the edge of his kitchen’s counter, and as I tilted my head to give him more access to my neck. The silver moon peeped from the nearby window, illuminating the dark room. Jae’s lips were smoking hot, I could actually burn from the heat he exudes. Then he started nipping on my skin, just below my ear. “Feeling good, baby?” he whispered.

Another moan escaped from my mouth when Jae’s hands made their way to my spine, his fingers ran up and down, coaxing shivers out of me. I arched my back as he continued to trail wet kisses on my neck, up to my jawline, and then bit my earlobe softly I lifted my hands to pull his hair out of ecstasy. Soon enough, he was carrying me and plopped me down the sink, levelling his face with mine.

“I love you,” he breathed over my lips as he took over them again. He chewed on my lower lip and I descended my hands from his hair towards his nape, down to his chest where they roamed. I pulled the lapels of his fern green button down shirt, whose first 3 buttons were already undone way before we arrived to his apartment. I parted my lips and let his tongue get into action once again.

My vision was blurry and my mind was still in haze from all the liquor I drank earlier at the party at the university, but I knew that this moment I was sharing with him was what I want. All the longing for his touch has morphed into lust traversing all over the nerves in my body. And honestly, I wanted to let them loose tonight.

He pulled away and I tugged him closer, attempting to start another fiery kiss when he chuckled. “Easy, love. I need something strong for me not to lose my mind tonight.” Jae leaned over and reached for a bottle of booze that must have been situated there for who knows how long, and a glass just next to it. I watched impatiently as he poured the liquor to the glass—filling it almost full, and as he downed it in one go. As soon as he finished the liquor, I pulled him again for another kiss, tasting the bitter drink from his hot cavern. He laughed in between them and whispered amidst all the smooches. “Why so impatient, baby? We have all the time in the world tonight.”

“I missed you… oh!” his lips went down to my collarbones and sucked my sensitive skin there. I shut my eyes close as I savoured the sensation. I let out a moan as I buried his face while he continued to leave marks on me. I started to squirm due to all the overwhelming feelings he was giving me, so Jae had to hold my waist firmly to keep me still.

 _“You’re mine, sugar.”_ my eyes fluttered open at the memory of _his voice_ and suddenly his face appeared in my mind.

Immediately, I propped my hand under Jae’s chin and pulled him, which gave him the signal to give back his attention to my lips. I kissed him hard, and slow, desperately wanting to erase that particular face from my brain while I’m with my boyfriend.

“Relax. I’m yours.” he whispered. His eyes shining with the moonlight across him. Jae’s magical hands moved from my waist to my chest, softly cupping my breast as his thumbs found their way to my nipples. I flinched at his touch, only to get my mind clouded again as he continued to kiss me as he advanced further—I could feel his weight on me.

 _“What Brian Kang wants, Brian Kang gets.”_ I closed my eyes forcefully as I bit Jae’s lip accidentally. He gasped, startled by my sudden aggressiveness.

I was never like this. All our intense escapades have always been hot but gentle and slow. I was never this impatient. But I was getting desperate in making him vanish from my head.

I looked at his eyes, then to his red swollen lips. “Let’s go to your bedroom.”

Jae paused as he observed me. “Are you sure?” I looked away, but could still feel his piercing gaze.

His fingers gently traced my jawline, up to the apple of my left cheek, brushing it softly, ever full of care. I gazed back at him. “I love you so much, Jae.”

Jae smiled at my sudden declaration of love for him. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. I said I love you.”

He chuckled lowly. “I love you more. You know that.”

“Then let’s go.”

Jae held both of my hips as he carried me again. I held him close, arms around his nape, legs wrapped around his waist, not wanting to be apart from him even for a second.

My heart was racing like crazy. A part of me was screaming that I have to stop whatever’s going to happen. I’ve never gone _that_ far with Jae, or with anyone. I’ve always wanted my first to be the person I would share my whole life with. But if this is the only way for me to get _him_ out of my system, then I’ll take it. After all, it’s Jae. If it’s Jae, it’ll be worth it.

We both laughed when he almost stumbled at the stairs, struggling to keep up with the kiss as he carried me to his bedroom upstairs.

My forehead puckered when I remembered what happened just earlier at the party. I don’t want to get involved with him again. Not only because of the far point that I will only lose myself once I choose him over Jae, but because I belong to Jae. And it should remain that way.

 

_The university grounds was filled with the musky scent of sweat and beer. Smoke tottered from the tips of glowing cigarettes and shaky exhales, almost sickeningly thick. The flashing lights from the stage at the far front were blinding, blending in with the blaring sound of drums and guitars. They were performing in front of the sea of people from our university._

_Sungjin cleared his throat. “Uh, so, we’ll be performing this new song. We hope you’ll like it.”_

_“Alright, snap your fingers real good!” Jae shouted as he started strumming his guitar._

_I watched from the side with a hazy smile as I watched Jae perform with his heart on his sleeves. He looked really happy performing like this, if only he wasn’t born in a family of lawyers. If only he was allowed to be free just like this._

**_When in the midst of many people_ **

**_I notice you_ **

**_You know oh you know_ **

**_I get excited immediately_ **

**_Ooh_ **

**_There’s no way I could lose you_ **

**_No oh oh oh oh_ **

**_Come on_ **

_I giggled at how ecstatic Jae looked, but then my attention was pried away by the guy beside him who was wearing this weird bandana on his head. My eyes trailed the way Brian’s fingers moved quickly up and down the neck of his bass guitar, while his other hand was busy plucking the strings. He spotted me in the crowd and smirked, making me flustered, before he started his part._

**_When I come close to you_ **

**_If I see a shy smile_ **

**_You know uh uh uh you know_ **

**_You’ll be mine_ **

**_Ooh_ **

**_Girl I can make you feel alive oh yeah_ **

_Then he winked, which sent shivers to my spine, and made my heart skip a beat, much to my annoyance. I don’t like this jittery feeling I get whenever he’s around. Plus, why was he looking at me while they’re singing this weird song?!_

_I looked back at Jae as Sungjin and Wonpil sang **“Baby girl, ooh ahh ooh ahh, I hunt you. Ooh ahh ooh ooh, I will hunt you. Sweet girl oh sweet girl oh baby, be my girl be my girl my baby”**_

_Jae mustn’t have spotted me yet since he hasn’t looked my direction since they began performing. My eyes strayed again towards Brian, and I almost had a heart attack when he pulled his bandana down to cover his eyes then started rapping… Oh my fucking gosh._

**_Sorry, but just by standing in front of you I turn into a dog_ **

**_Right before I snatch you, I glare like a hawk_ **

**_I drool like an animal watching its prey_ **

**_I didn’t think of sending you home, on purpose_ **

**_Wow, let’s take a breather here_ **

**_It’s hot, let’s take the jacket off_ **

**_Missed the bus already_ **

**_This is crazy_ **

**_I’m having a vision, oh my Jesus_ **

**_Yes good morning_ **

**_So sexy even with dishevelled hair, so_ **

_Damn. He eventually fixed his bandana but his gaze remained fixated on me. I was feeling both uncomfortable and excited. And I don’t even know what I was getting excited for. Damn, was this what they call the Young K effect?_

_And just what exactly on earth was he thinking when he wrote those fucking lyrics? The women were continuously screaming with their ear-splitting voices. And like the usual, brassieres started flying towards the stage, especially to Brian’s direction. He smirked again, but now with his eyes closed, earning another roar from the crowd._

_After the performance, I met with them at one booth which served drinks (particularly beer and soju) and food (finger food, those found in the streets). Jae instantly ran and wreathed me into a hug the moment he saw me. “Hey, I didn’t see you earlier. Did you watch?”_

_I put down my bottle of beer, which was my third already, by the way, before beaming him a smile. “I was. And you guys did great! Especially you, love!”_

_Jae grinned as he snatched a kiss. “Good. Did I make you proud?”_

_“You always do.” I responded. “And you look good, by the way.”_

_I looked over his shoulders, unconsciously searched for that particular guy who was wearing that weird bandana and a denim shirt. And when I eyed a group of girls flocking around the booth not too far away, I knew. As per usual, he’s with his pool of girls._

_I saw Brian talking with a certain girl and exchanged smiles with her while his arm snaked on her waist. Suddenly, an unfamiliar pang rose in my chest. I bit my lip as I try to pry my attention from them. I looked at Jae and saw him chugging the beer I was drinking just a few minutes ago._

_I looked back at Brian and saw him approaching towards us, but with Sungjin and Dowoon, and two other girls who were linking their arms on Brian. Wonpil lagged behind, running as he tried to keep up to their pace._

_I turned my back on them and just decided to look at Jae. Jae was eating fries and I went to him to eat with him. But just before I could take one, another hand swatted mine and took the fries from Jae. “Bro, can I have this?”_

_Brian fucking Kang and his audacity to come near me with two girls clinging onto him? Didn’t he tell me the other day that he loves me and that I shouldn’t be making me jealous or else…_

_I blushed at the thought. But no, what the hell does he think he’s doing with me? He’s obviously just toying with me, I should have known. I mean, I knew, but why the hell did I let him do those things to me?_

_“Jaemi, do you want some?” he even had the audacity to talk to me!_

_“Obviously, but didn’t you take the fries just before I could get one?” I rolled my eyes._

_He laughed. “Here, you can take it.” He offered me the fries he took from Jae._

_Then I looked at him. “No, thanks. Just give that to your schedule for today.” I eyed the two girls beside him, who raised their brows at me at what I said._

_One of them looked like she was so ready to hit me, I was scared. “What the fuck did you—”_

_Brian immediately stopped her. “Don’t touch her.”_

_I rolled my eyes and pulled Jae from his seat. “Love, I want to go home.”_ I knew that Brian was watching us, but I don't care.

_Jae’s forehead creased. “This early?” I didn’t answer, and he knew that my mood was getting sour at my lack of response. He sighed. “Okay, let’s go love.”_

_But before we left, I took another bottle of beer at the table and chugged it in one go. I thought I was gonna die! But I didn’t so I just pulled Jae and left everyone at the booth. Like I care._

_Jae opened the door of his car and let me enter. I watched as he walked towards the other side and entered too. As soon as Jae started driving, the memories of the party started rushing in._

_My head hurt a little and I felt dizzy. Must be because I drank fours bottles of beer. Normally, I could drink more, but right now I think the alcohol’s kicking in too fast. My body felt so hot as I watched Jae drive. Then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and moved towards him and began nuzzling his neck with delicate kisses._

_I giggled in satisfaction when I earned a groan from him. Then I placed one of my legs on top of one of his to inch closer. “I don’t want to go home.”_

_His brows furrowed. “Didn’t you say you want to go home already?”_

_“Yeah, but I didn’t mean my home.” I kissed his lips. “I meant yours.”_

_Jae groaned again, this time, louder. “Fuck, love. Please behave. I need to drive.”_

_I pouted. Fuck, am I drunk? With only four bottles of beer? Where did all of this courage come from? “Baby, can’t you drive faster?”_

_Jae briefly closed his eyes firmly before letting out a deep sigh. “Go back to your seat before I tie you up for not behaving.”_

The door to his bedroom opened with a vehement force, causing a few of the things hanging behind his door to fall. As soon as we entered, he put me down and he struggled to walk backwards as I continued attacking his lips. _Please make me forget about him._

I held the lapels of his shirt as I unbutton it completely. As soon as I did, he took it off and I snatched it from him and tossed it away. I looked at Jae. His thin frame was never ugly. He might not have a muscular body like every other girl fantasizes, but he is attractive in his own way.

Jae’s hands travelled up to my nape, tugging the string of my backless top, letting it fall as it revealed my chest. Jae smiled. “Beautiful.”

I blushed at his comment. Then the back of my knee bumped to the corner of his bed. Jae carried me again and situated me on his bed, while he was on top of me. His swollen lips trailed butterfly kisses on my shoulder blades, as one of his hands roamed on my back, unclasping my bra. I gasped when his mouth went down to the mounds on my chest.

 _Fuck._ I almost cursed out loud. Instead, I let out a moan.

Am I really sure about this?

We’ve been together for three years, and yet the farthest we’ve gone was him, cupping my breasts as we made out. He’s never even seem them, only now. It was never like this, I’ve never had someone kiss me there. And honestly, it’s scaring me.

I really want to give my first to the person I am sure of. But am I sure about Jae?

What about Brian?

 _Fuck._ I almost cursed again. Why am I thinking about him while I’m here, almost begging Jae to fuck me?

 _Please make me forget about him…_ I know that what I’ve been doing behind Jae’s back is wrong in every sense. But am I ready to do this just to compensate for my sins?

I arched my back as Jae sucked softly on one of my nipples, while his hand massaged the other. I shuddered and I knew I was craving for more. “Oh Jae—” I moaned his name for the nth time.

His lips pressed soft and slow kisses on my torso, slowly going south. My hands balled into fists on the sheets as he continued, every swirl of his tongue driving me insane. I cried out his name repeatedly.

But then his hand tugged on the waistband of my shorts. I flinched and abruptly held his hand, causing him to stop. “J-Jae, no…”

Jae looked up at me. “What’s wrong, baby?”

I was trembling. Why did I make him stop?

I couldn’t utter a response. I looked away. I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of him disappointed and annoyed at my sudden withdrawal. I was the one who initiated this, yet I was the same one who made it stop just before we got into the real action.

I didn’t even realize that I was already crying, until Jae’s face was in front of me. He kissed my temple and draped his blanket over my body. “It’s okay. I understand. You’re still not ready for this, aren’t you? Then why did you do that?”

I ducked my head, afraid to see the disappointment in his face. “I’m sorry, Jae.”

Jae chuckled as he lied down beside me on his king-sized bed. He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears and made me look at him. “Love, listen. I understand. I was kidding.” Then I cried harder.

What exactly did I do in my past life for me to be blessed with someone like Jae in this lifetime?

I don’t deserve him.

Jae stood up and went to his bathroom. Soon, he came back with a clean gray shirt, and he was already dressed too. He was wearing a university shirt. He smiled at me as he sat on the bed. “Wear this so you won’t get cold.”

I hesitantly took it from him and wore it afterwards. Jae made me lie on the bed as he lied beside me, while facing me. He looped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer, then placed another soft kiss on the tip of my nose. “You look so ugly when you cry.”

I pouted again which earned a laugh from him. “Just kidding. You’re beautiful. Just like always.”

He snuggled closer and buried my face on his chest. “Don’t think about it anymore, okay? I understand.” he planted a kiss on the top of my head. “I love you. Sleep now, booboo.”

I couldn’t sleep a wink that night. My heart felt so heavy. Jae has always been like this to me. Yes, he’s that annoying boyfriend people would talk about. But he’s also that caring boyfriend who always puts me first, above anything else. He always considers my feelings first before making decisions. And he’s too good… sometimes, I wonder if this is real. It’s too good to be true. He’s too good to be true.

And since it felt surreal, I was looking for a flaw out of it.

Guilt started to creep into my system. Because I knew in my heart that I stopped him, not because I wasn’t ready, but because I kept on remembering _him_ while I was doing it with Jae. And I don’t want our first time to happen, at a time when I know my heart is confused. Even if I’m perfectly aware that I shouldn’t even be confused in the first place. It's unfair for Jae.

I am filling this relationship with lies. And it hurts to see him like this while I know that I’ve been lying to him all this time.

The moon continued to glow from the window of his room across his face. My heart sank at the sight of Jae peacefully sleeping. I lifted my hand and traced his nose to his eyes, to his eyebrows. His eyes fluttered open, he looked at me as if asking, _Why?_ I shook my head because I didn’t have the heart to tell him anything. My heart hurts so much. How could I do that to him? To him, who I love? And to him, who has loved me ever so dearly?

The next day, I woke up to Jae looking at me lovingly, with his arm as my pillow. “Good morning, beautiful.”

I smiled at him. The morning started good, my heart didn’t feel as heavy as last night. But the catharsis lasted for only a good hour. As I checked my phone, I saw a hundred unread messages. 78 were from _him_.

I didn’t bother reading them anymore and just immediately deleted the thread. But after I did, another one came.

_B.K.:_

_I love you, Jaemi. I love you so fucking much I feel like dying right now._

I closed my eyes firmly as I took a deep breath. “What do you want for breakfast, love?” I heard Jae ask from the dining area.

“Whatever you want, love.” I answered.

I sighed, and then I turned my phone off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae (I've never used this, but just in case you want to talk to me, feel free to do so hehe)

****I found Jae drinking water while standing comically beside his kitchen counter, the same counter he plopped me onto last night. I blushed just by remembering the steamy kisses and touches we shared. Damn, my eyes darted on his hand that was holding the glass of water, the same hand that squeezed my—

“Hey ugly, what do you want for breakfast?”

K, annoying Jae is back. Way to ruin the mood. I rolled my eyes at him as I sat on the chair across him. “I don’t know. Anything will do.”

He raised his brow and smirked. “How does a _Jae_ sound like? Do you want to eat that for breakfast?”

I grimaced at his remark. “No thanks, it doesn’t sound appetizing at all.”

Jae glared at me and set the glass down the table as he sat on the chair in front of me. “How would you know? You didn’t even try it last night.”

I could feel all my blood ascending into my face, flushing into a deep shade of red. “Can you shut up, Jae?! I want real food!”

Jae guffawed, his boisterous laughter resonating across the whole dining area. I couldn’t even look at him even if I knew that he was only kidding. I still feel guilty about last night. I am aware of the disappointment I have given him, he doesn’t even have to tell me. I understand, like, I was the one who initiated the whole thing, but in the end, I was also the one who made him stop. What man would let you go off unscathed after doing that to him? Only a real gentleman would do. Only Jae.

I fell silent and suddenly, Jae’s expression changed. He sighed as he reached for my hand. “Is it still bothering you?”

I bit my lip as I looked away. Gently, he squeezed my hand, and I could feel hot tears forming again in my eyes. “Love, look at me.”

Hesitantly, I did as I was told. I gazed at Jae who was looking intently at me—with eyes that are screaming worry, fear, and sadness. He beamed me a soft smile. “I told you not to think about it anymore, right? That it was okay, and I understand you?”

I nodded. He nodded back at me and continued, “I don’t want us to drift apart just because of what happened. For the last time, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, baby. I can always wait.” He squeezed my hand again. He remained looking at me for a while before I could actually articulate words like how a normal person would do.

Shaking my head, I removed his hold to wipe my tears that have betrayed me and fell. “No, I… What was I even thinking? I shouldn’t have done that in the first place—”

“Don’t say that. I love everything that happened between us last night.” Jae let out a deep breath and stood up, then marched steps towards me, without breaking our eye contact. “Because I love you.” He declared. “And I want to ask you something.” and then got down on one knee, making my jaw drop. My hands started to tremble as I watched Jae looking up at me while smiling.

“Can I tie your shoe?”

Instantly, I took the pot holder that was weirdly situated on the dining table and threw it at him. “BITCH I’M BAREFOOT.”

He laughed boisterously, almost ear-splittingly annoying. I tried kicking him because really, who wouldn’t get annoyed by that?! And was I actually expecting something from this stupid guy right here?! I should have known! My goodness.

Jae was avoiding every kick I was giving him while still cackling, like he just made the funniest joke in the whole world. “Aryt aryt I’m sorry! Haha!” he caught my foot and chuckled while he pretended to tie an invisible shoelace. “There, there. All done. Now we can go out and eat.”

I pinched the side of his waist, making him wince in pain and stand properly. He sat beside me right after and tried to calm himself. “Sorry, baby. I’m just trying to lighten up the mood. Everything’s so gloomy since last night.”

I pouted and hit his arm gently. “Don’t do that again!”

“Let’s go out and eat, booboo. I’m hungry!” he whined.

“Go buy food yourself! You’re so annoying!”

Jae pouted, something that happens only once in a blue moon. He inched closer to me and wreathed me into a hug, nuzzling my neck. “Hmm… Why don’t you accompany me, baby?”

“And clingy.” I added as I gently stroke his hair. “I don’t want to go out, baby.”

Butterfly kisses started to trail on my left shoulder. His hug also went tighter. I smiled at his actions. He’s not always like this, though. That’s why I really love our small moments such as this one. “Then I’m not going out too.”

My eyebrows creased. I slowly stood up while his weight was on me and it was really difficult. Jae just won’t budge, he just buried his face on the crook of my neck more. He hummed, which was _very_ ticklish, by the way, making me flinch. I successfully stood on my feet but he was still nuzzling me. “Baby, can you let go for a while? I want to sit on the couch.”

Suddenly, I was off the ground. I just found myself carried by Jae on his back like a sack of rice. “Jae! Put me down!”

He ignored me and just continued trudging towards the living room, plopped me down the couch and then sat beside me only to bury his face again on my neck. I sighed. “Jae, why are you so cheesy these days.”

He pecked soft kisses on my skin and answered in between them. “You act as if you don’t like me being like this.”

He gently pushed me, causing me to fall on my back, with him straddling me. Good thing the couch was huge, otherwise we wouldn’t fit. Jae’s eyes stared right into me. Slowly, he shifted closer, and soon enough I felt his lips on top of mine.

“I,” one soft kiss. “Love,” another peck on followed. Then he fixated his gaze on me and uttered the last magic word “You.” before advancing to start a slow and torrid kiss. He bit my lower lip gently, causing me to moan as his hand travelled around my body. His tongue entered my cavern like an invited guest, greeting my tongue with that graceful swirl, eventually fighting for dominance in the kiss.

Memories of last night came rushing in, making me push him away.

I visualized _him_ again.

Jae was startled by my action and looked at me, disoriented. “I-I’m… I’m sorry. Did I scare you again?”

I couldn’t respond. I was looking at him, but I could see… _Brian._

Jae started to worry at my lack of response. He got up and knelt in front of me, levelling his face with mine while I remained lying on the couch, then brushed my cheeks affectionately. “Baby, I’m sorry… I just thought… we could at least, uh, m-make out? Like the usual—”

I hugged him, and this time, I buried my face on the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized.

His hand caressed my head slowly. “What are you apologizing for? I should be the one ap—”

“I’m sorry, Jae.” Hot drops of liquid began cascading down my face, wetting his neck.

_I’m sorry, because I can’t tell you about him._

“Ssshh…” he hushed me. “Why is this happening again? Stop apologizing. Damn, you’re making me feel worse. Don’t cry, love.”

“I’m really sorry…” I couldn’t stop myself from bawling my eyes out. My heart hurts so much. I don’t want to hurt him.

_I’m sorry, because I was thinking of him while you were kissing me._

Jae’s arms were never muscular, and no one would think of them as a strong pair of arms, but even so, they are where I feel secure the most. Whenever I am wreathed into his embrace, I feel like I am protected. That when I am with him, everything is perfect. Everything is right. Everything is in place. It was the kind of familiarity that I knew I could find in him. But that familiarity… is starting to die down.

And I hate myself for this. How could I think about another man while drowning in that familiarity we have? Am I even still familiar with the bond that only the two of us shared?

Because if I am, then fuck, screw everything. I don’t want to let Jae go just because I am befuddled by this strange emotion Brian has been making me feel for the past months. Brian is the devil, and it’s never right to give in to the devil’s temptations. As they all say, the mind is the devil’s playground. Perhaps, that is why he is always clouding up my mind.

The whole day was spent with me, hugging Jae as we sat on his couch—a blanket draped on my legs, and as he stroked my hair while we binge-watched our favorite drama. I couldn’t even comprehend half of what was happening in the drama, I was busy listening to his heartbeat. Or I don’t know, was it mine? Because my heart was beating like crazy inside my chest. I know, I love Jae. I love him so much that I don’t even want to let go of him as we watched this drama on tv. But then I thought about _him_ and asked myself…

Do I really love him? Or is this just guilt that is left in my heart?

One that cannot be easily vanquished by anything that could save my conscience?

Jae shifted on his seat as he reached for his vibrating phone from the table. It was already evening. I looked up at him and saw his forehead crease. “What’s wrong?”

His expression changed back to soft right away when he turned to me. “Nothing, it’s just my mom.”

This time, it was my forehead that wrinkled. “Go answer the call.”

“But—”

“Pick it up, Jae.”

I watched as he got up and stood beside the door where he picked up the call, which confused me a little. He could have just answered it here with me, you know? I mean, it’s just his mom. But then again, there are always private matters that I shouldn’t stick my nose to.

He looked like he was getting irritated with how their conversation was going, his chest started heaving deep sighs as he continued to argue with his mom. Soon, he ended the call and went back to me, still vexed.

Jae firmly closed his eyes and took deep breaths to placate himself. On instinct, I immediately embraced him and looked at him—he grew pale. My heart sank at the sight of him troubled.

“What happened?” I queried.

Jae turned to me and shook his head, then he hugged me back. “Nothing.”

I knew that it wasn’t _nothing,_ but I decided not to pry more information from him. If he wanted to share, he would. I could feel the heaviness in his heart with the way he was holding me.

“I love you…” he whispered.

So his streak of cheesiness hasn’t ended yet, I guess. I smiled, albeit he couldn’t see it. “Why are you being so cheesy these days, Mr. Park? Really. You’ve been so mushy, like, mushier than your normal mushiness?”

He shook his head as he kissed the top of my head. “No, I just love you so much.”

When he calmed down, we continued cuddling under the blanket. We stayed like that in comfortable silence. His phone started vibrating again but he chose to ignore it, and with what happened earlier, I chose not to meddle anymore with his other affairs. He turned to me and blurted out a query that has taken me aback. “Where’s your phone?”

My heart started beating like crazy. I remembered the tons of messages Brian sent me the other night. I swallowed an invisible lump on my throat as I shrugged. “I-It’s upstairs.”

“Can I borrow it?” he asked again. “I just need Brian’s number, I accidentally deleted all of my contacts last night and I need him to do something for me.”

My breath hitched at the mention of his name. “I-I know his number, we don’t need to take my phone.”

He gawked at me, baffled. “Huh? Why do you know his number?”

I could feel my heart trying to free itself from my chest with how loud and vehement it was beating. “Wonpil… Wonpil! H-He was memorizing Brian’s number the other day by saying it loudly and r-repeatedly at the office, I accidentally memorized it too because of him.” I chuckled nervously, silently praying he wouldn’t notice how guilty I was.

Luckily, he seemed to buy my excuse. I secretly let out a sigh of relief. I proceeded to telling him Brian’s number, which I actually memorized because it was only last month since I saved his number on my phone. So I repeatedly read his phone number on my inbox during the past months and eventually just came to memorize it.

Jae went on to texting Brian and I used that time to think about how I could avert the topic, but before I could do so, Jae started speaking again. And it was about _him_ again.

“You know what, that homie’s really dependable, huh.” he resumed.

Dependable, what? What part of that manwhore is dependable?

He chortled at my annoyed expression. “You really don’t like him, booboo? He’s nice, you just have to give him a chance and know him more as a person.”

Please, Jae. Don’t say that. You wouldn’t want to say that, especially to me.

“No, it’s not like that Jae… It’s just…” I stared at the blanket wrapped around us. “I don’t know. Why are you even trying to make friends out of us?”

Jae pulled me closer to him. “I just remembered that one time when he literally stood up against his own pool of girls, well, I mean, they were _my_ pool of girls that time—” I glared at him, to which he laughed at. “—I mean, they addressed themselves as my fans! You can’t help it, your boyfriend’s phenomenal.”

I pinched the side of his waist again and he just laughed at me. I pouted at him. “It was your fault. You were always missing in action. That’s why your fans started to actually gang up on me after sending me death threats everyday in my locker.”

Jae pouted too, imitating me, just like what he does whenever I’m sulking. “I didn’t really expect that from Brian, though. I mean, he was the person who was, a lady-pleaser. I never really saw him do anything that would seem as if he’s choosing a girl over another. Brian loves women in general. I mean, you can see that when you look at him. It’s like it’s tattooed on his forehead. That he was born to please girls, and to be worshipped by them in return. Ya feel?”

I rolled my eyes at how he ended his story. His Californian is coming out again. I scoffed. “I didn’t need his help, I could have defended myself if he wasn’t so full of himself, acting like some sort of knight in shining uniform.”

Uniform, because he was wearing his PE uniform that time. _It was some time last year, I just finished helping out in preparing the stuff needed for the party that would be held in our university. I passed by their gym because the route was shorter when taken if I’m going back to our building from the covered court. But then a group of fugly girls blocked me and started to spit nonsensical things like, I stole their oppa from them? And that I was ugly and I don’t deserve their oppa?_

_At first, I couldn’t understand what they were going on about. But then they finally mentioned Jae’s name, so I laughed at them. Because first of all, Jae is my boyfriend. I’m stealing him from no one. Secondly, I didn’t know Jae was the type of “oppa” that girls would actually fight for, like, literally?_

_But then I was wrong, because one of the girls started pulling my hair. Another went to me and slapped me. I was dumbfounded, I couldn’t even stop them because I wasn’t expecting a physical attack at that time of day. I thought they were one of those girls who were all just bark and no bite._

_“You bitch! How dare you steal Jae oppa from us!” I closed my eyes while anticipating another slap to land on my cheek, but nothing came. Instead, I felt the grip on my hair loosen. I fluttered my eyes open, and saw a familiar—but not so familiar—back of a guy. And this guy was holding up the girl’s hand, while… glaring at her?_

_“B-Brian!” another girl exclaimed._

_Brian? Brian the manwhore Kang?_

_The grip on my hair has been totally removed, I didn’t even realize it. The girls all crossed their arms and faced him. “Are you taking her side, Brian?”_

_Brian stood beside me and smirked. “Who says I am?”_

_“Then why did you stop us? He stole Jae oppa from us!” the ugly girl with blue ribbon on her hair argued._

_Bitch, we’ve been together for 2 years already. Come on._

_Brian sighed as he threw them a bored expression. “Are you really doing this, because Jae has a girlfriend?” he laughed. “Man, I thought you girls were mine?”_

_“Oh my gosh, are we finally getting scheduled?!”_

_The fuck? Schedule?_

_He darted his gaze on me, one that was perilous in every way. “Yeah. So don’t bother her again, okay?”_

_They all celebrated in glee but I remained silent, eye contact with “THE” Brian Kang still not breaking._

_He then mouthed. “You can leave now.” My brows furrowed. What the hell just happened? I wasn’t moving so he pulled one girl and started kissing her right in front of me, tongue to tongue, saliva dripping like dogs._

_WHAT. THE. FUCK._

_I turned my back and grimaced at what I just witnessed. This manwhore, really! He is beyond gross!_

_I ran away. Just the mere thought of being in the same area with them disgusts me!_

 

I sighed at the memory. It was plain disgusting, but I was actually thankful to him, nevertheless. It was during the time when Jae was always not around. He was so busy that it came to a point where I thought we were actually losing intimacy. That we were falling out of love. And Brian was always there, even if his presence just annoyed me. He was always there that I got to memorize the faces of his schedule of girls during those months, even if it was against my will. Brian would always accompany me, saying that Jae’s fans might attack me again—of which the first time, Jae has found out and was actually the reason why Brian kept on bugging me. He was Jae’s best friend—his most trusted friend—and I was one of the things he entrusted him with.

Which I hope he never did.

“He took them as his girls, didn’t he? That was how they stopped bothering you?” Jae wanted to confirm, to which I nodded to.

“Yeah.” I responded softly.

“Ah, of course, that guy. Mr. Steal-Your-Fans.” Jae rolled his eyes and laughed after.

If you only knew, Jae. He’s stealing more than just your fans.

With a heart full of guilt, I snuggled closer to him. I don’t want to do anything that would involve being with that guy again. Not when my heart sinks painfully whenever I see Jae lovingly looking at me like this, clueless of all the things I have done to him, behind his back.

“Jae, I love you so much…” I whispered as a stray tear fell from my eye.

He just hummed and nuzzled my cheek with his nose. “I know, booboo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae (I've never used this, but just in case you want to talk to me, feel free to do so hehe)
> 
> I'd love to talk to you, guys. Pls talk to me haha


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long update because I got carried away. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ  
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

The pleasant tinkling of the wind chimes welcomed me as I pushed the door of my favorite café open. I smiled as the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted across the four walls of the area. It’s Friday, which means I have no classes, which also means I will be spending the whole afternoon here while studying.

No, actually, I’m just here to spend time alone since Jae’s not available today.

It’s been a whole month—which I’ve spent with Jae alone. The sleepovers in his apartment also happened very often, and today’s one of those days that I’ll be sleeping over in his place. I still miss him a lot, though. I always try to squeeze myself in his packed schedules. It’s okay, I’m always ready to compromise. I understand that he’s busy. He’s always been busy, anyway.

The line’s not that long, only 2 guys were in front of me. I pretended to look at the menu even if I already know what I will be ordering. The usual iced vanilla latte.

“I’ll have an Americano,” the guy wearing a black hoodie told the cashier. But then the other guy wearing a white button-down shirt with sleeves rolled until his elbow nudged him with his elbow. I guess they’re friends?

“I was the first one in line why are you telling her your order first?” he whined.

The first guy raised a brow. “We can just order together, Jinyoung.”

“Move, Mark.” the Jinyoung guy pushed the guy named Mark and advanced to the cashier. “I’ll have an Americano.”

Mark clicked his tongue. “We have the same order, what are you being so petty for?”

Jinyoung just rolled his eyes. He looked over his shoulder and we made an eye contact, to which I immediately broke. Damn! He caught me eavesdropping to their conversation! I mean, their conversation was pretty normal, but still, I know that what I did was rude.

I bit my lip as I looked away. I heard him snort. “Don’t worry about it, it’s okay.”

Was he talking to me? I didn’t look at him as I felt my cheeks flush in heat because of embarrassment. I fiddled with my small pouch and pretended to look around, as if this was my first time in this café.

“Never mind, she can go first.” I heard him say again, making me turn to him.

He beamed me a smile. “Now you’re looking at me.”

My forehead creased. What is wrong with this guy?

“You’re creeping her out, Nyeong.” the Mark dude commented as he elbowed Jinyoung.

Jinyoung waved his hands defensively, “Oh, I didn’t mean it that way. Were you crept out?”

Slowly, I shook my head, even if I was still confused.

“I’m Jinyoung, this one’s Mark.” he pointed to Mark, who smiled at me.

Yeah, I know. I was eavesdropping, remember?

Okay, to be fair, I wasn’t actually crept out, and instead I was… amused? Standing before me were two beautiful men. Well, not as beautiful as my Jae of course. Jinyoung beamed me another smile, and I noticed the dimple on his right cheek. I could feel the heat still not leaving my cheeks as I take in his features. What a beautiful, beautiful man.

“Uhh, excuse me, but can I now take your order, miss?” the cashier interfered, much to my gratitude.

I looked at Mark and he just shrugged while smiling. “Go ahead, we’re not in a hurry, anyway.”

“O-Okay.” I hesitantly walked past them and told the cashier my order. “One iced vanilla latte.”

“Two americanos, don’t forget.” Jinyoung added, which confused me. I thought they were letting me order first?

He noticed my confused expression and raised a brow. “It’s on me, pretty girl.”

I was flustered by the sudden compliment. Is this guy flirting with me? I looked at Mark and he was still wearing that I-don’t-give-a-shit face, still silent at the side. Alright, I guess it’s just my lucky day. “Oh, nice. Thanks, mister.”

His brows furrowed and then chuckled. “It’s Jinyoung, didn’t I tell you earlier?” yes you did, but who cares, I’m not interested in flirting with you. But of course I can’t say that, so I just nodded.

“Right. Jinyoung.” I reiterated.

He tilted his head and showed me another radiant smile. “And you are?”

But before I could even answer his question, I felt an arm snaking on my waist, pulling me closer to him. “She’s mine.”

My eyes widened as I looked up at the person holding me, and whose eyes were glaring at an intensity which tightened my chest in pain. His jaw clenched as he yanked me closer to him, as if when he lets go, someone will take me away. “B-Brian!”

He didn’t answer and just continued throwing daggers with his gaze to Jinyoung, who was taken aback by his sudden entrance.

Brian released his hold on my waist and clasped my arm instead, before he turned around and started dragging me out of the café.

“Brian, let me go! Where are you taking me?!” I protested as he continued walking while I lagged behind him, almost stumbling at his fast pace.

We arrived at the parking space at the building just across the café and we stopped before a familiar red Ferrari. He wordlessly opened the door of the passenger seat’s side before tilting his head, motioning an entrance. “Get in.”

I forcefully removed his grip and glared at him. “What is wrong with you?!”

His stern expression suddenly softened. “Please… just get in. I just want to talk.”

He looked away while still holding the door open. He remained standing like that for a while, before I sighed in defeat. I entered his car and I heard him sigh, before closing the door. He turned around and got in his car. I stared at the window and shifted on my seat when I felt him piercing me with his gaze from my peripheral vision.

A deafening silence followed. No one was blunting a topic. I was getting uncomfortable with the awkwardness we were drowning in so I took a deep breath before turning my head to him, which I hope I never did.

His eyes locked with mine—his beautiful brown orbs that painted nothing but longing and despondency. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat before looking away, my heart shattering at every visit of my gaze at him—a vision of a forlorn man whenever he is around me.

“I thought you want us to—”

“Are you done ignoring me?” he cut me off.

My chest congested at the degree of fire each word he spat holds. I bit my lower lip and stared at my trembling hands.

“It’s been over a month… I thought… I was going to die without receiving any word from you…”

God… his voice. I quivered at the extreme emotion his words harbour in my heart. I couldn’t utter a word. Slowly, his hand reached for mine.

“I missed you… and it hurts because I know that you didn’t miss me even a bit.”

My throat tightened in pain. I closed my eyes briefly before opening them and mustering my strength to look at him. “Just go and tell me what you want to say so I can leave already.”

His soft gaze never left me and I silently prayed that he would already say what he intended to tell me so I can finally go, because every second that passes by makes it harder for me to breathe. My heart is beating painfully fast inside my chest, like it wants to break free from its cage. Brian’s hand remained gently holding mine as he spoke, “Can you… spend this day with me?”

I was taken aback by his request. Is this real? He’s not ordering me to do something, and instead, he was asking me? To spend this day with him?

Again, my eyes locked with his that were staring at me softly. He looked so weak and defeated, the dark bags under his eyes were also prominent—something I’ve never seen on him before. This is Brian Kang we are talking about—always dressed to kill, always presentable, always fresh, always god-like. Never like this—he looked like he hasn’t been sleeping for days, or maybe weeks, who knows. He also looked pale, which raised concern in me.

I took a deep breath. It’s been over a month. I’ve been avoiding all possibilities that I might bump into him, especially at school. I also changed my phone number so he wouldn’t be able to reach me anymore. But why is he here today?

“How did you know I was here?” I queried.

He looked away. “I’ve always known that you come here during your free time.”

My brows furrowed, still confused. “But how did you know I’d be here today?”

“I didn’t. I just come everyday, taking chances of finding you here.” He sighed. “And today must be my lucky day?”

I took another deep breath, trying to calm myself. Brian, please… Stop speaking in such dejected voice.

I took a look at him, and felt something pinch my heart. He fell silent, and so did I. My gaze landed on his hand atop mine. There came the weird feeling again in my gut. Something that comprises of both fear and excitement, that comes with a pint of pain that gradually flows through my veins, then claws at my limbs. There came his dangerous stare that leaves my extremities feeble. There came the guilt again, but is immediately washed away by the vehement emotion he harbours in me.

Heaving a deep sigh, I tore my gaze away and broke from his hold. “Where are we heading to?”

I heard a soft gasp, which was probably from him. It took a few seconds before he started speaking again. “Did you change your number?” he asked instead of answering my question.

I shifted on my seat and focused on the people passing by outside his car. “So what if I did?”

“Why were you avoiding me?” he blurted another query.

I rolled my eyes, not caring if he sees it or not. “I don’t remember ever being obliged to stay connected with you.”

A few seconds of silence followed before he continued. “Did you read my text that night?”

I raised a brow at him. What night? That night he was with girls during the party at the university, after playing with me and telling me shit like I’m his, he loves me, and what Brian Kang wants Brian Kang gets? “When was that? And do you think I really read your texts?”

I remember deleting the whole thread of our conversation before I could even read one. But it wasn’t entirely true. It was only that time that I ignored his texts without actually reading them. My heart ached for blurting out lies.

“D-During… the party.” he muttered. He was stammering, something I didn’t expect of him. “One of the girls I was with asked me about you, she caught me staring at you the whole duration of our performance. I know that you don’t want anyone to know about me so… so I pretended to entertain them like how I used to be. But I left them right after you left with Jae and followed you, I wanted to make sure you’d be home safe. But…” he looked at the car’s window on his side. “But you went to his place.”

I was rendered speechless. He… followed us? He saw us enter Jae’s apartment? He must have also seen us struggling to enter the door because I wouldn’t let Jae go, I wouldn’t stop kissing him that night.

I couldn’t string the right words to utter as a response. We stayed wrapped in a deafening silence for a while before he started the engine of his car and drove away. I couldn’t even find it in me to question again where we were heading to, I was just letting him do as he pleased. Concrete pain continued to creep in my system as his words rang in my head.

The whole ride was long, I didn’t even notice that I was drifting to sleep, until I felt someone poking my cheek. Slowly, I opened my eyes, and I was welcomed by a Brian Kang, smiling brightly at me. I gasped loudly, startled by how close his face was to mine. By instinct, I pushed him away, making him chuckle. “We’re here, sugar.”

I looked at the window. “Where are we?”

Brian didn’t answer and instead, he went out of his car and opened my car door. I removed my seatbelt and stepped out. I looked at my wristwatch and saw that it was already 3 in the afternoon. I gazed around and then it dawned on me. “We’re at an amusement park?”

Brian was staring at the entrance like a kid, then he beamed at me with a radiant smile which made my heart skip a beat. “Let’s go!!!”

He reached for my hand and started running. We had to stop at the entrance for the tickets, though, which he paid for because I have no plans on spending money here. He just dragged me in this place! There were a lot of people around, and it’s only Friday. I can’t begin to imagine how crowded it gets during the weekends when kids have no classes.

We went inside a store first full of cute things like headbands with animal ears with plush. Brian took a leopard ears headband and took a pink bunny ears headband for me. He (cutely) wore it and then smiled at his reflection on the mirror, satisfied with how he looked. I had no choice but to wear the headband he handed me.

“You look cute.” He commented, then left to pay for them. I rolled my eyes. Brian went back right after paying and held my hand before dragging me again outside the store.

I looked at our intertwined hands as Brian looked around enthusiastically, then looked back at the flyer he was holding, which I deem was a map of the rides in the amusement park. I felt heat creep on my cheeks when he held my hand tighter before turning to me. “Let’s go ride the rollercoaster!”

“Already?!” I panicked, but he pretended not to hear me and just started pulling me as he ran to the direction of the rollercoaster.

Damn, have I said that I have fear of heights? I hate rollercoasters so much. Why would I pay to scare myself? But then again, he paid for this. How could I protest when he’s out there, exhilarated by the mere idea of riding a rollercoaster?

I’ve never seen him this thrilled, and somehow, the thought of me being able to see this side of him melted my heart.

The line for the rollercoaster was _unbelievably long_. But somehow, Brian made a way—we were suddenly part of the current batch of people who would be riding the rollercoaster. I asked him how and all he answered was, _“I’m Brian Kang, that’s why.”_ Like, the fuck?

“If I die here I swear Brian—”

I was trembling as I felt the rollercoaster start its engine. The secured lock has been set but I still feel uneasy. I’m honestly super scared right now. What if the lock loosens and I fall when the rollercoaster turns upside down? What if it stops at the highest point and then I fall? What if I fall? What if—

“WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!” Brian was raising his hands in the air, extremely excited for my upcoming death. My heart was pounding rapidly inside my chest. I closed my eyes as I clutched the handle before me tightly. But then I felt a warm hand on top of my hand.

I turned to Brian who was smiling beside me. “Are you scared?”

I glared at him. “Isn’t it obvious? How can I not be scared? This is stupid! Why am I even here?! What if I die now?!”

“Relax, you’re not going to die.” he laughed as he observed me still sitting stiff.

“How sure are you that I’m not dying today?! What if I do?! What if I fall—”

“I’ll catch you, then.” he smirked.

My brows furrowed. “What?! How can you catch me if you’re here? You’re going to fall too!”

He shrugged. “I already did. And nobody caught me. But I’m still alive?”

“Huh? What the hell are you talking about, Brian?” I couldn’t comprehend anything he was saying. He fell? Huh? How did he survive, then?

Brian rolled his eyes. “You can be dumb sometimes, huh.”

“What?!” I asked him again in annoyance, then the rollercoaster started moving slowly, making me flinch.

He laughed loudly as he shook his head. “Nothing!”

I was about to retort back when people started screaming their lungs out, which made me scream as well. We were seated at the middle. The ride has just started but I already feel like throwing up. I tried to keep my mind calm as we began to slowly rise up. We were reaching higher and higher and my fear just continued to intensify. I looked at Brian and he was looking at me, like he was actually anticipating I’ll be telling him something.

“Brian…” I softly called his name. He smiled at me and took my hand which was gripping the handle tightly. He gently squeezed it and gave me a reassuring smile.

“Don’t be scared. I’m here.” he told me.

I don’t know but somehow, the thought that he was with me here, was comforting. As we reached the peak, I shut my eyes close and started to scream as the ride went down the slope. Brian was screaming too, but his was a scream of delight while mine was a scream for my life. He never let go of my hand. He was holding it tightly, and it kind of helped, strangely.

“Ah! I love you, Jaemi!” he screamed along with the other people while looking at me, which I didn’t quite hear properly.

“What?!” I screamed back.

He just showed me a bright smile before yelling, “Nothing!”

I rolled my eyes before closing them again as the rollercoaster started to go down once more. I accidentally pulled his hand close to me and held it tighter, blame it on my intense fear of heights. The ride slowed down, and I took it as a cue to open my eyes and start calming my nerves down. I was expecting to see Brian smiling from ear to ear, but what I witnessed was Brian biting his lower lip, looking far away, while his free arm struggled to cover his face—which was comical because he was acting that way while wearing that leopard ears headband. It was my first time seeing Brian acting sheepishly so I found it amusing.

But then I stared down and saw his hand that I held close to my chest, and then I abruptly let it go. I felt all my blood gush up to my head, and I must have flared into a deep shade of red. I turned to the opposite side too.

The rollercoaster went to a stop. I shifted on my seat uneasily as we took deep breaths simultaneously. Brian cleared his throat before saying, “U-Uh, so… where should we go next?”

The next hours were spent in Brian dragging me to the rides he wanted to try right after asking me where I want to go next, but before I could even answer. We went to ride 6 more, including that one where we ventured in the rapids. The upper part of my blouse and jacket got drenched and we had to stop first and eat to dry ourselves since his black denim jacket also got wet. He took it off and was now just wearing a plain red shirt.

I didn’t even realize that it was already evening, until Brian pointed the moonlight parade that was famous in this place. Brian stood beside me as we silently watched, and as people crowded before us. Everyone was enthralled to see the night parade. My heart was pounding loudly inside my chest when the fireworks display started.

“Let’s go.” Brian whispered, before pulling me, taking me away from the people. We continued treading until we arrived at the rose garden.

My mouth opened in awe; it was majestically beautiful. The entire view of roses full of lights. The whole perimeter was filled with dancing lights, a breath-taking sight of a grandiloquent European glory. I beamed at the spangling roses around me, as the moonlight glowed above us. It was enchanting.

But that was when realizations started dawning on me.

I gazed at Brian who was smiling gently while taking in the view in front of us. As if on slow motion, like how they would show in movies, he turned to me. He inched closer and closed the gap between us with a soft kiss, under the beautiful night sky bleeding with aureate fireworks.

My heart ached as I watched him pull away, but my mind was screaming something else.

“Brian…” I called him.

He looked at me, his smile still not disappearing. I met his gaze and tried my best to put up a brave façade.

“Why did you bring me here, exactly?”

He looked away. The cold breeze of wintertide billowed, making me shiver. Brian took a deep breath before looking back at me. “Do you want to ride the ferris wheel?”

This time, he didn’t drag me away. He waited for my response. Heaving a sigh, I nodded in defeat. He reached out his hand, as if asking if he could hold my hand, in contrast to what he’s been doing the whole afternoon to me.

“What if someone saw us today?” I asked him, still not reaching for his hand.

“We can always say that I took you here because you’re my best friend’s girlfriend, right?” he replied. “And that it’s nothing to worry about, because… I’m just nothing… right?”

I felt my heart shatter inside me with every word he uttered. I bit my lip to calm myself. His hand was still there, waiting for me to take it.

And I did. I reached for Brian’s hand, which surprised him. He did not say anything, though. We remained silent as we walked to the ferris wheel. Wordlessly, we entered the cable-car-like ferris wheel.

I was expecting him to sit across me but he sat beside me. I did not protest. Nobody was blunting a word to break the ice. My hand was still intertwined with his, and it remained that way until slowly, the ferris wheel started to spin.

I swallowed the imaginary lump in my throat and mustered my strength to speak first. “Brian… this needs to stop.”

Brian did not even flinch. He stayed looking at the glass on his side, but I felt his grip on my hand tense.

My vision was starting to get blurry as tears started to dwell on my eyelids. “Brian… please… just stop. This needs to stop. We need to stop.”

The past month made me realize that it’s Jae that I have to choose. I don’t have any right to hurt him, because from square one, all he ever did was to love me. He doesn’t deserve any of this. He doesn’t deserve to be betrayed. Especially by me… and his best friend.

It’s Jae. It’s always Jae. This affair is just something fleeting. It won’t last. Soon, Brian will just discard me like how he throws away his girls. And am I ready for that?

“Brian, are you listening to me? I-I… I’m not sure about everything that happened between us… if you actually felt something for me. I mean, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t. But if you did… it’s better to just forget about it.” I was quivering so hard. The pounding in my chest wasn’t helping. “Just stop with whatever that is… I mean, you can just go back to your old life. Starting tomorrow… I’d really appreciate it if you won’t bother me again—”

“Fuck.”

I was startled by his sudden cursing. Brian turned to me and my heart broke again when I locked eyes with his—his eyes that were also glistening in tears.

“You think I haven’t tried that?” he let go of my hand and wiped away the stray tear that fell from his eye.

“It’s better if—”

“You think I haven’t tried ceasing this stupid feeling I have for you?!” his voice echoed as his fiery gaze intensified. “I did! But what can I do if I can’t get you out of my system?! What can I do if I can’t stop my heart from beating for you?!”

I caterwauled. The potent emotions I’ve been bottling up inside me suddenly exploded. No, Brian. Don’t say that. You don’t love me. You can’t fall in love with me. You are not the type of person who will fall in love, especially with a girl like me. Stop spouting lies like that. Stop spouting lies that I’ve been wanting to believe in...

“No… Please, just let me be with Jae in peace… Stop confusing me…” I pleaded as tears continued to cascade down my face.

Brian tugged me close to him and wreathed me into a hug, burying my face on his shoulder. He raised my hand and placed it just on top of his chest where his heart was.

I felt his heart throbbing rapidly and loudly. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself when Brian started stroking my hair with his free hand while the other remained holding my hand in place.

“Can you feel it, Jaemi?” he whispered. “I feel like dying because of how fast it’s beating inside my chest… and that happens not only when I kiss you… it’s like that whenever I see you… whenever I think about you… whenever I get involved with something that is associated with you…”

I didn’t respond. Brian continued caressing my head as he resumed, “I love you so much, Jaemi… So damn much it fucking hurts how you won’t believe in anything I’m telling you.”

The ferris wheel stopped when we were at the peak. “It’s my first time feeling this unfamiliar emotion… but why must it hit me this hard? And with someone I can’t have?”

Hot drops of liquid abided their fall from my eyes, almost never ending, drenching his shirt.

Brian… please stop…

“I love you… I can always compromise. It’s enough even if you shower me with just a bit of your attention… even if it’s only sometimes… even only during nights that you’re free… even only when Jae is not around… please, give me just a little bit of it…”

His voice was shaking. I choked out a sob as I continued listening to him. “I can compromise. It’s okay if I’m only begging some love from you… but is it okay if I ask you… if… you and Jae will do something intimate… can you do it where I can’t see you? Because it kills me everytime I see him holding you… like how I wanted to hold my entire world.”

“Brian… why does it have to be me?” I tearfully asked.

I heard him chuckle lowly, but I knew it was forced. He released me from his embrace and looked at me directly into my eyes. “I don’t know. Why does it have to be you?”

Brian was crying.

The great Brian Kang who has made almost every girl in our university cry, who gets to have any girl he desires, is right here. Crying. Desperate. Vulnerable. Begging for me.

My heart hurts so much. I know that I’m hurting him, but if I don’t hurt him, I will have to hurt Jae. A part of me still screams that I shouldn’t believe Brian. A crude playboy, who is only toying with me. But after all of this, how can I not?

But it doesn’t matter. This little feeling I have for him shouldn’t grow anymore. I can’t choose him. I can’t leave Jae for him.

“I’m sorry…” was all I could say.

I felt trenchant swords stabbing my heart repeatedly as I watched his face contort in a pained expression, as a new batch of tears started falling from his eyes.

Slowly, he nodded. He pulled me into his embrace as he spoke, voice trembling, just like his hands. And I couldn’t do anything but to let him.

They say, love is painful, because it creates the way for happiness. Love is painful, because it transforms you. Love itself does not hurt. But if love itself doesn’t hurt, then why am I hurting him right now? And why does it hurt seeing him in pain because of me?

_“Let’s stay like this for a minute and I’m going to return you to him.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> talk to me, luvs ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry it took so long ;;;;;;  
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

My eyes followed the leaves that fell from the tree from afar.

Leaves that I’ve witnessed how they turned from brown to white, hugged by snow. The stairs across me were also covered with a thick blanket of white. The numbing air willowed, and I blinked wistfully as the frost patiently kissed my face.

It felt odd to look at the view of the place, so familiar yet so different. “Let’s get inside? It’s cold.” I looked at Wonpil who was smiling from ear to ear and nodded.

As soon as we arrived at the hall, he took the lead. “We should sit over there,” Wonpil pointed the table nearest to the small stage using his lips.

I rolled my eyes as I watched him carry his notes and folders that were all painted in ugly green. My footsteps were heavy and sluggish. I masked the building anxiety inside me by laughing it off as I sauntered behind Wonpil and the other officers from our department.

Staff from the hotel greeted us with wide smiles. My heart pounded loudly as I stirred, agitated. Students from our university filled the whole venue slowly.

We were at El Tercero Hotel for the 2-day Youth Congress we business major students were mandated to attend, especially us, the officers, and today was the first day. I craned my neck, unconsciously looking for that familiar face, albeit being totally aware that I was venturing my heart in this place.

The hotel’s hall is huge and the ceiling is really high. Just like its exterior, the interior was also painted with serene white with a touch of gold—exuding classic beauty. Everything screamed luxury, everything was sophisticatedly grand. The tables were also covered by a cloth in the same grand color of gold while the chairs surrounding them are white, actually coordinating with the fanciness of the place.

“What date is it today?” I jolted back from my reverie when my co-officer poked my arm.

I faced her properly before answering. “December 18.”

She nodded and uttered her thanks before writing something down on a piece of paper. I inhaled deeply and tried to calm my nerves. However, my eyes continued to wander across the sea of people around me, my heart still throbbing loudly inside my chest.

_Is he here?_

The dumb question kept on ringing in my head. _Fat chance._ It’s been over 3 months since I last saw him. Since I last… spoke to him.

It was _that day_. Ever since that day, _he_ didn’t come to the university again. From what I’ve heard, he went abroad, but I am not sure. Canada, I think? I am also not sure if he already left for good, or if he would still come back for our graduation next year. The semester is coming to its end. It’s finals season. I don’t know how he’s going to catch up with all the school works, unless he’s taking them at home.

It’s been 3 months, and it’s already December. That was how long it has been since _that_ happened. But I guess it’s better this way.

_But what if he suddenly appears here?_

I was startled when the students started clapping their hands, and then I realized I was spacing out again. Taking a deep breath, I decided to just focus on whatever the hell the person in front of us was about to say.

The first speaker went on with her speech for about an hour, trying to engage with the students every now and then. I kind of felt uncomfortable since I didn’t want to participate in the event in the first place, let alone having to speak in front when picked by the speaker to share my thoughts.

I shook my head in panic and nudged Wonpil beside me. “You go there instead!”

Wonpil’s brows furrowed and pouted, he was about to retort when he heaved a deep sigh and just nodded. “Be thankful your man told me to look after you.”

I whispered my thanks and turned to the opposite side. I ducked my head and held my notebook tight as I listened to Wonpil answer the question, _“How can you integrate in business the discipline you practice in your course?”_

I snorted, knowing too well how _disciplined_ Wonpil is as a student.

Wonpil cleared his throat before greeting everyone first. Typical Pirrie.

“Uh, I’m Wonpil Kim from the department of accountancy.” He introduced himself too, but nobody asked, Pil. “So, as you may or may not know, our course has this retention policy, right? We can’t have a grade lower than 85 if we want to stay in our department…”

I laughed while listening to him mention our retention policy. The same policy he’s been breaking every semester, always taking comprehensive exams to make up for them because he just couldn’t balance his studies and his band just like—

My heart sank. I was thinking about… _him_ again.

I shook my head, no, I just remembered how well he manages his time. That’s all it is. I just commend him for that.

“Oh no… my recent exams had low remarks…” I heard the freshman student beside me say. I turned to him and smiled.

“Don’t worry, even Wonpil had bad remarks too. You can always climb back during comprehensive exams… and finals season isn’t over yet, right?” I laughed.

The guy sheepishly smiled back. “Yes, I… I-I’m having a hard time balancing my time…”

I raised a brow. “Then you—”

“Do you know the bassist of that popular band from our school? Was it Brian Kang? From the Business Administration department,” another freshman girl cut me, and then she giggled. “He’s amazing! He’s the top in his batch and he still has time to spare for his hobbies! He’s a Casanova though… and I haven’t seen him around the campus recently.”

I grew pale at the mention of his name. I wanted to swallow something but my throat felt dry so I reached for the water in front of me and immediately drank it.

That felt like a sudden attack; a blow that I never saw coming. Suddenly, I felt agitated and the idea of him being around the place was suffocating. It’s been months, but I still don’t know how to face him after what happened between us that night. I don’t know how to face him because I never thought about meeting him again. I wanted to erase that memory from my head, but every attempt just makes me remember it more… remember him more. All those tears we shed… were they really necessary?

I sniffed and looked away to stop the tears that were forming in my eyes again.

I remained silent for the rest of the day. The event was held not only with us accountancy students attending, by the way. All business majors from our university were here too, so that includes the Marketing department—where Nayeon belongs to.

It’s weird, though. We haven’t talked to each other today. I know that I was sitting together with the students from my department, but normally she would sit with us just so we can talk. I tried approaching her but she was really acting peculiarly.

After the first day of the congress ended, I immediately went to Nayeon and asked her if we could go somewhere after, but then she was looking really flustered as she answered, _“Uhh, I have other plans tonight.”_

Weird, because if she had plans, she would’ve told me last night. Because that’s how Nayeon is, she likes telling me about her life even if I didn’t ask.

Weird, because she’s been like that for months. First, it was Jimin. And now… is Nayeon also drifting away from me?

The snow swarmed in a flurry, and I watched over the window of my room the black clouds that were full and dark. The night was hollow and I felt like I was already wandering into slumber as my thoughts went deeper and deeper, thicker than the blizzard outside. But then my phone at the top of my bedside table vibrated, jolting me awake.

_Jaehyungie calling…_

I reached for my phone and answered it as I hugged my knees. “Jae?”

_“I miss you.”_

A silent tear fell from my eye as I listened to his voice. I wiped it away and smiled although he can’t see me. “Why did you call?” I asked.

 _“Hmm…”_ he hummed. _“Didn’t you miss me, booboo?”_

My heart ached at every word he uttered. Did I miss him? ‘Miss’ is an understatement. How could I not? It’s been, what, weeks? A month? Since I last spent time with him

“I miss you…” I replied with a heavy heart.

He fell silent. I also didn’t have the heart to break the ice, because I felt tired… I felt lonely… I felt alone… I felt like everyone is drifting away from me… even Jae. Especially Jae.

Hot drops of liquid started streaming down my cheeks. My heart hurts, and I don’t know what exactly pains me. I just felt all the pent up feelings within me churn into a chaotic onslaught of emotions and I just want to surrender to them.

_“I’m sorry.”_

I’m sorry… How many times have I heard those words from him?

“It’s okay, I understand.”

And how many times do I still have to respond to him with the same words before this cycle ends?

“I’ll go to sleep now.” I told him.

 _“Already?”_ I didn’t answer. He heaved a deep sigh. _“Alright… goodnight, booboo. I’ll see you soon. I love you.”_

I ended the call. It’s been a long, exhausting day, and I don’t want us to end up arguing just because I wanted to spend time with him again.

This is exactly what happened to us last year... I am aware that this might be resulting from him, wanting to break-free, like some late teenage angst from rebellion because he has been caged all his life—given a life that included a path that was already laid before him before he could even choose what he wanted to be… that he wanted some time for himself… but is that really the case? Aren’t we just fooling ourselves?

Are we still in love?

Does he really love me, still?

All these questions are resurfacing again… just like last year. But unlike before, at least I had someone listening to me… I had someone spending time with me even if I never asked him to, in the first place… I had someone comforting me whenever I question Jae’s love for me… Now, the only person who was willing to stay with me… _I pushed him away._

Tears continued falling from my eyes. Why am I thinking about Brian again? I already made my choice. I chose Jae, and I have decided to continue choosing Jae because that is what I know is right. This feeling I harboured for Brian must be forgotten and must never resurface again… I just need to fix this thing about Jae again so we can be okay again. Just like before.

With a heavy heart, I slept to dismiss all my despondent thoughts. But I woke up very early, bothered by something I couldn’t decipher and couldn’t even point out.

It was the second day of the youth congress, and honestly, I didn’t want to come anymore. I just wanted to spend the whole day locked inside my room, but I knew that I needed a distraction.

“Your eyes are really puffy…” Wonpil looked concerned as he took the seat beside me.

Today, we took the table at the center of the hall, right in front of the stage. I smiled at him and shook my head. “I watched a movie last night… It was really tear-jerking.”

“Really?” he raised his brows, to which I nodded again, wanting him to just dismiss the topic. “What date is it today?”

My forehead creased. “December 19? Can’t you read the dates written on the stage?”

He fell silent for a while, and then looked away. Rude.

“Good morning!” We were both surprised by the sudden greeting of the MC of the event, so we directed our gazes to him.

Some students responded with the same thing but I didn’t bother, I just fished my phone from my pocket and it vibrated at the exact time I took it. It was a text from Nayeon.

_Cutie Nayeon:_

_Hey, can we talk later??? ^o^_

That particular emoticon made me smile. It was the emoticon Nayeon used to add to every ending of the sentences in the texts she sends me. I craned my neck to look for her from the other side of the hall and saw her waving at me while smiling.

I nodded and gave her a thumbs up. She did the same. I raised my hand and pointed my wristwatch then mouthed, _“What time are we going to talk—”_

I was cut when the MC started speaking again. “Today is the second, and also the last day of the youth congress. For catering to this event for free, we are truly grateful to El Tercero Hotel. And so we have the son of the CEO of Kang Chains of Hotels here. Let’s give a round of applause to Mr. Brian Kang!”

I felt my heart throb inside me unbelievably loud. I also seemed to forget how to breathe. My gaze landed on the man in a black suit, striding towards the stage with the same dangerous smirk I remember about him.

There he was, standing beautifully in front of everyone. In front of me.

I bit my lower lip to calm myself as I watched him smile and as he took the microphone the MC handed him. He looked… different. From what I remember, his hair used to be kind of long—fringes almost covering his eyes that he always had to part his hair. But now he was sporting that clean-cut, and it was a no-brainer that it looked good on him. He always looks amazing with anything. And that’s how the familiar ear-splitting screams from dying whales resonated around the whole place.

There went his pool of girls again.

Same old, same old. I took a deep breath and just glued my gaze on my trembling hands situated on top of my legs. I wore a very thick winter coat today because it was freezing outside and even inside, but now I suddenly felt hot. I just… wanted to run away. Run away again from everything… from him.

“Good morning, I am Brian Kang, and I’m pretty sure you all know me.” He chuckled. “Well, that’s because Mr. Lee right here introduced me earlier.”

That Mr. Lee laughed and said a few more words and so did he but I couldn’t comprehend anything. Everything just went by in a blur. Suddenly, he was treading towards the table beside us, which was occupied by the students from the Business Administration department. I used to think he majored in Marketing like Nayeon, but I wasn’t really sure.

I fidgeted on my seat and turned to Wonpil, who was looking at the direction where Brian was. “Oh, Brian already came home? He didn’t even tell us!”

I reached for the water in front of me and drank, feeling my throat dry again. Wonpil continued blabbing things I actually don’t give a damn about. “Did you know about this, Jaemi?”

I almost choked on my water when he blurted that question. “What?”

He shrugged. “I mean, Jae is Brian’s best friend. He should have known, so maybe Jae told you about this?”

“No…” I muttered, feeling my energy get drained from what just happened, and the day has only started. “I didn’t know. And I don’t think I have to know.”

Wonpil stared at me wordlessly. I averted my gaze and took the notebook I placed at the table and pretended to write something. “The first speaker is an entrepreneur you are all familiar with. Everyone, let’s give a round of applause to Mr. Jinyoung Park!”

We all clapped our hands as we watched famous JYP walk towards the stage. People were amazed to finally see him in person, but I really don’t care about anything right now.

It was the longest five hours of my life. It was already afternoon. Three more speakers shared their expertise to us after JYP, but I didn’t catch anything from their speeches. The place felt so stuffy. It was so uncomfortable, and even Wonpil talking to me from time to time didn’t help anymore. I could see Brian from my peripheral vision, with his arms snaking on the waists of two girls beside him.

I felt something pinch my heart from what I saw. I took my clutch bag and stood up and shuffled my feet towards the nearest comfort room.

The moment I reached the comfort room, I locked myself in a cubicle and held my chest. My shoulders were moving up and down from all my efforts to calm myself down. My phone vibrated and it was another text from Nayeon.

_Cutie Nayeon:_

_Do you want to sit with us?? Where are you??? I can’t see you from your table T__T_

I took a very deep breath, and it almost physically hurt to do so. I went to check on how I look before going out. But then I was stopped in my tracks by what I saw just a few meters from the comfort room.

It was Brian. With Jihyo. His hands stayed on the small of her back as hers clung on his neck. I froze on my spot and felt my chest congest as I watched them kiss fervently, as their tongues fought, like their lives depended on it. It was clear from where I was standing, but then it started to get blurry. I was startled to feel drops of liquids on my hands. It was when I realized that I was already crying. I angrily wiped my tears. What the fuck, Jaemi? This is preposterous! What the fuck are you crying for?

I tried my best to walk silently so they wouldn’t notice me, but right before I could walk past the two, I glanced at them… and he was looking at me.

I tore my gaze and just ran away. I went straight to table where Nayeon was at and took the vacant seat beside her.

Nayeon held both my hands as she spoke with utter concern, “Are you okay? Where have you been? You look so pale… Oh my gosh…”

I shook my head and beamed her a weak smile. “I’m… I’m okay.”

Before my ass even heated up on my seat, and before I could normalize my breathing, the cause of the tremors in my nerves appeared right in front of us.

Jihyo and Brian took the seats across us in the round table. Brian’s necktie has been untied and Jihyo looked annoyed for some reason, but I don’t think I have to know why. A few moments more and Wonpil joined our table too. He took the seat beside me, and I was really thankful for that.

“Ayeon was looking for you. We have to give out certificates to the other students later.” He whispered, pertaining to our president Ayeon. I shifted on my chair when I felt Brian’s piercing gaze directed on me. And it irked me.

Why is he even looking my way? With that fucking gaze? Who does he think he is?

I took my phone from my clutch bag and dialled the person I needed the most right now. It took seven rings before he answered the call.

“Hello Jae?” I was still trembling. I saw Brian look at me again and I turned my back on him.

Immediately, I stood up and distanced myself from them.

 _“Yes, love?”_ my heart ached when I heard his voice.

“Where are you?”

 _“I’m… I’m with Bernard and McKay… Uh, we’re watching weird shit.”_  He replied.

My forehead creased. “What are you—”

And then I heard a girl… moaning?

“Jae… w-what was that?” my heart pounded in my chest loudly. What did I just hear? Why was there a girl… and she was moaning?

 _“Oh fuck. T-That was the weird shit. T-The guys are watching… uh… you know…”_ his voice leaked with hesitance. _“Um… It’s… porn? Sorry, boo… You had to hear that…”_

And then all my worries vanished in an instant. I burst into laughter and earned looks from the students around me so I had to tone it down. I was still snickering when I responded to him. “Err… Okay, love, I’m hanging up. I love you.” I smiled.

 _“Shit… I love you so much.”_ I giggled again then I ended the call. I spun around while still wearing a bright smile, and then I met his gaze.

I automatically averted my gaze from him as marched steps back to the table they were at. Nayeon was busy with her bag when I sat down. I’ve decided to remain quiet until the event ended but then I saw a familiar face.

Oh fuck.

“Hey.” It was Jinyoung, the guy from the café last September… that one who was trying to flirt with me.

I smiled awkwardly. “Uhh… hey.”

Wonpil interfered, which I didn’t know if I should be thankful for because… “You know Jaemi, Jinyoung?”

Okay shoot, now he knows my name.

Jinyoung nodded. “Jaemi, huh?” he smiled. “Yeah, I met her once… You two know each other?”

“You two know each other?” I asked Wonpil.

“Why are we all asking the same thing?” Wonpil’s brows furrowed. I laughed at our befuddled queries.

Jinyoung shrugged. “Well, Wonpil is my best friend… you guys are friends too?”

We both nodded. Nayeon looked confused beside me but I didn’t want to explain to her, but the universe must really hate me.

“Why are you over there, though? Shouldn’t you be beside him?” Jinyoung pointed to Brian who was 3 seats away from him.

My breath hitched. Fuck, he recognized Brian too.

I fell stiff on my seat. I couldn’t move. My brain seemed to have short-circuited and I couldn’t function well to think for an alibi… How do I escape from this…

“And who’s this girl beside you, man? Shouldn’t you sit with Jaemi instead?” he even asked Brian! Fuck! Jinyoung come over here and I will sew your fucking mouth. Isn’t it obvious that they’re fucking together.

I glanced at Wonpil beside me, he was looking straight into the stage in front, listening attentively to the current speaker. I don’t know if he’s really listening to the speaker or to the absurd conversation Jinyoung and I are having right now… I really hope it’s the former. I can’t have him know about the stupidity I once did.

Brian raised a brow at Jinyoung, obviously annoyed at how chummy he was acting with him. His jaw clenched as his stare changed from Jinyoung to me. I looked away, still panicking. Nobody was answering Jinyoung, and maybe he took that as a cue to shut up. Like, finally.

I heaved a deep sigh. Nayeon held my arm, so I turned to her. Worry painted all over her face which raised a concern in me. “What’s wrong?”

She bit her lower lip. “Uh… I guess we should talk now?”

I heard the MC announcing that the event is almost over, and there was only the closing remarks remaining before we were all dismissed. I nodded at Nayeon. “Here?”

She shook her head. “Can we talk… just the two of us?”

We excused ourselves and went to the restaurant where Jae and I used to go to. The waiter came and we only ordered smoothies. I looked at Nayeon and she was shifting uncomfortably on her seat. Then I remembered the past months that we spent awkwardly. I was really getting worried if I did something that offended her… but I just couldn’t think of anything.

I waited for her to break the ice. Nayeon fidgeted with her phone until she took a deep breath.

“I saw the two of you.” she blunted.

My forehead creased a little. “You saw… who?”

“I saw you… and Brian.” she repeated.

I froze. She saw us… but when? Where? “Where… did you see us?”

Nayeon fixated her stare at my eyes, and I couldn’t move, let alone breathe.

“Last September… you went together to the amusement park, right?” she queried, even though she already knew what the answer was.

I ducked my head and stared at my hands that were growing cold. Slowly, I nodded. There was no point in denying. She saw us… and she just wanted me to confirm it.

“Jaemi… I saw him kiss you that night… how could you do this to Jae?” her tone was accusing, and I felt myself shrink on my seat.

I shook my head and I felt my eyes starting to well tears again. “Nayeon…”

“I didn’t want to interfere at first… I mean, I wasn’t in the place to meddle, that’s why I didn’t bring this topic up… until today… Brian is back.” she sighed once again and I sobbed. “I noticed how you were avoiding him… I mean, you were acting strangely, especially when you saw him with Jihyo… and all those questions that Jinyoung asked about the two of you gave it away.”

I couldn’t respond anything coherent, only sobs escaped my mouth. My heart ached at her words and guilt washed over me. I know… I know what I did was wrong… but…

“Nayeon… I… I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you…” I continued to cry. Nayeon stood from her seat across me and took the seat adjacent to mine instead, and then enveloped me in a hug.

“Ssshh… Tell me now. What exactly is going on?”

I shook my head again and hugged her in return. “I… I already pushed him away… I told him… t-that night… we should stop what was going on between u-us…”

“Do you love him?” a question that struck me right into the heart.

I choked out a sob. “I… I don’t… I don’t know…”

“How about Jae? Do you love him?” a fatal blow.

“Of course! He’s… We’re in a relationship and… w-we’re supposed to love each other—”

Nayeon broke the hug and made me face her. Her forehead wrinkled. “Then what the hell is this? You can’t be in love with two guys, are you stupid? You have to choose only one! And… and Jae doesn’t deserve any of this.”

“I know!” I argued. “I know… I am totally aware that I am wrong… and that Jae doesn’t deserve any of this… that’s why I told Brian to stop! Because I couldn’t stomach any more of what we were having… That’s why I chose Jae! I already chose Jae!”

“Then why are you crying right now? You’re still confused?! You of all people should know what your feelings actually are… Jaemi… You should’ve just told me—”

“And what? You’ll judge me? Do I look like I’m enjoying all of this? If you only knew how I wanted Brian to just stop right from the start… but he just didn’t… and…” I wiped my tears angrily but they were replaced by new batches of tears.

Nayeon shook her head as she held my shoulders gently. “Jaemi… I don’t know how all of this started, but I know you. You’re smart… You know the consequences of what you’ve done, and even so, you still continued your… affair… with him. But of all men, why should it be him? He’s Jae’s best friend… you know that. And what if he’s only playing with you—”

“Nayeon… I’m hurting him…” I hugged her and buried my face on her shoulder.

She didn’t respond. “I’m hurting Brian… I don’t want to hurt… anyone. Why must he fall in love with me, of all people? I feel stupid for… for all of these. I hate that I am hurting him, but if I don’t, I will have to hurt Jae…”

We remained like that for a long time. Nayeon didn’t utter anything anymore, and I was grateful for it. Yet I am aware that she’s against this. And she’s only consoling me right now because she’s my friend.

The weight I’ve been bearing all by myself for the longest time finally diminished. I’m thankful that I finally had the opportunity to share my woes to my best friend. I’ve been meaning to tell her, but I was afraid she would only judge me… and I hate myself for even thinking of her that way.

“I think I already get it… but… you should sort out your feelings first. If it’s Jae, then it’s Jae. Don’t come back to Brian…” Nayeon squeezed my hand gently and beamed me a smile. “Ah. I just remembered all those times Brian would join and spend time with us before… just to tease you… Now it all makes sense. I thought he was just being the playboy that he was…”

Nayeon had to go home first and I went to the washroom to fix myself after she left. I look like shit. If my eyes were puffy during the morning, now they are puffy again. I glanced at my wristwatch and saw that it was already 6 in the evening. We spent three hours talking and crying?

Oh damn, I forgot about my org duties!

I went directly to the hall and saw some of my co-officers. I walked towards Wonpil and he sighed again when he saw me. “You made me do all of your work again!”

“I’m sorry.” I smiled sheepishly. Seriously, I’ve been passing my tasks to Wonpil a lot and now I feel sorry for him.

He fell silent and he gawked at me. I realized that I actually looked like shit so I felt embarrassed. Wonpil didn’t say anything and just fished his phone from his pocket.

“Brian is finally home, maybe the guys have plans tonight.” he muttered to himself and I watched him dial a number on his phone. “Hello, Brian?”

I pretended to take the papers in front of us—they were extra certificates, must be for those who signed up and left early.

“W-What?” my ears perked at the alarmed tone he used.

“Yes… I’m Wonpil, Brian’s friend. What… what hospital is he in right now?” he asked worriedly.

My breath hitched at the mention of the word hospital. What happened to Brian? I started to panic, but I had to conceal it. I can’t let Wonpil know… Shit, didn’t I say I wouldn’t get involved with him again?

What is happening?

I took a deep breath and turned to Wonpil whose face was painted with nothing but uneasiness. “Yes, the red Ferrari is his… Yes… Uhh, we’ll just pay for the damages… are the people in the other car okay?”

Context clues… context clues… red Ferrari… damages… people in the other car… did he get into a car accident?

My heart pummelled within my chest. Brian… I need to see Brian… is he okay? Is Brian okay? I wanted to ask Wonpil but… I couldn’t. My throat tightened in pain. I can’t cry here. Fuck, calm down!

Wonpil was about to leave when he turned to me. “Let’s go, Brian got into an accident and he’s at the hospital right now.”

I stared at him, baffled. Why is he asking me to come with him? “Wonpil…”

Wonpil just looked at me, growing more and more impatient, but at the same time, he looked like he wasn’t leaving without me.

“I know you want to see him right now and I know you’re the one he wants to see too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i appreciate all of your comments and quoted tweets guys, but i'd really love it if we'll talk!  
> please talk to me hihi~
> 
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long update because I got carried away ;;;;;;  
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

The whole ride to the hospital was silent. My grip on the seatbelt remained tight as I gazed straight ahead, and while my heart continued to throb painfully loud inside my chest. Hesitantly, I glanced at Wonpil who also hasn’t spoken a word ever since we rode his car.

I wanted to ask him… what did he mean by what he told me earlier?

_“I know you want to see him right now and I know you’re the one he wants to see too.”_

He knows that I want to see him? And that he wants to see me too? I mean, I don’t think Brian wants to see me right now. Or ever. And it’s okay, as long as he’s alright. My concerns about Wonpil immediately flew away and were replaced by the anxiety over Brian’s condition.

_I hope he’s okay…_

The moment we arrived at the hospital, I almost sprinted to where his room was right after we were informed about it. I stood there impatiently, waiting for Wonpil to lead the way. He looked at me and sighed like he just read my mind and then started walking.

But when we did, the urgency I felt earlier disappeared. My steps became heavy and sluggish, each one of them felt like my feet were being yanked by gravity. I want to see him… but why am I exactly here? After I pushed him away, I’ll suddenly appear before him when he didn’t even ask me to?

It didn’t even occur to me that we were already in front of his room. I looked at the door painted in brown and is dull like the others. The pounding of my heart worsened. Wonpil opened the door and I stood behind him. But before he could fully open the door, Brian’s voice echoed all the way outside from his room.

“Just let me fucking go home!” he bellowed.

Wonpil cleared his throat as he opened the door. I marched baby steps following him, and there I saw Brian lying on the hospital bed with a cast on his right arm and a huge bandage on his left forehead, which was more noticeable now that his hair was shorter and his forehead is exposed.

“What’s this? You’re alive?” Wonpil strode towards Brian.

Brian scoffed. “You expect me to die from that car crash? It would take more than that to kill me.”

“I called you and a stranger answered! He said you got into an accident and he sounded so alarmed, and I expected to see you with blood dripping from your forehead—”

“Well, you’re not completely wrong, that’s what this bandage is for.” Brian retorted and rolled his eyes.

I stood beside the door awkwardly and watched them exchange banters. The doctor had to step in to interfere with Wonpil and Brian. “You have to stay here even just for tonight, Mr. Kang.”

Brian’s brows met and glared at the doctor. “If you don’t fucking let me go home—”

“Just listen to the doctor, Bri. Just be thankful you didn’t die.” Wonpil deadpanned.

Brian rolled his eyes. “I’ll go home later. You can’t make me stay here you fools.”

The doctor sighed in defeat. “We’ll run a few tests tomorrow so be sure to come back, Mr. Kang. Also, don’t move too much or we’ll have to cut your arm.”

It was obviously a joke, so Brian didn’t even bother reacting to it. Wonpil apologized to the doctor as he exited the room, and I was still standing beside the door. I bowed to the doctor and he did the same. When I turned to Wonpil, he was already looking at me. It was only then that Brian realized that I was there.

His eyes went wide, as if he has seen a ghost. Then he looked at Wonpil with creased forehead. “Why is she here?”

Wonpil deliberately ignored his query and gestured for me to sit down on the couch at the side. “Take a seat first, Jaemi.”

I didn’t move. I only shook my head. “Uhh, I think I’ll leave now.”

I only wanted to make sure he was alright because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight if I didn’t see with my own eyes that he was fine. Now that I already did, I can just go home and pretend nothing happened.

I turned on my heel and was already holding the doorknob when Brian spoke, which made me freeze on my spot.

“You’ll run away from me again?” his voice struck a blow to my heart.

I took a deep breath. God, Brian. Not now. Wonpil is here.

Gazing back at him, I faked a smiled. “Wonpil just dragged me here. I’m leaving now.”

“Ah, Brian, I have to do something at home. I don’t think you should be left alone here, though.” Wonpil moseyed towards me. “Jaemi, I think it’s time for you to do my stuff too? Can you wait here until Brian is allowed to leave?”

What the… Didn’t he hear me earlier? I have to leave now, I can’t face Brian again after what happened before, and also earlier.

I raised a brow at him. “Wonpil I—”

“You both know that I should be the one leaving here, right?” Wonpil pulled me away from the door and opened it instead.

The pounding in my chest was back, and this time, it has tripled its intensity. The idea of being alone with Brian again was suffocating and I couldn’t breathe. I shook my head.

“He’s okay—”

“Just stay, Jaemi. Just this once, stay with Brian.”

Wonpil’s gaze was piercing, like he was there standing firm to his decision that he will be the one to leave and I _have_ to stay.

But the way he worded his sentence... what does he mean, really? And what does he know?

Before I could even respond, Wonpil has already left, and I was alone with _him_ again.

I closed my eyes briefly before fluttering them open. I have to keep my strong facade. Slowly, I turned around, balling my fists uncomfortably. My gaze remained on the floor as I did so. I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to it.

“You can always leave if you want… It’s not like I’m forcing you to stay here.”

Hearing him say that broke my already crestfallen heart. I took a deep breath before looking up at him.

“Does he… know?” I queried.

He looked away. I know that he understood what I was pertaining to. I strode towards him, not too near, but not too far either. I still had to distance myself from him, otherwise, my stupid heart will betray me again.

“Does Wonpil know about… us?” I repeated.

Brian finally looked at me and it sent shivers to my spine. His gaze was soft, like the last time I saw him… but his gaze spoke volumes.

With his eyes still locked with mine, he responded. “Yes…”

My jaw dropped, even if I’ve already figured Wonpil must have known something for him to be blurting out things like that.

“What… Why? How did he know? Shit… Did you tell him?”

I started to panic. If he knows… Then he could tell Jae anytime! No…

Brian sighed. “He noticed.”

“What?” I cried, still disoriented.

“Wonpil might be the person who blurts out the most stupid questions, and people tend to ignore him a lot for that, but truth is, he’s just really very observant about everything around him. And… he noticed. He asked me about it.”

I bit my lower lip. “And you told him about it?!”

Brian beamed me a weak smile.

“I will never deny you,” he whispered. “…like what you always do to me.”

I couldn’t bring myself to respond. His visage says it all… That same pained expression is once again painted on his face, and it wrenched my already broken heart. He remained looking at me while I felt my knees getting wobbly that I had to sit down on the couch to support myself. I averted my gaze from him but I could still feel his piercing stare.

No longer able to stand the awkward atmosphere, I took out my phone and opened my sns accounts just to keep myself busy. We remained like that for hours, no one dared to break the ice. Until it was already 9 in the evening and he pressed the call bell beside him.

Soon enough, a male nurse came in running. “Is there something wrong, sir?”

“I’m going home.”

I closed my eyes firmly as I listened to him argue with the nurse who doesn’t allow him to go home, but he countered it with _“The doctor said I can go home tonight and just come back for tests tomorrow so let me leave. Or do you want to be the one confined instead?”_

I stifled a snort at his threat. Who would be scared of someone who has a cast on his right arm? How could he even inflict pain on other people when he’s also in pain?

Nonetheless, he was still permitted to go home. Because he _is_ Brian Kang, that’s why. He always finds ways.

I looked at him as he hesitantly glanced at me. “Uhh, can you… reach for my phone at the table beside you.”

Immediately, I handed it to him. A question that has been bothering me since earlier popped up again in my head. I hesitated at first but gathered my strength to ask him anyway.

“D-Do your parents already know that you’re here?”

He held his phone beside his left ear and glanced at me. “They don’t have to know.”

My forehead creased. “What? They must be worried already… You should tell them, ask them to fetch you here… Your car’s—”

“That’s not my only car.” He cut me.

“That’s not my point.” I argued. “What do you think they’ll say when you go home tonight in that state?”

“Uhh, nothing? It’s not like they care. Or they can afford to care.”

What? “What do you mean?”

“I live alone.” he replied nonchalantly and then started speaking to the person on the other line. “Hello? Are you busy? Can you drive my other car and… uh, I got into a little accident and I’m at the hospital right now… Yeah, cool, thanks.”

“You live alone?” I repeated.

Brian nodded and then ended the call. I remained looking at him. “Don’t you think it’s best if you go home to your parents’ house first… You’re injured. Wonpil is right, you can’t be left alone.”

He raised a brow at me. “You want me to fly all the way to Toronto right now?”

That caught me off guard. He chuckled at my reaction. “Same old reaction. I’ve been living alone here since high school. I don’t meet them that much, if that’s what you want to know. And I don’t care, actually. I’ve grown used to it.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that.

It’s kind of weird that we’re having this conversation right now, and I hate how uncomfortable it actually feels. Soon enough, we were wrapped by the awkward atmosphere again.

Brian struggled to get up from the bed and stand. His movements were sluggish, like he’s still in pain. He wasn’t looking when he uttered, “You can go home now.”

I stood there and watched him turn his back on me. Then he began taking off his hospital gown so I eventually had to look away.

“Oh shit…” I heard him wince in pain.

I sighed and looked at him. He was struggling to take off the gown with the arm cast support still on him.

It’s not like I’d like to watch him suffer like that, so I sighed again and went to him to help him. He gave me a questioning look but I said nothing and just assisted him while he changed his clothes. We could’ve just called a nurse to help him but… I kind of want to be the one to help him instead.

My cheeks felt hot when he had totally gotten rid of the gown and was standing topless before me. I slowly removed the sling from him and he groaned. “I’m sorry…” I mumbled and took the shirt on top of his bed. Slowly, I put the shirt on him. He hissed as I guided his right arm in wearing his shirt. I returned his arm cast support afterwards.

“There you go—” I froze when I felt his breath ghost over my face. Our faces were so close to each other and our gazes met.

The pounding intensified. Like the usual, I was the first one to break the eye contact. I cleared my throat, but I could still feel the heat on my face.

“You… can go home now.” I heard him say as I remained looking at my hands.

Remembering how he struggled with mere dressing up, I took a deep breath and shook my head. “I’ll come with you.”

No response.

I lifted my head and looked at him, only to find him looking back at me wordlessly. His eyes spoke a thousand words, and all those words were trenchant swords that were continuously striking me. He stood there silently, as if he was waiting for me to say something.

I gulped. “I-I… Y-You need help, right? And… Wonpil said y-you shouldn’t be left alone… especially with your condition right now. I’ll just… leave after you go home.”

Brian remained discreet as he continued observing me, our gazes still locked. “After all… We’re friends… right?”

His expression changed and he looked away. The door suddenly opened and a man in a white polo shirt entered.

“Sir, the car is outside.”

The ride to his home was enveloped with awkwardness. We both sat at the backseat of his Range Rover and I kept my attention to the view outside. I could feel his stare at me, though. And that’s what made everything awkward.

I shifted on my seat and my brows furrowed when I realized where we were going. The car stopped in front of El Tercero Hotel.

“Why are we here?” I queried as I helped him get off the car.

Brian only shrugged. “Home.”

Of course, he had to lead the way while I supported him. The employees all greeted us and I felt like vanishing into thin air. Damn… What would they even think about us now that they saw us here?

As we entered the elevator, I expected him to press a random number, I mean, his family owns this huge hotel. He’s allowed to sleep at any room here. But then he pressed the number of the top floor. I could only eye him while he was facing the door.

A loud _Ting!_ was heard and it was what appraised me that we have arrived at the top floor.

Oh, right. How could I not think about that? He doesn’t only live at the hotel. He has a penthouse up here. This filthy rich scandalous man.

As soon as we got out of the elevator, my stomach just had to growl _at a very unwanted time._

I closed my eyes and face-palmed mentally and internally screamed from embarrassment. I I opened one eye to peek at him beside me, expecting to see him laughing. But what I saw was completely different from what I envisioned him to look like.

Brian was looking at me with sheer concern, forehead slightly creased. “D-Do you want to eat?”

Of course I want to eat! It’s almost 10 in the evening and I haven’t eaten anything since this afternoon!

I wanted to retort an _Isn’t it obvious? Didn’t my stomach just growl earlier?_ but I don’t want to add anything that would humiliate me more by mentioning again what just happened. I bit my lower lip and felt my cheeks flare into crimson. “Uhh, well, yeah sure.”

Brian nodded and I sauntered behind him as he pressed the code of the door. It opened, and a grand staircase was the first thing that came into my view.

I’m not new to things like this, but the fact that he lives alone here, at his age, really leaves me at awe. I looked around and captured the simplicity of the place, yet at the same time, it screamed elegance.

The walls were painted in cream with a touch of hazelnut. The iron balusters were in scrolls and I took in the sophistication that even just the staircase alone exudes. I had to support Brian while going up, and what I witnessed upstairs was quite surprising.

It felt nothing like Brian, except the luxury and brand that it proudly showcases. I kind of expected it, though. I mean, their line of business is hotel chains, of course his home would be at par with a 5-star hotel, if not better. But I just thought, since he lived alone, he might have customized it at least?

The bar counter welcomed us as we entered. I also took off my coat and hung it. “Do you even know how to cook?” I asked him while still looking around. I realized that the walls are all painted in hazel wood here. I craned my neck and saw the living room (which was not an actual separate room but just a table surrounded by couches), the sofa all in neutral grey, a flat screen tv just across it hanging on the wall.

“I have instant ramen in the cabinet.” he proudly declared.

I gave him a look, “You call that food?”

He shrugged. “Well, that’s what I eat everyday.”

My jaw dropped at the information I got from him. He eats ramen… everyday?

“Are you trying to burn your kidney?” I raised a brow at him, still can’t believe the absurd thing I heard.

“Huh? But it’s good. I eat like,” he counted with his fingers. “5 to 7 packs? In one sitting.”

I massaged my temple in frustration. Seriously… Does he plan on dying at an early age? Like, maybe tomorrow or the next day?

I sighed. “You have restaurants below, and even around the area. You can just buy real food. What the heck.”

Brian trod towards the couch and sat down. “Well, I live alone. I found it fun to cook for myself, but I can only cook that so… Plus, it’s really good. Have you tried eating instant ramen?”

I ignored him and sat across him. “I’ll just order steak below.” Then I remembered, maybe he hasn’t eaten yet too. “Uhh, do you want something? I’ll go down and order. It’s on me.”

He looked at me, confused. “What for?”

Then Brian reached for his phone and dialed a number. “Hello? Can you bring 2 steaks up here? Yeah, also those grilled sweet potatoes you always serve as side dish for steak… No, I’ll just call again if I want to eat something else.” then he ended the call.

Right. What Brian Kang wants, Brian Kang gets.

I rolled my eyes when I realized we were in their hotel, not just his home. Everything here is apparently his.

We sat in silence as we waited for the food to arrive. Soon enough, it was delivered to us, in the same manner that they serve food at hotel rooms: _fancy._

It was also then that I realized, his dining area was the same counter just a few meters away from the living room. Without a word, I started to slice my steak and eat, but then I noticed Brian not even touching his.

I suddenly felt awkward again even though he wasn’t looking at me this time. Then I realized, his right arm was injured. He couldn’t eat by himself.

Thoughts began to battle inside my mind… Should I feed him? Am I not crossing the line? I mean… I’m just here as a friend, not like anything we used to be… And it’s not like he wants us to be like that again, too. I know, deep down, he’s mad at me… for hurting him.

I watched him struggle with slicing the steak with one hand, his left hand for that matter, and he cursed when he couldn’t even stick the knife on the meat.

I reached for his food and started slicing it quietly. He gawked at me as I did so, and my heart was thumping inside my chest again as I raised the fork. He looked at the meat and then back at me, and then the meat again. I was getting impatient so I shoved it to his mouth which caused him to open it and eat the meat. The sauce of the steak left stains on the sides of his mouth though.

I rolled my eyes at the mess I caused and took a tissue from my bag to wipe the sides of his mouth gently. Our eyes met and my breath hitched at that. I cleared my throat and took a portion of my steak too, accidentally a big one and ate it—I almost choked. He didn’t say anything, and just continued looking at me like that as I alternately fed him and myself.

Soon enough, we already finished the food served to us. He asked me if I wanted anything else and I said none.

“D-Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m just here to help you... b-because you’re injured.” I clarified once we finished eating. I went to the fridge to get water for the two of us, then proceeded to sitting on one of his couches.

He nodded. “Of course… I know that…”

I fell silent. Brian kept quiet too. This whole set-up is starting to confuse me. Isn’t he mad at me? I mean, all those glares earlier at the congress… and of course, after what I’ve done to him. How in the world are we talking as if nothing actually happened?

My heart sank as I recalled that night that was full of tears… his strained voice while he begged for me to give him… even just a little bit of my time.

I closed my eyes to stop my tears that were threatening to fall. God… my feelings are resurfacing again… Shit, no. Please. Not anymore. I don’t need any of these. I’ve already chosen Jae…

“I’m sorry…” My eyes fluttered open when I felt the side of the couch dip. Brian was sitting beside me. Not too close. He was also keeping the distance.

“I’m sorry… I know that… you already told me to stop…” his eyes were glued to the table in front of us. “I’m sorry if you have to do all of these out of your will…”

I bit my lip and crumpled the edge of my dress. “Aren’t you mad at me? Why are you letting me do these after everything I’ve done to you?”

He lifted his gaze and met mine. “I can never stay mad at you.”

Fuck… My heart. Don’t betray me again. Please. Cease these feelings from resurfacing again, I beg of you…

I looked away just in time when my tears started to fall. I abruptly wiped them with the back of my hand and took a deep breath. “Why are you being like this again?”

“Ha… I guess you still don’t believe anything I tell you…” he chuckled to himself. “I think you will never believe me in this lifetime…”

I was frantic. I couldn’t afford letting him see me cry again because of him. I shouldn’t lead him on. Especially because I know that this thing between us has nowhere to go.

“Jaemi… Everything I told you that night… They are all true.” I felt his hand on top of mine, while he squeezed it gently.

“I will lie to the whole world but never to you.”

Tears continued to cascade down my face and I watched as they fell on the couch as I ducked my head to hide my face from him. My heart hurts so much. Hearing these words again from him, knowing too well that I can never return his feelings the way he wants… the way I want…

If only… if only…

He removed his hand and held my chin, making me face him. He started to wipe my tears. I closed my eyes. I don’t want to see him while I’m like this. Because whenever I look at him, I want to take back all the words I told him that night. I just want to comfort him and take away all the pain I have ever inflicted him. But I can’t do that… I shouldn’t do that…

“I’m sorry if I’m doing this again…” he whispered.

I opened my eyes, vision still blurry. “You shouldn’t… J-Jihyo might—”

“She doesn’t mean anything to me.” he abruptly said.

I shook my head. “I-It’s nice that you’ve found someone you can turn your attention to—”

“No one means to me the way you mean to me...” his expression was full of sadness.

I looked away so I won't see it. “Yeah, you say that after I saw you kissing earlier. That’s good, you’ll forget about me sooner or later, you won’t even realize it.”

He didn’t respond. Maybe I hit a nerve there. I was right. They’re definitely together. My heart ached at the thought of it, but this stupid heart doesn’t have any right to feel this.

I glanced at him and his expression remained the same. He looked at me with an intensity that could penetrate until my soul. But then he leaned forward and buried his face on the crook of my neck.

“No… After all these time… It’s futile…” he whispered. “Everything… Every attempt… I always fail… I can’t get rid of my feelings for you…”

I sobbed. Fuck. Don’t be like this… Brian, please…

“Brian…” I called him.

He shook his head and nuzzled my neck even more.

“I tried forgetting you… I tried moving on from you… but fuck. I can’t even bring myself to take a small step forward… I always come back to you… I always want to come back to you…”

His voice was full of despair... like he's begging me to believe him... to take him... and I couldn't do anything but to cry because I just can't do what he wants.

“I love you so fucking much...”

I looked up as I tried to control my tears that seemed to be relentless in their fall.

Fuck. I… I love…

No…

We remained in that position for a long time, until I finally calmed down. Brian’s soft gaze remained on me when he broke from his hold. I stared back at him and my heart shattered when he beamed me a weak smile.

Weak… just like my heart. The walls I’ve built around my heart are breaking down again. I don’t want this. I need to restore my fortress.

But whenever I look at Brian, my guard just automatically falls.

Brian smiled at me. “Do you want to brush teeth together?”

I raised a brow at him. What is he talking about? Why would we do that?

Before I could even agree, he already dragged me using his left arm that is uninjured. He struggled to open the door to his room with his right hand while making sure he doesn’t hurt himself in the process.

“I have an extra toothbrush here.” he told me when we entered his comfort room, which also looked like it costs hundreds of thousands.

I rolled my eyes. “Of course. For one night stands.”

His face grew dim at my response. “You’re the first woman to come here.”

I blushed at his reply. I looked away and decided to brush it off through jokes. “Why? You don’t have a mom?”

He rolled his eyes at my sarcastic remark and just reached for his toothbrush and handed me his extra. I took the toothpaste and started brushing my teeth as he did the same.

Brian was chuckling beside me so I turned to him and then he smiled at me with the foam all over his mouth. I rolled my eyes and just thought he was being weird again when suddenly, he advanced and closed the gap between us with a kiss, transferring the foam to the corners of my mouth.

My eyes rounded in shock and I instantly hit him. He just laughed as if what he just did was a normal thing to do. I took the glass of water and gargled while he continued chortling beside me. As soon as I finished, I stormed out of his comfort room.

While Brian was still inside, I took the opportunity to look around his room. It’s still painted in shades of grey, the floor made of marble. There are two stair-like steps before his actual bed. While the walls… they are all made of glass, except for one side where lies a _very huge_ flat screen television. I went to the glass wall and was welcomed by the view of the city below. All those lights… they all seem so far away, like it’s in another world, and those ant-like people and all their problems are of no more consequence than temporary static on intercom.

It’s lovely… but solitary, at the same time. I wonder what runs in Brian’s mind whenever he looks at this view?

“It’s so beautiful up here…” I muttered to myself in astonishment.

“Not really.” I heard him say behind me.

I turned around and saw him also looking at the view below us. I shook my head and returned my gaze to the bright lights before us and took it in. I have always loved the lights… I like how we are as good as blind without them. That gives them a purpose in this world. Moreover, they are also pretty. So as we take in the beauty of the world, they make it more beautiful. And aren’t people always in for the beautiful things alone, and never the ugly ones?

I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder to my chest, hugging me from behind. Brian rested his head on top of mine. I closed my eyes. My heart felt like a time bomb, waiting to blow up anytime.

“It hurts…” he whispered.

I wanted to ask what hurts, but I didn’t trust my voice, and I knew deep in my heart what he actually meant.

“I wonder what it feels like to kiss you in public? To hold your hands in public… To let the whole world know that you are mine… I wonder how he feels like when he proudly tells everyone you’re his?”

I sobbed and reached for his hand that was balled into a fist while he remained hugging me. “Brian…”

“Choose me, Jaemi…” he pleaded.

I turned around to face him. Before I could utter a word, he buried my head on his chest.

“Listen to how my heart beats for you, sugar…” he whispered. I could hear his heart beating wild and fast and loud.

I shook my head. “No… Brian. That’s not true. You… You’re a playboy. Those lips have kissed so many lips… you have made love to countless women—”

“I’ve never made love to anyone, Jaemi…” he sounded so fragile. “I’ve only had sex with them. And it’s different. That’s all about the body… not the heart. Don’t call it making love because it will never be like that for me if it’s not you I’ll make love to.”

My lips trembled at the extreme emotions that are churning within me. My vision started to get blurry again. Tears started to run down my face again, and he reached out to cup my cheek as he drew me into his gaze.

“But you… You’re different.” He wiped the hot drops away from my cheeks. “Even when I’ve only touched your hand… I start to quiver… Even when I’m only looking at you… I feel pain inside my chest… it’s different. You’re different...”

Slowly, he inched closer and I closed my eyes. He planted a soft kiss on my lips… and my heart has never hurt this bad.

Unlike the kisses we’ve shared before that were intense and full of fervor… this kiss was different. It’s like he’s making me feel how pained he is… how difficult everything is for him… how he wants me to stay and choose him instead…

I kissed back. My traitor heart couldn’t hold it in anymore. If this is the only way to ease the pain he’s feeling right now because of me… then for the last time… please let me…

His lips travelled from my lips to my cheeks… to my jawline… down to my neck. It was the usual thing for us but at the same time, it felt like it was something new. Brian continued kissing me while whispering “ _I love you”_ and “ _Please choose me”_ repeatedly to my ear.

My phone that I was holding rang, and I expected Brian to stop, but he didn’t. I glanced at the screen and felt like I forgot how to breathe.

_Jaehyungie calling…_

I closed my eyes. I pretended that it wasn't anyone important in hopes of Brian not finding out, but I was wrong.

“Answer him,” Brian whispered as he planted another kiss below my ear.

I hesitated at first and just waited for the ringing to stop, and it did. But a few seconds later, Jae was calling again. I swallowed and took a deep breath before finally answering Jae’s call.

“H-Hello…” my voice was trembling too.

 _“Hello, love? Where are you?”_   Jae asked and it pummeled my already shattered heart.

“I-I’m… I’m…” I looked at Brian who had his hand on my back while planting kisses on my neck. “I-I’m at home…”

_“Ohh… Do you want to come over? I miss you, booboo…”_

His voice was like a trigger. I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing loudly anymore.

Jae… Please take all these pains away…

 _“What’s wrong? A-Are you crying?”_ Jae worriedly asked. _“Baby, what’s wrong? Tell me...”_

I sobbed again. “N-Nothing… I-I will… I…”

Brian stopped and distanced himself from me. I gazed at him and he was looking at me too… with eyes glistening again with tears. He bit his lip as I watched tears fall from his eyes… just like that night…

“Go ahead,” Brian said in a small voice, just enough for me to hear. “You can go home to him now.”

He turned his back and started marching steps away from me. I held my chest as I watched the distance between us stretch further.

I know that I am hurting him. I am hurting him again. I am always hurting him. No matter what I choose to do, I will hurt him.

I ended the call. I couldn’t afford to come to Jae after this. Tears continued to fall from my eyes boundlessly as I exited the door of his penthouse while he stood in front of the glass wall, staring blankly at the view before him.

As I stepped out of the hotel, my phone vibrated. I wiped my tears to look at who the text message was from… hoping it was from him… asking me to come back… but no.

_Kim Wonpil:_

_Did you spend time with Brian tonight? I hope you did._ _I know that the only thing he wants is to spend this night with you... that's why I asked you to accompany him earlier. I'm sorry. :( I just want him to be happy even just for a while._

And then another text came.

_Kim Wonpil:_

_It’s his birthday today._

I almost collapsed on the ground as the snow started to descend again from the sky. My tears continued to fall, seeming boundless, as my heart shattered into millions of irreversible pieces.

Of all the times I could do this to him… I made him cry again… on his own birthday…

_I’m sorry that you have to suffer like this because of me…_

_I’m sorry, Brian…_

“I’m sorry…” I whispered, even if I knew he wouldn’t hear me. “I’m sorry I can’t choose you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> please talk to me! I'd love to hear from you, luvs ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ  
> I'd really appreciate it if u guys would leave comments too.....


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, luvs!! ^^  
> Chapters 10 and 11 were supposed to be just one chapter but it ended up being super lengthy so I just decided to split it into two chapters.
> 
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

I was in his arms.

I was wreathed in his strong arms, and hot angry tears were falling—tears from the both of us, while both of our hearts were bleeding.

“I love you, sugar…” he whispered as he hugged me tighter, like he’s scared that once he loosens his hold, I will slip away from him. “Please don’t deny me anymore…”

I remained silent. He kissed the top of my head and then rested his forehead on mine. “Choose me… Jaemi, please choose me…”

I glanced up at him and saw his tears that were cascading boundlessly down his cheeks, his lips and chin trembling.

Brian shut his eyes closed and buried his face on my neck as he continued whispering, _“I love you… Please choose me…”_

I couldn’t breathe. Every second that passes makes it harder for me to breathe. Like I was underwater, in the midst of drowning, but no one is there to save me, and I don’t really want to be saved.

“I love you… Jaemi, please…” his anguished cries filled my ears and I could only sob.

 _I love you, Brian._ I wanted to tell him. But no words came out. I can't tell him that... I can never tell him that...

“I-I…” I attempted to tell him those words but then... “B-But Jae…”

“Why can’t you love me?” he tearfully asked as he broke away from his hold.

I couldn’t respond. I could only watch as he turned his back on me.

I was running out of breath. I was desperately gasping for air. My tears continued falling as I watched him fade away. What is happening? Where is he going?!

I woke up, panting.

I darted my gaze on the clock beside my bed and it read 3:48AM. Tears were still rolling down my face, and then I remembered him. It was so vivid in my memory—how he looked in my dream—that the painful emotions came crashing in.

I hugged my pillow tightly as I sobbed. In my dream, I wanted to tell him I love him… I love him?

Concrete pain crept in my chest and even started clawing at my limbs. I felt weak. Why does it hurt so much? It’s been 5 days… and it’s the same dream again. I’ve been dreaming of the same thing for 5 straight nights, and it still hurts the same every single time I wake up.

The grave feeling stayed in my system until a little light peeped in from the window, letting me know about its existence, that it’s already another day. I remained silently weeping with my pillow soaked in salty tears. I stared blankly at my ceiling, feeling the emptiness in my chest.

I heard a soft knock on my door but I chose to ignore it.

Another knock.

Then another. But this time, a gentle voice came with it.

“Good morning, booboo. Please open the door if you’re already awake.”

The next thing I knew, I was dashing towards the door to open it. And when I did, I saw _him_ before me, his face full of concern.

I wrapped my arms around him and as if on cue, my tears started falling again, shoulders moving up and down in a staggered rhythm, gasping for air.

Jae instantly hugged me back as he rested his head on top of mine and as he stroke my hair gently. “Booboo… what’s wrong? Please tell me…”

I shook my head. Jae sighed as he lifted me and carried me back to my bed. I felt the bed sink as he lied beside me, but I still had my face buried on his chest. Jae struggled to reach for my hand on his back, and when he did, he held it tight.

I cried harder. _Jae, please just take all this pain away…_

“If… If you don’t want to tell me, it’s fine. But please, baby… Stop crying…” he softly spoke to me, trying to ease the discomfort in my heart.

Jae remained stroking my hair as he tried to calm me down while hugging me tight.

These arms… they used to feel like home.

Home...

_I don't know if my home is still where Jae is._

I lost track of time as I drowned myself in Jae’s heartbeat. I desperately sought for comfort from his embrace. If only I could tell him why I am actually conflicted right now… If I could… he would loathe me…

And I don’t want that…

“Love…” Jae called as he tried to move me away from his now wet shirt from all my tears.

Somehow, his voice still has its magic that calms me down everytime my nerves fail me.

“Are you feeling better now?” he queried as he tucked my hair behind my ear.

Slowly, I nodded. Jae beamed me his sweet smile and my traitor heart broke again.

My forehead slightly creased as I looked at him, “Why are you here?” my voice still hoarse from all the crying.

“I missed you…” he pouted.

If this was any normal day, my heart would have leapt in delight at the sight of Jae pouting, something that he rarely does. But right now, I couldn’t feel anything for him. Instead, I recalled how upset I have been for the past month—the time I spent alone in this quiet, lonely room.

We’re drifting apart… I am totally aware. But I at least have to know… how have we come to this?

With every stroke he made with my hair, my gut clenched. If I would go back to how we used to be and compare it to how we are now, it only ends up with a question forming in my head: _Where did our warmth go?_

It felt cold. The frosty air somehow crept its way inside the four solemn walls of my room. I shuddered and craved for warmth, but only my body could stop the coldness from worsening. He couldn’t warm my heart anymore…

Where there once was love, now there’s only aching hollowness.

I exhaled deeply. “And it took you almost a month to make time for me?”

I squirmed on my bed and turned my back on him, not wanting him to see how low-spirited I’ve become as this topic dragged on.

Jae’s arm snaked on my waist and pulled my body closer to him, to his chest. I bit my lip. Fuck… My heart felt the familiar agonizing pain again while my mind wandered in a vast land of crestfallen thoughts.

Does he still love me? Are we still in love? How much longer should I endure until our relationship is finally back to the way it used to be?

Never did I imagine that this day would come… that I would doubt him. Jae, who has always put me first before anything else. Jae, whose decisions always depend on whether it’ll be good for me or not—regardless of it being beneficial for him. Jae, who has loved me ever so deeply. And Jae… who told me I would be above everything else, no matter what happens.

“I’m sorry…” he sighed. “You know the struggle, booboo. I… You know that my family’s putting me under extreme pressure, right? Love, I have a lot of stuff to do and… a lot of things I want to try too.”

“Tomorrow is Christmas… c-can we spend it together?” I bit my lip.

Jae sighed. “I have to finish my research paper, booboo…”

I laughed softly at the thought that I am not part of his plans again. _Again._ I’ve already lost count of how many times I got disappointed with him but couldn’t tell him… because I don’t want to be selfish. As much as I want to keep him all to myself, I know that I can’t… He is his own person… and he has dreams. And maybe… I’m just not part of his dreams anymore.

Waves of memories came crashing in. I looked at his eyes and they spoke to me a thousand words… that I should be understanding, once again. That he doesn’t want to do this either, but he just wants to break-free.

I know. I am aware. All Jae’s life, he has been controlled like a puppet, given a life that felt like it wasn’t his… made him do things he never really wanted to do, and forbidding him to do stuff he actually enjoyed. It’s suffocating, I know… I know just how bad he wants to breathe…

But I’m here… he’s forgetting that I’m here… I was there to listen to him when he told me about his dreams—his dream of being a singer, not some lawyer that is expected to run their family’s law firm when the time comes. I was there to tell him that it’s okay, that his time will definitely come and he will achieve them… But now that he’s getting them, I guess my part is done.

I didn’t utter a reply. Jae glanced at me with such downcast gaze, and it pierced my heart how forlorn he looked. He looked guilty, but I know that deep within him he was happy that he was having time for himself.

Heaving a deep painful sigh, I removed his arm that was resting on my waist. I sat up on my bed and he did the same.

“Please understand… I just don’t want to waste the opportunities I’ve been given right now and—”

I snorted and then turned to him. “And you’re doing them at the expense of our relationship?”

Jae’s jaw dropped. He was surprised by my sudden attack, but I regret nothing. I’ve always been patient… God knows I’ve been very patient and understanding… but now that I’m thinking about it, Brian has given me more assurance than Jae has ever did…

He snorted and raised a brow at me. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jaemi. I just need some time! I just want to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do… I just want a normal life for myself where I get to have fun! And am I not spending time with you when I am free?!”

This time, it was my jaw that dropped at his argument.

Jae… is this really you?

Yet again, I was reduced to tears. I choked at the violent emotion churning and trying to escape from my chest. “You’re spending time with me when you’re free… yes! You are! You’re only spending time with me when you’re free… when you need something from me… but when I was alone and I needed you… where were you?”

Hot angry tears pooled again in my eyes and I could feel a lump on my throat. I swallowed and swallowed but it remained there, choking me, depriving me of the air I need to placate myself.

His eyebrows furrowed as he pulled his hair in frustration. “Damn it, Jaemi. I… I told you, I just want time for myself… and you weren’t really alone, right? I told Brian to spend time with you while I’m not around since he’s also your friend and—”

“Why the fuck did you even make him do that?!” my tone was raising higher and higher, shoulders moving up and down in a fast manner.

“My goodness! Of course it was so you won’t be alone!”

“But you’re my boyfriend and not him! Why are you expecting him to do the things you should fucking do!” I stood up and distanced myself from him, but then he got up as well and followed me, reaching for my hand. I stepped back, avoiding him, until I bumped to my dresser.

“Can’t you just be more understanding?!” he roared.

I slapped him.

My heart could only take much torment from him. And this was the last straw. “After everything I’ve done… I still wasn’t understanding enough for you?”

He fell silent, still facing the direction he looked at when I slapped him. I marched towards him and started hitting his chest. “I wasn’t understanding enough, Jae? After all those times you would neglect me and ignore me for days… weeks… months… and I never blamed you because I knew just what situation you are in… I know how difficult it is for you… I still wasn’t understanding enough?”

Jae caught my hand and I struggled to break from his hold, our hands hitting the bottles of perfumes on top of my dresser, a crashing sound following. He looked at me in the eyes. “Jaemi… please…”

I shook my head. “Jae, I understand you so fucking well! I am your girlfriend, Jae… but why am I always begging for your time… even just a bit of your time… Other things are always more important than me… They matter more than I matter to you! Do you know just… h-how painful that is for me? Jae... do you know that? Do you even understand that?”

Pain. I feel like I have lost all my other emotions and only pain remained. It hurts so much that we are arguing over this. I remembered the days when I was the only thing that would make Jae busy, the times he would sacrifice his time just so he could be with me… I’ve done the same. I think it was only fair that I stayed patient with him… but look at where it has brought us.

I don’t even know if I still love him… or if I already love someone else…

And I hate it. I hate it so much that we have come to this… that I have to be confused like this. If he didn’t drift away from me… I wouldn’t have wounded my heart… I wouldn’t have wounded _his_ heart… We would have been happy, like how we used to be.

And is it my fault? Am I to be blamed?

I can never give the part of me that I have given to Jae, to someone else. He will always have that particular space in my heart. I can never give Brian that part… but it seems like Jae’s the one who’s giving it to him unconsciously.

“I don’t want to compete with the things that came before me in your life, Jae… b-but do I… d-do I really deserve this?” Breathy gasps reverberated across the walls of my room. The sight of him staying silent crumpled my already tortured heart.

He darted me an empty stare. “If you knew just how much I wanted to break free, how much I want to free myself, then why are you limiting my freedom again? Why can’t you just give me time for myself?”

“Jae!” I shrieked in exasperation. “You… you yourself fucking know that's not true. I've always been the first one to support you. You know that, Jae… all I'm asking for is just a little bit of your time...”

I fell on my knees, and Jae panicked when he saw me fall beside the broken shards of glass of perfume on the floor so he immediately pulled me up. He struggled to pull me into a hug but I resisted, with all my remaining strength, I pushed him away.

Tears were already dwelling in his eyes, but I forced myself not to be bothered by the sight of him full of sorrow.

I love Jae… but I don’t care anymore.

“If you need time, then fine. Just leave, Jae.” I told him. His eyes rounded in surprise and he attempted to reach for my hand again, which I immediately swatted away.

“Just leave!” I shouted. Jae remained there standing, stunned by my sudden outburst of emotions. This is the first time that we have ever had a huge fight, and the first time we argued about this. I have always been patient with him… But I am too confused right now, and I don’t want to have any more of this painful argument with him.

Jae looked up and gulped, trying to calm himself down too. Slowly, he nodded as he looked at me softly. “I understand… I’m… I’m sorry…”

I turned around, not wanting to see him anymore as the pain in my heart tripled. Soon, I heard the door click as it shut close. It feels heavy… The weight in my chest that I have been carrying for days just increased…

Brian… If only Brian was here…

He was always there whenever I felt like Jae and I were already losing intimacy. He was the one who listened to my endless rants about Jae and about life… even if most of the time he would just look at me and never respond. But at least he was there. His presence has helped me a lot, even if all I ever did was to push him away and out of my life… He would always go out of his way just to spend time with me, even if I never really asked him to…

Brian has become the total opposite of Jae… ever since we started to drift apart.

My chest tightened at the thought of him. _I miss him…_ but I shouldn’t feel this. I shouldn’t… but it’s still there. The feelings I have for him… they still painfully dwell within my heart.

I love Jae... but Brian... is he holding my heart right now? I know that it’s wrong, that I can’t possibly love the two of them, but I don’t care anymore because it doesn’t matter anymore.

Because if I’m going to choose, I will still choose Jae. I don’t want to let him go because I don’t want Jae to get hurt. Martyr? Maybe. Stupid? Yes. That’s what I actually am.

I have to choose Jae.

_But do I really want to choose Jae?_

That was how I spent the Christmas Eve. I was alone again. I sat before my dresser—looking at the mirror in front of me—dominated by a profound sadness. I colored my cheeks and lips, trying to conceal the paleness. Sighing, I took the grey clutch bag on top of my dresser, and proceeded to look for my favorite perfume—the one Jae gave me during my birthday.

But then I realized, it was the same perfume that fell and broke earlier.

The thought alone was painful … was it a sign? Are we really breaking apart?

My phone vibrated. I glanced at the screen and my heart skipped a beat.

_Jaehyungie:_

_Merry Christmas, booboo… I love you._

I bit my lip as I typed a reply with a heavy heart.

_Me:_

_Merry Christmas._

A cold reply, just like what I’ve been receiving from him. Freezing, like the breeze of wintertide that blew on my face as winter tears fell from the sky in this hollow night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the holidays!!!  
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

I stood outside the Karaoke Bar that Nayeon and Jimin said we’d be spending our Christmas eve at. I gazed at my wristwatch and saw that it was already 9 o’clock in the evening. I hugged myself as I shivered from the cold air that sneaked inside my clothes despite the thick coat I was wearing.

I rolled my eyes when I saw Nayeon approaching me with that same goofy smile she has on her face whenever she teases me. She was even wearing a Santa hat. I snorted when she stepped close to me.

Nayeon hugged me immediately. “Merry Christmas Jaemi!”

I hugged her back. “Merry Christmas Nayeon!” as we pulled away, I looked over her shoulders. “Where’s Jimin?”

“She’s on her way.” Nayeon clung her arm on mine. “Let’s get inside! I’m hungry… and I want to sing already!”

As soon as we entered the room we rented for tonight, Nayeon raced towards the songbook and scanned it, looking for songs she would belt out again tonight. I heard her giggle while I ordered food for us, and while we waited for Jimin to arrive.

I sat silently as Nayeon started with her so-called “Christmas Concert”. I would smile from time to time, but they would all never reach my ears.

My heart still feels heavy after what happened earlier this morning… and I badly want to be with someone right now… but I know that it’s not Jae.

I was startled by the eerie sound of the microphone, like the white noise from the television when the channel goes off. I looked at Nayeon and she was already looking at me, face full of concern. She shifted and sat closer to me as she held my shoulder. “Jaemi… why are you crying?”

It was only then that I noticed the tears that were streaming down my face again. I shook my head and she sighed. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

I took a long, deep breath, before turning to her. I won’t hide secrets from my best friend again… not anymore. I can’t keep this pain all to myself.

“Jae and I had a fight earlier and… it went out of hand. I… I told him things I never should have said… I-I… He was right, I should be more understanding of his situation and—”

“But aren’t you being _too_ understanding already? I’ve told you countless of times… You’re being just a go-to-person to Jae, and that’s all you have become. Like you got demoted from being his girlfriend to just being a friend? But you always tell me, you don’t want to get in the way.” She sighed, forehead furrowed.

“No…” I shook my head. “I-I was just… confused. I was being oversensitive because of too much things that have been going on recently… I shouldn’t have told him that—”

“Aren’t you just continuing this relationship because you don’t want to throw the years you spent with him to waste? Because you think this is what is right, because it’s the two of you that is in a relationship, and no matter how toxic it gets, you’re still holding on?”

I was lost for words. Am I just continuing this relationship because I don’t want to throw away the times we spent together? Am I just here out of loyalty alone… and nothing else?

I shook my head. “No… Nayeon, I love him. I love Jae and—”

“But you love Brian too?”

Do I love him? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. This is driving me insane. The mere mention of his name made me hold my breath and my heart race.

Do I love him? I don’t know. But I miss him… I want to be with him right now… but I know too, that I will never be able to do that again.

I’ve hurt him too much already.

Do I love him?

Do I love Brian?

 _“I love him…”_ I cried, no longer able to hold back my feelings anymore.

It hurts… It hurts to always deny him… Denying him in front of people… and even to myself. It hurts… because even if I’ve already acknowledged my feelings for him, it doesn’t matter anymore… Because I _have_ to choose Jae… and Brian… I can’t go to him anymore… I don’t deserve to be accepted by him anymore…

Nayeon pulled me into a hug and stroke my head gently. I feel so ashamed of myself, being torn between two men who both do not deserve me. I am embarrassed because I got myself into this mess. The more I try to break away, the more I get myself pulled in, and even deeper. Everytime I tell Brian to let me go, I want him to take me back again. And this ugly cycle continues, not ceasing. And it’s frustrating… because everytime I try to break away from him, _he_ just holds on tight.

But now… he has completely let me go.

“Why are you guys crying?” I wiped my tears away and broke from Nayeon’s hug when Jimin arrived. I just realized that Nayeon was also crying while she was hugging me. Again, I felt ashamed. I don’t even deserve to be consoled like this by my best friend, she doesn’t deserve to be involved in my mishaps.

The universe must hate me a lot to be pouring down dilemmas at me, one after another.

“Nothing, we were just getting sentimental coz it’s Christmas.” Nayeon giggled, bringing back her usual tone. “Merry Christmas Jimin!”

The three of enclosed ourselves in a group hug. Soon enough, there were two of them already who were singing their lungs out. I laughed there silently, amused at the thought that somehow, I’m still lucky. Because I still have my best friends with me.

“Ah… I really missed hanging out with you, girls.” Jimin pouted. They just finished their 10th song in their Christmas concert.

I smiled at her. “I missed you, Jimin! I love youuuu!” then I hugged her again. “No homo.”

“I know, no homo.” She replied, laughing. “But I can’t say the same with Nayeon, though.”

“What!” Nayeon protested. We all burst into laughter.

Ah, Christmas… Somehow, my mood bettered compared to how sullen I’ve been for the past few days. But Christmas would’ve been more special if… if only… if only…

I hissed as I wiped another tear from my cheek, annoyed. I flinched on my seat when phone suddenly rang. Fishing it from my bag, my hands trembled. My stupid heart was silently wishing it was from him… but no.

_Kim Wonpil calling…_

I sighed. What does he want? At this goddamn hour and occasion?

“Hello?” I greeted as soon as I answered.

 _“Jaemi!”_ Wonpil’s alarmed tone made me flustered. What happened this time?

 _“Can you go to our bar right now? Holy shit,”_ I grimaced at Wonpil’s cursing, this doesn’t sound like him at all. _“Brian… Brian is…”_

“What happened to him?” I sat up straight, internally panicking when Wonpil mentioned his name.

 _“Can you come here? This guy’s been drinking for hours already… I mean, he said he’s still not drunk, and I kind of believe him because this man lives like booze flows in his veins… but you know, what if he dies tonight because of too much alcohol intake and—”_ I heard a bottle shattering on the other line. _“Hey! I’m not here to clean up your mess, okay! You’re drunk!”_

“I’m… I’m coming.” I immediately ended the call and stood up as I shuffled my feet towards the door, lower extremities trembling.

“Where are you going?” Nayeon queried over the microphone.

I looked back at them and bit my lip. “I’m… I’m sorry, I have to go now.”

I didn’t even wait for them to respond and I almost stumbled my way out of the place. My heart was beating irregularly in my chest while I thought about him.

I want to see him… I want to see Brian. I drove my car while my mind was still hazy, thankfully I made it to Wonpil’s bar. I mean, the bar that his family owns. Jae used to bring me here a lot whenever he and his friends (bandmates) would go out. I sighed when I remembered Jae. I hope he’s okay right now.

But all my other thoughts disappeared when I entered the place. The musky scent of hard liquor mixed with sweat filled the air. I looked around, desperately searching for the face of the person I’ve longed to be with, but all I saw was a sea of unfamiliar faces.

I strode towards the counter, meaning to inquire about Wonpil and Brian. Smoke tottered from cigarettes of the group of men near me and I covered my nose so I won’t inhale it. Just before I could sit down and ask, I saw Wonpil from afar, standing comically beside the stairs, with one hand on his left hip and the other on his phone beside his ear.

My phone rang again and I abruptly swiped the green button to answer him. “Pil, I’m already here at the counter.”

Wonpil looked around until his eyes set on where I was. He raised his hand and gestured for to come to him, and I followed suit almost immediately.

“What happened?” I blurted out as soon as I went to him.

He sighed while we climbed the stairs. “You have to see it yourself. That guy’s skull is so thick, my words wouldn’t penetrate in his head. He just wouldn’t listen to me. So I thought you can make him leave? He’s not going to pay for his alcohol anyway.” He rolled his eyes.

I hastened my steps until we passed by the dance floor. I forcefully pushed people away since it was really crowded, until we got into a private room, where I figured Brian was at, drowning himself in alcohol.

And I wasn’t wrong. There he was, all 180cm beauty of him, slouching into the couch, forehead furrowed, one had holding a glass that is almost empty. He was staring blankly at the bottle of whiskey before him. It also seems like he has gotten rid of his arm cast support already.

My heart ached… so bad that I thought I was dying. Tears started to pool in my eyes and I inhaled deeply to stabilize my breathing and to calm myself.

Wonpil marched towards him and snatched the glass away. “Brian, you’re drunk. You should go home.”

Brian shot him a glare. “I have a different stomach for food and another for alcohol. I’m not drunk.”

“Drinking alcohol won’t bring you anything good!” Wonpil argued.

Brian raised a brow. “Then what do you want me to drink? Milk?!”

Unlike when I went with Wonpil at the hospital where I stood awkwardly at the door, this time, I mustered all my strength and strode towards them. “Brian…” I softly called.

Brian froze instantly as his gaze slowly shifted from Wonpil to me.

He looked away and inhaled deeply. “Why are you here?”

I wanted to rush to him and embrace him… I wanted to pull him close to me and never let go… I wanted to tell him… I love him… But I can never tell him that… and instead, I felt like my feet were glued to the floor.

Wonpil tapped my shoulder and sighed, silently making his exit. Soon, I was left alone with Brian. My extremities were trembling profusely, and I couldn’t find it in me to move or even just speak.

Brian stood up and started walking, until he was already past me. Tears. There they were again, falling as if his existence was their master telling them to cascade. Whenever I see him, tears are always falling. Hearts are always breaking. All because of our tragic demise.

I pivoted my heel and almost tripped as I ran after him. I held his arm to stop him from leaving. His hand balled into a fist and he looked up, breathing loudly and irregularly. I swallowed the lump on my throat. “Brian, please…”

“Why are you here again? Aren’t you supposed to be with him tonight? It’s Christmas.” he spat with every word dripping with sarcasm and annoyance.

I shook my head despite him not seeing it. “Y-You’re drunk… I-I’ll drive you home—”

“I’m not drunk.” he responded sternly as he forcefully removed my grip on his arm without even looking at me. “Just go home.”

He opened the door and started walking away, and I was reminded of my dream. How he faded away, and how painful it was, even if it was only a dream.

I scurried my way out and I was welcomed by the dancing lights from the dance floor. I dived into the sea of people to go and find him, but I couldn’t.

“Excuse me…” I placed my arms in front of my chest as I went further, still trying to find Brian. I gasped when I felt a hand grope my butt. I turned around and saw an unfamiliar guy smirking down at me.

“Hey hotshot… wanna come over to my place? It’s better than this hot and smelly place…” he inched closer to my ear and whispered, “…although my place would definitely be hotter.”

My forehead creased, still in disbelief. How dare this guy!

Instantly, I slapped him across his face. Just… what the fuck!

“I’m not one of those cheap girls you can take home, you pervert. Don’t you dare touch me again!” I snarled at him.

The guy held his cheek that I hit, and then chuckled. But then he shot me a glare. “Feisty. I like it.”

He advanced even closer to me, and I attempted to step back, only to bump to another person dancing. My breath hitched when he reached out to hold both of my wrists. I struggled to let go from the pervert’s grip but he just held me tighter, and it was really painful.

“Let go of me!” I tried to shout but the blaring music from the speakers drowned my plea for help. My heart pounded loudly within my chest. I felt shivers in my spine because of fear. I looked around to search for help, but everyone were in their own worlds. Some were looking but it was as if they were watching something very usual and very normal.

He started dragging me away from the dance floor, towards the direction of the private rooms. “Where are you taking me?! Let me go!” He laughed and just continued pulling me, but before he could take another step forward, a punch landed squarely on his face, making him fall to the ground. I took it as a chance to break away from his hold.

“What the fuck?!” the guy roared as he spat on his side the blood from his mouth. He wiped away the blood that was on the side of his lips and stood up.

I felt an arm snake on my waist. “How dare you touch her.”

It was Brian. His tone was full of peril. I was breathing heavily, but I was alarmed by how dangerous he was looking like. His face was grim, eyes still shooting daggers to the guy. His breathing was also heavy, like he’s trying to hold back the potent anger that was boiling within him, which was evident in how tight he was holding my waist.

The guy looked at Brian in irritation. “Who the fuck are you?! And why are you stealing my girl?!”

Brian laughed sarcastically. “Your girl?” he let go of me and stepped forward, hiding me behind him. “Who the fuck told you that you have the right to utter those words about her?”

The guy was about to retort but before he could do so, Brian threw him another punch in the face. “She’s yours?” then punched him again, consecutively, while the guy helplessly lied on the floor. “Who told you you can just lay your filthy hands on her like that?!”

I decided to interfere. At this point, Brian will end up killing the guy!

“Stop! Brian, that’s enough!” I hugged his body and pulled him away. Brian struggled to break free from my hold but I just hugged him tighter.

He finally stopped resisting and stood up. But then he just had to kick the guy again so I pulled him again. “I said stop it!”

Soon, bouncers came to take the guy. My heart was still pounding. One bouncer approached us and inquired, “What happened here?”

Brian’s expression was still dark. “Take that pervert away from my sight or I’ll kill him.”

“Brian!” I stopped him.

“What!” he shouted back at me. “I told you to just go home, didn’t I?!”

I quivered. Brian looked really mad… and I can’t even put it into words. He looked like he would destroy anything or anyone that irks him right now, even the slightest bit.

I bit my lip as I watched the bouncers take the guy away from us, not holding Brian accountable for what happened.  “I-I’ll go home if… you go home too.”

“Bullshit.” He cursed. He turned his back on me and started walking back to the private room we were in earlier. I hurried to follow him. Brian hissed when he saw me again, and tiredly sat on the couch. He reached for the bottle of whiskey and poured it to the glass and immediately downed it in one go.

_I know. I know. You don’t want to see me anymore._

But I can’t bring myself to leave you here alone… I don’t want to leave you again here, alone…

“Brian… S-Stop drinking… Wonpil said you’ve been drinking for hours and—”

“So what?” he retorted. “So what if I’ve been drinking for hours already? So what if I get poisoned by this alcohol? So what if I die? Stop pretending as if you care for me. Just go home to him.”

I felt my throat tighten in pain. I marched baby steps so I could stand before him. But then he stood up and distanced himself from me, like I had a contagious disease he doesn’t want to catch.

“Brian… please, stop this.” I pleaded.

He shook his head. “Didn’t you tell me to stop already? Then why are you here again? Why are you… why are you always doing things to lead me on?”

“I-I’m not—” I fell on the couch, my legs all weak and wobbly. “Please just go home.”

He snorted then looked at me. “And then what? Imagine you again in his arms while I’m there, alone and drunk, because the only woman I have ever loved in this lifetime can never be mine?”

 _No… I love you… I love you!_ I wanted to tell him. I wanted to shout at him. But no words came out. I can't tell him that... I can never tell him that...

A deafening silence followed. I couldn’t utter a single word. Brian inhaled deeply as his expression softened, and as my anguished cries replaced the silence, filling the gloomy room.

Brian slowly marched towards me and my heart ached so much at the sight of him approaching me. I want to run towards him and pull him into my arms… but all I could do was to break down and burst into wild streams of tears.

He stood in front of me and I gazed at him, vision all blurry. I wiped them away and struggled to see him. “If you want me to stop, then why are you here?”

My head was spinning. I felt like all of my energy has been drained. Fatigue started to wash over me. The strong façade I have been keeping all this time whenever I’m in front of him, has totally broken down.

Breath irregularly fast, I struggled to survive from this heart-stopping moment with him. I couldn’t utter any coherent word. I continued caterwauling, as if my life depended on it. It hurts… It hurts so much…

“Tell me.” he commanded. “Why are you crying for me?”

Something’s telling me I should stand up for what I am truly feeling. But just like before, one step forward, one step backward. Always in the middle of hesitance. Never sure of what is actually there outside the box, because I’ve always chosen to play safe. Always within the boundaries of what I deem is right, even if my heart is violently against it.

Brian… he has always been the wrong choice.

It was never right to begin with.

But if this is wrong… then why does my heart jump in glee whenever I see him? Whenever he holds me close to him… why does it feel like bliss? Whenever he kisses me… why does it feel like my lips were made to meet his?

“One moment you’re pushing me away… the next second you’re pulling me close again… how am I supposed to move on from you?”

I shook my head. “No…” _Don’t move on from me…_

“Fuck… why do I love you so much?” he tiredly uttered. “Why do I still find myself coming back to you no matter how many times you push me away?”

Brian kneeled in front of me, levelling his face with mine. Slowly, he reached for my face while his lips trembled. Gently, he dried my tears away. “Stop crying…” he whispered. “Stop breaking my heart like this…”

“I… I…” tears continued to fall from my eyes while I held his hand that was cupping my cheek. “Brian I love… I…”

Brian pulled me and embraced me with his strong arms. He slowly kissed the top of my head. "Ssshh... I understand." He stroke my hair as I cried on his chest. "I know. I'm not asking you to say it if you can't. But I understand."

He broke the hug and cupped my cheeks, and looked straight into my eyes. "I don't care if we don't have a label. I don't care if you love him... as long as there's a small part of your heart that I am rooted in... that you can give to me... it's enough..."

The corner of his lips tugged into a weak smile. "I love you. And that is what matters."

I hugged him tighter, afraid that he might slip and fade away, just like in my dreams. “I’m sorry… Bri, I’m sorry…”

“Sugar…” he whispered in my ear the endearment I missed so much. “If you’re going to choose me now, I won’t let you go ever again.”

I took a deep breath. “Then don’t.”

He chuckled as he stood up and sat beside me at the couch. My heart swelled so much and it was painful again to breathe.

I don’t care anymore. If this is wrong, then I will face the repercussions of my choice. But right now, what I know is that I don’t want to hurt him anymore… I don’t want to confine myself in pretension. Because the more I am hurting him, I am hurting myself too.

He was there when I was alone… when I needed somebody. He was the one who stayed with me.

As soon as I mustered enough strength to stand, Brian smiled at me and offered his hand. I looked at it confusedly.

“I love you, sugar.” Brian etched another smile, one that I was scared I’d never see again, before whispering, _“Run away with me?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> Merry Christmas!! Please talk to me, I'd love to hear from you ㅠㅠㅠㅠ  
> and uhh, I'd appreciate it so much if you would leave comments too :))))


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR, LUVS!!  
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

_“Run away with me?”_

It’s never about who can take me to better places. It’s always a choice of who I want to be with. And right now, I choose to be with him. I want to be with Brian.

I stared at his hand in front of me, the ends of my lips tugging into a smile. His face also broke into a smile as he watched me take his hand. I felt him squeeze mine gently as he pulled me close to him. “Nice, now let’s get out of here.”

The next thing I knew, we were already at his penthouse because I kept on whining about how he reeked of alcohol. Brian took a quick shower while I sat on his bed, still confused as to why he brought me home?

He was taking a little long so I kind of fell asleep, and his super soft bed isn’t helping. I woke up when I felt soft kisses on my cheek. As I opened my eyes, I was greeted by a smiling Brian, ready to attack me with another kiss. I pushed his face away and he laughed, automatically pulling me into a hug as he plopped down the bed with me.

In a swift motion, he managed to close the gap between us with a smooch. I felt him smile against my lips and I couldn’t help but do the same. I could smell mint and aftershave from him, no more stinky alcohol reeking from him.

“Let’s go?” he whispered as he pulled away.

“Where?” I queried, confused.

Slowly, he got up and pulled me afterwards, making me leap on my feet. “Japan.”

Before I could even protest, he started dragging me out of his place.

Japan?! What the fuck?!

I started to panic. While inside his car, I fiddled with my clutch bag to look at what I have with me, silently praying that I don’t have my passport and have an excuse to go home already.

Palming my face, I cursed silently. Why the fuck do I even have my passport right now?! Wasn’t I just going to the karaoke bar earlier?! Why do I have to bring it together with my wallet?!

The universe really hates me.

I heard Brian snickering from the driver’s seat and I instantly shot him a glare. “This is kidnapping!”

He glanced at me before returning his gaze back to the road. “Ah, I must make a very good looking kidnapper then?”

“I don’t even have clothes with me!”

He smirked. “Who said you would need clothes?”

I instantly hit him on his arm. What the hell?! I’m seriously worrying about my being here?! “You—!”

“I was kidding!” he retorted defensively, still laughing.

I rolled my eyes and fell silent afterwards, mind still hazy. It’s been a very long day and night. Just a while ago, I was drowning in my own tears as Brian, for the first time, pushed me away. And now I’m having banters with him, like nothing happened?

I eyed him wordlessly. Brian was looking straight to the road with a small smile still etched on his face. I sighed and felt my heart swell. There went the ache again, the fear of never having him again with me.

 _Run away with me_. If I were to run away with him, what are the odds that we’re not coming back to the reality that’s checking: we shouldn’t be together? And I should come back to a man that is not Brian?

I shook my head, desperately trying to dismiss my thoughts. I don’t want these ugly ideas ruin my mood. After all, why must I decide for tomorrow, today?

Brian noticed it and asked if I was okay, to which I nodded, not wanting him to worry over my sullen thoughts again, not when he’s wearing that stupid grin on his face while humming to a tune that feels familiar but I couldn’t remember what song exactly. When we arrived at the airport, he called someone to take back his car home.

Apparently, he has already booked our flight and all we had to do was to wait at the departure area. I wanted to hit his head badly because of how impulsive this shit is, but then again, I couldn’t, because I couldn’t even move—literally.

Brian’s arms were wrapped around me as we sat on our seats, still waiting for our flight. It’s only 4 in the morning and our flight is at 6:55AM. My head’s buried on his chest while he held me tight and close, his breath ghosting on my forehead. I was hugging him too, both of my arms around his body underneath his winter coat, so I felt extra warm.

It felt weird… but a comfortable kind of weird. Maybe it just felt weird because I was used to us hiding whenever we get intimate like this… but then again, this kind of intimacy is also different. It just feels warm and fuzzy and all those fluffy things that make you see your surroundings painted in rainbows. It makes me want to just stay right there, enclosed in the comfort of his loving arms.

I whimpered, feeling dizzy. Brian instantly loosened his hug to check up on me.

“What’s wrong?” he queried, his face full of concern.

I pouted while I looked up at him, my chin resting on his chest while he stared down at me. “My head hurts.” Probably because I haven’t had a proper sleep yet since last week and now it’s taking a toll on me.

Brian inched closer and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. “Does it still hurt, sugar?”

I nodded, the corners of my lips tugging into a smile. He playfully pouted at me too and then proceeded to kissing my forehead and my temples repeatedly. “How about now?”

I beamed him a smile, heart starting to feel light and happy. He smiled back, before advancing to give me another peck on the lips.

One thing I learned about Brian is that he definitely _loves kissing._ A kissing monster? Perhaps. I don’t know how many lips he has kissed already and I’m pretty sure he has lost count already too. So I don’t really feel that special whenever I think about how he kisses me in every chance he gets.

“Aigoo… are the two of you newlyweds?” my forehead creased when I heard an old woman’s voice. I shifted and tried to break free from Brian’s hold, but he just wouldn’t let me. I looked up at Brian and saw him facing his left where the voice came from.

Brian smiled before answering. “Yes,” his smile went wider. “Yes we are.”

I pinched his waist and he winced, then glared at me. I raised a brow at him as if asking him what he would dare do after I pinched him. He shook his head and sighed, then hugged me again, as if he wasn’t already hugging me in the first place.

Small moments like this are what I appreciate the most. I smiled as I inhaled his scent, a smell full of comfort to my soul. I hugged him back, and I felt him tightening the way he was wreathing me in his arms.

Hours passed quickly, probably because I spent most of the time sleeping because I was really sleepy. The moment we landed in Japan, I immediately sent messages to Nayeon and Jimin through our group chat, telling them that I was actually in Japan, just in case they wonder where I was. Soon enough, they replied.

_Nayeon:_

_Oh, really?! You didn’t even tell me you had plans to go to Japan!! I would’ve come with you!! >O<_

_Jimin:_

_Cool. Bring home souvenirs from your trip. :)_

I eventually had to send Nayeon a private message and told her I was with Brian.

_Nayeon:_

_What?! I thought… :O_

_Nayeon:_

_You owe me a story to tell!!!! TT__TT_

I giggled at how cute Nayeon was acting even on messages. She flooded me with crying stickers afterwards, and then angry stickers. I decided to just ignore her and turned off my phone as I rode the car that was waiting for us at the airport which, from what Brian said, would take us to Tokyo.

I fell asleep again. I woke up when we arrived at a certain resort, which made me look at Brian, baffled. Staff started leading the way, as if they already knew we were coming at this exact hour.

It was only when we entered that I found out, it was _El Tercero Hotel and Resort_.

Wow fuck, they’re everywhere. _He’s everywhere._

I nudged Brian in the arm while we were walking. He looked at me and raised a brow.

“We should get separate rooms.” I told him.

His forehead furrowed as he stopped on his tracks, making everyone else stop too. “What? Why? What for?”

“Why are you even asking?!”

Brian darted me his gaze, as if speaking to me through his eyes. I looked away. I know what he’s thinking. That I shouldn’t feel awkward about sharing a room with him… but it’s not about being awkward. It’s about me avoiding _something_ to happen between us, especially _this early_. After all, I’m still in a relationship… with Jae.

Also, I’ve sworn to myself that I’d only give my virginity to the man I am sure about, the man I will spend the rest of my life with. And knowing Brian, things might escalate quickly and soft caresses might turn into pleasurable burning touches that come along with steamy kisses… and I might just not restrain myself anymore.

Brian sighed in defeat, and didn’t impose what he actually wanted. Soon, we were led to separate but adjacent rooms. I didn’t protest anymore since I felt so exhausted from all the things I’ve gone through since yesterday.

I was knocked out when I entered my room. It was only past 11AM but I felt like all the exhaustion from the past week suddenly dropped on me and knocked me out. The mattress and the comforter felt so cosy that my supposed nap turned into 5 hours of sleep. I woke up past 4PM. It was only then that I came to appreciate the whole room I was in.

Typical room of a Kang. The vibe is the same as the hotel back in Seoul, although not as grand as Brian’s penthouse. The room is painted in rose pink, though. I sat up and gazed at the bed I was lying on earlier. A king-size bed. It somehow felt bigger than when I was sleeping earlier. I don’t know if I feel cold because of the air-conditioner or I just want a hug.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I sighed as I lazily got up and strode towards the door to open it. The next thing I knew, I was attacked and was enclosed in a bear hug.

“I miss you…” Brian nuzzled his nose on my cheek, slowly walking forward so I had to step backwards.

Like I said, it’s the small moments like this that I share with Brian that are the ones I appreciate the most. I smiled and returned the hug. “But we were together earlier?”

“I always miss you,” he whispered. “Even when we’re together, I still miss you a lot.”

Soon enough, we were both lying on the bed with both our feet still on the floor, just the half of our bodies touching the bed.

Brian loosened his embrace and cupped my cheeks while I remained hugging him. “I asked one of our staff to buy clothes for you.”

I moved away from him and my forehead puckered a bit. “Huh? But what about my… uh… underwear?”

He shrugged. “I told them your size.”

My jaw dropped. I hit him on his chest in disbelief. “What the fuck? You don’t even know my size!!!”

“I’ve held countless of those, sugar… and I’ve cupped yours too. And I can say that you’re bigger than cup A but smaller than cup C… so I told the staff to get cup B.” he replied nonchalantly, as if his words don’t make me want to shrink and vanish into thin air.

I felt heat creep on my entire face and I know that I’m huge blushing mess right now. I bit my lip and looked away, feeling the embarrassment solidifying in my throat, suffocating me.

“I know… they’re small…” I said softly, still not looking at him. Brian did not reply and it only made me feel worse.

I mean, of course, how could I forget that? He is still _the_ Brian Kang, always surrounded by women, even dubbed as a god by these women who used to be _scheduled_. His lips have kissed countless of lips, had sex with them even. Of course, he would know. He had been with different types of women already, and most of these women are better than me. I am totally aware of that.

He raised his hand to fix my hair that covered my eyes and held my chin to make me face him. I averted my gaze again, still abashed to even look at him. I’m just annoyed that he made that kind of comparison… even mentioning that he has held countless of breasts already! I mean, I know, so just shut up. And the fact that he told me right into my face that he has cupped my breasts too…! I just want to disappear.

“You’ve had girls with bigger sizes, I know. I’m sorry if mine’s just like this okay? I’m sorry?!” I struggled to break free from him and I succeeded sitting up, only to be pulled down again by him. “I’m sorry for turning you off with my small breasts?!”

“No, sugar, listen… You don’t turn me off!” he caught my hands with one hand and cupped my cheek with the other. “Sugar… not at all. Hell, even if you had no breast, I'd still be head over heels with you. I am that smitten, sugar… I am that smitten…”

Again, I felt my cheeks flare into crimson. I hit him again and said nothing, trying to conceal the butterflies that were churning in my stomach with what he just said. He sighed and caught my hands.

“Merry Christmas, sugar.” He whispered. This time, I finally looked at him properly, then our eyes locked.

I beamed him a smile. “Merry Christmas.”

As soon as my clothes arrived, I checked them and I almost threw them to Brian.

“Brian, do you even realize that it’s winter now?”

He nodded, still with that stupid grin on his face. “They’ll suit you.”

The clothes are fine. But the underwear!!! They’re all bikinis!!!

Before I could even retort back, Brian has already made his way out of my room. I took another look at the clothes he got for me and sighed. Okay, this is better than having to wear nothing.

I took a shower and it took me quite a while, so it was already almost 6 in the evening when I finish dolling up. I wore a pink button-down blouse and a pair of shorts and tied my hair. I also realized that I have no other footwear here with me except for my boots. So I guess I’ll have to buy some tomorrow.

I sat on the bed for some time until there was another knock on the door. Just as I expected, it was Brian.

He was wearing a navy blue polo with a white undershirt. He beamed at me. “Let’s go get dinner.”

I nodded at him. My heart skipped a beat when Brian reached out for my hand and intertwined our fingers wordlessly. I shifted my gaze from our hands to him and he was looking straight ahead while we were walking. As we passed by some guests, I couldn’t help but notice the girls who were openly gawking at him.

Annoyed, I quickened my pace so we would stand side by side and then leaned my head on his shoulder. Brian turned to me and hummed, as if asking why. I ignored him and just continued walking. I heard him chuckle beside me but I ignored him again.

We ate our dinner at the restaurant downstairs, and I grew more conscious of the pairs of eyes of women feasting on Brian so I couldn’t enjoy the meal at all. As much as they were staring at them, I could almost hear them talking about me, asking why I was with Brian, that it would be better if it was them who shared the table with him.

Brian’s forehead creased. “What’s wrong?”

I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer him. He remained looking at me like I was some sort of mathematical problem he couldn't solve. I ate my meal silently, and so did he, but he would look at me from time to time.

The night was young. Brian and I went outside and sat by the infinity pool, and then the cycle went on. Girls looking at him, Brian looking at me, and I stared at the girls in annoyance. I don’t even know why I am annoyed. I just am. I feel like I’m being scrutinized by these girls and I don’t like being the center of attention of anyone.

My gaze shifted towards the pool, which had bright lights below, dyeing the water with different colors. And I found it really beautiful. The landscape was also lovely and I took it all in, the keen moment was so intoxicating that it had me closing my eyes briefly.

Brian pulled me closer to him and rested his chin on my shoulder. I shivered as the cold breeze of air brushed against my skin lightly and as he started kissing my neck softly, smooching my skin as he enclosed me within his arms. I fluttered my eyes open and the first thing I saw was a girl swimming across us rolling her eyes at the sight of Brian getting so intimate with me. Slowly, I turned to him while I held his hand that was holding me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, struggling to face him properly. Brian only snuggled closer and abided planting soft kisses on my neck, until his lips ascended to the skin below my ear, breathing me in.

He loosened his embrace and I took it as a chance to face him. But then again, the kissing monster just had to snatch another one, and this time, on my lips. “Gotta show them that you’re mine.”

I smiled against his lips as he kissed me again. “I’m yours.”

“Only mine.” His breath ghosted against my skin, sending cold shivers to my spine.

Brian raised his hand to fix my hair again and I noticed how his brows were furrowing. “Let’s get out of here.” He blunted.

I raised a brow. “Why? The view here is nice.”

I watched as his lips turned into a pout. “I don’t like other guys to look at you.”

I snorted at his response. “As if girls weren’t looking at you.”

He rolled his eyes and let go of me to support himself as he got up. He offered his hand for me to take so I can stand up too. Without a word, Brian started dragging me to God knows where.

Aside from being a kissing monster, I also learned that he has a knack for dragging me to places without my consent.

We stopped before a glass door and even from outside, I could see the pool inside. I gazed at Brian as he pushed the door open, gesturing me to enter.

No one was inside. I strolled around and admired how the ceiling looked like a galaxy full of stars and these stars reflected on the water. I marched baby steps towards the pool and looked at the huge balls of light dangling at the side. I smiled and took a deep breath. I looked back at Brian and I scoffed when I saw that he has already gotten rid of his top.

“Wow. That fast.” I commented as my eyes landed on his broad chest, down to his perfectly chiselled abs.

He smirked and strode towards me in long strides, as if in a hurry. I smiled at him and started unbuttoning my blouse. I took it off and shimmied my shorts after, revealing the red bikini he got for me.

I heard him cuss a soft _Fuck_ right before he could stand before me. He closed his eyes firmly for a few seconds before going down the pool. I watched as steam evaporated from the water as he sunk down, offering a hand to me. I beamed at him and took his hand without hesitation and went to the water with him.

It was warm. Not too hot, and not cold either. The temperature was just right, just like this moment. Brian rested his hands on the small of my back as I circled my arms on his neck.

Our eyes remained locked. Slowly, I raised one hand and touched his hair. Brian continued staring down at me while I looked up at him.

“Why did you cut your hair…” I asked him softly, eyes not leaving his hair.

“Hmm…” he hummed as he pulled me closer, and I felt kind of conscious when his chest grazed mine. “Because I wanted to move on from you?”

I fell silent. So he really did want to move on from me… And I can’t blame him. I pushed him away and told him to stop. Everything is on me.

I looked back to his eyes when he cupped my cheek, and I just found myself getting drawn by his gaze again. Those brown orbs… they spoke volumes. Everything else around me disappeared in a blur, and the only important thing to me was him here with me, holding me close to him.

“But I couldn’t…” he raised his hand that he was cupping my cheek earlier to hold my hand that was playing with his hair, then started to kiss each of my fingers slowly. “I couldn’t… and I didn’t want to…”

“Bri…” I softly called his name. He shook his head, hushing me.

“During those three months… I tried. I tried so hard to forget you… but everytime I try to meet other girls… you would always pop in my head.” Brian chuckled before kissing the back of my hand. “I would always think… why couldn’t they make me feel what I feel when I’m around you?”

Brian let go of my hand and cupped both of my cheeks, making me look at him. He smiled, one that was both sad and happy. I took a deep breath before closing my eyes to calm myself down. “You’ve always been around girls… That doesn’t make me anything special.”

“No.” he replied almost abruptly. “That’s not… that’s not true.”

I didn’t respond and kept my eyes closed. Brian’s hand found its way to the back of my head and I felt how he slowly removed the pony tail I had my hair tied with, feeling how my hair fell down the water.

“I know… That’s how you view me. The crude playboy with a schedule of girls everyday? The guy who likes being with women… playing with them… desperately looking for the solution to… fill the hollowness in my chest… in my life… because all my life, I was alone but… but when you came, I felt whole again.”

I felt his lips brush mine gently. “You filled the void that has long been in me…”

As I opened my eyes, I was welcomed by the tender gaze he was giving me, lovingly looking at me like I was something so precious… something he treasures so much.

“I can lose them all… I can lose the world… but not you.”

 _I love you._ I wanted to tell him so bad that my heart ached so much. I died a slow death with every word he whispered in my ear. Our eyes spoke to each other and it frightened me. Because his eyes were the reflection of what I desire.

Tears started to well in my eyes. Brian noticed them and wiped them away quickly, but with utmost care.

We haven’t talked about _him._ There’s a part of me that’s telling me, I am just confused, telling me not to do this anymore. Not to do this to Jae… not to do this to myself. Because as much as I will hurt Jae, I will hurt myself too.

But I will hurt Brian too… and I don’t want that. Because as much as a part of me is telling me to stop, the remaining part is screaming to continue and screw what my fickle heart is saying.

“Please leave him… please choose me… sugar, please...” he inched closer and closed the gap between us in a kiss. I kissed him back and with every breath he was taking from me, I could feel the pain that was rising again in his heart.

Nothing lasts forever. This might just be a result of my impulsiveness. This is only transient, I know, but even so, I want to be here with him. I want to make him feel that I am his. Even if I am also aware that I can only give him a part of my heart… because in the end, it’s still Jae’s.

I love Brian. And I love Jae. It’s stupid to think that I love not only one, but two men, and I prayed silently that soon, I can finally find my place. I can finally choose between the two of them. I’m disgusted with myself, but I can’t stop. I just can’t leave him.

I’m a cheater. I’m a liar. And it’s wrong… it’s a sin. I am the devil… we both are. These stolen moments are our guilty pleasure. Because isn't that how it's supposed to be? The things we love, but do not tell anyone. It's not right in the eyes of people, but in your heart, your actions are justified. Yes, I love him... but only clandestinely.

Because _he_ owns me. Yet he is not that _he_.

As Brian broke the kiss, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine.

_“If betraying my best friend is the only way I can have you, then so be it.”_

I will be with Brian.

I will be with him.

_Until I can’t anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae  
> pls talk to me ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

I stared blankly at the ceiling of my hotel room and hugged my pillow. There went the hollowness again in my chest. My hand found its way to my chest and crumpled my shirt, as if I could physically grip on the void and take it out of me.

It hurts. I can’t sleep. And it’s always like this.

I haven’t heard from Jae, so these days, I’ve been able to pretend that everything was perfect with Brian. I’m happy, I really am. It’s beyond that, actually. But there’s just… something lacking. Something missing... Something that keeps me from feeling complete… There’s an underlying pain that I continue to ignore.

A soft knock on the door.

I glanced at my phone on the table beside the bed and it read 11:42PM. Sluggishly, I got up and trod towards the door to open it.

It was Brian. He was smiling at me.

“Hey,” I greeted softly and returned the smile.

He took one step forward and stood in the middle of the door. “Can I sleep here?”

The words I said earlier rang in my head. We should get separate rooms. Because I was avoiding something to happen. But my heart is screaming… and it’s telling me to let him in.

I didn’t respond and instead, I pulled him inside and clung to him close.

This, right now, is what makes me happy.

Brian chuckled as he caressed my hair gently. I felt him kiss the top of my head. “Why aren’t you sleeping yet, though?”

I only shook my head as a reply and buried my head on his chest where I could hear his heart beating loudly.

He guided me towards the bed and we sat down. No one was blunting a topic. We remained looking at each other’s eyes, letting them speak for our hearts. Gently, Brian squeezed my hand.

I know that he understands. I know that he can feel it too… The fear that is slowly creeping in my system… the pain of losing myself in the process of finding it.

These stolen moments… how long will they last? After this transient escape from reality, how are we going to let go?

Soon enough, we were lying on the bed and Brian tucked me in. Turns out, there wasn’t anything I should be afraid of happening. He was only gently wrapping me with the comforter as he slid his arm under my head like a pillow, then pulling me close to him.

Still, I wasn’t uttering a single word. I remained observing him, the way he would lovingly look at me. I placed both of my hand on top of his chest as he snuggled closer. His scent was all I could breathe in—the smell I would recognize anywhere.

He scooted nearer and enveloped my waist with his free arm. I watched how his visage turned soft as his lips tugged into a small smile. Gently, he leaned his temple on top of my forehead. “Have I told you today?”

“Told me what?”

“That I love you, sugar.”

Every syllable radiated warmth to my system and sank in each of my fibers. I’ve already lost count of how many times he told me that just today. Brian placed another kiss on my forehead before whispering to my ear. “I love you. Sleep now, sugar.”

I slowly drifted to sleep not long after, his embrace was so warm and comfortable that all my worries drifted away too.

I woke up when I felt light movements beside me. As I opened my eyes, my gaze met his.

“Hey…” Brian whispered before kissing the tip of my nose. “Go back to sleep. It’s only 3 in the morning.”

My brows furrowed a bit as I watched his face beam under the glow of moonlight peeking from the window.

“Why are you still awake?” I asked softly, slowly raising my hand to reach for his face.

“I’m scared.” he muttered.

I watched how sadness flickered briefly in his eyes. Brian caught my hand that was cupping his cheek and raised it. I didn’t say a word and only gazed at how he intertwined our fingers together. “I’m scared that if I sleep tonight, you’ll slip away from me and… you’ll be gone again by tomorrow.”

I was lost for words. What kind of reassurance could I give him? I may be here tomorrow, but until when would I be here?

He said I filled the void that was in him… but what about the void that is in me?

Slowly, I advanced closer to him and tried to reach for his face. This time, it was me who gave him a kiss. Brian froze, eyes round in surprise, as he watched me inch away. His hot breath ghosted over my lips.

 _I love you._ I wanted to tell him. But instead, different words escaped from my lips. “Sleep now, Brian.”

I closed my eyes and buried my face on his chest. I could still hear his heart beating loudly. And it hurt… it hurt a lot. The fact that I am here, but still torn between the two of them. I chose him… but I know that my choice wasn’t something that is lasting. It’s temporary. Because I was in a fake world that knows no Jae… but when it’s time to come back to reality… I’m afraid I won’t be making the same choice.

I want to be with him… I really do… I don’t want him to hurt because of me. And maybe I’ll just face the repercussions of my impulsive actions later… when I’m finally ready. When I’m ready to come back.

I couldn’t sleep again. Minutes passed and I was still awake, still have my face on his broad chest. His breathing has already stabilized and deepened, a sign that he was already asleep. Soft snores could also be heard. I shifted carefully to lie back on the bed with his arm still around my shoulders, enveloping me.

Slowly, I raised my hand and traced his features with my fingers. His brows were a little furrowed and I smiled as I gently straightened them. I traced his eyes, down to his pointed high-bridged nose, playfully feeling his breath on my index finger. He seemed to be in a deep slumber, and I wonder what he was dreaming of?

Brian unconsciously smiled in his sleep and I heard him murmur incoherent words, slurring as each utter of these words tug the ends of his lips into smiles. My fingers shifted from his nose to his left cheek where a dimple lies.

His dimple that rarely shows. I smiled to myself as I poked it gently, and I watched how Brian scowled in his sleep. I giggled softly as I moved, slowly advancing towards him again to plant a kiss on his lips.

“I love you, Brian.” I whispered, voice trembling.

My eyes started to feel hot again with tears pooling on them. I quickly wiped them away and took a deep breath. “I'm sorry I can't tell you that... I wish I could love you freely… so you’d never have to get hurt again.”

I touched his hair carefully, remembering what he said. He said he cut his hair because he was trying to move on from me.

“After this… if I hurt you again… I wonder if you’ll cut your hair short again?” I queried, despite knowing the fact that I wouldn’t get an answer from him because he was asleep.

“You told me… you don't care if we don't have a label... If I love him... as long as there's a small part of my heart that I can give to you… that it’s enough…” I continued caressing his forehead with my fingers. “I’m sorry…”

For the nth time, I slept with a heavy heart.

The next day, I woke up with Brian peppering kisses again all over my face.

I groggily opened my eyes and scowled at him. “What are you doing? Are you a dog?”

Brian raised a brow. “Dogs lick, not kiss. Unless you want me to lick your face? I mean, I’d do anything you want me to.”

I hit him on his arm in embarrassment. “Shut up!”

He smiled widely. “Make me.”

I rolled my eyes and blatantly ignored him. I turned to the other direction, and realized that I still had his arm under my head as pillow. Brian pulled me back to him and held my chin.

“Okay, I’ll make myself shut up on my own.” then he crashed his lips on mine.

As if all the cuddles during last night wasn’t enough, we also spent the whole day snuggling next to each other. I wanted to go out but Brian just wouldn’t let me. He said he wanted to be lazy this day. It was strange, knowing Brian, he’s the kind of person who could eat a whole buffet all by himself. But today, he didn’t even bother going out to get food.

I was getting impatient. I feel like he went here to starve me to death. It was already 6 in the evening.

I removed the comforter that Brian pulled over my head. I shot him a glare. “Bri, I have to shower now. Can you leave?”

Brian shook his head like a child with tantrums. He then buried his face on the nook of my shoulders and started trailing kisses there. “It’s okay, you don’t smell bad even if you haven’t showered yet.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but I can’t say the same about you.”

Brian pulled away and shot me back a glare. I chortled at his annoyed reaction. “I was kidding. Just get out. I want to shower. You go get dinner.”

He shook his head. “Let’s just go out and eat.”

That was how we ended up going to an Izakaya bar in Omoide Yokocho, a narrow alley near Shinjuku Station West Exit. The street is full of red lanterns and the air is tethered in smoke, but the place is clammed with tourists. There are only 5-6 seats in the kitchen counter of most Izakayas here and it was quite difficult for us to find a place. From what I’ve heard, even locals find it difficult to take seats here. So we just gave up on drinking and found a small restaurant where we can actually eat.

After eating dinner (Brian ate like, 4 servings of what I ordered), we ended up watching a live show of a band Brian likes. I think the band’s name is Luck Life? The venue was also filled with people, I guess they’re popular. They started performing the song _Namae wo Yobu yo_ and everyone started to jam with the band. Bizarrely, I was enjoying even though I barely know them.

I gazed at Brian and watched how the gleam of colourful lights fell on him while he stood there in the middle of the sea of people, with a radiant smile on his face.

He looked ethereal. For a moment, I saw what he must look like normally. I mean, he looked really… normal. He wasn’t the Brian Kang that women chases and surround 24/7, he wasn’t the business administration student who aces his subjects despite everything that goes on in his life that doesn’t involve academics, he’s not the heir of Kang Chains of Hotels. He was just him. He was just Brian Kang, who wants to enjoy his life… who enjoys music more than anything in the world.

I pulled the hem of his shirt to pry his attention. He turned to me while raising his brows. I leaned closer to him to whisper. “You’re amazing.”

“What?” he asked as he leaned down, while he snaked his arm on my waist, pulling me closer to him.

I shook my head and smiled. Brian looked confused, so I just tugged the lapels of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.

I felt him smile against the kiss. “Was that what you wanted to tell me?”

My cheeks instantly flared into crimson. I didn’t respond. Instead, I turned my attention back to the band. As if on cue, people started screaming as the band started singing another song entitled _Kaze ga Fuku Machi_ , so I pretended to scream with them even though I don’t really know the song.

We spent the next few days travelling around Tokyo. We went Izakaya Bar Hopping the next night and luckily, we managed to take seats in each Izakaya. Turns out, it was really difficult back in Omoide Yokocho but not that difficult in other alleys. We bantered a lot during our pub hopping because Brian didn’t want me to drink (but gave in anyway because he knew I wouldn’t let him tell me what to do), but it was fun. I enjoyed drinking sake and eating Japanese pub food. Of course, Brian was happier because he got to eat a lot.

December 30 came and New Year was approaching. Brian and I decided to go to the shopping center near Tokyo Bay to buy new clothes and also stroll around. I finally got to buy new pairs of shoes and clothes, also proper underwear. Ever since we went here, it only snowed that day, which didn’t even last long.

“Sugar…” Brian called as he intertwined our hands.

I turned to him and hummed. He beamed me a smile before glancing at his wristwatch.

“Let’s go.” He reached for my hand and intertwined it with his, before he led the way. His other hand was carrying the paper bags of all the stuff I bought. I told him I can carry them myself but he insisted on doing it.

We stopped at a restaurant serving Korean cuisine, perhaps Brian remembered that I was craving for Korean food since last night. Brian excused himself first and said he has something to buy first while we were waiting for the food to be served, so I was left alone in the table.

I fished my phone from my bag and saw messages from Nayeon, my mom, and even Jae. I furrowed my forehead while contemplating whether I’ll read them or not. It was only today that I found my phone again, I lost it the other day in my room so I wasn’t able to read messages from anyone. Before I could even open them, I was startled by a male’s voice calling my name.

“Jaemi?” I looked up at where the voice came from.

I was surprised to see who called me but smiled at him nevertheless. “Hey, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung was wearing another white button-down shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows, just like the first time I saw him. He smiled back at me before sitting on the chair across me. “Who knew I’d meet you again, and here in Tokyo for that matter?”

Yeah, why the fuck did you appear again before me?

“Can I share with you in this table? There’s no vacant table around…” he asked, to which I nodded since I was aware of how full the restaurant was.

I watched uncomfortably as he continued speaking while sitting in front of me. I looked around, searching for signs of Brian approaching. I sighed in relief when I saw none.

“You’re spending your holiday break here too, I guess? Who are you with?” he queried, still wearing that stupid smile on his face which I admit, made him look extra good-looking than he already was.

“Ah, I’m—”

“Who else do you think she’d be with?” I closed my eyes firmly when I heard that voice. I felt an arm draping on my shoulder and the chair beside me moved, appraising me that he sat there. His arm then moved from my shoulders down to my waist.

As I opened my eyes, Brian pulled me closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. “Of course she’d be with me.”

Jinyoung laughed at what he just saw. Nice. There went the territorial Brian again, and Jinyoung just became the collateral damage again of his possessiveness. Brian's jaw clenched. “Stop laughing if you still want your jaw to be intact. What the fuck are you even doing here?”

I panicked as I remembered that one time at the bar where he beat the pervert to a pulp. I looked up at Brian, gazing at how his eyes were burning in fury, like he’s ready to beat the fuck out of Jinyoung. I took a deep breath before scooting closer to him and whispered to his ear. “Baby, calm down…”

His expression softened almost immediately, and I watched how his eyes widened in surprise as he averted his gaze from Jinyoung to me. His eyes remained round, like he just saw a ghost. I shifted on my seat and turned to Jinyoung, smiling at him awkwardly.

“Uhh… I’m sorry, I hope you don’t get offended but… can you just, move to another table instead?” I bit my lip and uncomfortably watched his smile fade away.

Jinyoung laughed awkwardly after and nodded. “Yeah, sure. I understand.” He stood up shortly after, taking his number with him and started searching for another table. I felt bad looking at him, but luckily, a couple were about to leave so he was able to sit immediately.

I gazed back at Brian and my brows creased when I witnessed his still stunned face, still looking at me dumbfounded.

Not long after, our food arrived. I ordered kimchijjiggae and so did he, but he also ordered ramen and soon enough our table was filled with a lot of side dishes. Brian was still looking at me but this time, his forehead was slightly puckered and his gaze was piercing. He wasn’t saying a word and I was getting annoyed by how he was staring at me openly but wordlessly.

I sighed and took a spoon of kimchijjiggae and started feeding him. He only stared at the spoon so some of the soup spilled on his shirt. I hissed and placed it back to the bowl and immediately wiped his shirt.

“What’s wrong with you?” I inquired, annoyed.

I gazed up at him and his expression became gentle again, his ears were in a deep flush of red. “What… did you call me earlier?”

“What?” I squinted my eyes at him, trying to remember what he was talking about. “What did I call you? What do I call you? Did I… call you Young K?”

He palmed his face before taking a deep breath. He took one last glance at me and then proceeded to eating his beloved ramen with a scowl on his face. I laughed inwardly as I watched him, and then I started eating too. It was difficult for me to swallow my food while I felt an imaginary lump on my throat again as it tightened in pain. My heart was yet again burning.

_I’m sorry, I can’t say it again..._

I didn’t even notice the time anymore, Brian was still leading me to places, most of those were spots where we would eat. I mean, he would eat. He literally eats every food he sees.

“Sugar, let’s go.” he told me and I didn’t even notice that the sun was setting already.

“Are we leaving already?” I looked up at him. He only smiled at me and squeezed my hand. We started walking aimlessly and I had to hug myself as the cold winter air blew my hair and kissed my skin, making me shiver.

I realized that we were actually heading to the port in Tokyo Bay and I just found myself standing before a luxury yacht.

“It’s time for a night cruise, sugar.” Brian smiled, gazing at me full of affection.

The interior screamed one thing: elegance. Everything in the space was all balanced, beautiful, and uplifting. The yacht was heavily ornate, featuring a subtle off white hull and white superstructure with grey accents. There were also a few people which I assume, they all work for Brian’s family?

“Why are we here…” my voice backed away when we passed by an insanely long dining table full of glasses and plates and utensils and stuff you don’t usually see at a normal dining area. Huge paintings were hung on the wall and lamps were on each window at the side.

I knew that Brian was rich… I mean, we’re not poor either. But we’re not on this level of rich. He's indeed filthy rich. He literally lives like a king.

It just sucks that he has to enjoy this kind of life alone and away from his parents.

We headed straight to the main aft deck. Brian slid the glass door and there came the sunset at view. The chilly wind continued to blow my hair away and Brian chuckled, before taking the pony tail I always have on my wrist, and slowly tied my hair. I looked up at him in confusion and he only smiled.

I spent the next hour feeding my eyes with the beautiful scenery the Tokyo bay offered me as we went with the night cruise. It was already dark and clouds have shrouded the sky, completely hiding the moon. But as dark as the sky was, the lights from the tall buildings from afar were coruscating. Brian called me shortly after for our dinner.

We were served with a multicourse meal of Korean cuisine served in an elegant setting. We didn’t even get inside anymore. We just ate our dinner at the main deck. Surprisingly, Brian only ate a little. I figured it was because he already ate a lot the whole day.

I went back to admiring the cityscape and beamed at the iridescent night time view of the Rainbow Bridge as we passed by it. It’s not my first time seeing it, but I just couldn’t help but be completely at awe being in this yacht with him. I smiled as I listened to music from the speakers in the deck. I then felt hot breath blowing on my neck and arms enveloping me into a warm hug.

“Are you tired?” Brian whispered to my ear as he planted a soft kiss on the skin just below it.

I shook my head and held his hands that were in front of me as he was hugging me. I faced him and beamed him a smile. Brian sighed as he tightened the hug and kissed my hair.

 _Moon River_. It was the song playing, the one by Audrey Hepburn.

He loosened his embrace and I slowly spun around to face him completely, feeling my back bump on the grills. Brian raised his hand to remove my pony tail, letting the wind gently blow my hair. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands rested on my waist.

Slowly, we danced to the soft music. I never imagined that the Tokyo Bay would be this beautiful at a night like this, the moonlight was a diffuse ocean above us, lessening the inky blackness of the night, and the stars speckled and glittered in the heavens above.

"Oh, sugar... you drive me insane... and I don't mind keeping my sanity at bay if in exchange I can have you close to me like this..." he whispered as we slowly swayed, eyes not leaving each other.

I reached for his hair and gently caressed it. “You can’t get used to this…”

He momentarily stopped to catch my hand and then kissed my knuckles fondly. “Choose me…”

My lips trembled as I watched how he affectionately held my hand to his cheek. There went the underlying pain again that I was blatantly ignoring to pretend that everything is going well.

“I love you, Jaemi…” his lips found their way to my forehead. Brian planted kisses on my forehead, then the tip of my nose, until his lips were before mine. “I’m so whipped… I’m badly smitten…”

We shared another kiss, every movement full of feverish agony. My heart hurt so much, and I was reminded of the thing I’ve been refusing to believe in for the past few days.

All good things come to an end.

When I’m with Brian, I don’t think about Jae. It’s almost as if we have built a whole new world where Jae didn’t exist. Like Jae was only an afterthought, a memory I try to bury in the past. But as soon as Brian leaves, thoughts of Jae swallow me whole, drowning me in seas of remorse as waves of regrets come crashing in before I could even get up, and I wouldn’t survive until I find my way back to Brian’s arms.

Jae… My heart ached at the longing of being in his embrace again.

It’s wrong… My fickle heart knows that being with Brian is wrong… and I’m scared. Because deep in my heart, I know that once Jae appears before me, my heart will swerve lanes again, and the part of it that told me that being with Brian was right will disappear. And I don’t want to hurt Brian again.

But out of the list of all the things I can’t do, one thing remains on top.

“I love you, sugar…” he mumbled for the nth time, now trailing kisses on my jawline, until his lips were again attached to mine. He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, softly humming to Moon River as we continued to slowly dance to the music.

_I can’t… hurt Jae._

Tears. There went another stream of hot tears falling from my eyes, and Brian gently wiped them away.

Something remains to be lacking. Something remains to wound my heart—torturing it, inflicting pain to my entirety.

_And if this pain doesn’t go away soon, I won’t be able to love Brian completely._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> hey, talk to me


	14. Chapter 14

I woke up early the next day, and the smallest movement made my forehead bump on Brian’s chin. I rubbed my eyes, eyelids still heavy. Brian’s slow and hot breath blew against my hair.

The small lamp on the bedside table behind me illuminated the room, the rays of which falling across his sleeping face. I smiled to myself as my hand cupped his cheek lightly.

He looked so serene sleeping like this… If I didn’t know who he was, I would not even dare associate the words _crude_ , _vulgar, arrogant,_ and _dangerous_ with him. I wouldn’t think he was the womanizer Brian Kang who has a schedule of girls. The heartbreaker who has made almost every girl in our university cry.

My fingertips gently traced the ends of his eyes. His eyes that have shed countless of tears for someone so unworthy like me.

He stirred and I giggled as I watched his forehead crease a little. I moved to his forehead and straightened it lightly. My eyes continued to scan his features, as if memorizing them… like it would be the last time I would be looking at him this close.

I pinched his left cheek lightly and I watched how slowly, his eyes fluttered open, batted his eyelashes unconsciously as he tried to stare at me with heavily lidded eyes. He smiled weakly. “Hmm… Good morning, sugar…” then he closed his eyes again.

His voice was baritone low, different from how his voice usually is. Brian opened his small eyes, now even smaller as he squinted them to look at me, obviously still being yanked by sleep. He laughed lowly as he puffed his cheeks and I stared at how his lips protruded in a childish pout.

I beamed at him and enclosed both of his cheeks with my hands. His pout intensified as he blinked consecutively, dismissing the urge to doze off again. “Can I get a kiss?”

I advanced nearer and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Brian smiled against the kiss, then pouted again when I pulled away. “One more…”

Giggling, I shook my head. He batted his eyelashes and I laughed as he continuously did so. “I want another kiss…” he whined like a kid asking for a toy.

Brian puffed his cheeks to pout his lips further. I squished his cheeks before moving forward to kiss him again. Before I could pull away, he tugged me closer to snatch another kiss, and then another, followed by another. And in a swift motion, he shifted and suddenly he was on top of me.

During the whole week we spent here in Japan, all we did here in this room was to cuddle and snuggle against each other. Brian never tried to escalate things, if anything, most of the kisses he gave me were kisses on my forehead, hair, nose, and cheeks. He would just wreathe me in his arms as he lie wide awake every night… something he doesn’t know that I’m aware of… something I didn’t really expect from him.

My heart swelled at the thought that only I can see this side of him. Only I can evoke these feelings from him. Only I am the object of his affection.

This Brian Kang that is soft, gentle, and caring, in contrary to the ruthless man everyone views him as… only I can see this.

He looped an arm on my waist, and I was reminded again of the feeling when I was first fell under him. It felt the same… like this was my rightful place. Under him. Under his skin. Under his spell.

Our gazes locked as both of our smiles faded away. Brian’s breath ghosted over my lips and my heart pounded loudly inside my chest as he inched closer and closed the gap between us with a kiss that is slow and torrid. The kiss deepened gradually, like we were not in a hurry… like we were not chasing deadlines… like this moment would actually never end, and I’d never go back to reality…

It’s still vivid in my memory, how I would always steer clear from Brian… totally aware that his existence would bring nothing good to me. But here I am now, feverishly fighting for dominance as I parted my lips to make way for his tongue, thirsty for his burning touch—like my life depended on it.

“I love you…” I breathed against his lips.

Brian froze. He pulled away, agonizingly slow, gaze not tearing away from my eyes.

“What did you… say?” he asked carefully, like he was scared that what he just heard was wrong… that he just mistook it for something else.

I smiled at him and cupped both of his cheeks to pull him again for another kiss, not answering his question.

It’s enough that I told him once… it’s enough that I let him know. This way, I won’t regret, whatever comes after this.

I felt Brian cup my cheeks, making me let go of his and ascend my hands to his neck, wrapping them around it as the kiss deepened. Brian pulled away shortly after to plant soft consecutive kisses on my forehead.

No one was blunting anything. No one was breaking the ice. I closed my eyes to savor the intoxicating moment.

Hot drops of liquid started to trickle down my cheeks, and I don’t even know anymore if they were mine or his.

Brian slowly fell on top of me, burying his face on the crook of my neck, snuggling close to me, but still mindful not to squish me with his weight. I could feel his weight on me and I felt my skin get wet while soft sobs slowly reverberated in the whole silent room.

“Ah, fuck. Why are these tears falling again… I didn’t even cry when my parents sent me here to live alone because the business is more important than me.” he chuckled, tears continuing to fall on my skin.

I wiped mine away before gently ruffling his hair. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t reassure him, like how he has always reassured me that I was the only one in his life… the only woman he has ever loved.

“I will wait for you… until you’re ready to love me completely.” he whispered ever so softly, sending shivers to my spine.

I remained silent, hand still caressing his hair. Brian shifted carefully to lie beside me, removing his weight from me. He immediately enveloped his arms around my body, wrapping me in a bear hug. “Fuck… how am I going to function without you…”

I laughed softly. “Stop crying over me, you dumdum.”

He shook his head. “My tears are only for you.”

I snorted before I wiped his tears and squished his cheeks again. “It’s still early… go back to sleep, Bri…”

He sniffed before moving forward to nuzzle his nose on my cheek. “No… we’re leaving early today…”

“Where are we going today?”

“Hmm? I’ll tell you…” he pouted annoyingly. “But you should kiss me first.”

That was how we got late for the supposed departure at 6AM for Mt. Fuji and left the hotel at 10AM despite waking up _very_ early. Brian decided to just sleep it off and just spent the next 4 hours snoring beside me. That was the deepest sleep he had ever since coming to Tokyo with me. Looking at him sleeping soundly and comfortably, finally, after nights of staying up while I sleep, pinched something in my heart.

I couldn’t find it in me to wake him up, despite feeling my left arm start to benumb itself since we were practically hugging each other. I could only imagine how difficult it must have been for him to wreathe me in his embrace every night, avoiding even the slightest movement to wake me up.

 _“If I lay here… if I just lay here… would you lie with me and just forget the world?”_ Brian lazily sang to Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars as he drove to Ikebukuro instead to spend the day there, since, according to him, we were both still tired from all the walking we did yesterday and we’re not in the perfect condition to hike Mt. Fuji.

I messaged Nayeon about my whereabouts because she kept on bugging me to update her ever since I told her I was with Brian. We headed straight to Seibu Ikebukuro, a department store and of course, Brian came there to eat. I wasn’t really hungry so even my food, Brian ate them too.

So much for being a glutton. Well, a good-looking and caring glutton, for that matter.

It was also then that I found out that we are both anime and manga nerds and our main is One Piece. So after discovering that, of course we had to go to Otome Road.

Well, Otome Road is like a female-friendly equivalent of Akihabara, so I kind of expected Brian to get bored while I gush over everything I see in the place. But I was surprised to see him all giddy as I blurted out things about all the manga we find and as I told him how Kaichou wa Maid-sama remains as my ultimate favorite shoujo manga of all times, despite all good manga that came out after it.

“Well, for starters, I look better than Usui.” he said after I told him that Usui Takumi is my ideal guy and he remains superior among all my anime husbandos.

I grimaced at his remark. “How did you even know his name? Have you read this manga?”

He shrugged. “Well, I’m open to all genres when it comes to anime and manga.” He smiled as he draped an arm on my shoulder. “But One Piece remains superior.”

I gazed up at him and grinned. “You should go watch other anime… but yeah, One Piece.”

My heart felt so full looking at all novels, DVDs and cosplay outfits in the whole Mandarake store. There are also a lot of doujinshis—these are self-published manga, novels or magazines, often by amateurs. This place is like a treasure trove for us otaku girls. I’ve actually been here countless of times before, twice with… _Jae._

I took a familiar manga, one that belongs to the top of my favorite shoujo manga list. _Black Bird_.  This one’s heavy on smut, but I’m really into fantasy stuff so I easily got hooked. There’s also _Akatsuki no Yona_ , and I giggled as I was reminded of how Brian resembled Jaeha, the green dragon in the manga.

“Bri, look at this, you look like hi—” I choked on my saliva when I saw what Brian was holding.

A _yuri_ _doujinshi_ , on its cover are girls in bikinis, holding each other’s huge tits. He jolted and immediately returned the doujinshi to the shelf before beaming me an awkward smile

I could feel my blood ascending to my face, my cheeks flaring into a deep shade of red. What the fuck?!

To dismiss the awkwardness, we just laughed it off and pretended that nothing happened.

Although after that, I kind of distanced myself from Brian.

I mean… I know that we’ve done a lot of intimate stuff, he has touched me in places too (not down there, but still, places like the mounds on my chest). But it was still awkward when it’s not on the spur of the moment so…

Suddenly, the idea of coming to Akihabara with him frightened me. But then again, the Naruto nerd in me wants to buy stuff again. So, I agreed when he said we’ll go to Akihabara next time.

We headed to Sunshine City next, straight to Namco Namja Town, an indoor food theme park. We were greeted by a giant cat person as we entered and I almost fell on my knees in shock, good thing Brian was there to support me. He laughed at my reaction and I hit him in the face, which shut him up.

At the third floor lies the Ice Cream City, which I expected to be an ordinary ice cream place, but no.

My jaw dropped at the list of ice cream flavors they have. Yes, they have the usual flavors, but what caught my attention was those that were _sake, squid, whale, horse_ , and other ridiculous flavors!

“Choose your poison,” Brian chortled beside me and I rolled my eyes at him as a response. Of course I had to choose the safe one, I still don’t want to die. I chose rocky road, to which Brian rolled his eyes at.

And then he bought snake flavored ice cream for me.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I almost threw up trying to eat the ice cream… which doesn’t really taste that bad. But the thought of eating a snake flavored ice cream makes me want to puke… and that’s what was hard.

“Relax, you won’t die from eating this.” he deadpanned as he took photos of me grimacing at every spoonful I take to my mouth. I just shot him a glare while my eyes started pooling with tears, utterly disgusted with what I was eating.

In the end, he had to finish my ice cream and buy me another one in vanilla flavor.

When it was nearing evening, we finally left Ikebukuro and headed to Shinjuku. I got a message from Nayeon asking me where I would be spending the New Year’s Eve and I told her I’d probably spend it in Shinjuku.

We went to Shinjuku Southern Terrace. The evening has only started when we were walking to a certain building when suddenly I almost teared up in astonishment. Everything around me lit up in iridescent lights.

I almost forgot about the winter illumination here in Tokyo. Everywhere I set my gaze on, is glittering with aureate lights. From the trees, to the road sides, to the establishments, everything. The huge Christmas trees were illuminated by pink lights and my heart swelled at the majestic beauty before me.

I know this… it’s called Shinjuku Minami Lumi. I’ve witnessed this before… I’ve been here before during winter 2 years ago… back when I was with…

“It’s so beautiful,” Brian commented as he discreetly intertwined our fingers while we stopped in our tracks in the middle of a narrow pavement, surrounded by the bright huge trees in pink.

I turned to him and saw him looking straight to the huge colorful tree before us. My heart started to pound loudly in my chest, and it was physically painful to breathe.

This place holds so much memories… and slowly, they are starting to agonizingly resurface.

Everything… including the pain that I’ve been trying to ignore… the pain that doesn’t dare to arise when I’m with Brian… has finally arisen.

Brian took a small step forward and slowly cupped my cheeks. Slowly, he closed the gap between us in a kiss, under the trees full of lights.

As he pulled away, I turned my back on him and quickly dried my tears. I inhaled deeply, one that felt like it came with a trenchant sword stabbing me right into the heart, before smiling and turning around to face him again.

Brian smiled weakly. “You are the only one I have ever loved, sugar…”

I could only stare at him, not trusting my voice to speak up. My throat tightened in pain and I gulped, trying to swallow the imaginary lump that has been blocking the pathway for the air I’ve been desperately trying to breathe.

_I… love you... too…_

I couldn’t say it back. It hurts… to look at him looking at me lovingly, knowing too well that I love him too… but I can’t tell him that again.

Suddenly, I was scared again.

Brian reached out to hold my hand and gently squeezed it. “You must be tired already. Do you want us to go back to the hotel now?”

I shook my head and turned to the trees before us as I felt the cold breeze of wintertide blow my hair, gently kissing the skin underneath.

“Do you want to eat? I’ll go grab something… or do you want to go somewhere you can sit down?”

I shook my head again and beamed him a small smile. “I’ll wait for you here.”

Brian stared at me, trying to decipher what must be an ambiguous expression painted on my face. In the end, he sighed in defeat and nodded. He told me to wait for him and he’ll be back soon. Or if I want to, I can go somewhere, and he’ll definitely find me, to which I agreed.

I spent the next minutes walking around, admiring the nostalgic beauty before me. All I could do was to etch a wistful smile.

It was beautiful. Just like how I remembered it to be. People were happily taking photos here and there, and I remembered doing the same before. Soon, they all vacated the small pavement as an event started in the middle of the main street from afar, and they all hurried going there.

It hurts. My heart hurts so much.

Whenever I’m away from Brian, memories start to devour me. Suddenly, a pair of arms enveloped me in an embrace from behind.

I took a deep breath before breaking away from the hug. “Brian, that was quick—” my breath almost halted when I turned around and faced _him_.

“Brian?” he repeated.

I felt my extremities tremble as I took the sight of him in.

_“Jae…”_

My heart pounded, every beat of it pummelled my chest so hard. I stood there, frozen, trying to discern the thought that he was there, standing in front of me.

His eyes were swollen, and he looked so pale… his lips were quivering as I watched him bite his lower lip nervously. Jae inserted both of his hands in the pockets of his blue padding jacket.

It was getting more difficult to breathe for me as time passed by. Jae took a deep breath and chuckled as he gazed down at his shoes. “You’re really with Brian.”

My hands were trembling profusely and I couldn’t focus. My vision started to get blurry as tears pooled on my eyes, and I felt my throat burn. “W-Why… are you here…”

Jae took another deep breath, one that was excruciating to listen to. He took a step forward before wreathing me in his arms—hugging me so tight, before burying his face on the nook of my shoulder. Soon, soft sobs escaped from his lips.

“Booboo… let’s go home…”

As if on cue, tears started to cascade from my eyes.

The thing that was lacking… that was missing…

It’s here.

He broke the hug and faced me, and my heart shattered at what I witnessed.

Jae was crying.

Jae who almost never cries… is crying in front of me.

“Love, I’m sorry… please… I’m… I-I’m sorry…” I gasped when he suddenly fell on his knees and started hugging my legs. “Please... please don’t leave me…”

Listening to him beg while he’s on his knees… caterwauling like a lost child… broke my heart into millions of pieces.

I struggled to remove his hold on my legs. “Jae… stand up…”

He only shook his head and I watched as hot tears streamed down his face boundlessly. Slowly, he stood up and pulled me again into a hug. “I fucked up. I know… I know… love, please… don’t leave me…”

“Jae…” I could only call his name.

This was the deadline we pretended not to see coming.

This was where our fake world crumbles.

This was what my fickle heart was scared of… that the moment Jae appears before me, I will drop everything and run away with him.

And I will have to leave _him_.

I looked up, over his shoulders, trying to search for that familiar figure to arrive and stop me… to tell me that I should stay with him instead… but only the colorful trees came to my view.

We remained like that for quite a while before Jae finally calmed down. No one blunted a topic while we strolled around the area aimlessly and wordlessly.

Suddenly, it felt like we were reliving the memories we shared in this place years ago.

We just found ourselves at the Shinjuku Terrace City where we used to shop and eat every night during our whole trip here years ago.

I inhaled deeply before taking a glimpse on Jae who was silently walking beside me. I swallowed the lump on my throat as I mustered courage to speak first.

“How… how did you know I was here?” I asked softly while we continued to walk, the surroundings suddenly fading into a blur. Like the only thing that was important was Jae… that I was with Jae.

Jae continued to look straight ahead. “Nayeon… I begged her to tell me where you were…”

At this point, I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know if I should be mad at Nayeon or not. But then Jae resumed. “Please don’t be mad at her… She didn’t want to tell me… but maybe she just got sick of me following her anywhere, taking chances on her telling me… Maybe she just got tired of it since I kept on begging her since Christmas Eve…”

Christmas. That day when we fought… our first ever huge fight. That day, I told him to leave when he said he needed time for himself.

Christmas Eve… I was with Brian that night…

I choked back a sob, trying to keep calm as vehement emotions started to rise in my system.

The whole time I was escaping from reality, Jae was looking for me… and I had the audacity to delete his messages before I could even read them… as I lied beside another man that wasn’t him.

I’m disgusting.

I’m a scum.

Pink lights were still everywhere, but we stopped before the exit of the station where a few people were at. Snow started to fall and I shivered when the wind blew hard, blowing my hair away.

Jae advanced and tucked the stray strands of hair behind my ear. Our gazes met and my heart ached as my eyes scanned how exhausted he looked. He looked like he hasn’t slept for days… and the pockets in his cheeks that was once there has disappeared again. He lost weight again.

“I’m sorry…” Jae’s voice cracked as he cupped my cheeks. I watched as his eyes that looked like they held galaxies of stars in them sparkled, but not because of the stars I’ve always thought they had, but because of tears.

His lips trembled as he tried to smile weakly. “I know I told you… I needed time for myself… to do things I’ve always wanted to do… I even blamed you for not being understanding when all you ever did was to be understanding and patient with me…”

Tears started to fall again from his eyes. “I’m sorry if you felt like I was only spending time with you whenever I felt like doing so… if you felt neglected… if you felt like you had to compete with my dreams… I-I’m sorry, love…”

I closed my eyes. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. The pain in my heart that intensified at the sight of Jae crying. I felt his fingers drying my tears, even though I was perfectly aware of how he was also shedding tears.

“But Jaemi… what am I going to do with my dreams if you’re not here with me?”

Each word threw daggers to my heart. “During the whole week you were away from me… I felt like dying… I was so scared… and it must have been really difficult for you, love? How you spent your days… weeks… months… while I was there, screwing my life?”

I nodded. I remembered how I would always cry everytime he would decline my requests, telling me he had to do something else… and all I had was… Brian.

_Brian._

“Love… are you breaking up with me?” his voice was soft, but full of fear… of anguish…

I fluttered my eyes open and met his gaze.

_Brian…_

“Please, no… please don’t…” Jae’s breath ghosted over my lips. “Please stay with me…”

The noise of the people having fun and the music blaring from the speakers of the buildings a few meters from us faded in a blur.

I looked down when my phone rang inside my pocket continuously, and my heart throbbed painfully. I knew who was calling. I knew.

_It’s him._

“I know.” Jae uttered, much to my surprise. I looked back at him and he was smiling at me weakly. “It’s Brian. I know.”

We were in an open space but suddenly it was suffocating, and I couldn’t breathe properly. Jae chuckled as he wiped away his tears. “I’m not stupid. I know that that bastard is in love with you.”

I started to panic. Jae knows. Jae fucking knows.

“How the fuck could he do this to me,” he laughed bitterly while facing the other direction as he wiped another stray tear from his eyes.

I love Jae. I fucking love him. So much. So fucking much. And I’m disgusted with myself. I did this to him. I cheated on him.

I don’t deserve him.

“But I don’t care.” he turned to me. “I don’t care… as long as you stay with me. Just choose me… love, please…”

I knew… deep in my heart, I knew that what I did was just a result of my impulsiveness. But I wanted to be with Brian. I harboured feelings for him. I knew that it was wrong, but I still wanted him. I wanted him in the worst and most painful way, and now I have to face my consequences.

I was aware, so why am I confused now? It’s time to come clean with Jae, apologize… to ask for his forgiveness.

But if I do so… it would only mean that I will finally let _him_ go.

Jae was the first man I have ever loved… and I loved him with my whole heart and soul. With him, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel like I am worth it. All I wanted was reassurance… and now he’s giving it to me. He’s finally giving it to me.

“I can’t condemn you…” Jae breathed against my ear as he pulled me for another hug. “It’s my fault that this happened… if only I didn’t neglect you… and if only I wasn’t too stupid to entrust you to him.”

 _Why did you even entrust me to him?_ I wanted to ask him, but he beat me to it and answered it, as if reading my mind.

“I’m sorry… it was my responsibility as your boyfriend… but you had to find comfort in another guy… I’m sorry, this is all my fault…” he was crying again.

“I’m sorry for everything… but love, I can’t lose you… Please stay with me… please take me back…”

Guilty tears continued to roll down my face as I felt Jae caress my hair gently.

I love him. I love Jae. I love him so much. I can’t just throw away the three years we spent together just because of this… just because of a mistake.

_What have I done?_

“I cheated on you… why are you still here?” I asked tearfully, heart shattering into millions of pieces.

Jae moved away and faced me, smiling at me tiredly. “I love you… and I don’t think I will ever love someone as much as I have ever loved you…”

_What have I done?_

“We’re both at fault, booboo… I understand you. I-I’m sorry… please forgive me…” tears started to pool again in his eyes and it broke me even more.

Jae reached for both of my hands and squeezed them gently. “Do you still love me?”

I couldn’t respond. I know that I love him… but I love another man too. And I wish that feelings can disappear instantly as soon as you wish to let them go.

“Jaemi, do you love me?” he repeated, eyes screaming fear. He looked so scared of what I would give him as a response.

I closed my eyes and slowly nodded. “I love you…”

“Then that’s enough.”

I know that it wasn’t enough. I know that Jae is furious… deep down, he is furious. Why wouldn’t he be? I cheated on him… with his best friend, of all people.

I love him so much… I can’t lose Jae… I can’t hurt Jae…

I’m hurting him… I know that I’m hurting him…

I don’t want to hurt him anymore.

A restricting panic began to rise inside me when I felt Jae cup both of my cheeks as he tried to inch closer to kiss me. I pushed him away gently as tears fell from my eyes.

Jae looked straight into my eyes. I averted my gaze, heart pounding loudly inside my chest. He shook his head. “He kissed you… didn’t he?”

I couldn’t utter anything. It pained me so much to answer him… even if I knew that he was already aware of what my answers would be.

Jae cupped my cheeks again. “I don’t care. These lips are mine.” he whispered before kissing me fervently. “Only mine, booboo.”

I melted at his every touch. A part of my heart was screaming something… that I should stop. That I should run away and come back to _him_.

But I don’t want to listen to my stubborn heart again. I don’t want to make perverse decisions again. I have decided. I’m choosing Jae.

It’s time to stop this stupidity. It’s time to step away from hesitance. It’s time to repent for my sins. I’m choosing Jae. I’m going to make up for everything I’ve done to him.

These feelings I had for Brian… they will disappear someday. Maybe not now, but someday. I love him… but he was never the right choice in the first place.

“I love you, booboo… please stop crying…” he caressed my hair gently, full of love, like the Jae that I used to know.

The Jae that I loved so much.

_“If I lose you… I will lose myself too…”_

The fireworks were beautiful. I gazed at the sky while my head rested on Jae’s shoulder as he wrapped me in his embrace in the car on our way to the airport. The clock struck twelve, and it was already the beginning of a new year.

The moment I sat inside the plane, I took my phone out and saw a hundred of missed calls and texts from Brian. I opened some of them and I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. Jae looked at me and wiped my tears away.

_Brian:_

_Sugar… where are you? I’m back to where I left you earlier._

**-**

_Brian:_

_Did you go buy something? Please reply._

**-**

_Brian:_

_Did something happen? Please reply. I’m worried._

**-**

_Brian:_

_Sugar, please reply… I’m honestly scared right now… did something happen? Where are you? Please tell me you’re alright. Please…_

**-**

_Brian:_

_I love you… please reply…_

And tons of messages more. I opened the most recent text and I felt my heart break again… like it wasn’t already broken.

_Brian:_

_Please come back… I love you so much… please come back to me… I’ll be better… just come back to me…_

I love you Brian. I love you so fucking much… but it’s not right. It can never be right. You can never be the right choice. I shouldn’t stay with you… because it’s never going to work out.

I told you I love you… and that’s enough that you knew.

_Me:_

_I’m sorry. Please don’t wait for me anymore._

If I stay with you, I will only hurt you. I will just make you cry. That’s why this has to stop. This is the least that I can do for you.

I turned my phone off shortly after and snuggled closer to Jae.

_I love you, Brian._

_I love you._

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> Please talk to me, luvs. ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ  
> Also, I appreciate comments a lot. :)
> 
> I might go on a hiatus, but I'm not yet sure.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to split this long chapter into two, but I didn't know where I should cut it. lol.
> 
> so here you go, have this long-ass chapter. :)
> 
> the song mentioned is entitled "사랑했지만" (Though I Loved You).

I felt the same cold shivers on my spine and butterflies on my stomach as he stared into my eyes, as if invading my soul through his gaze.

"I love you," Jae whispered as he closed the distance between our lips.

I could feel his love as he kissed me passionately... and at the same time, I felt pain. Painful bolt of guilt struck me right into my heart. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt him like this.

He then ceased the kiss and faced me.

"Do you love me?" he asked, his eyes begging for assurance.

I had mine closed firmly as sharp pang of guilt attempted to overpower me. "Y-you know that I do love you—"

_"Liar."_

I opened my eyes and his brown orbs met mine. The lovely emotion that was once there has vanished and anger replaced it.

"You love me? But you love him too?"

I was left with no words. He turned away from me and I could do nothing but gawk at him as my tears cascaded boundlessly down my cheeks, my heart piercing in so much pain.

 _“Love…”_ I heard his voice just as he disappeared from my line of sight. _“Love, wake up…”_

I woke up, breathing heavily. Jae was looking at me while we lie beside each other on his bed. “You’re having a nightmare, booboo…”

I looked around and saw the dark sky from the window not too far from the bed. Right. I was in his place. I was here since yesterday, but we never had any decent conversation since coming back to Korea.

Jae sighed as he languidly tucked the stray strands of hair to the back of my ear and wiped my tears. I jolted at his touch and moved away. I can’t… I can’t stand the sensation of his touch knowing too well how I did him wrong.

“Booboo…” he cooed as he scooted closer to pull me on my waist towards him. I still couldn’t look at him in his eyes.

“Please look at me…” he pleaded. Jae softly caressed my hair and buried my face on his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head and at that moment, I burst into tears.

“Jae… let’s break up…” I told him.

Jae didn’t respond. He continued nuzzling my hair, every contact shattering my heart. He remained silent and I tried to break away from his embrace, but to no avail, he just held me tighter.

“Jae, I don’t deserve you.” my voice cracked as I uttered amidst loud sobs. “And you don’t deserve someone like me—”

“I don’t care.”

I sobbed again, heart wrenching painfully with every caress he does to my head.

Jae hugged me even tighter, “You’re not the only one at fault here. I made him—”

“I’m the only one to be blamed!”

I pushed him with all my remaining strength, and my heart broke at the sight of Jae looking at me crestfallenly.

“Why are you even doing this? You… you shouldn’t do this. If anything, I should be the one begging for you to take me back… I should—”

“I can’t lose you...” Jae closed his eyes and swallowed painfully, his lips starting to tremble. “I have my fair share of mistakes. It’s not like you just went to him and started something… I know! I know that I was the one who pushed you away… Fuck, thinking about neglecting you for a year and ghosting you months after… fuck… I understand… But please, d-don’t leave me… Don’t choose him over me… I…” tears started to roll down his cheeks and it pained me even more.

“I realized that I can’t… I can’t lose you like this… I can never lose you…”

I’ve already lost track of how long it has been since our relationship started to crumble… It was almost 2 years ago... it was a really long time of suffering, of asking for reassurance but got none. I’ve always been patient with him… because I can’t lose him too. I can’t lose Jae. But I know that I was the one who cheated. I was the one who lied. I shouldn’t be blaming him that I fell for another man. I am the only one to be blamed.

“It took me so long before realizing my mistakes… I’m sorry, love… You’re… you’re far more important than my freedom. You’re more important than my dreams. What will I do with them if I’m going to lose you?”

_Jae, please stop…_

Slowly, he reached for my hand and started to kiss my knuckles that eventually got wet by his tears.

“Jae…” I softly called his name as hot tears continued to fall from my eyes.

He shook his head. “W-When… When did it start?”

I swallowed the painful lump on my throat and prayed that my voice wouldn’t falter as I mustered courage to answer him.

“It was… sometime in March last year…”

My heart ached as I recalled how it all started… when Brian told me he was in love with me, out of the blue. I didn’t believe him at first, I mean, it was really unbelievable. And it took me months to actually feel how sincere his feelings were…

“But… I pushed him away... it was only… like, four months after… when I… when I…” I couldn’t even finish what I was saying, afraid that it would only break Jae more. “But it was only for a while… I came back to you because I couldn’t stomach it anymore… but then you… you left me again for months…”

Jae nodded, like he actually understood why it happened… like he acknowledges that he left me again after I decided to stop. “Do you… love him?”

I fell silent.

How do I break it out to him without breaking his already shattered heart?

 _I love him._ I wanted to tell him. I wanted to say how being with Brian fixed everything that I prayed to heal… even if I kept on pushing him away. Even if all I did was to suppress my feelings for him, in hopes of them not growing any bigger. I wanted to say how I was so stupid to fall for Brian just because I craved for Jae’s assurance which he failed to give me. I wanted to say how badly I fucked up, so he would stop and realize that he doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve a cheater. He doesn’t deserve a liar. He doesn’t deserve a scum in his life.

Jae nodded again, as if taking my silence as a _Yes_.

He smiled at me weakly and painfully, “But I love you too.”

_Jae, you shouldn’t._

_You shouldn’t anymore._

It hurts me to know that I’m hurting him. My heart hurts so much whenever I see him crying for me. Jae has always been in control of his emotions. He doesn’t cry easily. Seeing him like this…

“I love you so much and it’s enough that you still love me… even if you love him too… or if you love him more… it doesn’t matter to me. Just… stay with me… I will make you forget him… I will make up for everything, for the times we lost… the times I left you because I was an asshole… just please don’t leave me…”

I shifted my gaze to the flickering colorful lights on the wall of his room. I remembered the cityscape from Brian’s place, and I was reminded of how much I loved lights. I remembered how we are good as blind without light... how beautiful it is... how people would always go for the beautiful things and never the ugly ones.

Cheating is never beautiful.

Love isn’t always beautiful.

Forgiveness is never ugly… but it’s not always for everyone.

Is it really enough that he loves me? That I still love him too, but now no longer with my whole heart?

_“Please let me own your whole heart again…”_

Will this be enough?

“For all the times you forgave me because I was a jerk who left you hanging… made you feel like you had to compete with my dreams… this is nothing. I will always take you back. I’ve done bigger mistakes and I did worse… you won’t even forgive me anymore if I add them all up. So please… stay with me…”

How can we say that one thing is right and the other is wrong? Is the judgment really always ours to make?

With all my crestfallen heart, slowly, I nodded.

"You don't have to beg… I'm coming with you." I tried my best not to choke on my tears as I dried his.

_"I'm choosing you, Jae."_

I spent the following days in the comfort of my own room in our house. I’ve decided to choose Jae, but my heart still aches in so much guilt whenever I look at him. I would break down, sobbing for what felt like hours. It took me a whole week before coming back to my university, which I regret not long after.

“Is… is she here? Can I please talk to her?”

My heart pounded painfully when I heard _his_ voice.

I couldn’t breathe. My legs started to shake as I scurried towards the door for storage in our organization’s office to hide. My throat was burning in pain and my vision started to get blurry again with the tears that were threatening to fall.

Wonpil was standing in front of the main door which was only a little over 1 meter away from me and I noticed how he glanced momentarily towards my direction, and then back to Brian who was trying to enter the office.

Wonpil shook his head. “She’s not here. She just left.”

From my spot, I could see Brian, and even from afar, he looked distressed. He looked so out of it, like he hasn’t slept for nights. He looked pale too and I tried so hard not to give in and just run towards him.

“Wonpil, please… I just… I just want to talk to her…” Brian’s voice was low and shaky, like he had no strength left and was holding on to his life as he search for me here.

“She’s really not here. Just go find her somewhere else, you’re going to disturb the other officers, we’re busy right now.” Wonpil tried to close the door but Brian immediately stopped him and stood in the little space in between.

Nobody was actually inside the office except me and Wonpil. I closed the door of the storage room in panic. Tears continued to cascade down my face, drenching my skirt as they fell on it, not ceasing.

“I know she’s here! Let me talk to her… Please… or just let me see her… Please, Wonpil… I just want to see her…” it was painful listening to him beg Wonpil like that while I was here, silently crying and praying that he will finally leave.

“She’s not here! See? I’m the only one here!” I was taken aback when Wonpil started to raise his voice. “And if she was here, she’d talk to you if she wanted to. You’re not stupid. You should know what the past few days meant.”

The office fell silent afterwards. I was holding my breath the whole time, struggling to dismiss the urge to come out and run to him with open arms. It was so hard, even after I heard the door close and click.

“He already left,” Wonpil said as he opened the door of the storage room.

I couldn’t utter a single word for a while and Wonpil didn’t try to talk to me either, he just continued entering data in the computer while I sat there, dazed.

“T-Thank you…” I finally said.

Without looking at me, he responded. “So you’re back with Jae?”

I couldn’t confirm what he just said, and I couldn’t deny it either. Of all people, Wonpil was the most unpredictable one. I don’t know just how much he knows and what he doesn’t, and it’s scary. I never actually thought about him being overly observant to this extent.

“Figures,” he shrugged. “That’s why Brian looks like that for days now while looking for you everywhere, and I happen to be everywhere. Why does he have to always ask me? It’s not like I’m the only person who sees you.”

His words rang in my head. Brian has been looking for me… while I was out there hiding. My heart ached again. I’m hurting him again.

Brian, please, just set me free…

Wonpil finally turned to me and stared at me. “I’m not taking anyone’s side here.” He sighed. “We always choose the wrong people for ourselves. But Jaemi, if you’re going to choose, make sure you don’t regret your choice and you stand firm for your decision, whatever happens next.”

His words didn’t leave my head for days—days I spent again hiding in our house where I’m sure he can’t go to. But I know that I can’t hide forever, and like Wonpil said, I have to choose and take responsibility for my decision.

I still couldn’t believe how I ended up here, my body moved on its own while my mind was reeling. I realized all too late that I actually ended up at the last place I wanted to be at. It’s been almost a week since that conversation I had with Wonpil, and now I have started to feel numb; in contrast to the aching pain and the never-ending misery I felt since _that night_.

Eventually, I had to go out and meet Nayeon and tell her everything, as well as Jimin. We decided to meet up in the bar where Jae told me their band would be performing that night. I knew that I eventually had to _meet him_. And it took me a lot of courage before agreeing to Jae that I’d watch him play.

Like the usual, the bar was filled with musky scent of beer and sweat from different people. Jae said they will arrive by 8PM, whereas Nayeon, Jimin and I planned to come at 7. They were already there when I arrived and I had to sit in the middle of them on the sofa. We were at the table just in front of the small stage where bands perform sometimes.

“What are we going to talk about?” Jimin had to ask since no one was breaking the silence that wrapped the three of us, despite the noise that was surrounding us.

Nayeon looked at me sadly as if she was pitying me. I took a deep breath and ducked my head as I stared at my hands, fidgeting with my fingers.

“I… cheated on Jae…” I uttered softly, not sure if they actually heard me as the music blared from the bar’s speakers.

“You… what?” it was Jimin.

I looked up at her, and she looked so confused. Her forehead was a little creased as she stared at me, waiting for an answer.

I bit my lip. “I cheated on Jae with Brian.”

Nayeon patted my back as my shoulders started to move up and down in a staggered rhythm, while my breathing got heavier and heavier.

I expected Jimin to be mad. She was also Jae’s friend—they’ve been friends even before I came into the picture. She knew Jae better than me, and I don’t expect her to take this lightly. And I understand. I understand too well. Jae is too kind to be treated like this.

“How… how could you…” her lips were trembling. “What happened?”

A question that I didn’t know how to answer.

_What happened?_

“Is Jae mad?” she queried again to which I shook my head to.

“He still… took you back?”

“He did…”

Jimin nodded slowly, and I prepared myself to receive painful words from her. After all, before I became her friend, Jae was her friend. If she would take a side, she would never choose mine. After all, I was the cheater. I was the liar. Not Jae.

She did not respond. She was silent the whole time, and I don’t know how to approach her. She didn’t even bother gazing at me again after, and all I could do was to keep quiet too as Nayeon held my hand, trying her best to comfort me.

I wish it was that easy.

“Hey!” I closed my eyes when I heard a familiar voice roaring from afar. It was Sungjin, which only means they have arrived already.

Soon enough, the sofa was crowded with everyone and Dowoon had to take a separate chair to sit with us. I took a deep breath as my eyes searched for the person I was dreading to face.

And _he_ was there. Sitting across me, his eyes fixated on the ice bucket on the table.

“You’re already here, love?” it was Jae. Nayeon stood up to make way for him so we could sit beside each other. Jae smiled at me and pecked my cheek. I smiled back at him despite feeling my legs start to quiver.

The bar was laying in dimmed, muted light—the air started to get stuffy and I struggled to gasp for air. Soon enough, bright lights flickered from different angles of the place. The flashing lights were blinding when amalgamated with the deafening sound of the bass drum of the current band playing.

People were jumping drunkenly, swaying from side to side in time with the music.

“Ohh, so lover boy isn’t broken-hearted anymore?” Sungjin commented from the side and chortled.

Jae laughed too and snaked his arm on my waist. “Are you hungry?”

I shook my head and shifted uncomfortably, growing more and more conscious of _his_ presence. My eyes unintentionally glanced at him, and he was still there, staring at the ice bucket, not uttering a single word.

The band started to play a mellow song and Jae rested his chin on my shoulder, shamelessly kissing the bare skin that was peeking from my blouse.

“What do you guys want to eat?” Wonpil inquired as he took the can of beer I was supposed to drink earlier. “How about you Brian? What do you want?”

I felt Jae’s embrace tighten as we all looked at Brian. Brian just shook his head without even looking at anyone.

“That’s weird… you’re always the first one to choose food,” Dowoon mentioned. “Why are you not saying anything?”

“Dowoon’s right. Why aren’t you saying anything, Brian?” Jae remarked, his every word dripping with sarcasm. My breath hitched when Brian looked up and shot Jae a glare, and then shifted his gaze to me.

And then his expression softened.

Please… Don’t look at me like that… Don’t look at me at all…

“Speak up.” Jae said, provoking him.

Brian looked back at Jae, eyes so cold they sent shivers to my back. “What do _you_ want me to say?”

Jae didn’t respond and instead, they battled with their stares. Everyone else looked confused as to why they were suddenly fighting, fortunately Wonpil was there to remind them that they were supposed to go to the stage already.

I let out a sigh of relief as soon as they stood up and went up the stage. People started to scream—their band is actually a regular performer here and people love them.

They performed three upbeat songs, one of them was “Freely”. Everyone here was enjoying. Except for me.

Especially when they started to sing a song that wasn’t theirs.

“Alright! It’s time for sweet stuff, I guess?” Sungjin exclaimed through his microphone. “Although the next song isn’t really sweet. Hehe. But it’s mellow!”

Wonpil was waving his hand. “The next song we will play is entitled _Though I Loved You._ ”

Nayeon held my arm and rested her head on my shoulder, and I know that she did that for me not to feel uncomfortable on my seat. But unfortunately, it wasn’t helping.

Jae was the first one to sing, making me gaze towards his direction. He looked serious, but he beamed me a small smile while singing.

**“Yesterday it rained from morning till night**

**Falling down from dense clouds, through the dust.”**

His voice has always been angelic—the kind of voice I would love to listen to everyday. The kind of voice that leaves your heart fluttering, the voice that makes your surroundings look like they’re painted in rainbows.

Sungjin’s raspy voice followed, and I heard the crowd go _Ooohhh._

**“Your delicate voice that filled my ears**

**Vanished in the rain.”**

And then it was _him._

**“Sometimes I will shed tears longing for you**

**Sometimes my heart will ache with loneliness.”**

Until Wonpil sang the chorus. **“Even though I loved you…”**

Everything faded into a blur as I remained looking at my hands that were resting on my lap.

My heart was beating painfully inside my chest, and I was trying my best not to burst into tears as the song went on. I was disoriented and I wanted to run away again. Because that’s where I’m good at.

I stood up, but then Jae started to go down the stage and stride towards me, making me freeze on my spot. He smiled at me weakly as he stopped playing his guitar and took it off him, while continued to sing.

**“Sometimes I will shed tears longing for you**

**Sometimes my heart will ache with loneliness.”**

My eyes were pooling with tears as I watched Jae take another step forward until he was in front of me, before enveloping me into his embrace, slowly making me rest my head on his shoulder.

Before I could even move, I heard _his_ voice next… reverberating across the whole bar. And I couldn’t stop my tears anymore.

**_“Even though I loved you…”_ **

Brian’s voice was full of anguish… like he was screaming away his pain… and my heart hurts so much because I know that I am the cause of this pain. He can see us… and how I wish he couldn’t.

**“Even though you're the one I loved**

**I was just only able to look at you from afar**

**Unable to come closer.”**

I raised my head and saw him looking at me… at us… eyes shining as lights reflected on them.

**“Although I wanted to stay close by your side**

**I had no choice but to leave…”**

Our gazes locked, Jae was still hugging me as he whispered. “Ssshh… Don’t cry…”

Brian closed his eyes. **_“Even though I loved you…”_**

It hurts so much. All he did was to love me… and everything I gave him was pain. I’m hurting him again.

My hands were shaking so badly, as well as my legs. And the moment Jae let go of me, I fell on the sofa. I felt like all my strength has been drained from everything that happened. Before the others could even notice and ask me why the hell I was crying, I rushed towards the comfort room.

I remembered what Wonpil said. I have to choose and stand firm for my decision.

I am choosing Jae. There’s no turning back now. It will break Brian again, and I will break myself too. I know for a fact that I love him, _too much_ , more than I was allowed to. Even though I wasn’t really allowed to love him in the first place.

It took a while before I was calm and presentable enough to come back to them, but to my surprise, Brian was waiting outside the comfort room.

My chest felt congested and I just wanted to run away, even though I was yearning to be in his arms again… it’s time to stop.

I’m giving him up.

“Sugar…” he softly called right before I could walk past him.

Fuck... Stop calling me that.

I gulped painfully and took a deep breath before turning to him. “Excuse me.”

“Let’s talk… please… talk to me…” Brian stood in front of me, blocking my way. I couldn’t look at him because it was too painful to do so. Every second I was around him is equal to another second that I die a slow death.

I swallowed again, praying that my voice will not crack. “I told you to not wait for me anymore. Don’t you understand what I meant? Or do I still have to spell it out for you that we’re already done?”

He languidly reached for my hand, his hold ever so gentle—like he’s still afraid to hurt me despite the amount of pain I have inflicted him up until now.

“You don’t mean it… I know…” his voice was starting to tremble, and I took another deep breath before plastering a strong façade in my face.

“Let go of me.” I tried to remove his hand but he just held it tighter.

He shook his head. “No… what about… what about us?”

His voice was dripping with despair and anguish. But no. Jaemi, don't be stupid anymore.

I mustered all my strength, even if deep inside me, I was already crumbling. "Us? There was never an _us_."

Pain flickered in his eyes as he let go of my hand limply, gaze dropping to the floor.

With a heavy heart, I used that chance to escape.

I started to run towards the exit, no longer thinking about the people inside who were expecting for me to come back. It’s too much. I can’t even find it in me to come to Jae. I just want to go home before I breakdown here.

Before I could even get near to my car, I stopped in my tracks as I felt a strong pair of arms envelope me into a hug from behind, hot breath fanning on my neck, soft sobs entering my ear.

My throat hurts so much from too much restraint I was giving myself so I wouldn’t cry, but the moment I felt this familiar warmth, I lost it.

I broke down.

“Don’t leave me…” Brian whispered as he tightened his hold.

“No… it’s over. Just let me go, Brian.” I was thankful that my voice was still full and strong, even though my insides were already crumbling at his touch… even though all I wanted was to give in and just run away with him again…

With all my remaining strength, I removed his hands that were wrapped around me and faced him.

“Brian, you should know by now that what we did was wrong… choosing you was wrong. And if I’m going to choose you again, I will be making another bad decision and—”

“No, listen to me…” he struggled to reach for my hands but I instantly swatted them away. “Listen to me—”

“No, _you_ listen to me!” I pushed him and my heart ached when I saw him looking at me with such downcast gaze. I angrily wiped my tears. “He's your best friend! Best friend, Brian! And he's my boyfriend... I don't want to hurt him anymore!”

“You don't want to hurt him?” my heart broke as I listened to his voice falter with each word, and as he stared at me dejectedly, eyes glistening with tears. “But you're fine with hurting me?”

 _No!_ I wanted to tell him. I wanted to run to him and pull him into my arms and comfort him, I want to take away all the pain he’s feeling. I want him to stop hurting… I don’t want him to suffer anymore.

I closed my eyes in attempt to cease my tears, but they just cascaded boundlessly.

“Brian, no! If we continue this, we're both going to lose him—”

“Then so be it!”

“I don't want to lose him!” I pushed him when he marched steps to stand in front of me again. "I can’t… I can't lose Jae..."

And his next words were full of poison, slowly killing me as he uttered. “And it's okay to lose me... because it's just me. I'm nothing... is that it?”

It’s difficult to make him understand… because even I can’t understand. All I know is that being with Brian is wrong, and I am hurting him. Leaving is Jae is right, but I will hurt him… and I don’t want to hurt him again. I don’t want to throw away the years we spent together because of this small crack.

This small crack that made me happy.

This small crack that became my happiness.

I have to let go of my happiness.

“Stop… stop confusing me.” I looked away, feeling the cold wind brush my skin. “We’re done… we’re over!”

Brian shook his head, his expression not changing. “You said you love me!”

“I lied!”

_No, I didn’t._

He stood there, frozen. Eyes glistening, tears threatening to fall.

And every breath I took as I looked at him was tortuous.

“I lied, okay?! I lied because you were so pitiful chasing me around. I mean, what’s with just a few days of playing with you like what you always do with your girls?”

_I never lied about that. I meant it when I told you I love you._

_I am lying now._

I hate that I am lying to him. God knows how much I love him, but I can’t just watch him destroy himself because of me.

“I don’t… I don’t believe you…” Brian attempted to grab my arm but failed, so he forcefully pulled me again into his arms. “You love me… I know… I felt it! I felt it in the way you touched me… in the way you kissed me… I know, sugar…”

I felt him trail soft kisses on my jawline and I pushed him again. Brian hissed and hugged me again. “Stop pushing me away!”

“Stop forcing yourself to me!”

Brian's lips were trembling as he rested his head on my shoulder. "You love me... you told me you love me..."

I fell silent as I listened to his pained voice, shattering my already shattered heart.

“I will wait for you… I will wait until you are free to choose me… I can always wait until you finally have time to spare for me… I will wait… I can always wait… I’ll do anything you want me to do…”

_God… why does this have to be this painful?_

He then cupped both of my cheeks. “I-If you still think that I'm playing with other girls... no! Fuck, no... I can't even stand the thought of being with someone else if not you... I've changed, sugar... P-Please believe me...”

I shook my head as I watched him cry for the nth time in front of me, all because of me.

“Don’t wait for me anymore…”

His hands ascended to the back of my head and slowly caressed my hair. “No, please... sugar.... please don't leave me... You're the only one I have...”

_You’ll find someone else, Brian… I am sure. You will find someone who can love you freely, with no conditions, with no tears and no pain._

_And I can’t be that person._

Brian’s sobs intensified, his voice breathless. “I've given you my all... if you leave me, I'll be left with nothing…”

I couldn’t speak. I remained struggling to detach from his embrace, and he continued to plead for me not to leave him.

“Please come back to me… I’ll be better… I swear, I’ll be better… I will do anything you want… just don’t leave me…”

Before I could even remove his grip, a punch fell square on Brian’s face, making him fall to the ground.

I gasped when I saw Jae furiously pull him to his feet, almost tearing the collar, and I heard the slight rasp of material ripping. He forcefully made him stand only to punch him again.

“You really have the audacity to show up here and force yourself to her, you bastard!” Jae was fuming mad and I started to panic.

Brian pushed Jae before striking him a blow, making Jae drop to the pavement. I immediately ran towards Jae and helped him stand. The side of his lips dripped with blood and he furiously wiped it, wincing along the process.

Jae struggled to stand up, ready to attack Brian again when I hugged him from behind to make him stop. “Jae, please… Stop this… We’re not doing anything wrong—”

“I know you’re not doing anything wrong but I can’t say the same about this asshole!”

Jae was cursing here and there, and it alarmed me. Jae is usually calm and composed. He doesn’t throw just anyone insults and call them names. Jae is furious… maybe even beyond what the word encompasses.

“What the fuck is happening to the two of you?!” Sungjin finally interfered. He stood in between them as I held Jae to place.

“Why don’t you ask that friend of yours?” Jae spat with so much disgust and full of anger. He was shaking so much, like he was about to explode anytime soon and nothing could calm him down to stop him from detonating.

Dowoon went to Brian and held both of his arms, fettering him.

“Fuck you. You know that you don't deserve her!” Brian struggled to break from Dowoon’s grip, and when he did, he ran towards Jae and punched him straight to his face. I shrieked as I let go of Jae and stood in between them.

“And who deserves her?” Jae scoffed. “You?”

Brian was about to strike another blow to Jae when I finally pushed him away.

“Stop! Don’t hurt him… Just leave!”

Brian looked at me, gaze turning soft. He shook his head and advanced again to reach out for my hand.

“Jaemi, please, listen to me—”

“Look at you begging. Is this really the great Brian Kang that is in front of me?” Jae wiped the blood on his lips. “You have your pool of girls. But you still fucking chose to steal my girlfriend?”

Everyone around us fell silent. Nayeon hurried to come to me and told me that we should go home, but I can’t. I can’t leave them like this.

Brian ignored Jae and proceeded to approaching me again, hands shaking as he tried to hold mine that were also trembling profusely. Before he could even hold me, Jae shoved him away.

“Brian, please… Just leave…” I pleaded, heart shattering as I watched his lips quiver with blood on them.

Today is the day I’m pushing him away for the last time. Today is the end.

Because today is the day that I’m leaving him.

Words can never be stringed together for me to express how painful this is for me… and I can’t even begin to imagine just how much pain I will be giving him again. But hopefully, this will be the last blow. This will be the end of his suffering.

_Please… Please forget about me…_

“I'm taking back what's rightfully mine.” Jae exclaimed, his breathing still heavy.

Brian’s gaze didn’t leave me. “Jaemi…”

“Stay away from her and this time, I’m serious about it. Keep the distance, motherfucker.”

Brian spat the blood from his lips. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do.”

Jae was still fuming mad and was about to tackle Brian again when I stopped him. I faced him despite having my vision all blurry from my tears. “Jae, please, no! Don’t hurt him… No… please let me talk to him… I’ll… I’ll join you later… I promise…”

He looked at me like he couldn’t comprehend the words that escaped from my mouth. But eventually, he nodded slowly. He took a deep breath before forcefully removing Sungjin’s grip on his arms. He wordlessly left and the others followed him shortly after, leaving me and Brian as the only people in the parking lot.

“Brian!” I ran towards him.

Brian fell on his knees as he tried to reach for me. Immediately, I moved closer and wiped the blood stains on his face. He winced in pain but his gaze was still fixated on my eyes, unwavering. The sight of him like this almost killed me. He’s hurt… and I’m hurting him even more… and I will hurt him again.

“Please come back to me… I will wait… no matter how long… just come back to me…” he softly pleaded as he cupped my cheeks, still on his knees.

I shook my head. “Please don’t wait for me anymore…”

He stared at me with eyes full of hopelessness. “But I love you…”

“You shouldn’t…” I responded as I wiped his tears away.

He’s always been the kind of person who gets what he wants. The person who doesn’t need to ask because all his needs are being catered to by everyone around him, and he doesn’t even have to put efforts into things he want to do. He has lived a life that is complete, and at the same time, it’s incomplete. A lonely life… A life that is full of yearning, no matter how much he receives from other people, it’s always not enough.

I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone who can really fill the hole in him. It’s not me. It can’t be me.

I’m not for him.

No matter how much I want to be, I will not be that person.

“Brian, please… stop making it more difficult for me…” tears continued to cascade from our eyes, our breaths getting heavier and heavier with every second that passes by. “I don’t want to hurt you like this… please, just let me go…”

Brian stared at me with trembling lips and eyes overflowing with tears. With quivering hands, he gently wiped my tears away.

“Don't cry...” he whispered even though he himself was crying too. “It pains me seeing you cry…”

For the last time, he pulled me into his arms.

“That night when you left me… I knew… I was going to lose you… I was losing you…” he cried against my shoulder. “I’m losing you again… and it hurts… it hurts so much…”

“I love you so much it fucking hurts…” his voice was slowly faltering. “I’m losing you…”

 _I love you too._ I wanted to voice out, but I can never do that.

_Not anymore._

With that, I left him—on his knees, tears cascading down his face.

Jae didn’t let me drive my car and offered to just take me home, to which I agreed. The ride home was silent, my eyes fixed on the window as I watched everything outside fade into a blur.

I’ve already made my decision. It’s final. I’m choosing Jae and I will make up for everything I’ve done to him.

If Brian took away my love for Jae, then I’m willing to try until Jae takes away my love for Brian and make everything right, just like square one. I’m willing to start all over again so I won’t hurt Jae again.

Because if his love for me was enough for him to take me back even after what I did to him, then I will stay with him, silently praying that my love for him will be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They actually performed 사랑했지만 before. In case you want better visualization for the song they performed, watch this. ^^ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i3y4J8QSNg
> 
> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> huhu talk to me, but don't send me hate :(


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, yeah. damn. enjoy ^^

* * *

My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw was Jae’s smiling face.

He leaned down to plant a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Did you have a good sleep, booboo?”

I smiled, feeling his lap at the back of my head, but still not having any plans of getting up. “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

The last thing I remember was I was lying on his lap while he’s sitting on his couch and reading his book. I must have fallen asleep while listening to mellow music playing on his phone.

It’s been months. It’s been months since… _that_. That night we shed parting tears, and the night I chose Jae. I haven’t heard from _him_ since then, and no one really talked about him after. It was almost as if he never really existed, like he was only a figment of my imagination. But I guess it was actually better that way. It was better for him. It was better for me.

It’s been months too since we’ve graduated from college. It’s already September and Jae is now in his first year in law school and I’m busy reviewing for my licensure examination. Sometimes, I stay in Jae’s apartment. He moved to a bigger high-end apartment. Just like today. He asked me if I could come over and watch movies with him at home and I agreed, but I ended up falling asleep while he was engrossed in his book.

Jae only hummed and shook his head, then tucked the hair strands that were on my face. He gently stroked my hair while still smiling sweetly at me. “It’s okay…” he whispered, before slowly placing his hand under my head until it was on my nape, massaging it slowly. “Does it hurt? Do you want to sleep on my bed instead?”

I shook my head as I shifted to reach for him and wrap my arms around him while still lying on his lap. Jae looked surprised at my sudden gesture of affection. He gazed down at me and I just closed my eyes and hugged him tighter.

It’s been months, and within those months, I’ve been distant to Jae.

Partly because I still feel guilty about what I have done to him. Partly because I know, deep down, that my heart doesn’t belong to him alone anymore.

I still love him, I know. Because as they all say, if you don’t love a person now, you didn’t love that person then. I loved him. With my whole heart and soul, I loved Jae. And now I’m struggling to bring everything back to how it used to. But like broken glass, the shards will never be glued back together and appear to be what it used to look like before it was broken. You can fix it, but the cracks will still be there.

I’m still trying to fill in the cracks to make it whole again… and I hope I really can.

Baby steps. That’s what we take. Slowly, but surely, we will get there.

During the past months, every touch from Jae burned my skin. I couldn’t even hug him. I didn’t want to feel him near me, in fear of breaking down anytime out of guilt. I’ve done him wrong. I don’t deserve him… God, I really don’t. But he never really gave up.

He understands. He understands me so well. He knew that we needed time again before things get better. And I am really thankful for that. Even if I don’t deserve any of this, if Jae is willing to go up to this extent just so he doesn’t lose me, then I will do my best so I can stay with him.

Until now, we’re still in the process of seeking for the lost familiarity between the two of us. But soon, I know we will finally find it. Because where there is love, there is patience. I will be patient until my heart chooses him completely.

“I missed you…” he whispered as he leaned down again, our faces only a few centimeters away from each other.

Jae’s eyes were shakily looking at mine, and I understood exactly what he wanted to tell me but couldn’t voice out in fear of me distancing myself again from him.

I smiled as I let go of his body and cupped his cheeks. “I missed you too, love…” I closed the gap between us with a kiss and I felt him smile against my lips.

 _Love_. It’s been a long time since this word has escaped my mouth and was directed to him. Somehow, it felt familiar but still distant. We’re still in the process of getting things back in place, but I know that we’re making a progress.

It took me months before I could finally do this again without guilt eating me while I do so. This is our first kiss after a long time. Jae supported me as I sat up, his lips still fervently attached to mine as he deepened the kiss, my hands travelling across his chest up to his neck, then he guided me until I was sitting on his lap with both of my legs on his side.

Months ago, I would always think about someone else while I am with him, and things like this would always feel forced—like I didn’t want any of it to happen, which led to me being distant to him. But now, I felt like Jae has broken down a portion of the walls I built around my heart and finally got in again.

Jae pulled away as he cupped my cheeks and planted consecutive pecks on my lips. “Oh God… I missed you… I miss holding you this close…”

I giggled. “What’s for dinner?”

Another peck on my lips before beaming me his usual cute smile. “What does my booboo want to eat?”

I slid my arms to his sides and hugged him as I rested my head on his chest. “Let’s go and eat doenjang jjigae.”

His brows furrowed a little before taking a good look at me. “You prefer that now over kimchi jjigae?”

I paused for a while before nodding. “Yeah, I like that better now.”

Jae ruffled my hair before cupping both of my cheeks. He inched closer to place another soft kiss on the tip of my nose. “Okay, booboo.”

I had no clothes in his apartment so Jae had to lend me one of his hoodies. I wore the pastel blue one and it was so big it reached half of my thighs. Jae drove to the restaurant we usually dine at. We started eating and talking about random stuff, Jae also shared about this particular professor he has who likes calling his name during recitations, even when he has already answered he’d get called again.

“I’m not sure if he wants me to replace him as our professor, you see, it’s almost as if I am always discussing the whole lecture to our whole class while the others listen.” Jae whined as I reached for a tissue to wipe the side of his mouth. “He hates me.”

I giggled. “Don’t be upset, love. It only means you’re the best in his class.”

The sides of Jae’s lips arched into a smile. “You think so?”

I winked. “I know so.”

The stupid grin remained on his face until we both finished eating. I craned my neck to the direction of the main door when one couple who just entered caught my attention; the girl’s arm was linked on the guy’s…

Isn’t that Nayeon?

And Sungjin?

I immediately turned to Jae who’s still drinking water. “Are those Nayeon and Sungjin?”

Jae looked at the direction I was pointing at and raised a brow. “Oh, yeah. They’re dating now.”

“What?!”

I stood up and quickly went to the two of them and Nayeon’s eyes rounded in surprise when she saw me blocking their way.

“J-Jaemi!” she removed her arm that was linked on Sungjin’s arm and beamed me an awkward smile. “I-I didn’t know I’d see you here!”

“Yeah, me too. I didn’t know I’d see Sungjin here.” I turned to Sungjin.

Nayeon looked at Sungjin and then Sungjin looked at me before scratching the back of his head. “Hey. How are you? You’re with Jae?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “He’s over there. Go talk to him if you want. I need to talk to Nayeon.”

Sungjin didn’t want to leave at first but then Nayeon glared at him, and abruptly, like a pet instructed by his owner, he left me and Nayeon and went to Jae at the table from afar.

I sat at the chair on the nearest table and Nayeon did the same with the seat across me. I looked at her and she wasn’t saying anything. I sighed. “You’re dating Sungjin?”

Nayeon shook her head. “No! I mean… n-not yet…”

I fought the urge to burst into laughter. I have to hold it in, I’m enjoying the sight of Nayeon flustered while explaining to me. She must think I’m mad at her when I’m actually not. I just want to play with her for a while.

“Then why are you two together?” I tried to sound annoyed.

Nayeon pouted. “Are you mad? Please don’t…” she tried to reach for my hand and I swatted it away before crossing my arms. “Don’t be mad, Jaemi…”

“Are you sure about him?”

Nayeon nodded. “Don’t be mad… I really like him so… please don’t be mad?”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I guffawed, earning the attention of the people around us. I immediately apologized and tried to stifle my laughter while Nayeon looked baffled.

“I’m not mad. I was just asking.” I almost choked on my saliva when I saw her sigh in relief.

“I thought you were mad! I almost cried…” Nayeon pouted. I giggled. Nayeon is really cute when she’s like this. No wonder that Sungjin fell for her charms. I mean, Sungjin isn’t bad himself, but of course I just want the best for my best-est friend.

I cleared my throat and calmed myself. “If you’re not dating, then what are you two doing right now?”

“He just confessed… and I don’t know, I haven’t told him I like him too.”

“When did this start?”

“During their last performance as a band? He gave me a ride home that night and then asked for my number… well, I already had a little crush on him before that so of course I gave him my number. Ever since that night, we would constantly send messages to each other… and I found out he’s a really nice guy…” she sheepishly responded.

Oh. _That_ night.

I nodded before heaving a sigh. “I feel betrayed. How did I not know about this?”

“It’s just fair! You didn’t even tell me about Brian and I still had to find out by myself.”

I fell silent at the mention of his name. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard someone talk about him.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” Nayeon apologized in a soft voice.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I beamed her a smile. “It’s okay.”

Nayeon didn’t reply and just continued gawking at me while I stare at the menu on the table, not uttering a single word.

“How… how is he?” I hesitantly asked, eyes not meeting hers.

It’s been months since I last saw him. I never really saw him after that night, even during our university’s graduation. And I couldn’t ask anyone because no one seemed to know and I don’t think I should really know.

Nayeon shook her head. “I don’t know. From what I remember, Sungjin said he flew to Canada immediately after that incident. He didn’t attend our graduation too. I think he just took his remaining classes online and had his diploma sent to him in Canada… I’m not sure too if he’s staying there for good or if he’ll still come back here…”

I nodded, trying to discern what I just heard, while trying to ignore the tingling feeling in my chest at what I just found out.

Maybe this is what’s really good for us… if he’s out there, a million miles away from me, he will forget about me… me, who he has shed countless of tears for… me, who has caused him nothing but suffering. It’s okay. Everything will fall into place at the right time.

Soon enough, I felt an arm snaking on my waist. Jae planted a kiss on my temple. “Let’s go home?”

We bade them goodbye before heading back to Jae’s place. The whole ride home, I tried my best to keep calm and not lose my cool at the memories of him that resurfaced during the brief conversation I had with Nayeon. I made the right choice. This way, the both of us will grow better, and with the right people. The right one for me is Jae. I will just pray that he finds the right one for him soon, while praying that the feeling I had for him will finally completely disappear.

Days passed and September 14 came. It was Jae and I’s 4th anniversary. I greeted him a _“Happy 4th anniversary, love!”_ text, succeeded by a long message of love and gratitude—all about how I appreciate him and his efforts as my man.

I sent that text at 1PM before my phone died and before I went to my review center. My car also broke down this morning and I was in a hurry so I just opted to take the bus.

It was a long and exhausting day so I headed immediately back home. It was already 10 in the evening when I finished charging my phone and when I turned my phone on, I saw messages from Jae.

_Jaehyungie:_

_Happy 4th anniversary, booboo!! Come over to my place tonight!! Maybe by 7? Your review today’s done by that time, right?_

**-**

_Jaehyungie:_

_Booboo, where are you? Are you at home? Do you want me to pick you up?_

**-**

_Jaehyungie:_

_Why aren’t you replying? Did anything happen?_

The last message was sent an hour ago. I hurriedly went out and caught a cab to his place. How could I just let this day pass like that?!

My hands were shaking as I stared at the wrapped present I kept inside my bag. I got him a silver luxury watch, since I noticed he hasn’t bought a new watch since the year started. I also couldn’t think of anything else to give him as a gift since he practically has everything he needs. Plus, tomorrow is his birthday so it’s like a double gift.

The moment I arrived to his apartment, I pressed his passcode immediately, and was welcomed by darkness. A few steps forward and I saw light from the dining table, not from fluorescent lights but something that is orange-ish. I turned the living room’s light switch on and took off my coat to hang it and I was about to take another step when I saw rose petals scattered on the floor like a path leading me to somewhere.

I followed the petals and arrived at the dining area and I gasped when I saw the table full of food and wine and candles.

And there was Jae, sleeping, his head resting on the table.

My heart ached at the sight of him like that. Without any second thoughts, I ran to him, instantly wrapping my arms around him. Jae stirred and his sleepy eyes met mine. I smiled at him even though I could already feel my lips tremble.

“Hey…” he whispered as he reached for my face. “Happy anniversary.”

I smiled at him as he stood up. “You prepared all of these?”

Jae sheepishly smiled as he scratched his head. “Yeah, well… I tried to prepare everything…”

I reached for his hand and saw a bandage wrapped around his left index finger. My forehead creased as I gazed back at him. “What happened to your finger?”

He just shook his head. “Nothing…”

Raising a brow at him, I uttered nothing and just continued looking at him. Jae sighed in defeat. “I… I tried to cook earlier? But halfway through my cooking, I accidentally cut my finger and while I tended to my cut, the food got burnt so… I just decided to order food we will eat tonight.” He shyly admitted.

I didn’t know what to say. I just found myself hugging him tightly. I felt terrible. I made him wait for hours when all this time he prepared a surprise for me?

“I’m sorry, Jae...” I apologized, trying to stifle my sobs.

Jae hugged back and even tighter, he kissed the top of my head before whispering. “It’s okay… Don’t worry about it!”

His voice was back to his usual jolly tone, but I’m still sad that I made him wait after he prepared all of these… plus, I didn’t really have anything for him except for this gift I got for him.

“You should have told me about this dinner, I would have worn better clothes than this dress.”

He chuckled. “It’s okay. You always look good in my eyes.”

He was about to break the hug when I buried my face on his chest as I took in his scent. Jae hummed and caressed my hair, fondly swaying our bodies like we’re dancing to some slow music when truth was, all we could hear was each other’s hearts.

“I love you, booboo…” he whispered while still swaying slowly, his hands still on my waist. I moved away a bit to gaze up at him and he was looking at me lovingly.

I smiled at him and reached for his face. I tip toed to close the distance between our lips.

Jae froze at the kiss, still surprised by the fact that I initiated the kiss again.

I pulled away and his eyes were still round, to which I giggled at. “I love you, too.”

It took him a few seconds to recover, until the same stupid grin was painted again on his face. Jae enveloped me in his arms and kissed my temples consecutively. “I love you… God, I love you so much…”

A few moments more and we were already eating the food he ordered. I was eating slowly, while drowning in the romantic atmosphere of our candlelit dinner. I looked at the rose petals on the floor and remembered something.

“Aren’t you allergic to flowers? Why did you put rose petals all over your place?”

Jae grinned. “They’re fake.”

I palmed my face mentally at his response. Of course. What do I expect from my goofy boyfriend?

“Thank you,” I told him while I watched him pour down moscato wine on my glass.

“For the wine? Sure,” he smiled.

I shook my head. “For everything… until now.”

Jae paused before heaving a sigh, then beamed at me. “Of course. I love you.”

We drank for a little while as we danced to the songs he was humming. Everything felt wonderful; the setting, the food, and his arms.

“Do you want me to drive you home already? It’s late… you have review tomorrow, right?” he queried amidst humming to the song _Wonderful Tonight_. My head remained on his chest and I felt his light fingers on my back, caressing me gently.

“I’ll stay here…” I pulled him tighter.

Jae fell silent for a while before I felt him nuzzle the top of my head. We remained slow dancing for who knows how long, until we were sitting on his couch with my head on his shoulder. Then Jae asked, “Let’s go brush our teeth?”

I fell stiff on my spot at his request. Jae must have felt the sudden change in my mood and held my chin and made me face him. “What’s wrong, booboo?”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

_Nothing. I just remembered someone._

_I remembered someone… but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore._

We brushed our teeth together, like how he wanted. It took quite a while for us to finish because Jae kept on placing kisses on my mouth while laughing when he sees foam increasing. I don’t know if I should be glad that we’re back to our usual selves, he’s being annoying again and I’m the object again of his teasing. But I really like it better this way.

Little by little, we are moving forward.

“I love you. Do you know that?” he told me once we entered his room, his hands resting on my back.

I beamed at him. “Do you really?”

“Really. I love you so much, booboo.”

His eyes look like they hold galaxies in them, I just started to tear up as I discerned how dreamy they are. His eyes that have always gazed at me with so much love. A love that I am not worthy of.

“But do I deserve you?” I asked him while he held my hand, gently kissing my knuckles.

Slowly, he nuzzled my hand with his cheek. “If not you, then who deserves me?”

I couldn’t find the words to give him as a response. Jae only looked at me, the love in his eyes not wavering. “I love you so much… only you…”

His other hand travelled from my back to my neck, caressing it as he closed the distance between our lips with a slow, fervent kiss. He let go of my hand and cupped both of my cheeks as he deepened the kiss.

Suddenly, I was feeling feverish from all of his touches. Suddenly, I was yearning for more.

My hands found their way to his chest until I was clutching the lapels of his shirt to pull him closer to me and deepen the kiss even more, our tongues fighting like swords in our mouths.

“J-Jae…” I moaned when I felt my back touch the cold wall of his room and his lips started attacking my neck.

“Yes, love…” he whispered and I almost rolled my eyes in pleasure when his hands started to knead my breasts.

The dark tide of desire is drowning my reason and sanity.

I want it.

I want him.

“Let’s do it, Jae.” I uttered while I pull his hair as he trailed wet kisses on shoulder blades, the strap of my dress already falling.

Jae pulled away and gazed at me, studying every movement I make. I licked my soft lips and I felt them swell from all the kisses from Jae.

“Are you sure?” his voice was hoarse.

“I’ve never been this sure in my life.” I advanced to kiss him again but before I could do so, I felt my body being lifted from the floor and suddenly Jae was carrying me. I giggled and pulled him to me to start another fiery kiss to which he responded eagerly.

My back felt the softness of his bed and Jae hovered above me, still not breaking the kiss. I moaned when he bit my lower lip and then licked it after. My hands pulled the hem of his shirt and he understood what I meant by it.

“So impatient,” he chuckled before moving away to take off his shirt.

After taking off his shirt, he continued attacking my lips while his hands roamed around my back, searching for the zipper of my dress. When he found it, he immediately unzipped it and in one swift motion I was left with only my undergarments.

Jae’s mouth travelled down from my mouth to my neck until the top of my breasts. He trailed kisses and sucked on the skin, and I could only imagine the bruises I will see tomorrow when I wake up. His fingers found the peak of my mounds while they remained covered with my bra which he expertly took off. His hot mouth covered my nipple and I moaned loudly, especially when he started sucking it while massaging the other.

He did it alternately to my chest, and I writhed in pleasure. Heat started to pool in between my thighs. Every touch from him was full of fire.

His mouth immediately went back and covered mine, hands now ardently sliding down my thighs and in between them. We stopped for a while to gasp for air but immediately resumed the steamy kisses.

 I flinched when I felt a finger touch the thin cloth of my underwear and Jae cursed.

“Fuck.” He whispered in between kisses. “You’re so wet.”

I pulled his soft black hair so I could kiss him better. “Do something about it…”

Jae closed his eyes firmly as he took a deep breath, as if trying to keep his sanity and control over things. “Fuck…”

“Jae, please…” I pleaded and he cursed again, before his mouth travelled south, down to my navel until I felt kisses on top of my underwear.

I’ve never been touched there. That’s why when I felt him effortlessly take my underwear off and rubbed my folds, I lost it. I moaned as he spread my legs wider.

I felt what he was talking about. I am so wet that I could almost hear the soaking of his finger.

I gasped when I felt him kiss me there.

“Jae!” I protested, but he acted like he didn’t hear me and held my thighs to open them wider, and then started licking the hotness in between them, his tongue softly swirling on my clit.

My body felt so feverish with every burning touch Jae does to me. He rubbed my soaking folds once more before slipping in one finger, and I bit my lip so hard to stifle my moans I could almost taste the rusty metallic taste of blood from biting it so hard.

“Jae,” I called his name.

“Yes, baby...” he whispered.

I was losing my sanity from his touches and that endearment was the trigger. I lost it. I’m drowning in the deep seas of pleasure and I don’t want to be rescued.

Pain and pleasure mixed with every push and pull of his finger. It felt so ecstatic that I could no longer hold back my moans. I pulled his hair as he added another finger and the pain intensified with how he scissored my insides, stretching me wider. I felt so hot it was almost as if I was running a very high fever and was in the verge of passing out as he pleasured me with hard rapid strokes. I was aware of nothing but his skilled long fingers fucking me senseless while I’m a writhing mess on his bed.

Jae curled his fingers and I arched my back in too much pleasure. “Oh my god, Jae!” I screamed.

Without withdrawing his fingers, he moved back to kiss my lips again, making me taste myself, and I kept on moaning in between our kisses.

“Do you feel good?” Jae whispered as he nibbled on my lower lip while still drilling me with his long slender fingers, and I clenched on them due to pleasure, too much pleasure.

I could only nod, not trusting my voice as moans continued to escape from my mouth.

He continued fucking me with his fingers while his thumb rubbed my clit. “Words, love.”

“Y-Yes!” I screamed. “Y-Yes, you make me feel so good, Jae…”

His hot breath ghosted over my face and I saw him smirk. His fingers started to move even faster, curling every once in a while, pulling out to tease my folds, giving me a different kind of ecstatic sensation.

My moans began to get louder and louder as I was jarred by the sudden pulsating feeling deep within me. Jae’s crude curse almost made me faint. I felt weak from what exploded inside me.

It took me a while to catch my breath and come back to my senses. I shifted and placed my head on top of his pillows. Jae’s pillow lips found their way again to mine, his tongue wandered across my hot cavern before pulling away to pin his gaze on me.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked again.

I took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m sure…”

I’m sure. I know that I swore to myself that I will only give my first to the person I am sure with, the one I know I would want to share my life with.

I know. And I’m sure. If it’s Jae, it’s worth it.

Jae placed a soft kiss on my forehead and wiped the beads of sweat trickling on my skin before I watched him undo his jeans and shimmy his garment down, along with his boxers and then his compelling flesh sprang free.

My eyes rounded in shock. I have seen this in movies and of course, at school in our science subjects, but I didn’t expect to see it this robust in person!

Before I could come back to my senses, I felt his arousal poke my stomach as he reached for me again for another fiery kiss to which I drowned in again.

He opened my legs wider again and I felt a finger caress my bud. Jae cursed again before he guided the broad head of his proud member into place, slowly filling me in.

My breath hitched. The force of his entrance was a mix of pain and pleasure. He began pushing himself within me slowly, and he growled lowly in each thrust.

Slowly, I could feel the pain creep in my system. It hurts. It fucking hurts that I had to pull Jae’s hair in so much pain when I felt his thick shaft make its way in me.

Jae’s hands rested on my hips, guarding me in place. I felt all my strength vanish as hot tears cascaded down my cheeks. It really hurts so damn much.

“I-It hurts, Jae…” I cried to him.

He cupped my cheek and kissed my temple, while his other hand gently caressed my back.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my ear. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

I gasped and tried to wipe my own tears. Jae continued kissing my temple and whispering my name. I felt the familiar pleasure igniting fire again and I shifted only to be disappointed when I felt pain again down there.

Jae kissed my cheek. “I’ll wait.”

But I can’t. Jae has a very long patience, but I don’t. I tried to rock him slowly despite the excruciating pain.

“Stay fucking still, Jaemi!” he growled.

I bit my lip as I tried to peek at him. “Jae, please…”

Jae hushed me with a kiss and his heavy breathing appraised me that he was trying his best to fight for control because he didn’t want to hurt me. I could feel his huge shaft within me and I rocked slowly to get used to him.

I shuddered when Jae slowly rocked me back and forth, moans escaping from my mouth again. And that was the cue. The control he was building broke down and he started to pound on me slowly at first but forcefully, the bed creaking at the sound of each of his thrust.

Jae’s face was flaring into crimson and I tugged his hair for strength but he was too forceful to make me hold on to him.

His hands kneaded my breasts again, hot mouth moving from my mouth to one of my nipples, sucking and licking alternately on them. I arched my back, pushing my body to him more. I eventually had to cling onto his back to stay anchored and my nails scratched his milky white skin as he continued to pound on me.

Tears continued to stream down my face. It still hurts. Jae continued to drill on me relentlessly, hands on my waist to keep me in place. “Jae… i-it hurts…”

“Ssshh…” he whispered as his lips travelled to kiss every part of my body, his finger finding its way to my bud to play with it along with my creamy folds.

Soon enough, the pain was replaced by pleasure.

The room was silent, only my moans and his low grunts could be heard, along with the sound of skin slapping from his thrusts that I eagerly met while rocking back and forth. “Feel good, baby?” he purred.

I nodded. “Oh god… Y-Yes…” I moaned in pure bliss, too overwhelmed by the ecstatic feeling we are both sharing.

“God… you feel so good… fuck…” he cursed again, his voice dripping with sex.

Jae would murmur words of love to my ear every now and then and all I could do was to moan in response because what the hell am I supposed to do?

I was a moaning mess. I gasped when he continued to caress my sensitive bud while his shaft pounded on me. He raised my left leg to his shoulder to spread me wider and Jae’s pillow lips attacked my swelling ones again, beads of sweat trickling on his forehead, his chest all red now. His thrusts began to speed up, now inhumanly fast. Incoherent words escaped my mouth along with whimpers and moans as he pounded on me continuously, I could feel drool dripping from my mouth but I couldn’t care anymore.

“Come for me again, love.” He whispered.

And then I felt it again. I screamed when I reached the climax, sending tremors all over my nerves. My whole body shuddered and I didn’t even mind the force of his continuous hammering of his thick shaft on me. I was too drowned in pleasure.

Jae growled and I could see his swelling veins on his arms. He stiffened after a few more jarring moments of thrust and I felt him throb within me. He looked up, eyes tightly shut close while his mouth dropped open, and then I felt his fluid pour inside me while some of it dripped down my thighs.

Jae rocked a bit more, riding his orgasm before falling on my body, but still trying not to squish me with his full weight.

He kissed the top of my head before burying his face on the crook of my neck. “Oh God… I love you so much…”

My arms were still on his back, now feeling all weak and drained of energy. He cursed softly before slowly pulling out and lying on the bed beside me.

My eyes started to get heavy. I was completely worn out.

Jae hugged me tightly and kissed my temple. “I love you…”

That was the last thing I remember. I was totally drained.

I woke up hours later, Jae’s soft snores greeted me. I blinked away my sleepiness and darted my gaze on Jae whose mouth was slightly open. I looked down and I saw my body covered with his comforter which we were both sharing. I shifted to hug him but was stopped by the throbbing pain in between my thighs.

Fuck. It really hurts.

I’m exhausted. My whole body hurts.

I turned to Jae and scanned his features. His pale skin is smooth and soft, and his eyelashes are long and beautiful, like feathers covering his lovely orbs when he’s awake. He’s beautiful… what did I ever do in my past life to deserve him?

Jae stirred and moved closer to me instead. “Hey… It’s still early…”

I pouted at him, feeling my naked chest graze his. “It hurts…”

He sighed before he inched closer to cup my cheek with his free hand, his other arm still under my head. “I’m sorry…”

I shook my head and smiled at him. “It’s okay… I love you.”

Jae’s soft lips were on top of mine again. “I love you more…”

“Happy birthday, love.” I greeted him, to which he smiled sweetly at.

“Thank you.”

I froze when I felt something poke my belly and then Jae cursed. I laughed when he took a pillow to cover his member that is now getting hard again.

“Sorry… go back to sleep.” He shyly uttered, his cheeks flaring from embarrassment.

“Do you want me to help you with that?” I whispered softly, hand now slowly travelling south to where his thick shaft is hiding. He gasped when I enclosed it with my hand.

“But I still have to study…” I told him as I let go of his shaft. Jae closed his eyes before getting up while cursing.

I laughed as I watched him walk towards his bathroom annoyed.

I’m sorry, Jae. I’m still sore. And it’s your fault.

After some time of him tending to his needs, he went back to bed, still in his naked glory.

“I need clothes, Jae.” I told him.

“Just wear mine.”

“I need _my_ clothes, Jae.” I emphasized the word “ _my_ ” because hello? I have no plans on wearing his briefs. I need my underwear.

“Also, I need my books and reviewers. I’ll just study here since I can’t walk properly and I don’t want people to look at me weirdly because of my weird strides.”

Jae nodded. “Okay booboo. I’ll call your mom.” then he took his phone from his bedside table.

Holy fuck.

If he calls my mom, then she will realize that…

“She said she’ll have your things sent here.” I looked at Jae confusedly. That’s it?

“What else did she say?”

“Nothing else.”

Oh, right. My mom has so much faith in Jae. She would never even think that we would do this. She believes in Jae so much that he will always take care of me at put me first. Sometimes, I question myself if I’m really her child or is it Jae?

Soon enough, my stuff were delivered to Jae’s place and after wearing clothes (the shirt I wore is Jae’s) I immediately took a reviewer to start reviewing. Jae also had to read his law books so we drifted into different worlds for a while.

I didn’t want to leave his bed so I remained sitting on its side while I read, while Jae sat on the opposite side. Suddenly, I felt kisses trailing on the bare skin of my neck.

Jae hummed, his hands sliding under my shirt to knead my breasts. He knew that I didn’t wear bra anymore. I gasped when he pinched a nipple. “Study well,” he whispered against his kisses.

I looked at him and raised a brow. “You too, study hard.” I inched closer to kiss him, before finding my way to his crotch. “Don’t make anything else _hard_ aside from studying, okay?”

Jae groaned when I let go and turned my attention back to my reviewer. I laughed when I heard him curse. “Be thankful you’re still sore. Or else!”

I turned back to him again and shot him a glare. “Or else what?”

Jae shook his head and smiled stupidly. “Nothing. I’ll love you even more.”

“So you won’t love me now that I’m sore?” I pouted.

Jae scooted closer and lied on his bed instead of sitting, arms wide open as if inviting me to lie beside him. I sighed. I have to review, but how can I resist him?

Jae wreathed me into a warm embrace. He tilted my chin to make me look at him. His eyes are still dreamy, and my heart skipped a beat when the ends of his lips tugged into a beautiful smile.

“I always love you. Without conditions, I will always love you.” He whispered.

My heart swelled in pain as I watched his eyes glisten, like he’s also overwhelmed by his emotions that he started to tear up. I hugged him back and buried my face on his chest.

“No more lies between the two of us from now on…” I mumbled.

Jae ruffled my hair. “No more lies.”

Just like how he trusted me that I will stay with him, I will trust his words as we take baby steps to move forward.

No more lies.

From now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> *sign of the cross*


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

Sundays are for the two of us. I don’t have to go to review school during Sundays and Jae doesn’t have classes too, so we usually spend time together going to places to unwind after a long exhausting week.

It’s almost Christmas already and as my schedule gets loose, I guess Jae’s getting more and more hectic. Two weeks ago, he had to stay out for a paper he had to submit the next day, I think they were asked to submit 50 cases related to a certain law, I’m not really sure. I also couldn’t come over to his place for the past month because I had to review and, well, Jae is a huge distraction for me.

Not that I’m complaining, but I need to get this license. So I have to focus on one goal first. Jae can wait. I know he will wait.

“Are you busy today?” I asked him over the phone.

I’ll be having a break next week from review school so I was thinking, maybe we could spend time together again.

 _“Hmm…”_ he mused. _“Nope, let’s go watch a movie?”_

I instantly smiled at his response. “I’ll sleep at your place tonight, love…”

_“Oh… I have to go to my parents’ house tonight, booboo… I’m sorry…”_

My brows creased. “Is that so? I see… Then I’ll just come over some other time, I guess? Maybe next week, because I don’t really have much free time right now.”

Okay, I lied. I have a lot of time to spare for him right now, but I don’t want him to feel bad again about not being able to give me the attention he thinks he has to give me all the time. I don’t want him to think that I’m upset again by the idea of me, competing with his life and dreams.

I have faith in him. We’ll just do things when time permits us. We don’t really need to rush.

He can have time for himself first, I will just wait until his break comes.

_“I’m sorry… I’ll pick you up in an hour?”_

“Okay, love. I’ll wait for you.”

_“Okay… I’ll see you later.”_

The plan was to have a decent date at the cinema, to watch an action film with him. But then the movie just had to have a sexy scene, and as the actors explored each other’s bodies, I also felt a hand creep on my thighs—which belongs to Jae who couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

“Jae…” I warned him.

This is a public place, for fuck’s sake! Why can’t he wait until the movie is over?

It was dark, the only source of light we had was the huge screen. I gasped when I felt his fingers slide through my skirt as they searched for the thin clothing I was wearing underneath. Jae planted soft kisses on the skin below my ear, his hot breath blowing against it.

“I love you…” he whispered and I watched him gaze at me with heavy lidded eyes, looking like he was thirsty for something… and I know exactly what that something is.

We ended up leaving the cinema halfway through the movie and went straight to his place, struggling to shimmy each other’s garments down as he pushed me to the wall of his room, my clothes now scattered on the floor.

His warm hands ardently caressed every inch of my skin and every touch from him was becoming a factor of my early death.

Fuck… It’s only been a month that we were away from each other, but I missed him so much.

“I missed you…” I whispered as he placed both of my legs on the sides of his waist.

Jae hummed as he nibbled on the lobe of my ear. “Me too…”

The ends of my mouth tugged into a smile as his pillow lips found their way to mine again. I nibbled on his plump lower lip, making him groan. Jae growled when I reached for his member, guiding it to its position.

“Fuck… You’re driving me crazy…” he chuckled lowly as he complied with what I want him to do.

Soon, my back found anchor on the cold wall behind me as he thrust slowly, his pace gradually increasing.

And I was getting more and more impatient. Jae was obviously enjoying my annoyed expression. He’s doing this on purpose.

“Jae… faster…” I sounded so needy but I don’t even care anymore.

He laughed. “You’re craving for me, booboo?”

But Jae was more than happy to comply. My moans were getting louder and Jae drowned them in a steamy kiss, his hot tongue against mine as he supported me so I wouldn’t fall. Jae pulled out and flipped me in a swift motion, now I was facing the wall, hands struggling to hold onto the small table a few inches away from me. I couldn’t process anything anymore as Jae continued drilling me with his thick shaft, fucking me against the wall.

My loud moans reverberated across his room, his low grunts seemed to harmonize with the lewd noises that were escaping from my mouth, accompanied by the skin-slapping sounds from his thrusts. I screamed when I felt the edge of glory again, and Jae followed shortly after, his fervent lips were on mine again.

“I love you… only you…” he whispered as carried and laid me down his bed, tucking the hair strands that were sticking on my forehead because of sweat.

I was still catching my breath so I couldn’t give him a response other than to pull him so he would lie beside me. Jae scooted closer to envelope me in his arms, nakedness against nakedness. Slowly, he placed a soft kiss on the top of my head and nuzzled it.

“You’re busy again these days…” I murmured as I reached for his fringe, gently touching it. He caught my hand and kissed my knuckles as he sighed.

“I’m sorry…” he apologized. “I’ll… make it up to you.”

I smiled at him before leaning against his bare chest. “It’s okay.”

It’s been months, but I still crave so much for him.

It’s not really the sex that I want. That’s only a small chunk of what’s really there for us. It’s him. I love the feeling when he’s this close to me. It’s like we are compensating for all of our lost times… the times we strayed away from each other.

When I touch him, when I hold on to him, it’s as if I’m searching for something… It always feels like I’m looking for assurance that what we have right now, will last.

Slowly, we’re getting there. Slowly, I’m really moving forward. And what remains important to me is the fact that he’s here with me. I chose him, and he’s with me.

Maybe real soon, I can finally wholeheartedly love him.

I don’t have plans to fool myself, instead, I want to understand myself more. I gave myself to Jae, but having sex doesn’t really assure people of anything because after all, it’s all worldly desires that it speaks of. We make love, maybe. And that’s different. But making love doesn’t really mean we love each other with the same intensity and that we are on the same wavelength.

We’re doing this because I believe that if it’s Jae, it’s worth it.

It’s still unfair for him and it’s also unfair for me—the fact that it’s still not completely him that’s owning my heart. But if we always think about things being unfair for the both of us, then we won’t really go anywhere. We have to compromise. We have to sacrifice things to make this work. We have to undergo numbers of trials and errors. And if this can help, then I will be forever thankful to the universe.

The last week of my review school for December came. I was sitting idly beside the glass window of the room when I felt the chair beside me move. I turned to my right and smiled when I saw Wonpil.

“Hey.” I greeted him.

“Do you have food?” he blurted out randomly.

I rolled my eyes. So he’s here for food, okay.

I handed him an extra sandwich that I bought at the convenience store earlier this morning since I bought 2, and it was already late afternoon but I have eaten only 1. I wasn’t really feeling hungry the whole day.

Wonpil wordlessly took the sandwich and I stared at him in disbelief.

“Wow, Pil. Thanks.” I sarcastically told him.

He smiled at me. “You’re welcome.”

I just rolled my eyes heavenwards and Wonpil remained unbothered as he quickly finished the food. I was actually expecting him to ask for water too because Wonpil is annoying like that, but turns out he already brought water with him.

“How are you?” he queried all of a sudden.

I raised a brow at him. “Shouldn’t you have asked that earlier before asking for food?”

Wonpil boyishly grinned as he scratched his head. I could only sigh. He should be thankful I am in debt of all the times I made him do my workload during college… otherwise, I would have already thrown a chair at him.

I decided to turn my back at him and just darted my gaze at what’s outside the window. There were a few people walking on the street and I watched at the timeless beauty of the sky crying winter tears.

“It’s snowing…” I sighed dreamily as I entertained myself with the view before me.

“Do people really move on?”

I was brought back from my reverie by Wonpil’s sudden query.

“What?” I arched a brow.

Wonpil stared at me, his cheek now resting on the palm of his hand. “Do people really move on?” he reiterated.

I was taken aback by his question. Where is this all coming from?

I laughed softly. “You’re being philosophical again, Pil?”

“Do people really move on and just forget everything?”

The next question shut me up, like I swallowed my tongue. I couldn’t utter anything, breath starting to get heavier with each second that passed by.

Wonpil stared at me, waiting for an answer. The more he tries to pry emotions from me, the more tortuous it is.

I etched a wistful smile. “I don’t know.”

He didn’t respond. He continued looking at me like he knew I would be adding something to what I just said.

“Maybe you just learn how to live without getting affected by your emotions the same way it did before.” I gazed at the floor, avoiding the look in his eyes. “Maybe the pain will stop, but the feelings don’t go away. You just bury them deep inside your chest… maybe it’s like that. Like when you remember the person, you’ll get sad, but it doesn’t hurt as much as before. It’s still there. Maybe you don’t really forget, but you just learn to live with your memories.”

“How about you? Have you forgotten about him?”

A question I knew he would be asking. There it was.

I felt my chest tighten, the question a trigger for the underlying pain I was trying to overcome for the past months to resurface again.

“No…” my eyes remained gazing at the floor.

I don’t want to fool myself. I just want to be honest. I know that I’m still not over _him_ yet, because it’s not easy. The feelings I harboured for him were not shallow, I know. Because if they were, it wouldn’t have been difficult for me to love Jae completely again.

But I’m moving forward. I’m learning how to live without the pain. Without the guilt from all the pain I inflicted him. Maybe it’s difficult to move on because it was such a painful parting for the both of us and I had to choose another one immediately without actually healing myself first.

“The memories I had with him… They’re all beautiful… and I don’t want to forget that…” I smiled. “He was there when I had no one. Even if we ended up like that… I’m still thankful because at one point in my life, he came to me and made me happy…”

I heard him sniff and I had to turn to him to ask but then I saw Wonpil angrily wiping the tears streaming down his face.

“What the hell,” he cursed as he continued bawling his eyes out.

Wonpil looked so distressed about the idea of him bursting into tears and I found that really funny, making me laugh as he shot me a glare.

“Why are you laughing? You made me cry!” he whined and then wiped his tears again.

“Why are you crying? Shouldn’t I be the one crying here?” I giggled.

He sniffed again before crossing his arms. “Ah… It sucks to be in my place.”

His remark made me crease my forehead.

“What does that even mean?”

Wonpil sighed as he pinned his gaze on me. “Jaemi, are you happy with Jae?”

Am I happy with Jae?

“Of course, I am.” I answered almost abruptly. “Jae’s really exerting efforts to make us work again. And until now, he’s been nothing but the person who loves me with all of his heart. And that alone makes me happy. The fact that he loves me, it makes me happy.”

“Do you love him?” he asked again.

Why do I feel like this is becoming an interview?

I raised a brow at him again. “Of course… I mean, are you asking this because I told you I haven’t moved on yet?” he stupidly nodded which earned a laugh from me. “Well, yeah, but I don’t think I will stay with him if I don’t.”

Wonpil shook his head. “Didn’t you ever think you’re just staying with him because you couldn’t throw away the years of relationship you shared with him? I mean, it’s unfair if you still love Brian—”

“Does it still matter?” I cut him. “If I leave Jae, I will hurt him again. I don’t want to hurt Jae… I have to make up for my mistakes.”

“But you’re hurting yourself too, Jaemi… maybe you’re just blinded by the hopes of loving him again the same way as before while you continue to stay with him. Maybe you’re not really in love with him anymore… I mean, not in the same way. Maybe you just care for him now and that’s it. It’s no longer the same romantic love you had for him before. You just feel like you’re obliged to reciprocate the kindness he has shown you out of love because you’re guilty… and you’re just being stupid because you think it’s still love.”

I was dumbfounded by the sudden pouring of life lessons from Wonpil. I wasn’t supposed to feel annoyed, but I am annoyed. I don’t like how he’s labelling my feelings for Jae as something shallow. I may not love Jae as deep as I have loved him before, but I still love him. It’s still love that I am feeling for him.

“You told me I should stand firm with my decisions. I already chose him, Pil. I may not love him like the way I loved him before, but we’ll get there again. Soon, we will.”

Wonpil fell silent for a while before heaving another sigh _. “And I told you we always choose the wrong people for ourselves…”_ he muttered, which I didn’t hear clearly.

“What did you say?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

And then the question I’ve been meaning to ask him for the longest time was at the tip of my tongue again. I mustered courage to inquire about this, but I was afraid to know the answer.

“Pil…” I called him. “Do you hate me?”

He just looked at me, surprised by my sudden question. I bit my lip. “For cheating on Jae.”

Wonpil’s brows furrowed. He shook his head. “No. Why would I?”

“I mean, Jae is your friend…”

“So?” he retorted. “If that’s the case, well, Brian is also my friend. You too, we’re friends. Do I have to hate all three of you for getting me involved with this mess?”

I was lost for words. Wonpil is just like what Brian told me about before. He’s very observant about everything around him. And at times when I’m losing my reason, he’s there to tell me about things rationally. He doesn’t take sides, and I’m really thankful to have him as my friend.

Wonpil sighed for the nth time, “I told you, it sucks to be in my place.”

I could only laugh at him, still bothered by the words he said earlier.

Days passed quickly and it was already the last day of my review before I could have a Christmas break. I told Jae I couldn’t come over until next week—which is also the start of his Christmas break—because I wanted to surprise him with a trip for the both of us to Jeju and spend Christmas there. It’s still his last day of classes for this year and also a busy season for him so I don’t want to get in the way.

The review ended late and my stomach was already growling. I gazed at my wristwatch, it was already 8 in the evening. I haven’t eaten anything since lunch time and now I feel like I could eat a horse. The review was intensive and it almost drained my energy.

As soon as I got out of the review center, I was startled by the way everything around me lit up with dazzling lights and as the cold wind blew against my skin.

I took a deep breath while feeling the ends of my lips tug into a smile as I was reminded of a beautiful memory. I gazed up at the huge tree at my far front that was heavily ornate with Christmas lights and I felt my chest tighten. I closed my eyes, trying to relive the memory I had last winter.

I tried to remember how beautiful it was, but I could only recall how I left the place and broke the person I came there with.

As soon as I opened my eyes, I froze at what I saw.

If not for the biting cold frost that was on my skin, I would think that I was dreaming. My heart started to race in a familiar pace and it hurts, it hurts so much to breathe. A very familiar guy wearing a long winter coat was there.

_He was there._

I was looking at him and he was looking at me as well, sluggish strides shortened the distance between us.

The urge to run away was getting more and more intense, but I couldn’t even move an inch. I just felt my heart drop and shatter when he was finally in front of me.

“I missed you,” he whispered with a sad smile.

 _“Brian…”_ I called his name softly.

The wind blew his hair—his hair that was different from what I remember about him. He grew it longer again, fringe almost covering his eyes that were still glued on me. His lips still look inviting as they etched a painful smile, hurting my heart in the process.

It’s been almost a year since I last saw him… and all this time I thought I have already overcome the pain… that it doesn’t hurt as much as before… but now, it’s hurting again. The pain is intensifying again.

My throat tightened in pain and I swallowed the lump that was blocking the air that I was dying to breathe.

“W-When did you come back?” I asked nervously, heart pounding so loud I was afraid he could hear it.

Brian reached for my hand as he took a deep breath. “I missed you so much…”

Like I was burned, I swatted away his hand. Why am I even conversing with him? From what I remember, the last conversation we had was already a goodbye for the both of us. And as much as I might have missed him, I shouldn’t even be telling him that.

“I… I have to go now…” I tried to walk past him but then he caught my wrist, making me halt my steps. And I fought so hard to cease my tears from falling.

He pulled me and enveloped me in his arms, my back still facing him.

_Stop, please._

_It hurts so much._

“I waited so long to have you in my arms again, sugar…” he whispered.

That endearment…

I shook my head. “Brian, I told you… It’s over for the both of us… Just… move forward. Like what I chose to do. Just find someone else—”

“It’s still you…” he muttered against my ear and the pain in my chest just intensified. “I don’t want to love anyone else if it’s not you…”

I struggled to break away from his hold but he just hugged me tighter.

“I’m here to take you back.” he declared.

My breath hitched. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks as I remembered how I left him about a year ago.

The pain I hid at the deepest part of my heart resurfaced again. My treacherous heart knew that its owner has come back and the feelings I’ve hidden for the longest time have reemerged.

I knew that I still love him, and I hate it.

I hate it so much. I hate how I feel like all the time I struggled to move forward, with just one touch from him, I was back to square one.

I hate it. I already made my decision. And that decision is to leave him.

Mustering my remaining strength, I removed his arms that were embracing me and faced him.

“Please stop! I already told you… we’re over! I’m happy now with Jae! Stop confusing me again!”

Brian shook his head as he took a deep breath. “You didn’t love me the way I love you, and I was fine with it. I will settle for anything you can give me, I was fine with everything because that’s how crazy I am for you! You asked me to go away, I did! I did everything you wanted me to do because I love you, even if it means I’d see less of you!”

I choked back my tears as I watched him lose his cool again in front of me. Brian gazed up to calm himself down but to no avail, tears started to dwell on his eyes too.

He bit his lip before he gazed back at me. “Because I love you, and anything you want I will fucking give it to you! Even if you can’t love me the way I love you, it’s okay. Even if it’s only a tiny bit of affection, it’s okay, as long as you feel something for me! I’m fine with that!”

I pushed him away when he attempted to pull me again and enclose me within his arms.

“If you really love me, you’d give me what will make me happy. I’m happy with Jae. So just leave me now and stop making things difficult again for me!”

Brian’s jaw dropped at what I said. He looked at me like he couldn’t process everything I spat out.

He scoffed and shook his head. “You fucking listen to me.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do—”

“He’s lying to you all this fucking time!”

My gut clenched at what he said and I slapped him.

Slowly, I shook my head, tears still streaming down my face. “Don’t you dare try to ruin Jae’s image to me just so you can get what you fucking want.”

I can’t believe he’s resorting to this just so he could get his hands to what he wants. Before, I couldn’t believe that he could actually betray his best friend and steal his girlfriend. But now that he’s doing this, I know. He’s vile. He’ll do anything, even through the most atrocious means just so he can get what he wants.

I thought he’d have the slightest decency of sparing Jae, even just for the sake of the years of friendship they had. But I guess just like before, I thought wrong again.

Before he could even lay another finger on me, I ran away towards my car. I should have done this earlier. I shouldn’t have exchanged words with him again if I knew that he would be spouting lies right into my face.

Jae has been nothing but a very good person to me. Even my mom has a very strong faith in him. The only conflict we had was about his time and dreams, and I can’t believe someone would actually dare to stain his name when all this time, he’s done nothing wrong to anyone.

I drove to Jae’s apartment as fast as I could, I didn’t even worry anymore about not telling him beforehand since I said we’ll be meeting next week and I was planning to tell him tomorrow about our trip to Jeju, but I am so hurt and annoyed right now that I want to see Jae. I want to see him. I need to be with him. When I’m with Jae, I feel secured. I feel protected.

I hissed when I looked at the rearview mirror and saw a familiar Range Rover tailing my car. Damn this vulgar man. Always so persistent!

I managed to lose him when the traffic lights went red right after I passed by and he had to stop. I took the chance and drove faster and soon enough, I arrived at Jae’s apartment. I still had to park at the basement and my heart was pounding like crazy inside my chest as I took the elevator to the floor where his unit was.

My extremities were quivering so hard as I pressed the passcode. The moment it opened, I ran my way inside that I don’t even know if I closed it properly or not. The living room was dark, and I also didn’t see Jae’s car below so I guess he’s not here. I’ll just wait for him in his room and calm myself down first before I tell him about Brian and the lies he dared to tell me.

Strangely, my hands were getting colder and colder with every step I took, in contrast to the comfort this place usually gives me as it gives me the assurance that Jae is here, and when Jae is there, I will not get hurt.

I stood in front of the door of his room and turned the knob to open it. I wanted to sprint towards the bed to lie down and contemplate about my messy life but I was stunned with what I saw.

Jimin was there, sitting on the bed with only the comforter covering her naked body, hair messy, eyes rounding in horror as she stared at me while I remained standing by the door, stupefied.

“Jaemi…” she softly called, and I never thought I would loathe the way my name rolls on her tongue as much as I loathe it right now.

The door of the bathroom inside Jae’s bedroom opened and there came Jae with only his pants, hair dishevelled, eyes coldly looking at Jimin. “Don’t ever come back here again—”

Jae froze and I watched as his gaze diverted from Jimin to me who was still standing in front of them.

I was aghast. I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do and my throat felt so dry as hot drops of tears began to roll again down my face as my world shattered right in front of my eyes.

Before I could even utter a word, if I could still actually do that in my state, I felt a pair of arms pulling me from the back and wreathing me, burying my head on his chest.

Brian cursed. “Don’t look at those motherfuckers.”

And then he let me go before he furiously punched Jae square in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> (( I really appreciate your comments ))
> 
> pls talk to me ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Chinese New Year, y'all :)

I watched as Jae fell on the floor while Brian breathed heavily, knuckles almost white as he gripped on nothingness—manifesting his poor self-control and fury with his fists.

“W-What… what is…” I couldn’t even finish a damn sentence.

“You bastard!” I heard Brian curse as he wrapped his fingers around Jae’s neck, making him stand on his feet.

The loud pounding of my heart rang in my head. My hands were shaking so hard, eyes remained pinned on the half-naked Jae on the floor who was also looking at me, eyes rounding in horror.

I couldn’t breathe.

I shifted my gaze back to my damn best friend that was hurrying to collect and wear all the clothes scattered on the floor which were probably stripped by… by…

“H-How could you… How could you do this to me!”

My eyes were blurry from all tears and my legs felt weak and quivery but the growing fury in me fuelled me to run towards Jimin who was still in the middle of wearing her button-down dress. I pulled her hair as the pain and anger intensified, and as I felt my sanity slowly being yanked away.

“How dare you do this to me!” I shouted in a strained voice before slapping her from left to right, repeating it as tears continued to fall from my eyes. “How dare you betray me… How dare you do this to me, Jimin!”

I slapped her again and I don’t give a fuck if I benumb my palms from all these. Of all people… of all people who would do this to me…

Before my palms could even land on her face again, Jae stood in the middle, catching my hands to keep me from slapping the bitch again.

“Jaemi, please… love, listen to me—”

“Don’t you dare call me that!” I slapped him.

Jimin took the chance to escape, scampering towards the door. I was about to run after her when Jae stopped me, making me face him.

I slapped him again.

I caterwauled. My throat was burning in so much pain… in so much restraint. It’s not enough. I don’t want to just slap them. I want to inflict to them the exact pain I am feeling right now because fuck. I feel like dying looking at Jae like this… not even denying what I’ve just witnessed.

“How… h-how could you do this to me…” my voice broke together with my heart.

Jae’s lips were trembling as he looked at me disoriented, not knowing where to begin.

The strength I mustered earlier was slowly deteriorating. I feel lightheaded and I feel like falling anytime. My heart throbbed in so much pain.

Jae shook his head as he tried to reach for my hand. “No… Let me explain…”

I felt an arm draping on my shoulders, pulling me to distance myself from Jae. Brian took a deep breath before he faced me. “Listen… I’ll… I’ll take you home now. You should go home now—”

“You told her?” Jae’s betrayed tone reverberated, making my ears ring in anger.

He’s asking him if he told me?

Brian really knew all this time?

Brian blatantly ignored him and just held both of my cheeks so I would look at him despite all the tears that were endlessly streaming down my face.

Another deep breath was out before he told me again, “Go home… Sugar, please…”

But my heart doesn’t want to. I pushed Brian away so I would be able to see Jae again, and every second I spent looking at him shattered all the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m not a saint. I have my own fair share of mistakes. I betrayed him, and I am aware of my sins. Right now, I am furious, but more than that, I am hurt.

Because I tried.

I tried so hard to make up for my mistakes, in hopes of being worthy to be forgiven. All this time I thought we were already doing okay, and that I was the only one at fault, but I guess it’s all just in my mind. I betrayed him, and this is what I got. In the end, he betrayed me too.

I took small steps towards Jae and I saw how his gaze softened as he watched me approach him.

“You’re fucking her on the same bed you are fucking me?” my voice faltered in so much pain and heavy weight of betrayal I’m feeling.

“You’re fucking her on the same bed you’re fucking me!” I repeated, now raising my voice again. Jae’s mouth parted but no words came out and it broke me even more.

Brian cursed again after hearing the words I just uttered, before striking another blow on Jae’s face.  Jae didn’t even bother to fight back.

And that alone spoke volumes.

I stood there, feeble, not knowing what else to do but to cry as if my life depended on it.

“If I knew that you would do this again I would’ve not stepped aside when she told me she was going to choose you!”

Jae pushed Brian before finally punching him back. He spat the blood from his mouth before growling, “Don’t act like a saint, you asshole! We’re just the same here! What makes us different is that Jaemi is mine and not yours so fuck off and stop meddling in our relationship!”

“Fuck you!” Brian roared before landing another punch straight on Jae’s face, his voice laced with burning fury.

With a heavy heart, I turned my back on them before running away despite feeling my legs tremble. It was suffocating and staying longer would kill me. I can’t breathe. I’m disoriented. My mind was too hazy and I was preoccupied and it was a miracle that I came out of his apartment alive.

I headed to the parking space at the basement and fiddled with my car keys, eyes still welling tears, but before I could even open my car door I felt someone pull me away.

It was Brian, the side of his lips bruised and cut with slight blood, looking at me with such doleful eyes.

“You knew…” I said in a small voice, tears still falling nonstop. “You knew… and you never told me…”

Brian closed his eyes firmly, like he was having a hard time to deal with everything. I struggled to remove his grip on my arm but he just held me tighter.

I wiped my tears to pin my gaze on him. “I’m so pitiful, aren’t I?” I blurted out a wry laugh. “I cheated on him, and then it turns out he was also cheating on me. It’s fucking karma and I deserve it—”

Brian pulled me to his chest. “No, sugar... listen. This is not your fault. I was saving you from him. You don't have to feel guilty about... what we had. It was never your fault. It was mine.”

With my little strength, I moved away from him. “You were saving me from him?” I scoffed. “If you really wanted to save me, you should have just told me and not dragged me into this mess! You’re selfish! You’re selfish!”

I tried to run away again but my attempts remained futile. Brian held both of my shoulders and I saw how distressed his expression was as he tried to make me face him while I removed again his hold.

“Yes, I’m selfish! I love you and I'm selfish! I want you for myself that's why I took my chances to steal you from him!”

Swallowing the painful lump on my throat, I shook my head. No. He’s lying, just like what he’s always done. Because he’s just like him. He’s just like them.

“I don’t want to listen to any of your bullshits anymore—”

“See?” he pulled his hair in frustration, sweat trickling on his forehead. “This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. If I told you, would you believe me? No. You will never. You never believed in anything I told you. Whatever I do, they’re always futile because fuck, it will take an eternity before I can make you believe me.”

Memories of all the times Jae neglected me came rushing back.

The times he must have spent with Jimin while I waited with my poor heart, hoping he would call me suddenly but never did he.

The times I was suffering alone but then Brian came… to comfort me… to tell me everything was fine…

And then it hit me.

My lips trembled as the words I was scared of escaped from my mouth. I looked up at him, heart pounding in fear.

“When you started to spend time with me… during the time Jae was neglecting me… did you… do that so I wouldn’t notice that… something was wrong with Jae? Is that why Jae… entrusted me to you?”

Brian’s gaze fell to the ground, and I almost heard the shattering sound of my heart.

“I’m sorry…”

I slapped him, hand still shaking, heart still hurting. And then I fell on the ground, robbed of my strength.

“You... all of you... you just toyed with me this whole time...”

So it was two years ago.

It was two years ago since they started to make a fool out of me.

Brian shook his head as he kneeled down to desperately reach for my hand and I was too weak to protest. I don’t know what to do anymore. I was stripped of my senses except for pain.

“Jaemi, no, baby listen to me…” he begged as he held my hand with his that were ice cold, the familiar warmth now gone. “Please listen to me…”

I couldn’t even utter a word, only my muffled cries came out as he rested my head on his shoulder, his hand on the small of my back, while he remained kneeling.

“At first… at first I didn’t care. I thought, it’s Jae’s life and I had no right to tell him what to do since I myself fuck around too… but Jaemi, fuck, I was struck hard by this goddamn thing they call love while I was making sure you won’t know about Jae’s secret. All the times I spent with you… I wanted that. I wanted all of that! That’s why I decided to finally tell you, but just like what you always say, who would believe a playboy, anyway? You would only see it as me trying to ruin Jae’s name… so I had to earn your trust the hard way…” he whispered, voice shaking as he slowly wreathed me in his arms.

Brian let out a deep breath to stifle his sobs. “Because fuck. If he won’t treasure you, then I will. I fucking will. Whatever means I have to take, I will do it to have you. To save you from him. To save you from him who is a beast just like me. Because Jaemi, I may be a beast, but I’m a beast that is your slave. You’re the only one who can tame me. Fuck. I can’t even visualize my life without you.”

Brian moved away to hold both sides of my face and there I saw his eyes glistening in tears, pain flickering on them, lips trembling as he tried his best to speak with me.

“I’m done playing games, sugar. Now please, stop running away. Because I’m done chasing you. Please, just let me love you…”

If I heard this before, I would have melted in his arms. Because God knows just how much I yearned to be with him again… but no.

I pushed him away and tried to stand. I almost fell again but I did my best to support myself because reality checks: I only have myself. I have no one else to trust but myself.

I wiped my tears before gazing back at Brian. “Let you love me? Why would I? Why would I let someone so selfish have the best of me again?” I watched as he froze on his spot as I struggled to open the door of my car. “You just prolonged my agony. You're just like him… You're both liars and _you_ made me like the both of you.”

Brian marched steps towards me. “Okay… I understand… be mad at me. I deserve that. I deserve your wrath. But please remember, I’m not your enemy… The world can turn against you but never will I. I will never do anything to hurt you…”

Tears. They’re all there is.

“But I’m hurting, Brian… I’m hurting… I’m hurting so bad…” I responded in a small voice, and Brian could only look at me helplessly as I entered my car.

I don’t know how but I managed to drive my way out of the suffocating place I was in earlier. I drove aimlessly, not knowing where exactly I would go. My tears just wouldn’t cease too and it wasn’t helping.

I just found myself in front of a familiar gate, ringing the doorbell. My thoughts have gone haywire and I’m not sure where to go but this is the last place I can think of.

The gate opened and I saw how Nayeon’s wide smile disappeared.

“Jaemi, what happened?” she worriedly asked.

I swallowed again to calm myself. I can’t breakdown here.

“C-Can I…” my lips were trembling. Before I could even finish my sentence, Nayeon pulled me inside wordlessly towards their house. We went straight to her room, and Nayeon remained holding my hand the whole time.

Nayeon guided me to her bed and made me sit down and I stared at her, not knowing what to say. She took a deep breath before telling me she’ll go downstairs first to get water. She went back immediately and helped me drink the water because my hands just won’t stop shaking, and I knew that Nayeon took it as another sign that something terrible just happened.

Terrible is an understatement.

“Jaemi…” she softly called as she slowly caressed my back, calming me down.

“Nayeon they… they lied to me…” my voice was hoarse and shaking, and Nayeon looked at me intently to comprehend what I was saying.

“Who lied to you? Tell me…”

I know that the weight of my problem is starting to dwell on her too and I don’t want that, but if I don’t let this out, I might go crazy.

“Jae and Jimin… I-I went to Jae’s apartment and… I s-saw them… Jimin was… Jimin was…” I burst into tears and Nayeon instantly pulled me for a hug. “Nayeon they… they were doing it behind my back… For two years… they were doing this behind my back… Nayeon it hurts so much… It hurts so much…”

Nayeon tightened the hug and continued to caress my back in attempts to calm me down but nothing can placate me and ease the pain I’m feeling right now.

“Jimin… what do you mean… oh God…” Nayeon sighed.

I couldn’t respond. My breaths were getting heavy again and Nayeon immediately reached for the glass of water she set on the small table near her bed and made me drink it again.

“How could she do this to you? And how could Jae do this? I thought…” Nayeon’s voice trailed off as she observed my pitiful state.

Nayeon started to tear up too and I hate it. Because I am aware that the reason she’s like this is because she pities me. And I hate how I’m getting her involved again with my messy life.

Nayeon has always been the one to cheer me up, every single time I feel like I’m losing myself. And seeing her like this… all because I was betrayed by our other _best friend_ … it’s hurting me even more.

“I hate her… how could she do this to you?” Nayeon’s tears began to fall and her brows creased while still looking at me and caressing my back. “I hate them! I hate the both of them!”

Nayeon was furious.

It’s not a sight that I get to see normally. She has a very long patience, and as much as she can, she will try and understand both parties before giving her opinion. But right now, I don’t think I’m looking at the same Nayeon I knew. I don’t think she’s willing to listen to anyone’s explanations right now.

My tears were still falling nonstop and so were hers. Nayeon is the only one I have now. Ever since we were children, we’ve been best of friends. And I still remember how we met Jimin when we started college and we all instantly clicked.

How I wish I stayed home that day.

If I knew that she would just betray me in the end, with such an agonizing betrayal, I wouldn’t have become friends with her. I loved her like my own sister, just like how I treated Nayeon. Because I didn’t want her to feel left out just because Nayeon and I have spent years as best friends, I didn’t want her to feel alone. I did my best so I would be a good friend to her. Never did I think of betraying her… but then maybe it’s just me who’s thinking we were on the same wavelength.

And that’s what makes betrayal painful. Because you don’t anticipate them to happen, but they do. And they come from the people closest to you.

I slept for about only two hours, and in those two hours, I would jolt awake every now and then, before I decided to just spend my time staring at the ceiling of Nayeon’s room until sunrise.

I watched how the sky break out into shades of yellow and orange, how it cried white tears and how it went back to shades of orange and red. The beautiful scenery that I have always loved.

The sunset.

A never-ending goodbye.

 _Never-ending._ Because everyday, it ends. And the next day, it starts again, only to end once more. A cycle that is not ceasing.

It’s beautiful, but why do beautiful things always have to end?

A stray tear fell when I remembered, _we_ too, were beautiful. But here we are now.

The sun has set already and Nayeon was still looking at me from her bed as I remained sitting beside her room’s window—and I’ve been sitting here the whole day.

“Jaemi… You haven’t eaten anything…” she was worried again and I felt sorry for adding more things that she’s stressing about.

“I’m not hungry…” I smiled at her weakly. “Thank you…”

Nayeon heaved a deep sigh before striding towards me and pulling me into another hug. “You don’t have to thank me… you know that. I’m always here for you through thick and thin, remember?”

I hugged her back as I recalled how the three of us used to promise to be there for one another, _through thick and thin._

But now it’s back to only me and Nayeon. And I wonder why we ever let a snake into our lives.

“Oh no…” Nayeon whispered, alarming me. She broke the hug and looked at her window. “Shit…”

I was surprised by her cursing so I looked at the window too and I saw Jae standing in front of the gate. Nayeon pulled me to move away from the window while her expression remained the same: irritated. She took a deep breath before looking at me.

“I’ll just shoo that guy away, you stay here, okay? I got you.” She reassured me before going out.

The pain in my chest intensified again. My heart ached so bad that even though Nayeon told me to stay put, I went down and stood behind the door and opened it a bit to peek at them.

And then I saw Jae kneeling in front of Nayeon.

Tears welled in my eyes again when I heard him beg Nayeon. “Please, Nayeon… you’re the only one who she would tell her whereabouts to… please tell me where she is… or tell me she’s fine… please…”

And then I witnessed the most shocking thing Nayeon has ever done in front of me.

She slapped Jae.

Nayeon was never violent. She believed that problems can always be solved through talks. But right now, it’s not the same Nayeon I knew that I’m seeing.

“How dare you show up here… after what you’ve done to her?” another slap. “Why don’t you just go back to that whore and die in her arms for all we care!”

Before Nayeon could turn her back on him, Jae caught her hand and stopped her. “Nayeon, please… I’m begging you… I want to talk to her… Please…”

I gasped when Nayeon was about to slap Jae again but her hand stopped halfway, and instead, she started wiping her tears.

“She loved you… with all her heart… I was a witness of that…” Nayeon was crying. She wiped her tears angrily before pushing Jae. “She loved you! She chose you! I was there when you ghosted her for over a year and I knew that she deserved better but I kept mum because I knew too that she wouldn’t listen to me if I tell her to leave you! Because you’re fucking worthless but to her you were worth everything!”

“What are you so proud of? Your rich family background? Your high grades? Your huge circle of friends? You think any of that has worth when you can’t even pay attention to your own girlfriend who almost devoted herself to you!?” Nayeon’s voice was getting higher and higher and I wanted to run to her and stop her from hurting Jae, but I couldn’t even move.

Jae shook his head, still on his knees. “I’m sorry… Please let me talk to her—”

“And you really think you still deserve to talk to her?! All of you… you were tugging the strings and were just playing with her all this time… all of you! You all don’t deserve Jaemi’s love!”

Before Jae could even say something, Nayeon pushed him again and quickly went back to close the gate. “Leave! You don’t deserve her!”

I watched as Nayeon took consecutive deep breaths before wiping her tears again. Slowly, she walked towards their house and she was surprised to see me standing by their door.

“W-Why are you here?” she made another failed attempt of wiping her tears and faking a smile. I didn’t respond and just looked at her, and she did the same.

I didn’t have the guts to say anything. I couldn’t even thank her because as much as I am hurt because of Jae, I hate the fact that I was hurt watching him in pain.

Stupid Jaemi. After all he’s done, you’re still being like this?

We wordlessly went back to her room and I finally started eating the meal she gave me. Her parents weren’t around today too, and Nayeon said they will come back next week so I don’t have to worry about being seen by them in this ugly state.

Hours passed and I was still in a non-functioning state.

I tried so hard to sleep but I couldn’t. I would always think about what I saw last night. I would always think about how they betrayed me… how Jimin looked so unapologetic… how Jae couldn’t speak up about what I witnessed… how Brian actually helped keep Jae’s secret from me… how everyone betrayed me.

I crumpled my dress right where my heart was in, trying to hold onto it as if I could physically grasp on the pain and take it out of my chest.

It hurts. I can’t sleep. Because it hurts.

I’m blaming myself because I did him wrong… but even after knowing that he’s been doing this to me for the longest time, I’m still blaming myself.

Because I should’ve left right there and then.

I should’ve left when I knew I was the only one exerting efforts to keep our relationship alive.

I should’ve left even if I couldn’t… because if I did, it wouldn’t have ended this way… I wouldn’t be hurting this much… I wouldn’t have given them the power to hurt me this much…

Nayeon stirred beside me, before creasing her forehead. “Why are you still awake? It’s…” she gazed at the clock on the wall. “It’s only almost 4 in the morning… you should sleep…”

She didn’t make me sleep in their guestroom. She made me sleep again beside her, just like when we were kids. Nayeon said she doesn’t want me to stay alone especially if she can actually accompany me. I didn’t bother arguing anymore. I don’t have the strength to do so.

She got up, telling me she’ll just get water downstairs. I didn’t even react to what she told me and continued staring at the ceiling. It was raining hard and I could hear the angry raindrops falling on the roof of their house.

Before Nayeon could advance more steps, she stopped by her window, grabbing my attention. She palmed her face before taking a deep breath and pulling her thick jacket to wear it.

“Where are you going?” I queried, now sitting on the bed.

Nayeon looked at me and sighed again. “He’s… he’s still there. I’m sorry, I’ll just make him go away—”

“I’m going out.” I stood up, making Nayeon’s jaw drop.

“What? Just stay here! I’ll be the one to send him away you don’t have to worry—”

I fixated my gaze on her before uttering in a small voice, “Please…”

A dead silence followed. Nayeon just stared at me, conflicted as to whether she’ll let me go out or stay here as she sends him away.

In the end, she couldn’t do anything but to let me. Nayeon slowly nodded in defeat. “If you don’t want to talk to him anymore, remember the best way to end a conversation.”

My brows furrowed. “What is it?”

“Slap him.” she crossed her arms.

I beamed her a weak smile before nodding and taking my coat. Nayeon handed me an umbrella and I had no choice but to take it.

My steps suddenly became sluggish as I approached nearer to the gate. Slowly, and with a heavy and painful heart, I opened the gate.

Jae was sitting on the ground—he jolted awake when he heard the creaking sound from the gate. As soon as he saw me, he stood up, but didn’t dare to take steps to get near me.

My heart broke at the sight of him drenched, cold, and shaking. He was standing there, mouth slightly parted as he looked at me, surprised. He took a step forward, only to take another back. Jae was shaking as he bit his lip. “Jaemi… L-Let’s talk, please…”

My grip on the handle of the umbrella tightened when I heard his voice. I felt knives stabbing my heart, making it hard for me to breathe.

“What else do we have to talk about? I’ve seen everything. I’m now aware of how stupid you made me all this time. What lies are you going to feed me this time?”

I almost applauded myself for being able to speak in a full voice despite feeling my strength dwindle with every second that passes.

The pouring of the rain became heavier and my heart ached when I saw Jae shiver.

I took a deep breath before gazing up to stop my tears from falling.

“Tell me honestly…” I started. “When… when did this start? And why did you do this to me?”

I was scared. I wanted to ask him but I was so scared of what might be his answer. I know that I already was aware that it started two years ago, but I wanted to hear it from him.

Jae swallowed hard before taking a deep breath and a step forward, trying to reach for me. I instantly avoided his attempt to hold me, making me drop my umbrella.

Rain started to pour down the both of us. Jae bit his lip before ducking his head.

“It was… two years ago…” he began. I was somehow relieved that he was finally starting to tell me the truth, but no matter what I do, the truth still hurts.

He just confirmed that everything started two years ago… and it was really two years ago since they all made a fool out of me.

“Sometime in February… when I was so stressed over everything but I couldn’t tell you because… because I didn’t want you to know how I was slowly drifting away from being the perfect boyfriend I was for you… I was flunking my subjects because I don’t want to do it anymore… but I couldn’t stop because my family would never let me… I didn’t want you to know and… I don’t… I don’t know… it wasn’t on purpose…” Jae’s hands were shaking profusely and I watched how his shoulders moved up and down. “It happened… between Jimin and I… we were both drunk and…”

I closed my eyes as I felt the pain in my chest double while I listened to him talk about them… confirming everything.

“I didn’t want it to happen. I swear I didn’t… but… Jimin didn’t want to let go. She told me she’s willing to give me everything you can’t and—”

“Everything I can’t?” I repeated. “And everything means… sex? Because I couldn’t give it to you?”

Jae shook his head. “No, please, that’s not what—”

“I couldn’t give it to you so you looked for someone else to satisfy your fucking needs? I wasn’t enough, is that it?” tears rolled down my face, mixing with the raindrops that were falling on me.

Jae was crying too.

Jae who almost never cries, was crying again in front of me.

My throat hurt so much as I restrained myself from screaming, suppressing my anger.

Jae fell on his knees and tried to reach for my hand. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“It’s my fault because I couldn’t satisfy your sexual needs?” I tearfully asked to which Jae eagerly shook his head to.

“I don’t love her… I never loved her… Jaemi, please… I’m sorry… I’m sorry—”

I slapped him.

“You’re all amazing. Wow… just… wow. You all made a fool out of me.” my voice started to falter, the strong façade I was trying to maintain earlier was now gone.

“Two years, Jae… Two fucking years! While I was stupidly waiting for you… while I was always begging for you to spare some of your time for me… you couldn’t give me any because you were giving your time to someone else!”

Jae held onto my waist and hugged me while he was still on his knees and I struggled to break away, but he only tightened his hold. “Love, I don’t know what’s gotten into me… Please forgive me…”

“You don’t know? You don’t know?!” I started hitting him, vehement pain fuelling my anger. “You told me… there will be no more lies between us! You promised me, Jae!”

Cars were passing by the street, adding to the cacophony of the heavy rain and the loud pounding of my heart.

Jae gazed up at me, eyes bloodshot. He slowly shook his head. “I already ended everything a year ago… after that fight with you that I almost lost you… before I went to Japan… I already made everything clear to her that we’re over and that there was nothing really between us—”

“Then what did I see last night?”

“Jimin went and asked again last month for this… and—”

“And you gave in?!” I pushed him away, making him fall to the ground. “I’ve already given myself to you and… you still… you still…”

I caterwauled. The pain was already too much for me to take. Every word that comes out of Jae’s mouth is like a poisoned arrow aiming straight to my heart, slowly killing me.

“Last month… Just because I told you I’d be busy again… you easily came back to her and… and…” I took a step back when I saw him slowly stand up, anchoring himself on the gate.

Our gazes locked and my heart has never hurt this bad.

It pained me looking at his eyes.

His eyes that I have always loved to look at… his eyes that have always spoken the truth—the truth that he has loved _only me, and me alone._

But maybe it was the truth I only fooled myself into believing.

Maybe all this time, there has been nothing true between us.

_Nothing._

_It’s all lies._

_We’ve been feeding each other nothing but lies._

Jae remained looking at me without uttering a single word. I felt the cold breeze of air brush my skin amidst the downpour, and it made me yearn for the warmth he used to envelope me with.

“I chose you, Jae.” I clenched my fist, feeling the pain arise again. “I chose you over Brian. Even if I knew that I was stupid for always choosing you while you always leave me alone and it’s only Brian that is there for me. I chose you even if I knew that I would hurt him… I repeatedly chose you even if I knew it was already Brian that I love and I was only fooling myself that it was still you… because I couldn’t throw away the years of relationship I had with you… but it turns out I had nothing to hold on to because you already threw it away two years ago.”

“Jaemi…” he weakly called.

I shook my head. “I know that I have my own fair share of mistakes… I’m not forgetting anything. I cheated on you but I chose to stop and I chose to love you still… like how I thought you would choose me…”

 His brows creased as he looked at me. “We’re just the same. We cheated and—”

“And what? You want to call it even? I won't even be with him if you didn't fucking tell him to watch over me just so you can fuck around shamelessly!”

He was lost for words, and I had so much to say.

“Jae you knew… you knew how terrible I felt when you neglected me for over a year… even when I gave my attention to someone else I felt so terrible because I knew I was doing something wrong behind your back… and you… you’re not even sorry… even after all this time… you still did it to me…”

Still no response from him. I watched as he pulled his wet hair in so much frustration and as the rain continued to fall down on us. Jae closed his eyes firmly while I continued to cry my heart out. I took steps forward and then I started hitting his chest.

How could he do this to me… when all I ever did was to give myself to him?

“It was all sex, you say? But of all people, Jae… you really had to fuck my best friend?” I sounded so betrayed because that’s what I was. I was betrayed. I was betrayed by everyone. Everyone knew, except me. I was played. I was left in the dark.

“Was she so good that you became fuck buddies for two years? She was that amazing, Jae?” I hit him again but he didn’t even shield himself from me. “She was that amazing that even while you were already fucking me, she’d just ask you once and you will give in?”

Jae caught my wrists and shook his head again. “No… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“I never let Brian fuck me, do you know that?” I laughed wryly. “Oh, you knew, right? You probably were talking about me while he kept me busy so you could screw around? It was alright with you if I was with Brian as long as you were able to do what you wanted? Because… you wanted to break free?”

“No! Fuck, no… I… I love you and—”

Another slap across his face.

“How could you say you love me?” my voice was full of agony. “You only love yourself… you’re selfish. You took me back… made me believe for years that’s it’s only me… and that even if I made a mistake, it’s okay, because that’s how much you love me… but you were lying to me all this time…”

I felt my knees weaken and I almost fell but Jae caught me. Like touching fire, I moved away from him as if I got burned.

Every contact with him disgusts me.

“I loved you with my whole heart… with my entire being! Jae I devoted myself to you! Even if I had all the chances to choose someone else, I still came back to you because that’s how much I loved you! Jae… how… how could you do this to me…” my tears knew no end and just continued falling.

“It was a mistake! Love… Please, give me a chance—”

And then I remembered something… that bothered me so much before but I chose to ignore because I trusted him so much.

“Was it Jimin?” I asked him.

Jae gave me a confused look and I swallowed hard before uttering my next words.

“I called you once and I heard a girl moaning… and you said… it was only porn… was it Jimin?”

A deafening silence.

I fell on my knees at his silent confirmation.

So it was… her.

Jae knelt down to level his face with mine and he tried to hold my face but I instantly swatted his hands away. “Don’t you dare touch me!”

Jae froze. I pushed him away before I completely fell down to the ground, lower extremities all feeble.

“You touched her… you touched her with those hands…” I cried as I stared at his hands. Jae closed his eyes and took a deep breath, lips trembling from all crying.

“Do you know what hurts me the most, Jae?” I queried in a shaky voice, body shivering from the cold.

“It’s how all this time… I thought I was competing with your dreams… but it’s not even what’s taking you away from me.”

He didn’t respond again and it pained me even more.

“Why didn’t you just let me go when I told you we should break up if we’re just lying to each other like this?”

Jae shook his head as he wiped his tears away, only to be drenched again by the rain.

“No… I can’t lose you… No…”

This time, it was me who shook my head.

“Yes, you can. The moment you chose to screw her, you already chose to lose me. You already threw me away two years ago, Jae… you already did.”

Jae’s trembling hands found their way to mine and he held my hands tight, and I felt my heart shatter inside my chest.

“Please don’t leave me… I’m sorry… Jaemi, please… I can’t do this without you… Please…” he pleaded, but I can’t be stupid anymore.

“Just leave.”

I mustered strength to break away from his hold and to stand up. My vision was still blurry from all the tears that welled in my eyes. And my heart was still aching so much.

Without a word, I turned my back at him. I strode my way back inside Nayeon’s house, dripping wet, heart broken into irreversible pieces.

Nayeon didn’t pry anything from me anymore. She just handed me a robe and a towel and a set of clean clothes which I changed into. The moment the rain stopped, I went to my car at the garage and did what I deemed to be the best thing to do: to go home.

Home, where I am at ease.

Home… that was once _him_ … but now, it’s only a concrete building where I reside.

I should have known. He was too perfect. He was too good to be true.

_And too good to be true is always a red flag._

Jae was selfish. Brian was selfish. I was selfish.

We’re selfish because we have desires that we all want to be satisfied all at once. We’re selfish because we believed that unhappiness is selfless and to be happy, you have to be selfish. We wanted things that weren’t for us.

Every sin committed is always traced back to a selfish motive. And that’s what makes me selfish.

Because I’m not a saint.

I cheated. I lied.

_But look at where this selfish desire took me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> I love your comments ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ pls talk to me


	19. Chapter 19

Every decision in life is coupled by the risk of "make or break".

And he chose to break us.

He chose to break me.

_And he broke himself too without even knowing it._

Two months have passed and never did I leave home during those two long months. Holidays passed and I spent all of them alone within the suffocating 4 walls of my room. I watched as the cold white hugging the trees slowly grew less and less each day.

I shut everyone off completely. Even just the sound of my phone ringing infuriates me and I haven’t opened it again since last month.

It hurts so much waking up every morning and living in misery, because at this point I no longer have anyone to trust.

It’s difficult. It’s so difficult. It’s so painful being at my lowest like this.

I heard a soft knock on my door.

I didn’t respond and just covered myself with my comforter, knowing too well that I didn’t lock my door. Soon, the door creaked—sign that someone entered my room.

“Jaemi…” my mom softly called.

My heart hurt again when I felt her weight on the side of my bed, sitting beside me. I was still hiding under my comforter, ashamed to show her my tear-stained face.

I shut off even my own family because I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed of all my mistakes.

I’m ashamed of all my stupid decisions.

I’m ashamed that I just want to drown in my misery, wallow in it until I was dead.

I felt a hand atop my head, gently ruffling the hair that must have failed to be covered.

“I know there’s something wrong… You wouldn’t lock yourself up here for months if you’re okay… You’re not even talking to me… or your friends… Please talk to me, Jaemi…”

I didn’t respond. I remained silent while my heart pounded loudly in my chest.

“Where is Jae? It’s been a while since I saw him… How are the two of you?”

Pain pierced through my already wounded heart at her question.

How am I going to break it out to her that the man he trusted so much to love me with all his heart… is the reason why my heart is breaking right now crestfallenly?

A very heavy sigh was heard—it was from my mom.

“You don’t have plans to come back to review school anymore?” she queried once again.

I took a deep breath before wiping the tears that dared to fall while I was hiding. Slowly, I removed my comforter and faced my mom, but only my eyes were showing. I couldn’t afford to show her my trembling lips and hands.

I shook my head. “I’m okay… We’re okay… I just… need time for myself…”

She stared at me wordlessly, and I knew what that look meant. She doesn’t believe me. Who would believe someone saying they’re okay after isolating themselves for over 2 months?

She beamed me a small smile before heaving another sigh. “You know that you can always talk to me… Remember that, okay?” I nodded and she smiled. “Tell Jae to come over soon. I don’t know but I feel like I have to talk to him.”

My mom left a few moments of silence after. I couldn’t find it in me to answer her. And I couldn’t even tell her about Jae. I don’t want her to hate Jae… it would break her too once she finds out.

She loved Jae like her own son. That was how deep their bond was for the past 4 years.

And even that, Jae chose to break too.

I don’t even remember when the last time I had a decent sleep was. I don’t know how I managed to survive until now.

There were days when I wouldn’t eat anything… nights when I wouldn’t sleep a wink. And I hate myself for letting them get the best of me.

My gaze shifted to the setting sun outside my room’s window. Another day passed by a blur without me noticing. Another day passed by without my pain diminishing.

A soft sob escaped my lips. I just found myself standing in front of our framed photo.

It was taken during our first anniversary. He just won his badminton game and the next day would be his birthday, so I didn’t really expect him to take me to their club’s victory party—or so I thought.

It wasn’t any victory party. It was a surprise for me. The whole Gym 1 was filled with balloons and flowers—which I later found out were all fake because of his allergies, of course.

I remember Nayeon taking this photo, while I was holding the heart-shaped balloons and while Jae’s arms were enveloping my shoulders. He was still wearing his uniform and I was wearing a plain white dress. A huge “Happy Anniversary, Love” banner was hanging at the farthest back which was still visible in the photo. Before Nayeon could click the camera, Jae snatched a kiss.

_It was a photo of us kissing._

My heart throbbed in so much pain as I recalled our bittersweet memories. All this time, I thought I was hindering him from being successful… from achieving his dreams… from his desire of being finally free… but it turns out, it wasn’t his dreams that I was competing with.

It was him.

It was him all along.

I shifted my gaze to the mirror in front of me and watched how my reflection showed an epitome of ugliness.

I am ugly. Inside. And outside.

My lips were pale and the bags under my eyes were big and dark. My cheeks were tear-stained and my hair was a mess. It made me ponder, why did I let them do this to me?

Four years. Four years, I loved him. I chose him. I chose to stay, even if I was aware that the best thing I could have done before was to walk away from our unhappy relationship. Why did I let myself believe that our relationship would get better? Why did I fool myself into believing that it was all my fault… because I couldn’t be supportive of him with the things he wanted to do that didn’t involve me?

Why did I believe that there is no such thing as a successful relationship that’s why it was okay to hold on until everything falls back into place?

Why did I let them betray me?

How could they betray me… for the longest time?

Another episode of Jaemi’s pity party is commending. I pity myself so much for being stupid… for being weak… for not having the resolve to choose myself above anyone else. Questions flooded my mind again together with the memories I wanted to forget.

I took a deep breath before wiping a tear that rolled down my cheek. Maybe I have isolated myself long enough. Maybe it’s time to finally face people so I can finally move forward.

I took the longest shower I’ve had for the past months. My movements were sluggish as water continued to descend from the metallic head above me. When I went out of the bathroom, it was already dark.

It was the first time I stepped out of our house ever since I went home that day… ever since that painful day.

I knew that I still wasn’t emotionally ready to drive so I just took a cab and went to Nayeon’s place. As soon as I rang the doorbell, she opened the gate almost immediately and I watched as her eyes rounded in surprise, before she tackled me with a bear hug.

“Jaemi!!!” she sobbed in my ears, making me laugh softly. Nayeon’s arms were embracing me tightly and I didn’t bother to break away from it.

“Do you know how worried I was? Why weren’t you answering my calls? And you won’t even come out of your room whenever I would go to your house—”

“—Can you take me to Jimin? I want to talk to her.”

I don’t plan on beating around the bush. Nayeon looked at me like I just spoke Greek. Her brows were furrowed, gaze was shaky. I inhaled sharply before smiling at her.

“I have to talk to her.”

I have to. Or else, I will go crazy over thinking of the possible answers to the question— _Why?_

_Why did she do it to me?_

_Why did she betray me?_

_Why does it have to be Jae, of all people?_

Nayeon remained looking at me silently, before sighing in defeat.

“Let’s get inside first.”

Her mom was the only one at their home and I was confused when she didn’t even bother asking me anything since it’s been a long time since I last went here. She just smiled at me, like she knew everything and I no longer have to explain. My heart ached at the look she threw me, a gaze that screamed nothing but pity. I just averted my gaze and sat quietly on their couch.

“My car actually broke down yesterday so… I’ll ask Sungjin to take us there.” Nayeon gently squeezed my hand. “Have you eaten dinner? Do you want to eat here?”

I shook my head. I could only smile as a response.

We spent the next hour in silence, my hands got colder and colder as I watched the hands of the wall clock move. The doorbell rang again and we stood up simultaneously.

It must be Sungjin.

The night was hollow and the wind was cold. I sauntered behind Nayeon and stepped back when she opened the gate, and then my heart leapt in surprise when I saw who was standing outside—a familiar coat. A more familiar man. And the most familiar feeling has arisen.

Nayeon was surprised too and she took steps sideways to hide me. “What the hell are you doing here again? Where’s Sungjin?”

Brian inhaled deeply before shaking his head. “I know she’s here.”

Nayeon fidgeted as she tried to push me towards the side and hide, closing the gap of the gate. Her brows met then she pushed Brian away. “Go away. She's not here! How many times do I have to tell you that—”

“Sungjin told me Jaemi is here. Please let me talk to her...” Brian pleaded softly.

Listening to Brian beg again like this threw daggers to my heart. But more than the pain I was feeling, the anger I felt towards them for betraying me was still burning… and I don’t think it will die anytime soon.

Nayeon massaged her temple before sighing. “Not today, please. We're... going somewhere...”

“Then I'll take you there! Please, Nayeon... please... let me see her... please...”

“She doesn't want to see you!”

“Nayeon.” I interfered.

Nayeon froze as I marched baby steps and walked past her so I would face Brian. Brian was the same: he wasn’t moving, his gaze remained glued on me as if what he was seeing was a ghost.

Brian took a hesitant step forward. “Jaemi…”

I ignored him and walked past him. “If you’re going to take us there, then what are you waiting for?”

Nayeon finally went back to her senses and stepped out of the gate. Brian opened the car door for the passenger seat but I walked past him to sit at the backseat. I heard him sigh and it took me so much strength to maintain my strong façade in front of him. Nayeon sat on the passenger seat instead and told him we were going to Jimin’s place, and I didn’t even wonder anymore when Brian didn’t ask where it was exactly. Of course he knew. He knew everything, after all. And just thinking about it stings.

The ride was short but to me, it was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I suddenly want to withdraw from my plan. I just want to go home and cry myself again to sleep. I want to suffer alone. I don’t want Jimin to know just how bad her betrayal has wrecked me. The only thing I have now is my pride.

But my heart protested strongly. Because if not now, then when? When will I get answers? Will I ever get my peace of mind if I don’t do this?

We arrived at the apartment soon after. Brian parked his car at the basement parking. Without uttering a word, I went out of the car and waited for Nayeon outside. Brian didn’t follow, and I think it’s for the best. I don’t want to break again in front of him. I don’t want to break my façade. I want to appear strong even just on the exterior.

Even when I know too well that my insides are already crumbling and shattering into fragments.

I felt a warm hand on mine and I turned to the person who owns it.

Nayeon smiled at me. “I’m always here, okay?”

I nodded, before we strode towards the elevator. We’ve been here before, but only once. Jimin doesn’t really invite us to her place since she’s living away from her family. She would always tell us, _“Maybe next time. My place is quite messy right now…”_

Little did I know that it was a different mess that she was hiding from us.

From me.

My heart was beating ear-splittingly loud and I could feel my lower extremities quiver with every step I took.

Soon enough, we were in front of Jimin’s unit. Nayeon squeezed my hand before smiling at me. “You have to be strong, okay? I believe in you.”

I couldn’t respond and just felt my throat dry as I watched Nayeon press the doorbell intercom and cover the camera with her other palm.

The door wasn’t opening so she pressed it repeatedly, and I was actually doubting if Jimin would open it when she can’t see anything from her intercom. But to our surprise, the door opened and Jimin was finally standing in front of us.

Jimin’s eyes rounded in shock and tried to close the door again when Nayeon pushed it with all her strength, pushing Jimin too in the process. In a snap, I was already inside her unit after getting pulled by Nayeon.

“How come you can't let us in but you can let your best friend's boyfriend do so?” Nayeon raised a brow.

Jimin remained staring at the floor. My gaze landed on Nayeon who, again, seemed like a different person in front of us.

The sweet Nayeon we knew isn’t the same Nayeon we are with right now. I am sure that Jimin was also surprised at how Nayeon was acting towards her, but does she even have a right to complain?

Jimin raised her head and finally faced us properly. There I saw the proof that she’s been suffering too these days.

I wanted to pity her. I wanted to just forgive her… like what I always do. But I don’t think I can forgive her until she tells me what exactly made her betray me. Because as much as I want to pity her, I pity myself more for letting them do this to me.

“What are you doing here?” her voice was cold as ice, but one that I knew was melting inside.

I know that she’s trying her best to look strong. And the fact that she had the guts to act this way enrages me even more.

“Oh you still had to ask? Are you stupid? You owe her an explanation, you bitch.” Nayeon heedlessly blurted out those sharp words and I never imagined this day would come—that I would hear her speak like this.

“Then why are you here? Do I owe you an explanation too?” Jimin retorted, vexing me even more.

She really has the fucking audacity to act like this?

Nayeon crossed her arms. “Ah, right. You two should talk and I should already leave because my goodness, I can’t stand the stench of this place… I mean, what do I even expect? If someone like you lives here of course this place would stink?” she sneered before fishing her phone from her bag and turning to me.

“I don’t want to hear any of her bullshits so I’ll leave now. I’ll call Sungjin to pick me up, well, maybe check up on him too? I mean, I just have to be sure, some snake might be wrapping itself around my man too, we can never tell.” Nayeon shrugged before turning around and striding towards the door to leave.

And then a deafening silence wrapped us.

Jimin stared at me and it pained me to look at her with no hint of remorse… like she didn’t regret anything that happened… that she’s actually proud of what she did to me.

Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I mustered my strength to utter, “How could you do this to me, Jimin?”

Jimin sighed in exasperation. “Why don't you just stop being a bitch and get over it? Jae cheated on you… okay... so, what?” she said while avoiding my gaze. “After all... you betrayed him too.”

A sarcastic laugh escaped my mouth. I could feel my breath getting heavier in so much anger.

Wow, Jimin? Coming from you?

“Like how you betrayed me?” I asked back.

She fell silent. Jimin lowered her head and turned her back on me but then I started speaking again.

“Why don't you tell me, Jimin? Did it feel good?” I uttered slowly, full of disgust. “Did it feel good when you constantly begged for my boyfriend's attention? Did it feel good when you were fucking each other? Was he good, Jimin? Were you able to satisfy Jae's needs?”

Small sobs resonated across the small space. I know too well how Jimin doesn't like attention like this. But isn’t this what she’s asking for? I'm just giving her what she wants.

I scoffed. “You have the audacity to call me a bitch for betraying Jae with Brian, when all this time you were betraying me, your best friend, and became fuck buddies with my own boyfriend?”

She didn’t respond. I slowly trod towards the huge green couch in her living room and crossed my arms. “Did he fuck you here too?”

No response.

I sighed before walking away from the sofa while looking at it with disgust.

I rolled my eyes. “I want to sit but I'm afraid your filth might get on me... I don't want any of that. The filth is all yours, Jimin. I’m not interested.”

I walked towards a big desk next and there I saw a framed photo of her and Jae back when they were in high school—Jae was playfully resting her arm on Jimin’s head while Jimin was smiling brightly.

I felt pang creep in my system and I took a deep breath to conceal it and tried to act indifferently.

“Or did he bend you over this wall to fuck you senseless?”

I can't believe these words were actually rolling on my tongue right now, but if I don't pretend to be strong, then what else would remain with me?

“Two fucking years, Jimin. I'm surprised you didn't grow tired of him over the years... but I guess you were just that thirsty for Jae.” I shrugged.

Jimin shot me a glare. “Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything.”

I arched a brow. “What else do I not know? That you've always wanted to get fucked by my man so you actually begged him? That you told him you can give him what I can't... but truth is, it's only sex you can give? You were that desperate?”

Jimin covered her ears with both of her hands before screaming. “I said shut up!”

I jolted at her sudden outburst. My heart pounded painfully as I watched tears cascade from her eyes and as she angrily wiped them away.

“You know why Jae cheated on you? It’s because you’re boring! You can’t give him what he wants. You know how he wanted to be free but being with you chains Jae and he wants to break free from that! He wants to break free from you!”

Jimin marched towards me and pushed me. “Why did I betray you, you ask? Because I love him! I love Jae so much! I love him and I deserve him more than you! That’s why I resorted to being in that kind of set-up… I accepted it wholeheartedly even if I knew that you’re the one he loves! Because anything… I will accept anything! As long as he spares me some of his attention… I will accept it!”

I couldn’t utter a single word and just stood there, stunned at Jimin’s confession.

“I am mad at you… no, I hate you! I hate you because you took him away from me!” she pushed me again but this time, I pushed her too. “I was the one with him all along… ever since we were kids… but in a snap… you stole him from me. I hate you because even after Jae found out that you cheated on him too… he still chose you over me! He still chose you over me who has been with him for more than half of his life! He will always choose you and he will always leave me for you because no matter what I do… just a single spark of fear he sees… he will start crawling back to you!”

I inhaled deeply and tried to calm myself. I still couldn’t say anything. Jimin’s caterwaul reverberated and my heart ached at how wrecked she looked… the Jimin that I used to know who was always calm, reserved, and collected, is falling apart in front of me.

Jimin pulled her hair and I watched as she fell on the floor. “Why is it you? Why couldn’t he see me the way I see him? Why does it have to be you?! After all this time… he doesn’t even respond to my messages… It’s all because of you!”

“You’re selfish…” I mumbled before distancing myself from her. “What about me? Do I not love Jae? I loved Jae… with everything I had! Even when our relationship was crumbling… I held on because I loved him and I hoped that we will get back to what we used to be… but you… you were the root of my misery! You’re blaming me for taking away Jae from you… Jae who has been with you for more than half of his life? Then what the fuck did you do during those years?”

Jimin’s sobs were the only response I got. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and I wiped them immediately before pointing at her. “You did nothing… and when you finally saw him happy with someone else, you decided to destroy him… to destroy us! You’re selfish!”

Mustering my remaining strength, I opened the door and ran away.

My mind still couldn’t register what just happened, but my system was already near to shutting down. My heart hurts so much at what I just found out. If she loved Jae all this time, then why did she choose to break him like this?

I know that it’s easier said than done… but she had her chances. And she just threw them away. And when the ultimate ending for her hopes came, she decided to finally do something even at the expense of destroying her friendship with me… with Jae…

Jimin let herself be eaten by jealousy and greed. But now that I finally found out, then I’ll do the same.

I’ll be selfish. I will take Jae back no matter what. If this is what they call revenge, then fuck, I’m taking my chance. I don’t want her to be happy. After everything she made me go through? Not a fucking chance.

While still wiping my tears, I reached the elevator. But before I could even enter, I felt my arm being pulled, stopping me from my tracks.

I turned to Jimin and forcefully removed her grip on me. Looking at her right now just intensifies my anger. And I am not just angry. I am furious. I am hurt.

I made mistakes and I am not denying them, but never did I think of hurting other people for the sake of my own satisfaction.

Jimin kneeled in front of me while hugging my waist. “Please just give him to me... Jaemi, please!”

Give him to her? What the fuck does she think of Jae, a toy?

“No.” I firmly answered as I removed her hold. “He will never be yours. After I leave this place, I will find Jae and give him a chance. I won’t give him to you.”

I’m making my decision on a shaky ground. Just a soft blow to my core and I will fall apart again.

Another series of stupid decisions might spiral once more from this, but just when I was about to turn around and stand firm for my decision, there came the blow I was dreading.

A blow… no, not just a blow.

_“Jaemi... I'm pregnant... please... please don't take away the father of my child...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> uhh... i'd really appeciate if you leave comments... ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ


	20. Chapter 20

_“Jaemi... I'm pregnant... please... please don't take away the father of my child...”_

I stood there, frozen, robbed of the strength to move an inch.

“Liar…” I muttered, hands starting to quiver. “Liar! You’re lying! You’re so selfish, Jimin!”

Jimin shook her head as she tried to reach for my hand, still kneeling. I swatted her hand away, my own hands trembling and cold. Jimin pulled the end of my coat instead to keep me still.

“Is it not enough that you betrayed me? Now you’re going to lie to me again?! You’re really that desperate?!” I bellowed in rage, I don’t even care anymore if my voice echoes in the whole apartment and wakes someone up.

Right now… I just want this to end.

“I’m not lying… I’m not lying!” Jimin reached for my hands again, and my heart sank with every word she uttered. “If I was lying, then I wouldn’t be suffering this much!”

The elevator opened again and I was about to sprint towards it and just leave Jimin and her lies here when she hugged my waist again.

“I’m used to him choosing you… I know that it’s always you over me… I can never make him choose me… but please, Jaemi… my baby… how about my baby… I can’t let my child grow up begging for his father’s attention like me… Jaemi, please… please just let Jae go…”

I felt my throat tighten in pain while tears dwelled in my eyes.

She’s… Jimin is…

“H-How…” my voice cracked, quivering hands removing her arms enveloping my waist. “How dare you… how dare you!”

I pulled her hair and made her stand before slapping her.

My vision was blurry but it was clear to me—how hurt I am right now.

“You… Y-You’re… you’re…” I couldn’t even construct a coherent sentence.

As if betraying me for 2 years wasn’t enough… and now…

I know that I thought of taking Jae back… of hurting Jimin as much as I’m hurting right now by making sure she won’t get Jae to herself… I know that I wanted to do it to spite her and I wanted her to remain just as unhappy as I am… but…

How can I do that now?

“Jaemi, I’m asking this not for myself… but for my child… please, just let Jae go…”

Jimin fell on her knees again, feeble, wretched, and broken as she continued to beg to have Jae—like Jae was some kind of possession I could pass to her.

Like I was in control of everything.

But wasn’t I the one they all played?

They all shattered me. Stripped me off of the right to be happy. Drowned me in the seas of guilt while they all played behind my back.

But even after everything, why do I feel like I still have no right to feel betrayed?

Why do they continue to rob me of the luxury to protect my heart?

Wordlessly, and with quivering extremities, I stormed off. My breathing was getting heavier and heavier that it felt like work to breathe and I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t even feel the buttons of the elevator when I pressed them.

I was benumbed. But at the same time, I wasn’t.

It was almost as if the only emotion my system could register was pain, and everything else was void.

Dim lights and cars. Those were the only things that apprised me that I was already at the basement parking after walking aimlessly for who knows how long.

From afar, I saw Brian leaning on his Range Rover and as if on cue, he looked up and gazed at me, before taking long strides to run towards me. And right there and then, I fell on my knees, feeling all my strength escape from my physique.

Before I knew it, a pair of arms were already wreathing me, conducting heat to my growing cold body.

“What happened?” his voice was soft, but his words struck me hard.

What happened?

I lifted my head to look at him and tried to etch a smile on my face.

“H-He's... he's... he's going to be a father soon...”

Brian could only look at me and I could almost feel the pity his gaze was laced with. He didn’t utter anything as a response and just tightened his embrace, and all I could do was to cry like my life depended on it.

“I… I chose him…” my voice was hoarse from all crying when I spoke again. “…but why did he still choose to do this to me? W-Why did he make me feel like… I s-should come back to him… why did he not just set me free… why? W-Why did the two of you play me like that?”

Brian held me tighter, rubbed my back with his hands and rested my head on his chest, before guiding me to stand and walk towards his car.

I couldn’t think straight, let alone stand, so Brian had to hold me while I stood beside his Range Rover, anguished cries escaping from my mouth. He took a deep breath before cupping my cheek with one hand and wiping my tears with his thumb.

I couldn’t look at him.

“Please don’t hurt anymore…” he said like he was begging me to stop hurting. “Please stop punishing yourself.”

_Stop punishing yourself._

_How?_

The moment I reached home, I broke down again.

I felt like I was drowning again in the deep seas of grief and heartache, and I couldn’t get up. Because every time I attempt to stand and walk away, another series of waves would come crashing into me, knocking me down to drag me again into the center, where I couldn’t move nor stand.

Waves of memories and regrets would wash the little hope I had in myself to try and get better.

All those times… when he said he was busy… he said he had to do school stuff and he couldn’t meet me… for days… weeks… months… until a year passed and we barely met, while I was there, foolishly believing his words and blindly following him…

Now it all makes sense. All those times… he must have been with _her._

When Jimin started to drift away from me… from us… it was all because she was doing something behind my back… because she hates me for taking Jae away from her.

 

Days passed by in a haze. The first few nights were filled with night-long laments for my miserable life. My pillows would be drenched with tears for days, until one day, they just dried.

I couldn’t cry anymore. Like my tears have already gone dry and there were none left to shed.

It was only then that I had the strength of heart to finally tell my mom about everything that has happened. Everything… from the start, including all my mistakes, until the part where I have decided that _I’m finally taking Jae out of my life._

As I stared blankly at my mother who was looking at me in distress, I expected her to be furious because the man she entrusted me with, whom she believed with her whole heart to love me and not hurt me, whom she had huge faith in, betrayed me in the end… and the best friend I had that she treated like her own daughter, betrayed me too.

But she didn’t.

She only pulled me for a hug, one that was so tight and full of comfort.

One that I needed so much.

“Are you… mad at Jae?” I queried softly, head still rested on her shoulder as she gently patted my head.

“Of course I am.” she responded almost immediately. “But if I lose my cool now, then how am I going to comfort you?”

And as if on cue, tears started to cascade from my eyes again.

“You deserve better… and it’s enough that you know that you also made mistakes and that what he did to you wasn’t an excuse for you to do the same. It’s enough that you learned from your mistakes… and your decision to step back even if you can choose to rob her child the right to be with his father?” she pulled away to look at me and I saw her eyes pooling with tears too. “I am so proud of you, darling. You are so brave.”

_You are so brave._

I wish I really was.

And then I told her about something I have been thinking about for the past days. Because I have made my decision.

And this time, I will choose what I deem to be the best for myself.

_Just myself._

I let another week pass before I decided to appear in front of Wonpil after his review class.

Wonpil looked surprised and worried at the same time when he finally saw me again after how many months. The last time I saw him was also _that day_. The last day of my review classes before my supposed Christmas vacation with _him_ that I planned.

I laughed bitterly when I remembered how I planned everything out to surprise him. Little did I know that it would be him who would give me a bigger surprise.

“Jaemi…” he hesitantly called my name.

I beamed at him, “Pil, can you help me?”

We spent the next hour at the café near the review school, and the whole time I was facing Wonpil, he looked really sad—maybe even sadder than how I looked like.

“Why do you look so sad? Did something happen?” I asked as I took a bite of the cake he offered to pay for.

Wonpil pouted. “It’s been months since I last saw you… I remember how happy you were when we were talking that day and now that I saw you again… you look so deprived of the happiness I know you deserve…”

My lips curved into a small smile. “Pil, I want to ask you something…”

He raised a brow as if asking _what?_ and took it as the cue to ask him what I’ve been wanting to know for the longest time.

“Do you know about… Jae and… Jimin?” my eyes remained fixated on the cake in front of me as I fidgeted with my fork.

There was a short pause, before Wonpil said, “Yes…”

I swallowed the painful lump on my throat before nodding. “I see…”

“I’m sorry if I couldn’t tell you…” he apologized, his voice seeping with sorrow. “I just… didn’t think I was in any position to tell you. And I also just found it out when Brian told me about it… I didn’t really know at first… I’m sorry, I couldn’t do anything but do my best to drop hints…”

I shook my head before smiling and looking up at him. “You don’t have to apologize.” I laughed dryly. “Ah, you were dropping hints… I’m so stupid not to realize. It’s my mistake.”

A few questions from Wonpil followed, until he dug into the hole I’d rather not go back to. But of course, I still told him everything. And with everything, I meant _everything._

Wonpil heaved a deep sigh and I took a sip on my iced vanilla latte, before finally telling him what I actually went for.

“Pil… I want to talk to Jae…” I resumed, “But… I think I need someone to accompany me… I don’t know, maybe to remind me not to be stupid again while I’m talking to Jae?”

His forehead creased before he set down his fork to the small plate. “Why are you asking me to come with you? Why not ask Nayeon instead?”

I shook my head. “I can’t… she still doesn’t know about Jimin’s pregnancy… and I’m sure she’ll hurt Jae the moment she sees him because she’s mad at him.”

“And you think I’m not mad at Jae? After everything you told me today?”

I bit my lip. “Please, Pil… I need to talk to him…”

That was how I found myself standing in a park, hugging myself out in the cold. Few people were sitting from afar but the spot I was at was empty.

The night was getting deeper and the cold wind was brushing my skin, making me shiver as I wait with Wonpil who was looking more anxious than I was. Wonpil kept on tapping his feet while he fidgeted with his fingers. He was the one who told Jae I’d talk to him, after months of ignoring all his messages and phone calls and visits at home.

My heart was pounding loudly in my chest.

I caught a glimpse of the silhouette of a man wearing a long coat trudging towards our direction. I felt a twinge in my chest that I had to look away and take a deep breath to keep calm.

“He’s here…” Wonpil whispered as he took a step forward, as if hiding me from the person approaching us.

“Hey.” I heard Wonpil say, which only meant that Jae was already in front of us while I was still not looking at them.

“Jaemi…” it was Jae.

The pain in my chest was sharp and it pierced my heart again when I shifted my gaze to him.

Jae looked so out of it. He was unbelievably thinner than the last time I saw him, and he already lost weight that time. My heart ached so much just by looking at him appear in front of me like this. His hair was dishevelled like he didn’t even bother fixing it anymore and just went here directly as soon as Wonpil told him I want to talk to him. The bags under his eyes were still there, and the dark circles were worse.

He looked so… forlorn.

“Jaemi,” Wonpil called me, waking me up from my reverie.

I almost thanked Wonpil out loud. Fuck. I almost gave in again, blindly pitying Jae, disregarding everything else like what I used to do.

Tears silently rolled down Jae’s cheeks like he’s been bottling his emotions up and meeting me again was the trigger for him to finally explode.

“J-Jaemi…” Jae called my name again and I tried so hard to keep calm.

I have no more tears to shed for you, Jae.

I looked at Wonpil. “Pil…”

Wonpil sighed. “I’m leaving first. I’ll wait for you, okay?”

It was a subtle reminder that even if he was leaving me with Jae, I _have_ to leave Jae later. A reminder that I shouldn’t make stupid decisions again.

As Wonpil marched his way out to leave us alone, Jae begrudgingly took steps forward. And as he tried to reach for me, I glanced at the wristwatch he was wearing.

It was the one I gave him as a present for our 4th anniversary and his birthday.

A deep breath.

I inhaled sharply before taking a step back to distance myself from him. I know what I’m here for. And it’s not to fix everything up.

“Jae, I’m here to tell you that I’m ending everything between us.”

Jae froze, and I watched as his hand stopped halfway, slowly retreating from its attempt to hold me.

He bit his lip as he pierced me with his gaze, his cheeks now tear-stained.

“Is it because of Brian?”

I laughed in disbelief at what I just heard. My blood boiled at his attempt to guilt trip me again by mentioning Brian.

I shook my head. “It's not about Brian, Jae... It's about us. It's about you. And all the mistakes we did to each other. All the lies we told each other. It's about that. Brian is out of this.”

Jae took a deep breath. He shook his head and I watched how his lips quivered with his every utter of words.

“And you still love him... until now... even when you were already with me, it was still him for you! I knew! Tell me, I'm right, aren't I?!” another failed attempt to reach for my hand. Jae wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

“You want me to tell you the truth? Fine! For once, let's be honest to each other.”

My hands started to tremble in so much anger after hearing him accuse me so easily, as if I was the only one who has ever made mistakes between the two of us.

“You’re right. It's still Brian.” Jae’s jaw dropped at my confession. “It's always been him ever since you started fucking Jimin behind my back. Because he was always there for me. He knew when I was hurting... and you knew too, right? But you never did anything... because being with me had no thrill? Right? And everything I couldn't give you, you asked Jimin to cater to you?”

An ear-splitting silence wrapped us. Jae looked at me with such despondent gaze, but the scorching anger in me burned the remaining little sympathy that I had for him.

“You want me to tell you the truth? It’s true that I loved Brian... I loved him with all my broken pieces... with all that's left of me after you shattered me. And he tried to mend me but I chose not to be fixed because I was that stupid. I came running back to you like an imbecile because I loved you with my whole heart before and I was guilty for falling for Brian even if I wasn't really sure if there was still us... if we could still fix everything. If I would still be whole again.”

Jae closed his eyes firmly as I abided to throw him the words I’ve restrained myself from ever telling him in fear of hurting him.

What else do I fear now, after he inflicted so much pain to me?

“Does it hurt, Jae? Hearing this from me? That I loved another man that is not you?”

At this point, I just want to hurt him as much as I am hurting. I know that there really is no need for me to tell him these things but I want to torment him with my words, maybe if he truly loved me, he would actually hurt too.

And then there was silence again.

I blurted a wry laugh. “I guess not. I don't think it hurts as much as you hurt me. After all, I came back running to you, but when she came back, you gave in too.”

Jae shook his head and immediately went to me to pull me and enclose me in his arms. I struggled to break away from his hold but he only held me tighter. I pushed him with all my remaining strength, but Jae didn’t give me any chance to escape. His sobs filled my ears as I felt hot drops of tears falling on my forehead.

“Jaemi, I love you—”

“You said you knew that it was still him for me even when I was already with you... is that why when Jimin came back, you easily gave in? Because you want to get even?” I painfully asked, heart breaking for the nth time while I remained enveloped in the arms of someone I used to address as my home.

Jae shook his head. “No, Jaemi... please...”

“Please what? Please listen? Listen to what, your lies?” He held me tighter and I shook my head. “If you knew that it was still him for me, then why didn't you let me go to him? Why did you make me stay with you?”

“Because I can't lose you—”

“Fuck you.”

That’s the last straw.

“Jae, I'm stupid, but I've reached my limit.” I felt his embrace loosen and I took the chance to push him again, to finally break away from him. I gazed up at Jae and he was looking at me, eyes pooling with tears.

“I told myself that too, Jae… for countless of times... that I can't lose you. That's why every fucking time, I pushed Brian away, denied him in every chance I get… because I thought, I couldn't lose you. That's why I've always chosen you. So don't tell me that you can’t lose me, because if you were really scared of losing me, even when Jimin came back to you, you would have chosen me too...”

Jae hung his head low, not uttering a single word.

Realizations struck me like lightning. And maybe, just maybe, it’s finally striking him now too.

“I'm not saying this because I want to justify what I did. Fuck. Why would I even do that? I can just fucking move on with my life without explaining myself to you after what you did to me for 2 fucking years, but I'm here because... because even if I knew that you did me wrong... I still want to apologize to you.”

I took a long, agonizing deep breath.

I thought I’ve already run out of tears to cry for him, but I guess I was wrong again, as tears began to dwell in my eyelids, until they slowly cascaded down my cheeks.

My heart was breaking again.

Again.

“I'm sorry if I couldn't give you everything you wanted... I'm sorry if I was boring... if you felt like I was chaining you instead of supporting you... You must have felt suffocated with the way I was loving you... I'm sorry, Jae... I'm sorry...”

Maybe Jimin was right. Maybe I was too boring for Jae. I was too plain, I couldn’t even give him what he wanted. Maybe I was too selfish for only thinking about myself.

But after everything that happened, I guess it was only right that at least at some point, somehow, I chose myself.

Even if in the end, I still gave away myself so easily, and let them break me so easily.

Jae shook his head and took steps towards me, before holding my hands. “Jaemi, no... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... please forgive me...”

I gazed up at him and shook my head as well before pulling my hand away.

“Jimin is… carrying your child, Jae. Are you even aware of that?”

Jae shook his head. “I don’t care… I don’t care! I don’t want to build a family if it’s not with you… Jaemi, please… don’t leave me… don’t leave me…”

“You don’t care?” I couldn’t believe what I just heard from him.

Jae, who had always been the responsible one, is running away from his responsibilities?

“But I do, Jae.” I painfully uttered.

I wiped my tears away before staring at him, straight into his eyes.

“I don’t have plans on competing with a child. I don’t want that child to suffer just because his parents made a lot of mistakes… I don’t want that child to grow up without a father because of me. Your child needs you, Jae… You should take responsibility because it has a life, it's not just some toy you can dispose of anytime you want.”

Jae fell on his knees, and I prayed so hard that tomorrow, when I wake up, it wouldn’t hurt as much when I remember this as it does right now.

“Don't punish the child for the sin you've committed, Jae...” I begged him.

I don’t want another person to suffer from this series of mistakes we’ve done. It’s enough that I was the one ultimately played here. I don’t want that innocent child to feel the pain I’m feeling right now.

“Jimin...” I resumed. “She loves you... so much. All her life, she loved you. Maybe even more than I ever did... so you should give her a chance, Jae. Don't leave her... especially right now.”

“Jaemi…” he called my name again as he gripped on my arm, sounding so desperate, but also so exhausted to even argue once more.

This has to end.

I inhaled deeply. Wiping my tears, I glanced at him one last time.

“We always make the wrong choices and sometimes it can't be helped. We always choose the wrong people for ourselves.” I slowly removed his hand on my arm. “After all, I've chosen you.”

Jae remained to be on his knees, not uttering anything, only his tears were speaking for his now shattered heart.

“I've already woken up from my fantasy of spending forever with you, Jae. We're over.”

He closed his eyes, his expression looked so defeated; his lips still shaking as tears continued to stream down his face.

“Jae, it’s time for us to set each other free.”

And that’s where my stupidity for him ends.

As I turned my back on him, I heard him whisper my name for the last time, striking one final blow to my heart. But I’ve finally decided to be brave. To stand strong. To finally choose myself.

To cheat is tempting. To him... and to me. It was appealing. Because it promised things that were too good to be true, and it's human nature to be greedy and to always go for things that are beautiful. But the ugly truth is that cheating is dreadful. A beautiful promise of transient happiness, while underneath hides countless of gruesome consequences that will rise when you least expect it.

A single mistake. A decision to cheat that spiralled into something this severe.

One night.

One mistake.

A consequence to pay for a lifetime.

We should have known that it might be shallow on its surface, but it’s actually like a hurricane that leaves everything it passed by dilapidated. It leaves people in despair, and greatly affects even those who are not directly involved. It started with one mistake, but ended with all of us as collateral damage.

This mayhem happened because I was stupidly naive to the ways of the world. I believed that everything should happen and end all in good terms.

But it was nothing near "being good".

What I did was being weak. Because I didn't have the strength. I didn't have the resolve to turn my back.

To turn my back when Jae started neglecting me and all I ever felt was pain.

To turn my back when Brian tried to take me away.

When I first decided to love Jae with all my heart, I never imagined that time will come and I would actually leave him. I never imagined that I could actually choose to hurt him instead. I have always been scared of leaving him, because I loved him with everything I had, and losing him would mean losing myself too. But I guess I was mistaken again.

Choosing to leave him for the sake of the innocent child I know he would love too with all his heart in the near future, I knew. What I did was right. And it’s worth it.

That was the bravest thing I have ever done in my whole life.

I've always played safe. I wanted to save both because I didn't want to hurt any of them. But what I didn't know was that in life, you should choose just one. Selfishness wouldn't take you anywhere good. Because look at where I am now?

I chose both.

And I lost both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae  
> pls talk to me ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
> 
> I just want to say that the best way to make me update is to leave comments. Ahaha. Jk.  
> But yeah, talk to me


	21. Chapter 21

“What’s this? A counselling?” I laughed at Nayeon who was seated beside me on the couch, and her pout intensified when she heard me laughing at her.

Nayeon sighed before placing the book she was holding on top of the table.

It’s been almost a month and Nayeon has been very consistent in visiting me everyday, asking me random questions or dragging me to places to spend my empty days on, and I know that she’s doing this to keep me busy, for me to stay away from ugly thoughts.

I sighed when Nayeon scooted closer and pulled me for a hug, and when I felt her hands rubbing my back, as though it would soothe the pain I was feeling.

When she pulled away, she gave me a sad smile.

“Have I told you how brave you are?”

Surprised by her sudden question, I couldn’t say anything. We never really talked about _it_ after I ended things with _him_. Nayeon has been really careful and has been avoiding mentioning _his_ name so we never talked about _it_. It’s not really a big deal, though. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe in.

“You’ve gone through a lot, and I’m really sorry you had to go through all these…”

I laughed and shook my head. “What are you being sorry for? I’m fine. At least I weeded my life, right?”

It’s not like I still have tears left to shed for _him_. It’s not even a month yet since I finally ended things with him, but it’s been almost four months since I found out about everything and maybe on that same day I have already ended it. Maybe I just needed a closure.

If it’s pain we’re talking about, it’s still here.

The betrayal—that’s what pains me the most. It's not like losing someone you love to someone else. I can always let go of Jae, but I didn't. Because somehow, I believed that it has always been only me for him and for that same reason I wanted to do my part for us to work again. But someone else stole him from me, and I already lost him years ago without me even knowing.

And that’s what hurts.

How everyone tugged my strings like I was a part of some puppet show and everyone else was enjoying while watching me suffer.

It still hurts, but not the kind of pain that I think would go away if I go back to him. Because all that’s left in me for him is nothing but anger. Gone were the days I was too blinded to believe everything will fall back into place if I choose him. The days when I would choose him in a heartbeat. Anytime. Above anyone else. Even at the expense of my own peace of mind and happiness.

Nayeon squeezed my hand gently and I jolted back from my reverie. A small smile etched on her face again and I felt sorry for all the stress I inflicted on her.

“What if one day you wake up and you find out Sungjin was doing the same thing to you?”

Nayeon’s face instantly grew dim and I giggled at how she tried her best not to frown but failed miserably. “He will never do that! I trust him!”

“I trusted Jae too, you know.” I smiled. “Too much, actually.”

Her mouth parted slightly, as if waiting for the right words to roll off her tongue on their own but nothing came out. Nayeon heaved a sigh. “He’s not like him...”

Suddenly, I felt bad for asking her that question. I meant it as a joke but perhaps, hearing Jae’s name from me after a long time made her think I was actually serious and was doubting Sungjin.

I smiled. “I know. I was kidding.”

I just pray that Nayeon doesn’t get hurt for the same reason I’m hurting right now.

“You don’t really have to do all these, you know. I’m fine. You shouldn’t worry about me.” I reassured her.

I really don’t like the idea of Nayeon visiting me almost everyday like I’m some kind of patient in a hospital that needs to be taken care of. I appreciate her concern, so much actually, but I don’t want to burden her any more with my emotional baggage because honestly, even I myself am so drained of energy from everything that has happened.

I just want to breathe.

My phone rang and I watched the screen flash a familiar name—the same name that has been on my phone’s call history for the past weeks.

_Brian calling…_

I shifted my gaze back to Nayeon and she was looking at my phone’s screen. And then it stopped ringing, and Nayeon took it as the cue to look at me.

“You ignored him the other night too when we celebrated for Wonpil passing his licensure exam.”

Right. The results for the licensure exam was finally out the other day and we all celebrated with Wonpil because he’s finally a licensed accountant, but I was still out of it that night so I couldn’t enjoy the time I spent with them. And now I feel bad, knowing how much they were all trying to cheer me up and I wasn’t even trying to be better. Although I’m trying now, but I guess I could’ve tried harder that night. I feel like I have to apologize to Wonpil.

“And what did you say that night? That you’re taking the next licensure exam so we just have to wait and celebrate with you too?” Nayeon crossed her arms. “You want to fool them like that?”

I couldn’t find the right words to say as a response. I kept silent and just stared at my phone that started ringing again because of the phone call that, again, I will have to ignore.

Silence wrapped the two of us after the ringing came to an end again. I gazed at Nayeon and she was still waiting for a reply. Not trusting my voice, I just sighed and smiled at her.

Nayeon exhaled deeply before blurting out, “Do you miss him?”

Do I miss him?

I do.

But I deliberately didn’t reply to her question.

Because even until now, I feel like I’m doing Jae wrong because I stayed with him while knowing it wasn’t him anymore, and now, the idea of going to Brian just because everything has ended with Jae sounds so stupid and sick and it makes me feel like scum again.

Like I wasn’t a scum in the first place.

Another heavy sigh from Nayeon and I felt like all I’ve ever been giving her is nothing but stress.

“Yeah, that’s smart. Keep ignoring him. I’m also mad at that guy for what he did to help your poor excuse of a man ex-boyfriend.” Nayeon’s words were dripping with anger and to be honest, I don’t really blame her. At this point, anger is our common language when it comes to everyone involved in that shit, and I have no idea how to get rid of this fury that is fuelled by my disappointment from all the trust that I gave them and they ended up breaking. “If I were you, I won’t go back to Brian because after all, he lied to you, too.”

I remained silent, heart aching at the mention of his name.

Nayeon’s eyes were glossy from the tears that were threatening to fall, and I found it ridiculous how she would shed tears for the situation I am in when I’ve already grown tired of crying over how pitiful I am.

“But Jaemi, I know too that he truly loved you…”

The pounding of my heart was so loud, it was ringing in my ears. Nayeon bit her lip, probably to stay in control of her emotions since we really don’t need another episode of the two of us wailing about the past.

“He tried to save you at the expense of his friendship with Jae, and even if he knew he couldn’t get anything from you, he still tried. I know that I was against the two of you, but I was there the whole time. I also know that you stayed with Jae out of guilt and it’s still Brian, but you chose not to choose him because after all, what you’ve been doing was wrong.”

I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “If you know so much about everything, why don’t you go and replace Google?”

Nayeon shot me a glare. The atmosphere was still heavy. The air suddenly got stuffy and it was suffocating. I don’t like where this conversation was going. Even though I know I need to be slapped by reality like this, I still don’t want to hear it right now.

But Nayeon was persistent on face-slapping me with the ugly and painful truth of how fucked up I was.

“You tried to do everything to make up for your mistakes, to choose Jae again and you're hurting right now because of the same thing. You left Brian, thinking that what you did was right, but in the end Jae just betrayed you and you think it's your karma for betraying him too because after all, just because he cheated on you, it doesn't mean you should do the same too.”

Fuck cheating. Why the fuck did I cheat on him? Because I was thirsty for affection? Affection that he couldn’t give me because he was too busy showering it to someone else? Affection that Brian was so ready to give me all of his, but I blatantly denied and rejected because I wanted it to come from Jae? And when I finally grew tired of waiting for Jae, Brian was still there and I chose to lie and be with him instead?

Why the fuck did I cheat on him? For me to end up like this?

I am mad because she's right. She's fucking right. She said everything as if she could read my mind and feel my heart.

I am hurt because I chose Jae. I wanted to end everything but still stayed with him because that's just how stupid I am.

I could’ve easily discarded everything I had with Brian and labelled it as all lust that was between us, but no. And I hate it. Because until now, I still see him as a mistake. Because I know that even if Jae cheated on me, that doesn’t give me a license to cheat on him too. That’s why I can’t come to him. Because I will feel like I’ve always had him as a spare tire and that’ll be unfair for him.

Wonpil was right too when he said I don't love Jae anymore and I just wanted to return the goodness he showed me. Everyone saw and knew, except me. Because I was a fool who believed I was still in love with Jae because people said if you don't love a person now, you didn't love that person then, and I knew that I loved him with all my heart so I blindly believed that it was still him. That I _need_ to be in love with him again so I could atone for my sins.

But I was wrong again.

I was also wrong to think that being with Brian would eventually be alright. That the fleeting happiness we had was enough to compromise for all the pain that came with our relationship.

I was in love with the idea and comfort that being with Brian gave me all this time, and I was wrong for succumbing to temptations. Now where did all my bad decisions bring me?

Here.

Alone.

Shattered.

And it's all my fault.

“Are you really leaving?” Nayeon asked.

I smiled at her. “It's for the best...”

And it's for myself.

 

 

Weekend came and I got a whiny Nayeon with me on our way to a nightclub.

“Aren’t you leaving tomorrow? Why are we going to a club? And why do I have to come with you?” Nayeon queried for the nth time, earning a rolling of eyes from me.

“I’m leaving tomorrow night.” I told her. “Also, since you came with me, you should’ve dressed like a hoe too and just make the most out of it.”

Nayeon snorted. “I’m surprised you can make jokes like that now.”

“I need a new life, you know.”

“Point taken.”

I don’t frequent in nightclubs because I’m a homebody but I felt like doing this for once—like there’s a _need_ for me to do this before I start anew. Like a breath of fresh air, except that what we’re going to enter is stuffy and crowded and suffocating, but at least it’s something new about me. And it’s funny how we’re entering this unfamiliar neighbourhood in a cab instead of driving our cars. The establishments nearby are all grills and some high-end restaurants and we’ve never been here to be completely honest, because it’s a place for people who love burning their cash. In other words, people who are filthy rich and are willing to spend their money on just about anything that they think would make them happy for a short while. Like some sort of fun experience they still have to buy. And that’s actually sad, if you ask me. How people still have to pay just to feel happy… to feel like they’re alive.

The smell of booze and the blaring music along with the neon lights from the dance floor welcomed us. I still had to pull Nayeon to the crowd and she just sighed, left with no other choice but to join me.

Skin to skin, the contact I’ve been making to these strangers kind of made me regret wearing a top as revealing as this one but I just thought it’s some kind of a requirement for going to busy spaces like this—sometimes you have to be a hoe too. No, not really. I just feel like doing something unconventional for a change.

Somehow, amidst the waves of the people in the dance floor, I found myself drowning and I realized how I don’t belong here. A few more humps with people I don’t know and Nayeon finally dragged me away from the crowd. She led me towards a couch where sat a couple making out at one edge, making me grimace.

“Look, I know I kind of agreed coming with you here, but I think it’s time for us to go home. We have stuff to do tomorrow, right?”

I raised a brow at her, feigning offense. “What do you mean we have to go home now? It’s still early. I haven’t even drunk anything, even water.”

Nayeon rolled her eyes. “I still have to pack for my trip to Busan! Sungjin will pick us up, he’s arriving soon, go drink whatever you want now before we leave.”

I shook my head. “You can leave if you want. I’m staying.”

I stood up and went straight to the lounge bar. I shouldn’t leave Nayeon after dragging her here, I know, but if Sungjin is coming to pick her up then I should at least show her that I’m fine to be left alone here. After all, what do I fear? When I’ve experienced that a lot of times already?

The seats were surprisingly vacant, considering the number of people inside the club tonight. One shot of tequila and the world was churning right before me. My alcohol tolerance isn’t particularly low, but it’s not exceptionally high either. My fingers played and traced the counter’s glass, stupidly amazed at the blue lights reflected on it from the ceiling and from everywhere else. Now it makes sense, how this place is named “Blue Lights”.

I laughed to myself at the dumb realization. It wasn’t long before Nayeon tapped my shoulder and I saw Sungjin standing beside her.

“Let’s go home,” she sighed.

I turned to Sungjin. “Hey,” I smiled. “Take Nayeon home. Also, be sure to keep her safe in your trip, okay?”

“Jaemi…” Nayeon held my arm which I immediately removed. I beamed her a smile.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” her face was still full of worry. I nodded at Sungjin. “Go and take this girl home.” I faced Nayeon again. “Don’t go around telling anyone where I am, okay? I can go home by myself. Don’t worry about me too much! You know I won’t get myself drunk because I have _stuff_ to do tomorrow.”

Nayeon wanted to stay longer, and I had to threaten Sungjin to leave or else I will make a scene right there and then—which I would never really do, anyway. I just had to pretend I was getting annoyed by how persistent Nayeon was with wanting me to go home early.

I bade them goodbye, and my heart swelled at the sight of them leaving together with fingers intertwined. I smiled to myself. Nayeon is so lucky to have Sungjin.

Then I was alone again. I asked for a shot of vodka tonic this time and before I could take a sip, the seat beside me was suddenly occupied.

I side-glanced the man wearing a black button-down long sleeve shirt and listened to him ask for a whiskey neat, and I wondered what the fuck does that mean?

I mean, how would I know? I don’t really go to places like this, nor drink. I’ve always had someone else order booze and then pass it to me for me to drink. I guess it’s another sign of me finally having a new life.

The man beside me suddenly glanced my way, making me flustered. Instead of taking a sip, I downed the shot of vodka in one go and I felt my throat burn, and then the bitter taste came rushing in and I regret so much drinking it in one go.

I heard a comical gasp beside me, followed by an unsolicited “You shouldn’t drink that in one shot.”

I arched a brow at him. Is he talking to me?

“What?”

“Vodka was created to be a food spirit, it’s meant to be consumed gradually like wine.”

I know I’m a noob when it comes to clubs and shit but I didn’t particularly come here for a lesson.

“I mean, you should savor its taste and downing it in one go will just get you drunk faster,” he added.

“No worries, I intend on getting drunk that’s why I came here.” _Liar._ Didn’t I say I won’t get myself drunk tonight because I have _stuff_ to do tomorrow? And by stuff, I meant, my flight.

Another shot of vodka in one go and then he was alarmed.

“You okay?” he asked, hand holding his own shot of _whiskey neat._

“Yeah,” I giggled. Oh fuck, I giggled? My vision has started to get blurry and my brain is blaring sirens to warn me that fuck, Jaemi, your alcohol tolerance isn’t high. “Is that whiskey neat? What is whiskey neat,” I giggled again.

Fuck.

“Yo, are you drunk?” he asked again.

“Just tipsy. Your face is still clear to me so I’m not yet drunk.”

He nodded. Then he smiled.

Am I drunk? Coz he’s so fucking hot.

“I’m Jackson,” he offered his hand and I guess he introduced himself.

I nodded, even if I didn’t manage to hear his name because of the loud music from the dance floor. I pulled my top from the chest area to cover my cleavage, before shaking hands with him. “Jaemi.”

What is his name again?

I was too shy to ask so I decided to just call him _cutie_ in my head.

“Are you here with your friends? Where are they? You look like you’re going to pass out anytime.” Cutie still had worry painted on his face and I laughed.

“I came here with my best friend but she already left, it’s fine though, I’m used to being left alone.”

“Oh man that’s deep,” he deadpanned and we both laughed.

My laughter echoed in my ears and it felt so foreign. And the thought that my laugh sounded strange to me made me realize how long I’ve been wallowing in my misery.

Fuck. Wasn’t I laughing moments ago?

Why the fuck…

“Hey, I was kidding! Damn, why are you crying?” he was panicking and I tried my best to default into my neutral state but to no avail, I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing.

I shook my head before asking for another shot of vodka. The cutie beside me tried to argue and point out that I was already drunk but I know that I still wasn’t.

I need to drink more until I benumb myself from all grief.

One more shot and I was already caterwauling, limbs starting to tremble that _cutie_ had to assist me so I could sit again. Words I didn’t intend to blurt out unconsciously escaped from my lips.

“You know what… I had a boyfriend for 4 years…” I started telling my story which was so uncalled for but I suddenly want to talk about it now.

I want to let go of all these now.

“Yeah, cool… are you saying that so I’ll leave you now? Because, uh, I don’t really plan on hitting on you, you just looked so pitiful drinking alone here.”

I shot him a glare and he immediately raised his arms. “I was joking!”

“Anyway, yeah I had a boyfriend for 4 years… and I cheated on him.” I laughed dryly.

Then cutie beside me suddenly sat up straight, and even with my blurry vision I could see his eyebrows furrowing. His gaze was piercing, like I uttered something disgusting.

“Disgusting, haha, I know right,” I raised my shot glass before turning to him. “But you know what? He cheated on me too... and he's been cheating on me all along with my best friend… just because I couldn’t give him what he wanted… hah! Do men really have the sex drive of a rabbit because fuck… he cheated on me because I never agreed on doing it with him?”

“What the fuck?”

“Exactly! What the fuck?” I took a sip this time and I grimaced again at the bitter taste of the alcohol. “Well, I loved him, what can I do? I was… too blinded? To even look at the possibilities of him actually cheating on me that he ghosted me for a whole fucking year… all the while making me believe that he was busy with his studies and I was just being a clingy bitch.”

He didn’t reply. He stared at me, waiting for me to continue my sob story.

I smiled at him. Even if I could already feel my tears rolling down my cheeks as my heart throbbed in pain from reminiscing everything.

“Wasn’t I enough?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but realized the things he found out were only the tip of the iceberg. I sighed before wiping my tears.

“I swallowed my pride… I waited for him for a long time… I… I really loved him, you know? And even when I already love someone else… I stayed with him because fuck, I cheated, I knew I was wrong… and I thought, it doesn’t matter anymore what my heart says, as long as Jae doesn’t get hurt again… because that’s just how much I cared for him.”

Giggles came out of my mouth again. I must be drunk now. Because I can’t even keep myself from telling this complete stranger about how stupid I’ve been for the past four years. I knew that I need to control myself from giving him pieces of my broken past but I couldn’t stop.

He sighed. “Did you love him?”

I paused for a while before answering. “When we were together? Yeah. I did.”

“No, I mean, you said you stayed with him so I assumed he took you back? And you agreed so… you still love him that time?”

“No,” I responded almost immediately this time. “Now that everything has ended, I finally realized that no, I didn’t. I was just too blinded and crippled by my guilt to actually leave Jae because I felt like all the blame was on me. I tried so hard. Because Jae really tried his best to win my heart again, and I felt so guilty of what I have done, guilty of hurting Jae so much while seeing him still try to make everything work again…”

“But you know what’s funny? It’s how he did all that, he tried so hard to make me feel like he still wanted us to work out and that we can start anew, but in the end he still betrayed me again.”

Two girls approached him, asked him if he wanted to go dance with them and I watched how he politely told them _‘no’_ , before turning his attention back to me.

I sighed, playing with the shot glass I was holding.

“On days I want to forgive him... I can't help but think about the years he touched her and let another guy touch me just so I wouldn't know...” I smiled at the empty glass and asked for another. “And of course I was a fool to actually let myself get distracted by this guy.”

“Distraction?” he had to ask louder because the music just got louder, and if only I wasn’t too drunk to even get up, I’d pull him to the dance floor with him. “But do you hate that guy you were with that time?”

Ah, now we’re talking about _him_.

“I wish I do,” I laughed bitterly. “I wish I never loved him.”

He raised a brow. “You love him?”

“I wish I don't.”

He nodded, “I see, you're a person with a lot of wishes.”

I let out a laugh at that and he laughed too. I wiped my tears and looked at him.

“I'd like to believe that he's the only one who truly loved me... but maybe that's just one of my wishes again.”

A gaze that almost echoed a voice asking, _Why?_

I know that Brian loved me. For the longest time, I denied it, because I was scared. I was scared of acknowledging his feelings for me because I was committed to Jae. But deep in my heart, I know that he loved me. And even if it pained me to know that he lied to me too, I can’t teach my heart to stop loving him. At least, for now, I can’t.

Soon, I wish I can finally forget about them and be able to breathe again.

“I'm leaving tomorrow and I want to see him... but I know I shouldn't. Why would I even do that... I will break him again if I do that to him...” tears started to fall again and it annoyed me so much. I wonder when I will finally stop being the cry-baby that I am who cries over the smallest things. I guess I have to work on that, too.

_I want to see him… I want to see him… I want to see him!_

I chanted like a mantra as I drank another shot of vodka—probably my 7th, or I don’t know. I guess what they say is true, that your mood dictates your drink more than the drink dictates your mood. I want to get drunk and maybe now I’m actually drunk, I don’t really know anymore. I just want to see Brian. Even for the last time before I leave…

I must have drunk so fucking much to actually want to see him right now.

But my heart hurts so much and I just want to see Brian.

“I want to see Brian…” I cried on the counter that I almost fell from my chair, if only the guy beside me wasn’t here.

“Who’s Brian?” he queried, before nodding. “Ah, that guy you were talking about?”

My throat felt so dry and hot, and I just want to cry and cry until I run out of tears to shed and until the pain in me subsides.

Until I finally heal.

I caterwauled like I would die if I stopped crying, and the guy beside me was trying his best to comfort me, or to at least make me stop from weeping because people were starting to look at us. My breathing started to stagger, and I knew exactly what I wanted, but I knew too that I couldn’t get it.

Or I don’t know.

I glanced up and then I froze—heart still pounding loudly in my chest. I struggled to remove the grip of the guy beside me on me and stood up slowly and I almost fell again, gaze still pinned in front of me.

I must be really drunk, because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t come running as though it was the best thing to do. If I was sober, I knew I would escape.

But I didn’t.

Instead, my tears fell even more eagerly, my heart ached both from pain, and yearning.

And suddenly, I was enclosed in the warmth I’ve longed to feel. I pulled him and buried my face on his chest, before wrapping my arms around him tight—so tight that I felt like I was conveying all the pain and love and everything I feel for him through this hug.

I don’t care.

I don’t care anymore.

His hold on me tightened, and I cried even more when he whispered to my ear, with the same loving voice I so wanted to hear.

_“Sugar… let’s go home…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> I'm sorry it took a while ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ but pls talk to me :( lolz


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae

_“Sugar… let’s go home…”_

There came the voice that has always been enough to wreck me beyond repair.

The world was spinning in front of me as I attempted to look over his shoulder when he shifted and tightened his hold on me. Feeling dizzy, I rested my head again on his chest and breathed in the scent that reminded me of just how much I yearned to be enclosed in this pair of strong arms again and be wrapped in this warmth.

Brian stepped back to render me more space as I squirmed uncomfortably, desperately wanting to hold him unbelievably closer and tighter than I already do. “How much has she drunk?”

The voice of the guy I was drinking with earlier followed, responding to Brian’s query. “Enough for her to act like that in front of you.” he said. “Is your name Brian?”

Even without taking a look at him, I could almost visualize Brian’s jaw clench when he uttered, “It’s none of your business.

This warmth… the comfort of his embrace… it all felt surreal that I had to move away to look at him properly. It was when I noticed how his hair was disheveled, like he was in a rush to come over and no longer bothered taking a good look at himself in the mirror before leaving.

Do I really deserve to hold him close again like this?

“So I was right,” the guy chuckled. Even with vision clouded by tears, I could see the crease on Brian’s forehead and his knitted eyebrows, looking as though he was ready to beat the shit out of someone.

There was a flicker of fury in his eyes that looked frighteningly familiar.

Drunk, dizzy, and with zero fucks to give to anyone but the man that was currently holding me, I cooed, “Baby, I missed you…”

Yes. Holy shit. I am drunk.

The reaction I was expecting was vivid: he would instantly tear his gaze away from the guy I was with earlier once I show him even the slightest sign of vulnerability after putting up this strong façade all this time to drive him away.

And I wasn’t wrong.

He glanced down at me with his gaze that was as soft as ever… and the fool that I was ended up crying hard at the utter of an endearment I never thought I could ever call him again.

Memories of people telling me that drinking is a way of forgetting things… of abandoning despondent thoughts for a transient while… of letting go of unnecessary emotions they want to get rid of. But perhaps, things just don’t work the same way for everyone. Because even after drowning in alcohol in hopes of benumbing myself, the pain remains to lie within my heart.

“Sugar…” his voice was hoarse. His hand slid down from my back to my waist, holding me firm in place.

If I was sober, the only thing that would run in my head and I would pick as the best solution is to escape. Because that has been the only thing I have ever been good at. A part of me was screaming at myself to get my shit together and run away like what I always do, because doing so would guarantee that I will go home with my sanity still intact, and would offer me a small hope that I can still begin to heal my wounded heart, and hide my battle scars from the war I’ve gone through; a war they call Love.

God damn it. I am fucking drunk.

Who cares about what I would do if I was sober? I am not sober. I am drunk. I have every right to mess around and fuck my life and mask it under the excuse of being in a drunken state so I wouldn’t have to hold accountability to whatever happens next, even at the expense of breaking my principles again.

Because… fuck.

Please.

Just a little bit more of time with him.

Please.

A background of white noise and few more moments of whirling of the world before me, and the next thing I knew, the cold breeze of air was already kissing my skin, gently blowing my hair. I shivered, until I felt a warm hand on mine. Brian opened the door of his car and gestured for me to enter, but I only shook my head in protest, before wrapping my arms around him for another hug.

“You love me… right?” I asked, more like begged for an answer that would not break me. “You love me… you said you love me… you’re not like him…”

My mind was hazy and my train of thoughts was a mess. I just had a conversation with a stranger about my miserable life earlier, and maybe I dragged some thoughts into this conversation I want to have with Brian because I’m just… tired of everything.

It hurts so much. Everything hurts so much.

I felt him press a soft kiss on my forehead, before whispering, “I love you… I always love you…”

But why is our love never enough?

Why do we always end up hurting each other… and everyone around us?

“But why did you betray me?”

Gazing up, I was met by his beautiful eyes that were glistening with tears.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered softly, gently stroking my hair. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Tears.

In the end, we’re destined to be always reduced to nothing but tears.

I was too drunk to comprehend the depth of his woes, but not drunk enough to forget about my sorrows and the pain that was resurfacing again in my chest.

I condemned him for being selfish… for prolonging my agony… for lying to me all this time.

But aren’t I the same?

I was furious because I was played. They stripped me off of the right to be happy, making it a luxury I couldn’t afford. They let me wallow in guilt while they all enjoyed their lives guilt-free.

I was too busy blaming everyone for my miseries and I forgot that while I was in agony, Brian was suffering too.

He was drowning in the seas of guilt with me. And as if suffering alone wasn’t enough, didn’t I inflict pain on him too, and repeatedly, for that matter?

It hurts to think that I was also stripped off of the right to feel wronged because in the end, it always goes down to me and my wrong choices.

“I know… I don’t deserve to tell you that I love you…” Brian heaved a deep breath to stifle his own sobs, and all I could do was to look at him helplessly, with trembling lips and extremities. “But Jaemi… please tell me it’s not yet too late…”

Maybe it’s not yet too late.

Or maybe it already is.

But maybe I can still bargain and borrow time… for the last time.

No words dared to roll off of my tongue and I couldn’t find it in me to make them happen. As our tears fell silently, I let myself be wreathed in his arms. He slowly helped me get inside his car, and I almost drifted to sleep immediately if only Brian did not speak.

“I’m driving you home.”

Abruptly, I fluttered my eyes open, feeling a mix of fear and sadness in my gut. I shook my head. “No… I don’t want to go home…”

I don’t want to go home… because going home would mean this will be the last time I would be with him… and I don’t know when I can ever be with him again… or if I can ever meet him again.

_Please… just a little longer… just tonight…_

Brian looked at me questioningly, and I just shook my head once more as I struggled to reach for him and enclose him in a long, tight embrace.

“I missed you… so much…” _I’m going to miss you again._

There was no point in hiding what I feel anymore. I missed him, and that, I am certain. I longed to be in his arms for the longest time and now that I am here again, I couldn’t help but be selfish.

“Hmmm…” he hummed, pacifying my frantic heart. “If you only knew how much I yearned to hold you this close again…”

It felt like home.

Home. The same place I left him a long time ago.

His home was still the same as I remembered it to be, but just a little emptier this time. There was still the luxury and brand that his place brags, as though appraising anyone visiting that he is Brian Kang. Sole heir of Kang Chains of Hotels. The filthy rich man who has made countless of women cry.

The owner of my heart.

And just like that, my lips have found their way back to his, and my heart has never hurt this bad.

In our happiest moment, it is when we are the weakest.

We fail to recognize what is good and what is bad. We fail to justify what is right from what is wrong. All that matters is that we are happy, and we will do anything for that feeling to last. And there’s a reason why consequences happen after, and not in the middle of it. Because in our happiest moment, there is no room for other thoughts. You just are. And it just is. You are weak, and you can break. But if you break, then you will just break later. You will always choose to regret later.

After what felt like forever, I was finally kissing him again. We were kissing again. With all my crestfallen heart and its broken pieces, I kissed him slow and burning hot, in hopes of feeling whole again like how a blacksmith would fix a broken sword with fire.

Fire. Now it makes sense. The alcohol I took in earlier fuelled the blazing fire that was growing within me and I boldly pulled him inside the bathroom, without breaking our kiss.

“It’s so hot…” I muttered a whine before turning on the shower, and I watched how Brian’s eyes rounded in shock as warm water poured down on us, still fully clothed, from the metallic head that was hanging above our heads.

Brian, all drenched in his black suit, moved away to protest, “Jaemi—”

I tugged his tie towards me to pull him closer and kiss him again. He groaned as I impatiently took his suit off and tossed it to the floor. And even if he was protesting, he was doing the same with my clothes.

I’ve always thought that it was weird when people kiss under the shower in movies, always thought that it would bring nothing but discomfort as it would only cloud your vision, instead of sparking fire between the two of you, but now that I was the one making out while water continued to fall on our faces, I realized that the water was never a bother. Feeling feverish and still drunk, every touch from him was enough to set me ablaze, and I totally forgot about the fact that we were kissing under the shower and I just abided undoing the buttons of the white long-sleeve shirt he was wearing underneath his suit and threw it away as well.

Happiest moment… Regrets… I’ll just regret it later. I’ll definitely regret this later.

Brian hissed, distancing his face from me. “Do you really want our first time to happen here?”

I ignored him and pulled him again for a kiss. “Anywhere... anywhere with you...”

“Sugar… fuck…” he crudely cursed, before expertly taking off my top in one go, leaving me with nothing but my skirt and underwear.

Steam filled the whole bathroom. I glanced at him and I felt heat pool down my core as I watched how rivulets spread across his broad chest. His torso was dripping wet and just like the direction of the water, my eyes travelled south from his broad shoulders to his abs that looked like they were chiselled by the gods. Brian swallowed hard as he took a deep breath, before turning the shower off.

“Why did you—” he shut me up with his own mouth in a searing kiss, his hands roamed across my back and ultimately rested on my waist. His lips left mine and then I felt them on my jawline, tracing it until he was breathing me in just below my ear.

I bit his lip and he moaned, sending shivers down my spine. I drowned the groan he let out in our kiss as he struggled to remove my skirt while I busied myself with taking off my bra, feeling extra brave to be exposing myself like this to him.

It felt like I’ve already sobered up from the shower, only to be drunk again in his kisses, and I honestly don’t know which one is worse.

“Sugar… fuck…” Brian pulled away again, leaving me baffled.

I instantly felt empty at the ceasing of our kiss and was about to utter another protest when suddenly, Brian looked up and inhaled sharply, like it was so difficult for him to break away from our kiss.

Wordlessly, he reached for a clean towel from the rack on his right. The next thing I knew, he was already gently drying my face with the towel, and then my neck, then slowly wiped the droplets of water on my collarbones. He closed his eyes firmly as he sighed again deeply, before he left me there with wobbly knees, disoriented. Soon enough, he was back again, holding a robe.

What… is… happening?

With utmost care, Brian helped me wear the robe. I reached for his hand to get his attention, still feeling a little dizzy. Water slowly dripped from his fringe, and I felt them fall on my bare skin as he advanced closer, beaming me a weak smile. “You’re drunk. I’m not going to take advantage of that.”

I shook my head. “No… I’ve sobered up… It’s okay…”

Brian took a small step forward before pulling me into his arms. “It’s okay, sugar. I can wait…”

_I can wait…_

_But there will be no next time…_

I inhaled sharply, in attempt to placate my heart. Our gazes locked like a signal for the pounding inside my chest to intensify. My heart was violently throbbing, and I almost broke down right there and then when the ends of his lips tugged into a small smile, and as his eyes screamed nothing but sincerity.

Gently, he rested his forehead on mine and the small drops of water from his hair cascaded down my face, along with my tears.

“I still love you so much…” he whispered.

With a heavy heart, I smiled back at him and held his face closer to me, as the distance between our lips disappeared… and as I finally allowed myself to freely put the words into existence.

“I’m in love with you, Brian…”

A soft and gentle kiss, but full of anguish and tears.

In the end, it always comes back to the question, _why is our love never enough?_

Brian moved away for a moment to pin his gaze on me, as though struggling to register what he just heard, before inching back to close the gap between our lips. “I love you… I love you…”

_I love you._

The words he breathed against my ear the whole time, chanting them like a mantra so I wouldn’t forget.

Like I will ever forget.

The next thing I knew, everything faded into the shadows and I passed out.

 

As I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the hues of orange casting over my face from outside the huge glass window. It must already be afternoon. Blinking slowly, I fought the urge to doze off again and focused on the serene view of Brian sleeping beside me—his face was so close that his breath was actually ghosting over my forehead.

And then it dawned on me.

Wild tremors ran through my nerves. I breathed frantically, panicking at the realization that I was here with him. I spent the night with him. After everything that I did to steer clear from him, I still ended up giving in to my inner demons and fell back into his arms.

My head was pounding. At my slightest movement, Brian stirred from his sleep, then slowly fluttered his eyes open. His hot breath blew my hair lightly and I watched how he fixated his gaze on me with heavy lidded eyes.

He smiled, and my heart was instantly shattered.

“Good morning, sugar…” he whispered, before planting a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

I did not respond. Glancing down, I realized I was wearing a navy blue shirt that was double my actual size, and boxer shorts that were long enough to reach my knees. I turned back to him and I saw how he sheepishly bit his lip and looked away, blush creeping on his cheeks.

“I didn’t look, okay? I just… wore it to you last night because you passed out in the bathroom… and you can’t go to sleep wearing a robe… I also had your clothes dried last night…”

I kept mum, eyes still fixated on his face, scanning every feature like it would be the last time I will be looking at them this close, silently memorizing them so I wouldn’t forget.

Hesitance flashed in his orbs as he slowly spoke. “I’m sorry… Are you… mad?”

I shook my head, feeling the pang of guilt striking me yet again like a bolt of lightning.

“No…” I whispered back, lips quivering from the vehement emotion that was reeling in my heart.

Every second that passed felt like I was being robbed of air to breathe. My heart swelled at the familiarity of the warmth I was enveloped in, and deep in my heart, I was praying that I never get back to my senses and recognize what is right and wrong.

Because in my head, there is a huge reminder that is written is huge, capital letters that reads: THIS IS WRONG.

It’s wrong, because deep down, I know what’s going to happen if I let myself wallow in this little happiness I found again as I lie in his arms. It’s transient. Temporary. Not permanent. It’s a bubble of make-believe that is bound to burst at the time I pray it wouldn’t have to disappear.

He lifted my chin and pressed his lips against mine, and I died a slow death with every word he uttered. “I thought I could never hold you this close again…”

His eyes sparkled as the light reflected on them while they gleamed with tears. I closed mine, not wanting to see the pain painted in his face anymore.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered softly, voice faltering.

When I received no answer from him, I opened my eyes, only to be met by his gaze laced with sorrow and regret.

Brian raised his free hand to cup my cheek, his thumb gently caressed my skin as we stared into each other’s eyes. My heart sank at every touch of his fingertip, every graze burning me and all I wanted was to melt away together with all the agony that I ever brought upon him.

“No…” he shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry for hurting you… I’m sorry for everything… I’m sorry…”

His low voice was filled with nothing but remorse, and then waves of memories came crashing in.

The caterwauls I let out as I yearned to be with him for the last time. The longing that set my heart on fire and fuelled the little courage I had to allow myself to give in to my deepest desires of falling back into his arms again.

A series of mistakes. A fate full of tears. A road filled with pain.

I have my own fair share of mistakes, and I acknowledge all of them. I am flawed. It’s not as if we didn’t know that the path we were taking wasn’t easy. We were nothing but a mistake, to begin with. And the sins I have committed will not be justified, even if I pretend that I never hurt him and just choose to be with him again and move forward.

Right from the beginning, he was a person I can’t have.

_And the love that I can’t have, is a love that I should forget._

“I have to go home now,” I blurted out in despair.

If I don’t leave now, I’ll end up sabotaging my plans. I’ll destroy my hopes of healing my wounded heart. I told myself, I’m done being stupid. I just allowed myself to be happy again for the last time with him. Before I break him… for the last time too.

_Last time._

Because I don’t think there will ever be a next time for us.

How many times has he shed tears for someone so unworthy like me?

How many times have I left him alone, broken and desperate for refuge?

“But why?”

I bit my lip and searched for the most convenient lie at the back of my head. “I... I have something to do.” _I’m leaving you._

Brian didn’t say anything and just remained looking at me. He shifted, moving his arm that he used as a pillow for my head to rest on, and scooted closer. He remained silent as he let himself bury his face on the crook of my neck, and I bit my lip harder to stifle my cries, so hard that I could almost taste the metallic tang of blood.

“Don’t leave me just yet…” he mumbled, his breath fanning the skin on my neck.

Brian… please don’t be like this…

He shifted again to turn to me but not moving away. “Love you…” he softly whispered with voice full of affection, and then I could no longer hold back my sobs.

_“You can choose me now, sugar… We can start anew now…”_

I love him.

God, I love him.

But I can’t love him while I’m in the middle of searching for my shattered pieces.

“I have to go… I need to do something…” I repeated, discreetly wiping my tears away with my free hand.

Brian just wreathed me tighter, not wanting to let me go, and it broke my heart looking at him like this.

“Five more minutes…” he bargained, and it took all of me not to break down.

I nodded slowly, hugging him back for the last time. “Okay…”

I wanted to stretch our remaining time together, but I only had five minutes left.

And then the dreaded end happened. I gently poked his arm, pretending to be casual like there was nothing that was breaking inside of me. “I have to leave now, Brian…”

Sighing, Brian moved away. He stared into my eyes before he inched close again to press our lips together in a chaste kiss, to which he smiled against.

“I’ll drive you home?” he offered and I shook my head almost immediately.

“No… It’s fine…” I was so quick to get up from his bed before he could pull me back again. “I can go by myself.”

“I insist—”

“Let’s just meet again later,” I blurted offhandedly, desperate to find an excuse for him not to spend any more energy on arguing with me.

Brian pouted, pinching my already wounded heart. “Where are we going to meet? What time are we going to meet?”

“You know that restaurant near our university… the one Wonpil frequented to back in college? Let’s… L-Let’s just meet there by 7…”

Fuck.

I realized the time and asked him where my clothes were and he pointed at the small desk just beside the door of his bathroom where my clothes were neatly folded. I went inside the bathroom to change into them. I was in a haste because it was already almost 4 in the afternoon and my head was still pounding painfully.

I almost didn’t want to anymore… I almost left without taking a glimpse of him, but I couldn’t.

One last glance.

My lips trembled when I saw him smiling at me… looking at me lovingly… and I mustered the little strength I had to turn my back at him and leave.

 

 

My phone vibrated for the nth time now. My throat felt so dry as I felt it tighten in pain as I choked back my sobs while I read the time on one of the screens around me.

I could almost feel my energy being drained from my body as thoughts flooded my mind, sending daggers to my heart. I glanced down at my phone and it started vibrating again.

_Brian calling…_

I stared at my phone’s screen for a long time, before shifting my gaze to the luggage beside me that were to be checked in.

_Brian:_

_Sugar, where are you? I’m already here._

My hands were shaking as my eyes began welling tears again. I have already made my decision, and it’s what I think is the best for me. For us.

I need to heal, and so does Brian.

We need to heal from all the pain the universe inflicted on us. I need to be better, and so does he. I need time for myself, because now, I'm choosing myself.

We started off as a mistake. A mistake. An error. A miscalculation. Because if we weren't, things wouldn't have been this painful. We began as a mistake, and we’ll end with another mistake. I know I’m about to break him again, but at least, I’m breaking him for the last time.

It's still him, but... _it's still not him._

I can't just pretend that I never hurt him and move on with my life like that, start anew with him as though I wasn’t the same person who broke him. All I ever did was to give him pain. And we will never heal if all we do is pretend that everything that happened is okay, when we both know too well that it’s not okay.

_Brian:_

_Are you running late? I already miss you…_

Fuck… I can’t be swayed like this. I was about to turn my phone off when another text came.

_Brian:_

_It’s okay. I’ll wait for you._

Tears streamed down my face and I held my chest, feeling the pain intensify.

Please… Give me a sign…

My legs were shaking profusely, and I was so ready to turn back to run away and just come to him, when suddenly, I heard my flight being called.

_A sign._

It was the sign I was asking for.

With a heavy heart, I took sluggish strides, trying to discern what just happened, and what is about to happen starting from now. And I reminded myself of what I have decided to do.

All my life, I've only been good at one thing: running away. But this time, it's not me running away. I'm walking away, not running because I'm scared. I'm walking away because this time, I am certain that this is the best thing I should do for myself and for everyone.

People are always drunk on the idea that love, and only love, can heal our brokenness. But doesn’t love come in different forms? The love I have for him is different from the love I am now ready to give to myself, but if only love can heal our brokenness, then I am certain that I can heal even though I am alone.

It's time to leave all the painful memories and move on.

If I don't do this, I will just blame myself over and over again. I will find myself giving in to him, and then end up hurting him… hurting myself. It’ll be an unceasing cycle. And nothing will change.

I wiped my tears for the last time, before marching steps to board on the plane. No matter how much I love him, if I don’t love myself enough, I will not be able to love him completely, and that is unfair.

Maybe one day... after we tape all our broken pieces together... maybe one day, we can.

Maybe.

Just... maybe.

Let’s end the painful road here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @jaemibbeom  
> curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/jamlovesjae
> 
> lol it's not yet the ending, pls don't fret :>  
> thanks for still reading this fic hahahahaha I love you all


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